Be Grateful For Your Marriage
MH (Missy) mentioned that this topic would be better suited as a discussion post, which I do agree so here’s opening this topic up to general discussion đ
I think in today’s world, a majority of married people including those on MH may not fully appreciate the blessing enough that they have a spouse in today’s hyper-sexualised world versus the consistent disappointment some of us singles are going through while waiting.
I posted a thread years ago asking how did people meet. I’ve linked the discussion below:
How Did You Meet Your Current Spouse?
I didn’t know why I asked that question at first, but I now upon reflecting, I know that I was trying to get at something: what work did married people do more than single people in order to get married?
My conclusion is none. All of the stories on how people met their spouse magnify God’s grace like salvation. No story is alike; all are unique, but most couples met by chance, and there wasn’t an extra amount of work that they have done that made God look and say, “That person deserves a spouse,” over someone elseâjust like those of us who are in Christ do not deserve salvation more than the next person. We are just fortunate to have found God and accepted Jesus as our Lord and Saviour for ourselves thus having the eternal gift of salvation.
This is why when it comes to married couples advising singles on how to meet a potential spouse, it will often fall short. It won’t take into account the difficulties and nuances of today’s dating culture. There is still a huge assumption that people will meet, marry, and have sex young (below 25). The Church especially has not adjusted itself for a world where people are abstaining past 30/40 and may not even get married at all.
Therefore to tell Christian singles over 25 to take your time during sex, it’s not going to be that great the first time, etc., is a massive slap in the face, especially when we have been abstaining that whole time. To abstain in today’s world takes a lot of self-control, and so to finally have an environment where you can have sex as God ordained it is one of the most wonderful things to be able to experience. However, most of us will be marrying older, and some not at all, so that needs to be taken into account.
Assuming people get married young isn’t correct anymore. Assuming everyone who wants marriage will get married also isn’t correct anymore. Those days are honestly gone. Assuming that life-long abstaining singles don’t have high sex drives is also wrong.
If the above seems shocking to you, then it just goes to show what a blessing marriage is. 1 Corinthians 7:2 states, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.” The ability to avoid sexual immorality doesn’t stop with just the marital bed and being able to focus your sexual desires on one another. It also allows you to ignore the sexual depravity occurring in the rest of the world because you are in an environment where sexual union is kept holy and pure. You don’t need to look for a spouse because you have one. For those of us who are single however, we are forced to be aware of the depravity of the world because the expectation now is sex on a first dateâwell before getting to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, let alone marriage. If you don’t want to submit to those standards… well, forget finding someone. And in the rare case that you do, you also need to be attracted to them and have the same values. (Let’s not ignore or downplay attractiveness since most people having active sex lives are very attracted to their spouse and that was one of the first things they noticed about them. I would hate to marry someone who doesn’t find me attractive from the start and vice versa. You have no obligation to have sex with someone you aren’t attracted to unless you marry them, so the best way to avoid this is to not marry someone you aren’t attracted to in my honest opinion).
The biggest thing that would have been helpful to have known is how much most men would drop the ball in this department. Nothing could have prepared me for the disappointment in this area (so I don’t think that first-time sex could be a disappointment even further than this). This is something my female friends and I agree on, too. That’s where our expectations were high, but the reality did not match up and has not now for almost 30 years. Sadly, most men are not leading in this area, and older married men are also not mentoring these younger men to look for wives and/or teaching them how to submit their sexuality to the Lord instead of living in blatant fornication. There’s only so much that women can do, and if more men don’t step up, we should not be shocked when we see a multitude of single, childless women in churches in the next 5-10 years, not single by choice but circumstance.
To those who read this, please be grateful for your marriages. Be grateful that you can blissfully ignore the sexual depravity that exists out in this world today in the safety net of your marriage. Even if you aren’t having sex that often, at least you have some level of access to it. Once a year is still better than zero for a lifetime when you are almost 30 or 40âor even 80, in some circumstances.
It’s extremely hard for us singles out there.
A very touching post. I will say that my wife was in her early 40s when we married, and our sex life is anything but a disappointment. Of course we failed to fully consummate our marriage on our wedding night but made up for it the next day! (See my story, Melodyâs First Time parts 1 & 2.)
My Melody can really understand your situation. Her willingness to marry a divorced single father and become an instant mother was a great blessing for me & my kids AND her!
I want to add that we met in Sunday School, so that helped us in having common Christian values. But we really understood how frustrating it is that so many people now days are following the ways of the world instead of Godâs design of marital sex.
Thanks LovingMan for your response. As I mentioned in my other post, I'll probably use dialators since the thought of that level of pain after waiting so long would certainly turn me off from sex than on.
