How do you cope with singleness?
Hey, MH’ers, 34 year old virgin man here. I’ve never been in a relationship. I have been single so long, sometimes I wonder if I even still want that. Although I feel I really would like a family and definitely, definitely have the ‘drive’ for it. Lol.
Two things:
1. In general, I’m curious how the single folks on MH cope with not experiencing intimacy?
2. For the Ladies, what qualities do you look for in a man? What ‘red flags’ do you look for?
Thanks!
Another fellow single! Welcome! I appreciated your answers on my hair post.
Your questions here are so good and so relatable. I won't give details because I've already done a lot of posts about my journey to sexual vibrancy as a single woman, but I'll answer briefly.
To question 1: Now that I am wholeheartedly accepting of my sexuality and rejoicing in how God has made me, I masturbate a LOT and just enjoy thinking about/praying for my future husband. However, I have a contentment in being single that can only be described as divinely-given. I would be fine living single forever. Yet there are times (which are more frequent the more I grow in my understanding of marriage and sex) when I really long for the love and protection of a strong, Godly man. So I'm in this wait-on-the-Lord-but-enjoy-your-body-privately-for-now mode. I get temporary physical relief from masturbating, writing sexy stories on this site, and just re-giving my life and future to Christ. Plus, with the tasks God puts in front of me every day, I am being productive and working while waiting.
Question 2: Oh boy, I have so many preferences and standards in a man I don't know where to start! Not to scare you single guys though! 🤪 My number one requirement is that he loves Jesus and is actively serving Him with his whole heart and life, and that he's urgently seeking lost souls with the Good News. The closer we get to the end times (which I truly think we're living in), the more frantic I feel over seeing people saved before it's too late. I'm trying to be a witness in my own sphere, and my dream is to share that work with a Christ-loving man. Everyone around us is racing towards hell without even knowing it and it breaks my heart. So, that is huge for me. I have a lot of other needs and wants in a future husband; some may be negotiable, some are not. He needs to have steady work; I am not comfortable marrying a guy who isn't established in his life profession. Also, I did a post about how I personally feel about having children. Because of health problems and just a complete lack of mother instinct, I am positive that I am not called to have kids. I want to always be up-front about that with any man who might be interested in me, and since you said you are hoping to have a family, I had to put that out there. A few red flags for me would be: how does he treat his family (if he has any family), especially parents and sisters? Is he empathetic to my health struggles, especially my depression and cycle-related mood slumps? Is he a leader who plunges ahead, or a clueless guy who lets the weight of leadership fall on others? A wife can't handle that. I could go on and on, but I hope these are interesting and informative answers!
Your answers are wonderful! I totally agree! Thank you! 🙂 I used to never masturbate, but the less I did it, the worse it got. Lol. I legit would have a boner all day & sometimes would start leaking lots of precum even though I wasn't lusting after anyone. A couple times I had to run to the restroom & had a legit orgasm there without even touching. Hehe.
I couldn't agree more with the second part of your answer. That's at least partly why I'm still single–haven't met the right one. I don't want to settle/compromise on major things like you mentioned.
LMS, I will mention this: When I was single (before marriage) & my sister was newly married, she counseled me to keep on finding joy in life but don’t get too absolutely comfortable with being unmarried. She said that the longing was God-given and it is meant to be there.
I married a couple of years later but after several years we divorced. I felt devastated.
I was divorced for several years and a single father. Not being married was very difficult but I prayed a lot, took good care of my children, and continued on in my career. I still dated and I had a couple of relationships that did not work out. I got the impression one day at church that being a good father would mean a lot to my future wife. Eventually God blessed us to find each other. I had to shift my paradigms because Melody was older than me and yet I had never pictured myself marrying a cougar. Eventually I figured it out. My kids loved her before I did so duh!
So don’t be too strict in a list of requirements. And keep on dating. By the way, I think my MH stories testify to how much Melody n I love each other and passionately love each other. But I should add that we became best of friends before the romantic feelings set in. So be friends first. Sometimes the relationship will stay in the friend zone but odds are that eventually a friendship with a woman will turn to romance – love – marriage- & great lovemaking!
