Do women struggle with lust as much as men?

Lately, I’ve been wondering if women struggle with lust the same as men do. You really never see anything saying that they do. All I’ve ever seen is how lust drives men. I understand that we’re all built differently, but when it comes down to it, we are all red-blooded humans. Is lust just lust or is it different for women? I would appreciate some feedback, if you have the time.

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37 replies
  1. SecondMarge says:

    I think it is somewhat different for us. Maybe because of what we are taught. Maybe it’s the media. Maybe it’s natural as a woman can have a baby a year, men have the drive to spread their seed daily. But on any given day we can be as horny as a man. Lust is a good thing.

  2. WeldersWife says:

    I think women tend to lust differently. Of course, there’s exceptions to every rule but my opinion is that women lust based on the big picture (love, marriage, kids) whereas men tend to lust based solely on physical attraction (at first anyway)

    • SecondMarge says:

      I think that was once upon a time the taught behavior. Women only desire sex to have a child. Or to get a husband. Or to keep a husband. While men are only interested in pleasure. We know better now. Again an example of taught behavior modifying natural behavior.

  3. Fearless Lunk says:

    You are presenting “lust” as the problem of men. But it doesn’t seem you are defining lust properly. I don’t think most men have an unhealthy coveting of other people. This is more abnormal. If you are simply using lust to mean “having sexual desires” — (a) that’s no lust, and (b) it’s not immoral or even improper to have sexual desires. I have lots of sexual desire in my life, even a robust fantasy life, but I feel I have almost zero lust in me.

    • SecondMarge says:

      Desire, lust and covet are all very different. I think it’s a mistake to use them interchangeably.

  4. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    The word lust just means desire, and that can be for good things that you can rightfully have and bad things or things you can't rightfully have. So a struggle with lust implies having a strong desire (some say with plans to take) what I shouldn't. I just have to ask myself whether it is okay to want the thing. If the thing is okay—say enjoying the looks of a guy without trying to have sex with him—I don't "struggle" with it. It may turn me on, but I don't want *him*; I want sex, and I can turn to my husband with that need. (Though tbh, while I esthetically enjoy the human body in all its natural varieties, it doesn't ever make me go, "man, I want me some of that.")

    There may be some truth to Marge's idea that men's biological drive to "spread their seed" lead to their desire for more than one woman. The first command was to be fruitful and multiply, and the first man was only given one wife, but God never condemned the practice of a man taking more than one woman under his care (and enjoyment.) In our society, that isn't lawful, though, and I can see how it would cause problems. But biblically speaking, it isn't a moral failing to desire a woman unless she already belongs to someone else. That's the only thing that would make her unavailable.(This digs into the Greek and Hebrew, and we've discussed that ad nauseum.)

    I confess that I enjoy sex a lot, and it led me to make unwise decisions earlier on. Did I lust for men? Yes. But in agreement with WeldersWife, I believe the underlying hope was that I would please a man so much that he would love me enough to commit to me, putting the cart before the horse. Do I lust for men now? No, I have everything I need in the man who chose to marry me. My meal has been delivered to the table, and I will be enjoying it until death do us part, but I still glance at the menu from time to time. 😋

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      In the sense of propitiation of the species, yes, but not that everyone can or should, or that we shouldn't use discretion in when and how many children to have. I'm just saying that the biological imperative to have sex is a function of God's creation and intent, as is the psychological drive to be able to protect and provide for a family.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      The instructions given to Noah and his sons and their respective wives were directed to the eight of them, just as they were to Adam and Eve. They were addressed to five married couples, man and wife, not given as a command to every generation. I do believe these words convey God's general intent that sex be enjoyed frequently between spouses and that children be born to replenish the earth; no more, no less.

      But I understand that you are trying to show me that I *don't* believe that the word of God should be taken literally or that I pick and choose what should and shouldn't. I would answer that so do you, you simply choose fewer of them to guide you. We each have to read the scriptures; try to understand them the best we can through prayer, study, and the Christian counsel we trust; apply our understanding to our choices; and not use them as a weapon to bully others to our way of thinking, but reason with and encourage each other in well-doing.

      (I'm not accusing you of bullying me, Marge. I hope no one thinks that of you.)

    • SecondMarge says:

      No I am looking for tolerance for the many different ways people understand scripture. But yes I think it is more than clear that some instructions for mankind were meant for then and no longer apply. I think almost all religions [denominations?] think that. Just which ones is the disagreement. To me clearly the world is a very different place now.

    • Adoniswerewolf says:

      Every word still applies, every word still matters.

      It's never been right to dismiss God and His Word. He does care about how we have sex.

      Its worrying to me that some are willing to say the Bible is too old to matter anymore. If that's the case, why even believe it at all?

