Advice Needed: Female Orgasm
Hello all!
I am an early twenties female, married for about a year. Some additionally context is I have some mild health issues/fatigue so I experience reduced physical arousal but very mentally interested/theoretically sexually adventurous. While my husband does a *great job* and is very sensitive to my needs, I am having some issues with orgasms on my end:
- I find having enough energy to orgasm difficult. I have full body muscular/core engagement (almost clenching) and shaking when building up to orgasm, and if it takes awhile for everything to build and I have to be in that in the intermediate stage (muscles shaking/contracting but no orgasm), it can be exhausting to the point I need him to quit before getting there. I have capabilities for multiples with him using faster methods (e.g. shower head, sometimes oral), but it can be exhausting to try to get there generally so any advice is welcome.
- I haven’t been able to feel a lot when he goes inside me. It’s gently pleasant, but want to increase the ability to develop vaginal orgasm or at least pleasure (I know less common but any tips to develop that would be super helpful). We have successfully done g spot with his hands once.
Also since we are newly married, any tips you wish you’d know are welcome!
SecretlySpicy:
I would suggest getting the book "The Act of Marriage" by Tim and Beverly LaHaye and reading it with your husband. It explains the female orgasm in detail and how your husband can bring you to orgasm with stimulation of your clitoris, along with other detailed information.
We read that book together before we got married and we highly recommend it.
Hi! We did read this one when we first got married, so he has been using clitoral stimulation, but we can revisit the book for sure, thank you!
Early on in our marriage my wife had vaginal orgasms during intercourse after extended foreplay. After a few years her neurological problems & my early onset arthritis in my hands became a problem so we tried a vibrator and that was a game-changer for us.
We even found sex positions where we could still use the vibrator on her clitoris. I also really enjoy the vibrations through her vaginal walls.
We still enjoy foreplay with or without a vibrator – but we usually start without a vibe but soon she or I apply one to her clit. We have built quite a collection over the years. We always bring at least one or a couple of bullet vibes when we travel. (Don’t leave home without ‘em!)
By the way, she’ll often start with a wand vibe or a bunny-shaped clit stimulator during foreplay. Then she’ll move on to the VedoGee and she will cum with that one OR with her Sensuelle + before or during or after sexual intercourse.
We have a small Vedo Gee G spot vibrator that I sometimes insert fully into my wife’s pussy. Then she’ll use an ivibe or Sensuelle + … on her clitoris as I love on her nipples.
More often she uses a bullet vibe on her clitoris as I love on her nips. She’ll sometimes cum during foreplay, during intercourse (still buzzing with her vibe) or after intercourse as I love on her nipples orally n manually.
Before the vibrators her orgasms sometimes took 1-2 hours to hapoen. Now it’s usually faster but we still make love for 1-2 hours if you count the foreplay. In a lovemaking session she almost always has 1-3 orgasms. Often her second orgasm cums within minutes of the first one.
To us vibrators have been a great blessing and there is no shame in using one (or two). We even have bigger vibes we can insert into my Melody’s pussy but we don’t travel with those.
So my advice is to talk to your husband and discuss the introduction of a vibrator… or two. Then have some sexy fun figuring out how to incorporate a vibe or vibes into your sex/lovemaking sessions.
I hope this was helpful.
Hi!
Thank you for your comment/advice!
We have talked about it and have a small bullet vibe but haven’t gone into it a ton yet. Mostly the concern for us is worry about someone finding them down the line.
SecretlySpicy, you should not have to worry about someone finding them.
What are you worried about? Be positive.
Have an answer prepared for anyone who asks.
I remember seeing a video of Pastor Michael Smith and his wife Connie "How To Masturbate Like a Christian". In it he mentioned a story of a woman going to her mothers place pick up something from her bedroom, mother was in hospital, in a draw she found her mother had a vibrator. She (the daughter) said finding the vibrator was the best sex lesson she received.
I also read "The Act of Marriage" by Tim and Beverly LaHaye .. about 47 yrs ago! Fortunately, nothing has changed in making the book less valuable for those starting in a marriage relationship.
As far as awakening your orgasm potential, I would suggest a variety of different types of toys, & engaging your husband in helping you to learn to orgasm. I truly believe orgasms are a learned response, and experimentation in a loving & caring relationship with allow this to develop. A Hitachi magic wand is a basic tool, having a variety of attachments to provide stimulation, both internally & externally. Some experimentation will be necessary to determine what stimulation works best for you. The Lelo Sona Cruise provides a very different type of stimulation that produces fast results.
“Orgasms are a learned response” thank you for the reminder, that’s very helpful!
This may be something you’ve tried, but don’t stress about it. Just let it come without psyching yourself out about it. Have you tried being on top and controlling how your clit is being stimulated?
That’s how my wife was about to cum consistently, that and me going down on her.
Good luck and relax. Oh, and try longer stimulation of you clit of g-spot.
Yeah that does help, but we don’t always thing about that position! And yeah we have noticed that not stressing about it does seem to help. Thank you!
Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to read LLL’s articles and follow her journey of self-discovery.
Okay, thanks!