Melody was in her early 40s when we met. I was in my early 30s. She had never been married so she had pursued her career and served others in her extended family and at church. Although she was still lonely she soldiered on in life, & advanced in her career and even bought a home. She began praying for a friend – a male one – when we found each other. We both had strived to stay close to the Lord and that was a big plus. We actually met in Sunday School.
Being unselfish has been a big part of our relationship over the years. Our relationship is still not perfect, we have disagreements etc. but we have been there for each other through a lot!
God bless you and I pray that you will find the love of your life.
That's great insight. Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like to be with an older woman–if it would cause any issues. I'm not opposed to it, it's just that many women, even those my age are typically much more experienced than I am & are not looking for a guy like me, at least that's my impression. I do desire a virgin woman, but it's not a deal breaker.
1. "In general, I’m curious how the single folks on MH cope with not experiencing intimacy?"
Like LLL said…masturbating. Of course I'm an Aneros practitioner so I've been exploring prostate massage quite heavily; I'm on the Aneros forum far more than I am here. Starting to train myself more with edging though, it seems like good practice for marriage to be able to control my ejaculations as much as possible. Masturbation SHOULD be all about preparation for marriage. My church is on the charismatic side with a strong emphasis on prophetic ministry…for some reason I've had various people prophesy that they see me married in the future and some of them were rather detailed in their descriptions for whatever that's worth. I suppose that at the very least that should mean God won't leave me hanging forever, though like you I feel like I'm getting up there–I'm a couple years ahead of you.
The longer it goes on the more proactive I'm trying to be–God can't steer a parked car, right? I've had some recent experiences that made me rethink the way I've been going about singleness recently. Honestly there are no single women close to my age at my church so I've been shopping around more, and have joined a small group associated at a different church which has been a great experience so far. I also joined a couple Facebook groups dedicated to Christian singles so have been dipping my toes into that world a bit. It's hard because post-COVID seems to be a very tough time for dating, especially when I never have.
And really I think I still have this idea that finding the right woman will automatically make my life what I always hoped it would be which is probably wrong, so I'm trying to find happiness and fulfillment in God first while also not just sitting there waiting for my life to magically happen. Psalm 37:4
I'm in pretty much the same boat! No singles at my church, really no other settings where I could actually meet anyone. Maybe I need to join some groups from other churches or something.
I can relate 100%! It's definitely tricky to meet people. I have read books on sex like She Comes First & also have watched videos on different techniques. I love to learn, it's a shame I haven't been able to put anything to the test yet. Lol.
LLL definitely look into different churches! Not that you need to leave the one you're in–some have Saturday night services, or different outreach programs on weekdays. I find that the more I get involved with different ministries the more opportunities that is to meet people & make friends, which is just as important as finding an SO.
LMS knowledge is power! I think we have walked a pretty similar path.
In 30+ years of marriage we are still rookies compared to your advanced skills. The closest we have gotten to flavored lube is Astroglide & anal. However, I do love breasts. I rather enjoy them. I honestly wish men would've behaved themselves better, back in the day, & feminism would've never started. There is nothing sexier than a woman confidently being a woman. Today, women hide their figure. Had we behaved ourselves maybe we would still be able to enjoy the privilege of a woman's form out in public. Breasts used to be out there, along with all the rest of it. I'm not talking about naked, nor obscene things. I'm just talking about natural clothed women. I realize we men didn't start feminism, but we help give them ammunition. There are women out there that enjoy men looking at them. It is a part of who we are. We have a form & there is no sin in enjoying it, walking down the sidewalk. My wife & I enjoy breast & nipple play. I play with them most when eating her out. Both, my tongue & fingers start out ever so slightly, & by the time she is cumming I am lifting them up by her nipples. Not so rough, but pinching enough to lift them into the air. Great questions. One day, maybe we will become pros like you guys.
Hmm… I'd guess maybe this comment was intended to be posted in reply to LovingMan's post "The Joy of Boobies" but somehow got on the wrong post. Can the comment author confirm, and/or re-comment over on the correct post? I'd hate for it to be left out of that discussion.
