My wife and her female colleagues at work often talk about sex. They’re all about the same age, early to late 40s, but there are a few women in their 30s. All of them are wives and moms. The conversations can get very personal, and it’s not uncommon for several of the women to come to my wife for sex advice, as there’s a prevailing (and accurate) perception that we have an exciting sex life.
My wife shares much of what they talk about with me. The most common topic of angst and discussion: Most of the women don’t desire sex nearly as much as their husbands do, especially the women in their mid to late 40s. Other themes have emerged, too. Although all of the women give their husbands blowjobs, about half of them are repulsed by cum and won’t swallow despite their husbands’ pleas to do so. Also, about half never orgasm during sex, and their husbands also only rarely perform oral sex on them—and yet all are under pressure to generously give blowjobs. All of the wives masturbate, some more frequently than others; for some, masturbation is the only way they orgasm. Sex toys are a frequent topic of discussion.
My wife’s advice to her friends over the years has been consistent and out of it, I think, 10 great principles for healthy married sex have emerged. These are from my wife and me, and I want to share them (in no particular order):
In a healthy marriage, sex should be frequent—quantity matters. Our approach to frequency is that sex is sometimes scheduled, occasionally obligatory to meet the other spouse’s need if you’re tired or not in the mood, and at least once a week, ravenously exciting. We have lived by this code for 21 years. I would say 1/3 of the sex we have is scheduled, 1/3 “maintenance” (quickies/obligatory), and 1/3 incredibly exciting (usually saved for the weekends). We typically have sex 5-7 times per week, including some “double days” on the weekends. That includes “oral-only” sessions. A typical week for us:
Sunday night: Scheduled/quicky (occasionally Sunday morning, too)
Monday: Off (both tired)
Tuesday night: Scheduled/about 10-20 minutes (typically use a vibrator during intercourse to ensure she orgasms)
Wednesday night: Maintenance/quicky
Thursday night: Scheduled/about 10-20 minutes
Friday night: Big session (1-2 hours)
Saturday: Quicky in the morning (15 minutes); big session in the evening (1-2 hours)
Oral sex is a two-way street and should almost always be 50/50. A good wife sucks her husband’s cock, and a good husband devours his wife’s pussy. There should never be instances of a husband getting a blowjob and not returning the favor, and vice versa—unless it’s that time of the month for a wife, and she’s doing her man a favor.
Savor your spouse’s orgasmic juices. As a wife is orgasming, a good husband should lick her wetness, taste it. Go deeply with his tongue. Swallow her nectar. Make her cum again. Kiss her immediately afterward (my wife loves that.) By the same token, a good wife relishes her husband’s semen. This reminds me of a Q&A about my cum, captured on a sex tape we shot together only a few weeks ago as Lauren was giving me a blowjob. In the throes of pleasure, I asked her if she wanted my cum. She said “yeah.” Eager for naughty talk, I asked why she wanted it. “It’s from you,” she replied. “It tells me I made you feel good. It’s salty—I love salty. It’s warm…messy. Sometimes pungent. Feels good filling my mouth and going down my throat.” I then asked her if she likes big loads or smaller loads. She smiled, giggled, and answered, “Definitely big loads.” Then the kicker: “Feed me.” And I did.
For wives only: Occasionally sexually submit to your man. Let him have his way with you. If you consider yourself a strong, independent woman (as my wife does), then sexual submission is an act of confidence. My wife greatly enjoys, at times, letting me have my way with her, such as fucking her really hard and deep in doggy-style position while I spank her ass cheeks. By the same token, she has at times enjoyed handcuffing me and riding me hard. Don’t get me wrong: Sex for us is typically 50/50, but there are times when Lauren wants to submit and just get hammered. About sexual submission, she has told me, “I love to feel like your woman.”
Don’t be ashamed of any part of your body. Every part of you is beautiful. Let your spouse fully experience your body.
So long as it’s consensual and between a husband and wife, do it (but only if you both desire it). We will be the first to admit that with this rule, we have occasionally pushed the boundaries perhaps too far, such as with exhibitionism, our camera, use of toys meant to simulate group sex, and one or two other very naughty things we did in previous years. We have learned as we’ve gone, and for us, the key to exploring boundaries is talking them over first.
Every woman needs a good vibrator, and some need a dildo, too. Not much else to say. We own three vibrators and two dildos. We use them together, and she enjoys using them alone, as well. It is so fun to press her wand vibrator against her clit and watch her pleasure!
Don’t be afraid of anal pleasure. Deep down, most women want it. This one admittedly isn’t for every couple. It took us years to fully experiment with anal. Lauren enjoys it more than I do. It’s not super frequent for us, but there are times when we go all-in with anal (so to speak).
Masturbation shouldn’t be hidden from each other, and it’s not a replacement for sex. We have always been rather open about masturbation. My wife’s view on self-pleasure is that it’s not a replacement for sex; it fulfills its own purposes. As much as we enjoy sexual intimacy, there are times when she wants to pleasure herself with a vibrator or her fingers, and quite honestly, it’s that way with me, too. We also use it in foreplay. I would say 100% of sessions between us involve masturbation to tease each other during foreplay. Every single female friend of hers masturbates, but only a few are open about with their husbands.
A woman’s pussy is a temple. It is beautiful and should be kept as such. This one may cause controversy, but my wife often counsels her friends to keep their pussies well-groomed. A woman doesn’t have to shave her pussy bald as my wife does, but she should keep it in order for her man. By the way, she absolutely applies this rule to husbands, too. She would not suck my cock the way she does if I were a hairy beast down there.
If you have other ideas to add or a different take on one of these suggestions, the comments are open. -MH
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