I think the issue is that very few couples meet in Church anyway (I heard it's as low as 5%). So I go to Church for fellowship, not to look for a spouse because there's a 95% chance he's not there. Even "Christians" are following the ways of the world. It's a question you have to ask whether you meet them in Church or not because today you just don't know.
Dear SinglePringle,
There are never easy answers when you are a Believer relying only on your faith to get you what you want most when you are single: a marriage partner and sex. For I agree with you that, in this time you were born into, there is a ubiquitous separation of sex from love. It is a painful divorce that affects us all in some way, and it really is all quite unfair.
It affects you for desiring to be a righteous human being among so very many unrighteous ones because you have to endure the burn of your natural desires to remain faithful to what you hold as truth in your heart while their immorality swirls around you. That sucks, really. And on top of that, masturbation is a far too temporary surcease for those desires, isnât it?
It also affects many parents like me who have all but given up hope for seeing grandchildren. Yep, that sucks, too.
You do have friends, though. They're not a substitute for that special one, I know, but they do bring love into your life.
Something to think about? Maybe?
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I can appreciate it.
Keep being good, though. Donât give in. Your God is Jehovah, The One True God, and He doesnât disappoint the righteous. And for your staying good, SinglePringle, may you find your matching Pringle as crisp and unbroken as yourself. đ
Thanks for your response Eleutheros. Trust me when I say I understand about the grandchildren aspect. That's part of the issue. In my culture, that's the next step and I know if I never get married, I'm not having children which means my parents won't be grandparents. Is that sad? Of course, but this is God's plan, not mine. My mum LOVES children and oftens tells us how forward she's looking to being a grandparent. I politely remind her "no husband, no kids".
Masturbation, while it scratches the itch, is never a substitute for sex but better that than nothing!
I am focused on friendships right now, and honestly, I'm fine if I never get married because I can see the benefits of singleness. (But it doesn't stop me from wanting to be able to experience one of these MH stories in my own life!). The main aim of my post is to encourage married people that you do have a way of escape within your marriage that we singles aren't privy too. There are pros and cons to singleness and marriage, but lets face it: if you're a happily married person, you're not often thinking you'd like to be single. But most singles, if given the choice, would love to be married.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really is God's grace that has allowed me to remain as I am. And I absolutely love this: "And for your staying good, SinglePringle, may you find your matching Pringle as crisp and unbroken as yourself. đ" Thank you đ â€ïž
Good post, SinglePringle. I do feel a lot of what you're saying, even though I am completely happy with the possibility of never marrying. I've noticed that men, even Christian men, seem to be freer with their sexual lives than women, or at least, they may be okay with having had sexual experiences but they want to marry virgins. I think there is a double standard, though it may be unspoken. I've watched podcasts where Christian guys (often with quite the sexual past) will lay down very strict expectations for the women they want to marry, and it does seem a bit unfair. Yet, I will not compromise just because others do. If I am meant to be single because of the lack of pure men, so be it. And the good news is, pure men do exist. It takes a work of God to bring them into our lives, but it does happen. For instance, my sister met a guy twenty years her senior, and he had kept himself pure all his life as he prayed and waited for a wife. They are now joyfully married and have a baby. Their story is beautiful. I have quite a few friends who also found Godly virgin spouses. It just depends on God's plan. Maybe He needs more single people who are focused on winning souls and preparing for His return as we get into the last days. The world is so evil, and I really feel that Jesus might be back soon. I hope so, anyhow! I just want you to find all your joy and fulfillment in Him, whether or not you ever experience marital love. God bless you, sister!
Thanks LovelyLonelyLady, I agree that the double standard is so disheartening. I've spoken to Chrisitan guys that have slept around yet the moment they found out I was a virgin, they gunned for me harder. It was horrible and very offputting. I think more women nowadays are going to be single to be honest and that's kinda what I was alluding to in this post. That doesn't take away from the vibrant wonderful marriages on MH and I'm very happy that they're willing to give us an insight into their sex lives, it's encouraging to see.
That's lovely that happened for your sister. I agree, it all depends on God's plan. You're right they do exsist, I just don't see them in my own personal life so it's hard to feel that they do. I only ever interact with them in forums/online which is a shame đ
The verses 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 come to mind: 32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lordâs affairsâhow he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this worldâhow he can please his wifeâ 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lordâs affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this worldâhow she can please her husband. So yes, as a single, we are to be concerned with the things of the Lord, and if marriage isn't for me, then I will continue to focus on and find my joy in Him. Married people are to be concerned with pleasing their spouse and children if they have any. MH shows what that looks like sexually in a very healthy way which is great.
Thanks again for your encouragement, always great to interact with you too. God Bless!