I know this comment is arguably very late, but I quite literally made this account on here simply because I feel the same way you do. I'm a 28 year old virgin who's never been in a relationship, but I know for a fact that I had a lot I needed to work on before I even considered myself ready for a relationship.
My journey with a complete lack of intimacy, both due to my own choices and circumstances and others simply not desiring it from me, has been a part of what made me who I am today.
To make a long story short, knowing what kind of relationship I actually wanted, and realizing that I needed to work on myself to get it, became a strong motivator for me to self-improve in almost every area of my life. That, and to realize that there's far more to life than just intimacy. My desire for intimacy is just one part of me. Other parts also need to be enriched and fulfilled as well.
However, I have to admit, it gets painful at times to see so many people younger than me in happy relationships. What's even more painful is seeing so many non-Christians and people who live the exact opposite lives of me seemingly having the most fulfilling sex lives possible and getting that area of their life filled to the brim in satisfaction.
But I also know that their version of fulfilling sex is not what God had in mind when He created us, and that while their sex lives may be thrilling and full of novelty (and numerous potential partners) that it will never bring them true satisfaction and only lead them further away from the good things God actually wants for them.
That, and while I know for a fact in my past that I've had many potential opportunities for such intimacy with numerous potential partners that I never would have found what I actually wanted from them and would likely only feel shame and guilt for those past events.
Excellent post Daft. So well written. Hang in there man. My wife and I were 25 when we married and both virgins. I am proud of you for saving yourself for your future wife. God is an awesome Creator. He designed us with the need for sex and intimacy. Like you said, it takes work to secure a quality relationship. A good marriage is definitely worth it but a lot of work. What I did, before I met my wife, was read books on marriage, attend seminars and such so I could be the best husband for my wife when God allowed her into my life. As far as sexuality goes, I learned so much about my own body. Edging, different erogenous zones like my nipples and body hair and such. As a single, we can receive those sexual gifts with thanksgiving and praise to glorify His name. I stayed away from porn and just focused on how awesome marriage would be someday. I would imagine a woman's body and having sex with her but never a face since I didn't want to lust any particular woman. Edging and jacking helped me stay pure for my wife when God did bring her into my life. Stay the course and trust in the Lord with all your heart brother.
Thank you for posting this, l it gives me hope to know they’re still single virgin guys in our community over 30s.
I often wonder the same thing you do as a woman. Whether I still want marriage or was I meant to be more of an evangelist/apostle to create good works and guide others. I pray and add God this question.
In the past few days, I’ve been feeling some masculine energy around my aura and it’s very sensual but sweet. So I’ve been indulging in that feeling and happen to find this community here. I think it was actually a good thing that I didn’t feel this yearning previously, otherwise I might not have got to where I am and it would’ve been excruciating. But now that these feelings have returned, I’m thinking perhaps it’s all in God timing to awaken the feelings when it’s right. Yet to still see what’s the outcome of course.
1. In general, I’m curious how the single folks on MH cope with not experiencing intimacy?
Funny to say I personally don’t have an idea why I’m not married and loved up yet since my love of intimacy is high! This week has been challenging and luckily found this place where I read others stories for now and live vicariously through them picturing myself and my future husband in these scenarios. Fully pleasuring and releasing myself is the only way so far. Cause if I ignore it I just can’t concentrate all day and nothing gets done. Sometimes I wonder if my Christian man is also on here reading sending me this hot hot energy. It’s intoxicating even spiritually.
2. For the Ladies, what qualities do you look for in a man? What ‘red flags’ do you look for?
What drives his division making process. If he has the ability to truly see from my experience in situations this truly making the best decision and asking me simple questions to clarify then firmly lead. It’s not common but that is where I find relationships fail most. On top of that it’s consulting and waiting on Gods answers as well. In short, spiritually divinely aligned is what I look for. It’s just him being himself is in sync with me being myself. It’s something natural and difficult to express concretely. 🙂