Fight the Fetish?

Hello! I’ve been at the crossroads for a long time with this and I’m finally deciding to reach out for help instead of keeping it inside.

Just for some context: I’m 24, I haven’t been in a relationship yet and I’m still a virgin.

I’ve struggled with this worry of getting cheated on once I enter a relationship. I used to be very insecure about that. I think it started when my dad had an emotional affair with an ex. My parents were able to overcome that, but hearing his conversations with the other woman really took an effect on me. I was so deeply hurt and I think my mind started coping in this strange way. Now, I get really turned on when I think of a guy having sex with his mistress.

I don’t want to get cheated on, I don’t think cheating is okay at all. But I can’t stop getting turned on by this. I’ve heard people say that it’s just a fantasy and that I shouldn’t feel bad about this. But I just can’t help myself. Why has my mind taken such a horrible thing and turned it into something “good”? How can this be passed off as a fantasy? Or something to explore with my husband one day? (If I do decide to explore the fantasy, I wouldn’t ever condone my husband seeing another woman. But maybe something like me wearing a disguise or a wig.) So, is this something I should get therapy for so I can stop being so fixated on it? Or do I just accept that this is a fetish of mine?

All of your words are greatly appreciated! Thank you so much for your help.

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15 replies
  1. O-man says:

    First of all, don't sweat it. The more you worry about this the worse it can get. Believe it to be something that will pass, evict it from taking up residence in your thoughts.

    Don't cross any bridge before you get to it. When you marry you may have outgrown the fantasy. More than all else, don't condemn yourself for what God hasn't condemned you for. Pray about it, let God sanctify your thoughts and heal your heart.

    You will be fine. Have faith.

  2. HuskyKitty says:

    Hi Observanne! Thanks for being open and transparent. – Firstly, I think I see the correlation, but it isn’t necessarily causation. Meaning, I see how one may want to link that fetish to what you observed with your dad, but it doesn’t necessarily HAVE to be. The more “taboo” scenarios do get our blood racing objectively because they are, well, taboo! The safety and beauty about role playing with your spouse is that you get to adventure in sexuality without breaking your covenant with God. Outside of that, it becomes dangerous and destructive. I think it’s something you could get therapy for if you wanted, of course, but I wouldn’t say you NEEDED to. – With Kitty and I (my wife), we have had our fair share of “naughty” scenarios that bring us arousal…school teacher/student, hotel maid/guest, army general/secretary etc. All totally off the table in real life! lol. But the thrill comes in going to uncharted territory with your INTENDED beloved, not into actual wild country. I understand your concern, but I would take a breath. Also! As always, pray and see how the Lord would have you respond to this stimulus. God bless you! – H/K

  3. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    While I agree with HuskyKitty that correlation doesn't always equal causation, I find that human minds are wonderfully resilient creations. Sometimes, as a way of healing, it will turn a source of pain into a source of pleasure. This can go too far, of course, and become harmful, as with public degradation, cuckolding, or actual physical abuse.

    But like previous respondents, I don't believe that anything safe, consensual, and loving between a married man and woman is impure, as long as it doesn't lead to disobedience. If the idea still intrigues you once you are married (or even before, when you are serious about marriage) then pray for understanding of God's will for your sexual relationship and talk about fantasy/roleplay. At first, just plain old sex and learning each other is going to be so new and exciting, you probably won't be interested in fantasy. But if you ever decide to try it, evaluate your responses and his afterward—periodically, because they might change. Does the play-pretend cause either of you to long for the real thing? Then it isn't building you up or helping you. Do you find yourself "enslaved" to the fantasy, needing it to become aroused or climax? Then it may have too much control. And if it isn't good for even one of you, then I think the loving thing to do is set it aside (though you might revisit it years later to see if the response has changed.)

    My husband and I have agreed that nothing is off the table for imaginative play (dress-up, toys, roleplay…) but that neither will go outside the marriage for fulfillment. And really, why would we need to? We accept and love each other, kinks and all, and are committed to each other's best. I don't want to do—or refuse to do—anything with my mind or body that makes it harder for my husband or me to be faithful to the Lord or each other.

    • Observanne says:

      Thank you so much! I think you're right. About all of it. I might try the roleplay once I'm married but I hope that fantasy is long gone by then. And I agree that as long as it's within the marriage, then God approves and it's okay. Thanks again and God bless!

  4. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    I wouldn't sweat this too much. That said, this can be a complicated topic. Similar to CrazyHappyLoved, my wife and I pretty much leave nothing off the table so long as it's between us. We have pushed the envelope on a few things and more than occasionally we have simulated mmf sex between me, my wife's dildo and of course her, which she absolutely loves and, yes, it's caused me to think about what's really going on there. We were also both sexually quite experienced before we met. Lots of things can get said in the heat of the moment, and the gift of marriage is that between the husband and wife they can explore a lot of ground sexually so long as it's between only them.

  5. southernmost says:

    Hi there Observanne,

    I just want to say firstly; don't worry. Human psychology is a weird thing and trying to understand it doesn't always help. There have been things – in fact there are things – that turn me on which often leave me thinking "What am I thinking?". Like someone mentioned above: it's often taboo that gets us most aroused – that which is forbidden or sometimes impossible. And this can bring guilt and embarrassment, like it has to me before.

    But don't let it get you down. We as humans are just complex sexual beings. I'm no psychologist (and I don't think you need to see a therapist), but I think you need to put a purpose to this fetish as you call it. You've already said you're not ok with cheating, so you can rule out actively pursuing this. So then, is this fetish just a means of "getting off"? If that's the case, I don't think it's such a bad thing. If you have climaxed to this fetish how do you feel afterwards? Do you feel like the fantasy has served its purpose? If so, then don't worry. You might get a few fantasies in the future that you're just going to get off to. But my advice would be to live in the moment, to get to know your body, and one day the body of your spouse too. I try this and I find myself relying less on outside influences, and more on what's around me – things that stimulate my senses, from my own touch to the smell of bed linens or the sound of rain.

    I think though that this fetish isn't your actual problem, it's just a symptom of the fear you have of being cheated on. You may have to fight this fear head-on and take a chance if you want to be happy. Look to the root-cause.

    I hope this helps,
    Kind regards,


    • Observanne says:

      Sorry for the late reply. Thank you so much for your help! I'll try to look at the root cause and not overthink this fetish.

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