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I wonder the same thing! But we all have to come to that realization ourselves—or not. I do believe that each of us has personal responsibility for how we handle the Word of God, but how we interact with it and understand it is a constant journey, sometimes with detours. Maturing in Christ can be defined as practicing obedience in everything you understand and seeking to understand more. I think all of us are on that road, just at different places on it.

    • SecondMarge says:

      We all pick and choose which words we follow. We all interpret the words differently then think the only way is the way we believe. This fear of knowledge is a long standing issue. Why does it bother you that others faith differs from yours? Because you feel the need to judge them? That they might be right and you could be wrong?

      No one follows all of the words in scripture. They justify those they don’t and judge others for not following the ones they do.

      I think not using your intellect to realize what scripture no longer applies is a sin.

    • daisy1974 says:

      Get along, brothers and sisters! Adoniswarewolf made a good point and so did SecondMarge. I don't think SecondMarge is picking and choosing, just making proper application. And I would not accuse someone of sin because they have a different opinion.

  5. King Arthur says:

    I agree with all of the above. But I have a question: Can one person fulfill ALL of the needs of another? (Sexual, physical, financial, spiritual, emotional, etc.) If not, should we consider polyamory? (Just a thought) I've been married 42 years.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I believe that God answered that question by providing Adam only Eve as his spouse and vice versa. Yes, we *can* be satisfied by and meet all the needs of one spouse. If that isn't happening, there is definitely room for growth, in my opinion. But marriage is a partnership, and each couple has to find their own balance, and each individual push past their druthers, to make it work.

    • SecondMarge says:

      Good point King. I gather if you are a King like Solomon or others of wealth you get as many partners as you want with the reward of your words in the Bible. Many believers think the Bible allows for multiple wives. We show very little tolerance for those with different interpretation of scripture. In reality, no, one person can not be our best companion in all ways. We work with others, eat meals others cook etc. And in most cases sexually we are not completely pleased. Yet compromise is our answer mixed with denial. Through history a concubine, mistress or affairs has been the solution. Or the more recent American solution of serial monogamy. Hopefully MH helps raise the level of intimacy in marriages. But the percentage of uneven sex drives and sexless marriages is huge. Yet we deny the problem and pretend God found us a perfect partner in all ways.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      My husband and I like to say that, though imperfect, we are perfect for each other. Even the conflicts between us help us grow in love and acceptance of our differences. Compromise, yes. Denial, no.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Aw. thanks! 😊 Not perfect, but what each of us needs to become who God wants us to be.

    • adamgardener says:

      It is interesting to me that we never question if people having multiple children, or multiple friends, or multiple hobbies or jobs is inherently bad. But we do have that expectation of one mate. A former girlfriend of mine said that I was a good man, but "heavy" at times, emotionally. And I understood exactly what she meant. Would it be different if she didn't have to bear that burden alone? I've often wondered.

  6. LochMaree says:

    As a woman, I don't lust for someone specific that I'm not married to but I do desire sex a lot. I write romance novels about Christian people and my books are not what the literary world would consider "clean". And that's because I can barely get through a chapter without a adding a sex scene. I've taken out more sex than I've included. The sex is between married couples, but is that lust? It's not sin to experience that with your spouse, but is it lust to read it? That is the question, and I'm unsure of the answer. I know men like visuals, and yet romance novels are written and read primarily by women. I'm not sure what men are doing with those visuals (LOL) but I know, as a woman, what I'm doing with a romance novel – making my own visuals. – Mare

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      That is a good point! The movie in my head when I read a racy romance novel or erotic story (or just enjoy a personal fantasy) is probably akin to what most guys do with the visual stuff they enjoy. It turns me on, excites me. When it comes to what is sexually exciting, maybe it's less "visual versus not visual" as it is "imaginative versus concrete" or "fact-driven versus story-driven", and these are individual differences, though their prevalence could be correlated with one biological sex or another Even with the visual erotica, my preference is for something that tells a story versus just showing me physical characteristics or actions. I usually want a couple involved, or at least an implication of interaction with someone behind the camera, who I imagine to be the spouse. Unlike a lot of folks, other people's solo masturbation isn't really one of my turn-ons. So, yeah, I think visual stimulation is involved whether I see or imagine; I just don't "struggle" unless it stirs in me an urge to *do* something God says isn't for my best or that of others. I'm gonna go share this on the post about visual stimulation.

    • Peterpan says:

      As single male, I love to read stories between a married couple. It excites me, to read how a man and woman have the time of their life. But I don't have any lust for the woman in that story. It makes me happy she is enjoying herself; that excites me.