I wasn't initially sure if I should reply to this. I don't want to appear cliched or unfeeling, because I was in the same boat as you till I was almost 30, so I genuinely get how frustrating it can be. Having been married for nearly 13 years now however, I perhaps have a slightly different take. What I'd say (arguably over-simply), is that we should always be grateful, for every single state we find ourselves in. Marriage can look like a blessing, and it certainly is/can be, but marriage can also be a test, as much as single life can be a test. Marriage sounds like the ticket to a boundless, fruitful sexlife. For some it is, but MH is proof of the fact that there are some of us living in sexless marriages, for all kinds of complex reasons! Single life can offer freedom, focus, and a less complicated life. Marriage can offer friendship, security and sensuality, yet at other times it can be a hard and rough test, and one can definitely feel lonely within it. So, my point is that the idea of marriage being a cure-all is just too simplistic, and I know I didn't apreciate that when I was single and searching. So, I try my hardest to be grateful for every state, to focus on the things I do have rather than those I do not. I think this is partly what you are saying in this post too, but I sense your hurt and frustration, so felt the need to point out that marriage doesn't always ease that, and hopefully you can find a degree of peace where you are right now, in recognising the complexity of the bigger picture, and that there is just no way of knowing what God has planned for you. I wish you all of the blessings that are written for you; may they find you at the right time.
Hey SP I'm not sure I agree with you, certainly not wholeheartedly. For one thing, being in a marriage where you're only having sex once a year, that doesn't sound like a marriage to me, it sounds like a sham. It would only serve to remind me of unfulfilled expectations and how good things used to be but aren't anymore. I do believe such relationships can be repaired but it takes both parties being willing. And being faced with the choice of a marriage like that and dying a virgin, I think I might choose the latter, because at least then I wouldn't know what I was missing!
The message of being grateful for what you have rather than what you don't is a good one, but be careful because it goes both ways! You're writing to people who have a lot more life experience than you (or I) do and it's impossible for us to really put ourselves in their shoes. I think there are a lot of people here who will tell us that no marriage is perfect and I think it's important to keep that perspective. All the married people out there were once where we are now (if not to the same degree if they married much younger).
As for anyone out there older/more experienced telling you that your first time might not be wonderful and that it could take a while before it is, I for one am willing to accept that, if only so that I don't go in with such high expectations that are impossible to be fulfilled. Better to be pleasantly surprised than be continually let down, I'd say. I don't think that an older virgin is going to be better at sex merely because he/she is older, I think the lack of experience probably levels the playing field here. But as far as the older generations offering dating advice, I do think that it needs to be taken with a grain of salt–I'm one that has been the victim of bad boomer advice in the past, and it's left me a bit jaded, so I get it. I think there's a greater level of understanding and empathy that both we and they need to find.
Now, if we see a multitude of single, childless women in churches in the next 5-10 years, I see that as very beneficial to me, assuming I can hold on that long! I can appreciate how grim that must seem for young ladies if there are so few good men around, and I don't know what cultural things are like across the pond. It does seem that you really prize virginity very highly in a man; I'm not saying that you're wrong to want that, but again with the expectations vs. reality, if you're saying there aren't (m)any virgin men in your church.
LLL, talking about double standards between men and women: I'm not saying it's right, but remember that from an historical perspective, women were always more forgiving of men's lack of virginity! Honestly I'm such an introvert that I've been hoping to run across some bolder women who don't mind asking the guys out. (Hasn't happened to me, though.) But also, for the last 10+ years I've complained so much about the lack of single women in my church, when really I perhaps needed to start looking for a different church–a painful process for me but one that I now consider necessary.
Lately I've been challenging a lot of the viewpoints I've been holding for the last decade and more: if I keep doing the same thing expecting different results, that's the textbook definition of insanity. I find a lot of the recommendations I've heard distasteful, like trying online dating. Maybe I'm not desperate enough. But I do wonder if I (and by extension, you as well) can find areas to be more proactive about finding spouses. And I think this is an area where advice from those who are married can be really beneficial, not in any one specific thing but just hearing from a multitude of experiences. I really enjoyed your post asking couples how they'd met, though I wish there had been more detailed responses! So I'm not ready to disregard relationship advice yet, certainly not wholly. There are options out there that I haven't exhausted yet.
Doesn't Scripture say that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing or something like that? Perhaps if those who are single all stop looking and spend time serving, HE might find a mate for them. Remember also that there are many of us who have or had lost spouses due to sickness or accident. Many may have had much sexual marital experience or even have children of any ages. Some may be widows or widowers; they are legitimate to marry. HE may send you someone of a different race, so be open to prayer and discernment. Don't grab the first thing you see. Don't overlook obvious bad faults because of anxiety. Who God has for you, no one can take; however, you can sure ruin it by bad behavior.
Scripture also says "It is good for a man not to marry…he who marries will have trouble in this life!" However, I think you are really onto something with your last few sentences, a lot of solid things in there. We should never act of our own power out of fear.