Accepting My Sexual Nature?
Hello, MarriageHeat. I could use some advice.
Having grown up in the purity culture, I still carry a lot of that baggage. I don’t really know what to do. Off and on for several years, I’ve tried to get more comfortable accepting myself as a sexual being—with little success. I feel guilty when I’m aroused, when I am attracted to a woman, when I think of masturbation.
I’ve gone back and forth on my views about written erotica, pornography, masturbation, and what’s appropriate to talk about vs. bury. The truth is, I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m around 30, and I’m tired. No matter what I do, it feels “wrong”, and I cannot talk to anyone about this stuff because of the sensitive nature.
As I said, I’m tired. Tired of sometimes being on the verge of tears when I’m aroused, tired of suppressing my natural sexual desires, tired of feeling guilty if I don’t suppress them.
I have no idea what to do at this point. What are your thoughts? And thank you in advance.
Hello QT1. In short, no, you should not try and suppress your sexual nature. In fact, it’s rather impossible to do so. What you can do is channel your thoughts towards your future wife and masturbate. Opinions on the different forms of erotica vary widely here, and I cannot give you a definitive answer of what is right and wrong. But I can tell you to focus your desires and chosen forms of erotica to those that depict a healthy and Biblical sexual relationship between husband and wife. The stories here are safe, and you can picture yourself and your future wife in these scenarios. Over time, you will find that certain things turn you on more than others. This is healthy, as it helps you identify with your sexual nature. Be careful with porn, as it can steer you towards unhealthy desires and expectations. Choose wisely in your path, but our sexual nature is given to us by God, and therefore, you can take comfort in the fact that He designed you as such. You can also take comfort in the fact that He doesn’t give us these desires without providing a healthy and Godly way to explore them. I will pray for you, brother, as I know how difficult this can be.
Welcome to MH! I understand your struggles, because I was also raised to a degree with purity culture teachings, and it took some years of Biblical research and prayer to change my entire views on sex and masturbation. I see now that both are gifts from God and should NOT be looked on as dirty. Some of my posts about my transformation may encourage and enlighten you. If you click my username, it should take you to my stories. Read the ones about my introduction to MarriageHeat and my journey to truth. Praying for you, brother!
Hey, I appreciate the kind words. To be honest, this has been such a strange and up, down, backwards and around journey. I honestly don't know what to do at this point.
I think I may have seen some of your posts in the past, but don't know how to look for them specifically.
I've tried reading things, both secular and church. I've been active at various points on SongsOfTheBelievers, TheGarden Discord server, and the "christian sexuality" Subreddit on reddit. Nothing really helps; I'll feel okay about it for a while, then not for a while after that.
At this point, i'm just tired.
QT1, first of all thank you for your good questions and your vulnerability. The Church has not done a great job of helping singles understand sexuality. The general message is “keep your pants on until you walk the aisle.” That is not very helpful when a healthy single male has a raging boner on Friday at midnight. Right? This is a BIG topic, and I want to keep it concise. So let me just ask, do you feel guilty when you get tired at night? Do you feel guilty when you get hungry for food? Do you feel guilty when you desire to clean yourself in a bath or shower? We’d all answer NO to these. God designed us with sexuality; it’s His design. He doesn’t just give sexuality to Christians, or straight people, or married people, or a certain race. No. It’s a human experience – to deny your sexuality is to deny your humanness, and that is 100% the opposite of the gospel. Is masturbation a healthy activity for a single? 100% yes! Enjoy your body. And if you meet a beautiful single woman your age, you would be SO happy to know that she had been masturbating and embracing her sexuality too. I like what KM said. Think about your future married sex life (fantasy is fine)… at least primarily. I sometimes look at porn. I know it’s not the healthiest choice, but there definitely is a large vein of “real couple” porn that is the lane I mostly enjoy. So if you can, choose to not use porn, but if you do, keep it only occasional and stay away from the cartoony ‘actors.’ I actually don’t see any moral problems with you looking at still images of bare breasts or things like that to enhance your enjoyment. And my view doesn’t represent everyone here (some are way more conservative). I definitely think you should embrace your sexuality, and be thankful that your arousal and release is a sign that you are working “as God intended.”
Good questions, and don't stop asking, QT1.
I am in 100% agreement with what others have said in response thus far about masturbation for singles, and it also reminds me that this is the only Christian sex site that I know of that has overwhelming, if not necessarily unanimous, agreement on it. Count me as one more.
I grew up during the tail end of the sexual revolution of 50-60 years ago and also don't join in the chorus of it having been all bad. It was a mixed bag; some twisted, perverted lifestyles no doubt did come out of it, but also more good than the legalists will admit—mainly and namely, throwing off unneeded inhibitions.