    • LochMaree says:

      Thank you, Missy. You're kind. I would recommend "Saltair" for romance, if I may. My other book is not a romance book – it's just the opposite. I have three more romance books in the works as they are part of a series. I'm also illustrating them with paintings so it's taking me a while to finish. I'm not illustrating sex scenes, they are paintings of real life because it's not just a story about sex, it's about whole lives. And while whole lives can include sex, I'm just not going to paint that – not yet, anyway. I'm still struggling with the visuals that the words produce.

  7. Heated Lover says:

    I have a hard time. I have a very high sex drive. As a single Christian woman, I believed wanting sex and a man…..aching for my husband was the lust of the flesh and to be starved to death. I was disciplined for masturbating at the age of five and grew up with shame and fear. I turned to masturbating to porn. I was ashamed. I know porn is not right. God delivered me from porn. But I have fallen a few times. The pull to watch it is so strong. Just watching men and women masturbating and having sex fascinates me. So yes women can and do struggle with lust. I am learning that my high sex drive is good and masturbation a gift from God. I enjoy reading the stories here.

    • Fearless Lunk says:

      I feel like most of us are conditioned to believe that looking at porn is having “lust”. I don’t believe that’s true. Porn CAN become an addiction (as can any stimulant). But if we ENJOY watching couples have sex or masturbate, then it’s a “struggle” — because I’m not supposed to enjoy it. I say hogwash. If it’s in moderation and outside of addiction, it’s ok to enjoy looking. And it’s ok to be aroused by it. #MySoapbox

    • SecondMarge says:

      This issue of contradictory beliefs is about being stuck in between still believing some old fundamentalist ideas and a realization they no longer make sense. Porn is only wrong if it stops you from having sex with a willing partner or takes up so much of your time you do not accomplish other important things in your life. Shame is a terrible emotion you should eliminate. Lust and pleasure are good as long as they do not harm others. Watching others have sex or masturbating live or on TV is very enjoyable and improves orgasms for most of us. Do not deny yourself, life is short. If you are married make every attempt to fulfill your needs with your spouse. If you still have desires, satisfy them in any manner cause no harm to your spouse. [I believe] God has no problem with the beauty and arousal of watching others having sex live or on memorex.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      HL, the same thing happened to me at a young age! Our babysitter refused to keep us anymore while my mom worked because I wouldn't keep my hand out of my panties at naptime. As if a toddler knows anything more than "that feels good!"

      If you struggle with a sense of condemnation for anything you truly believe is wrong, remember, "Jesus died for that one, too." You are forgiven. Go forward with the weight lifted from your soul. There's a LOT of discussion on MH around porn or audio-visual erotica (AVE) which I'm sure you can find with a search. But I don't believe the Bible condemns masturbation (nor longing for what you most certainly can have—hot, passionate sex with the man who will love and commit to you for life.) The question is whether it is good for *you*, as FL and Marge point out.

    • adamgardener says:

      I struggle with the idea that watching a person performing a solo sex act is inherently lustful. In part, because my sexuality is very connected to emotion. While I may be fascinated to SEE that act, I don't desire to fornicate with someone I don't even know. I know nothing about them, or if we'd even be emotionally attracted to each other. I think the presumption is that men can be purely physical and just want to jump in bed with someone, but I've never been able to do that – so I don't know if watching is inherently wrong, given that it doesn't make me want to do anything sinful with the party in the pic or video.

    • Fearless Lunk says:

      EXACTLY! Just because you see a masturbation scene… or even a couple having intercourse… does not mean you are lusting to have that person in bed with you IRL. We can just admire the eroticism and beauty of the sexuality on display. Even if it “inspires” us, it most likely never leads to actual lust.

  8. kdm1984 says:

    I addressed this a bit in my December article. I'm a woman who gets excited by men's appearance easily. I don't need stories or emotional connections to get excited. I remember ESPN Body Issue being very titillating; they had a basketball player and Banana Republic model in one of their issues who totally turned me on. Really attractive guy from head to toe. Absalom material for sure.
    I do think men are able to get turned on a bit easier by seeing body parts in isolation. While I'm certainly not averse to seeing men's 'parts,' I prefer to see the entire body and face when viewing pics. This is why guys sending pics of their you-know-what, doesn't work well with women. Even for the ones who are more readily visually stimulated, like I am, we prefer seeing all of you at once, not just that singular part of the anatomy. 🙂

  9. sarah k says:

    Where the bible condemns 'lust', 'covet' would be a better translation.
    Nothing sinful about desiring sex per se. But the nature of what is desired, (such as a gang-bang, or your neighbours' spouse) can be unhealthy.

    You may have heard
    Men play at love to get sex, women play at sex to get love.?
    It is garbage. Women can and do want sex too. It is how God made us.

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