The one caution I would add is to avoid thinking losing guilt and "masturbating away" will solve anything per se… but it doesn't sound like you believe that it would, so what is there to lose? My answer? Nothing – as long as you have a foundation of loving the Lord, and – hand in hand, I believe – understanding yourself, *what* arouses you, and perhaps as important: *why*. I myself have not mastered that last one, "why", but I'm getting there, fast!
As for a "foundation of loving the Lord", I didn't even have that when I fantasized about my future princess, and, well you can probably fill in the blank…went for it! That foundation came later, but if it can happen for me, it can happen to anyone.
You may not know it, but this is inspiring me to consider sharing more of my story, specifically along these lines, in the hopes it can bring hope to others, including yourself. As I hope this lengthy, semi-rant has done!
The only actual advice I'll give in parting is: once you do get married, hold nothing back from her. That's when I'd say solo pleasure is selfish – and I've been guilty of it plenty of times, so am not preaching from a pedestal. I've been frustrated as a single and a married man.
All the best, my brother, keep praying for your future princess, and uh…have fun! Preferably both! At the same time!
We should lavish love and lust on our wives. The secret is to not start every date with love or lust in mind. View your date as an opportunity to have a good time whether a connection is made or not . Be polite. Be a gentleman. Be a Christian.
My friend, you are not alone in your struggles. But I believe your progress is hindered greatly by your reluctance to talk about how you feel. I understand the feelings of shame, the fear of judgement – but these overwhelming feelings are attacks by the enemy, designed to keep you alone and withdrawn, suffering in silence.
I strongly believe the first step to overcoming your struggles is to find a good counsellor or therapist. Someone you can feel safe opening up to, knowing they will not judge you and will never share what you tell them.
You may not know how freeing it can be to divulge deeply held secrets and shames to another person and for them to not only respond without judgement but with compassion and understanding. To hear you share something about yourself you feel disgusted by and have them say in return "ah yes, that's actually a very common thing to feel. I've heard that many times from many clients. You are quite normal". Experiencing this kind of person to person interaction will help you to understand that it is possible for someone to know exactly what you think and feel and assure you that you are NOT the horrible person you might think you are.
I might make one suggestion though, and that is to be discerning in your choice of therapist that you choose. Perhaps look for someone with a Christian background or ask for a suggestion for a counsellor from a trusted Christian friend or mentor. A good therapist will help you build a foundation for yourself by helping you navigate what feelings are appropriate and which are harmful to you, in order to set appropriate and healthy boundaries for yourself. A bad therapist with no regard for Christian values may tell you to disregard ALL your negative feelings and simply do whatever you want and seek whatever pleasures you desire.
This is my recommendation to you. Be selective and be patient.
It will take time to feel comfortable enough to open up to them. You might even go through 2 or 3 therapists before you find one that you feel comfortable sharing with AND taking advice from.
They are out there. And they can help you.
God Bless.
Your struggles at your point in life are more than understandable. Gone are the days where your parents would have made a bargain and arranged a marriage for you 10-15 years ago. It’s hard to be struggling with this void. I can totally relate to your situation, as it was mine before Kate came into my life, unexpectedly out of nowhere.
I assume you feel like you have less than ideal dating and relationship prospects? If so, why?
I highly recommend the Tim Keller book The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness. It's only 60 pages but is jam packed with biblical wisdom on the human ego. I see myself when i read your question & struggle. There is hope and solution when you change the way you think about yourself, your circumstance, and God. Your ego is a mighty force that demands attention all the time, yet it can be controlled in healthy ways. You don't have to pay any more attention to your ego than you do your elbow or toes. These only demand attention when there is something wrong, and you ego is no different. Understanding this has radically changed how I view myself and my ego. The book is excellent. I'd even send you a free copy of the book if you ask for it. Or you can easily find it online for a few dollars.
Having read the Bible for more than 50 years, and having studied it for more than 30 years, I can honestly say that I do not know of ANY prohibition against masturbation.
I know that a LOT of people THINK that there is, and a LOT of people were guilt-tripped by their parents into thinking that "masturbation is a sin". But, it is not a sin. (In fact, I think that it is the "way of escape" that Paul wrote about.)
The most common argument is that masturbation is "the sin of Onan". A lot of people that use that phrase don't even know its origin. It comes from a story in the Genesis about a man named Onan. God had commanded Onan to father a child. Onan had sex with a woman, but then "spilled his seed on the ground". Some people conclude that Onan had sinned because he masturbated. BUT, the actual "sin of Onan" was disobedience. He refused to obey God's command to father a child. Thus, the sin was THAT he disobeyed, rather than HOW he disobeyed.
I hope that this helps to relieve you of the unnecessary guilt that others have laid upon you. Jesus condemned such people: "They lay heavy burdens upon other men's backs, but lift not a finger to help them."