I wonder if you are taking oral contraceptives for birth control. There are many different hormone configurations in many different brands of pills. You might discuss this with your doctor as sometimes certain hormones and hormone levels can really mess with your sexual response and ability to have orgasms. A switch in pills (if this is the problem) may fix the problem.
I’m not currently taking oral contraceptives because I’ve heard horror stories, but super helpful reminder if there are other women with similar issues reading this!
Also, you may need your thyroid levels checked as I note you mentioned fatigue. I take meds for thyroid and this was one of my issues before it was corrected.
Yep we are in the process of bloodwork, thank you!
I immediately zeroed in on the health issues, because from personal experience I know that that can interfere with so much of our daily life. Are you getting any medical advice/treatment? I personally encourage you to go a more natural route. I have had issues for years with my cycles and I only got some answers when I went to a doctor that works for an organization that teaches Fertility Awareness-Based Methods and restorative reproductive medicine. All the regular doctors just tried to give me band-aid drugs, but this doc did extensive blood-work and found several issues that I would never have known about (and which has nothing to do with my fertility but which were affecting my cycles). Check out Natural Womanhood and FEMM (Fertility Education and Medical Management). Lastly, I would say that achieving orgasm is not necessarily the goal. Yes, we all want to experience it, but the pressure can ruin the performance. I've read so many of the couples' comments and stories saying that very thing. Enjoy the moment and bask in whatever your body is feeling. Definitely try toys. I got a vibrator and love it, though, oddly enough, I only use it like a dildo and never turn it on. By drawing out the warm-up time and getting VERY wet and relaxed, I have reached a point of greater sensation in my vagina. I don't know if that's just my body "waking up" or a supernatural gift from God, but penetration feels good to me now. It didn't use to. I could feel nothing. But I kept trying. I'll be praying for your journey!
Yes I am in the process of bloodwork right now to figure out what’s going on. Thank you for the women’s health/cycle/fertility resources, we can check them out. We have tried to have me focus on the experience vs getting there which does help quite a bit, but need to keep focusing on that.
And that’s helpful to know that more warm up can increase vaginal sensation, that’s encouraging, thank you!
There's lots of good advice here already! Way to go MH community for stepping up! I do have a couple ideas to add though.
It sounds like you're already pursuing some medical help for the fatigue issues, which is good, because it sounds to me that you feel like it's a big contributor to your issues. That's totally understandable, if it feels like your body sometimes doesn't have the energy to orgasm!
I'll also echo what LLL said about finding alternative treatments. If you end up having trouble getting answers or finding lasting and satisfactory solutions, try looking for a doctor in your area who is trained in holistic, integrative and/or functional medicine. As LLL described, doctors like that are more likely to go beyond temporary symptom suppression and seek to address root causes that other doctors might not know to look for. They'll also usually have a wider array of both pharmaceutical and natural treatment options rather than just one or the other. You may be able to tell I have a little experience with this as well, haha! Modern, mainstream healthcare systems are great for some things, but not for healing chronic issues or promoting holistic health.
As for your second question, maybe look up and try out some sex positions that offer better G-spot stimulation. That might make vaginal intercourse more pleasurable, since it sounds like you've already had some success with G-spot stimulation. ChristianFriendlySexPositions.com might be a good place to start! (They're called "Christian Friendly" not because there are "non-Christian" sex positions, but simply because their illustrations aren't pornographic like many sites.) Scroll a little over halfway down their home page and you'll see a category for positions with G-spot stimulation. I doubt those positions have actually been tested for how well they stimulate the G-spot, beyond individual anecdotes, so certain ones might not work for you. But you can keep experimenting until you find some that work, and hopefully have a lot of fun in the process! 😉
I pray that God would help you and your husband overcome these issues together and grow into amazing, mutual pleasure and intimacy!
Yep, I’m working with a holistic practitioner to figure everything out on that end.
I’ve never heard of that website before, super helpful! Thanks!
Great! It sounds like you're on a really good track already. Just being engaged and intentional like you are is a huge first step, which makes you way more likely to resolve these issues. Keep it up!
I hope our little tips give you an extra push to accelerate your improvement, and help you enjoy God's amazing gift of sexuality more!
He must tease all around your opening with the head of his cock before entering you. Even when he first enters, he should only go a little ways in and then pull out. He needs to tease you until you can't stand it, then he can enter you fully, and he should stay all the way in and at that point and grind more than then thrust.
Very simple method that works well on the woman.
My advice is: touch yourself and work out what clit stimulation you like, how, what makes you horny, what makes you sensitive so much so you twitch. Don’t use lubricant let your natural juices flow. Then show your husband how you like it, get him to watch you get yourself off. (Believe me it’s hot) he won’t be able to resist. Invite him in to participate wear no undies and and tell him. That will get him thinking when to pounce.
Invest in a good quality cock ring, we vibe or other clit stimulating device. I recommend the Bellesa AirVibe Pro comes with a remote so he can be in control. It can be worn during sex if you get that far lol. Can be used in public to keep things hot and sexy, can get you off in seconds so start mild. Best toy in my draw. It will get your libido racing and will get your husbands mind on only one thing……getting you off. Think outside the box with this toy create some fun with it. You. Will go weak at the knees with the new way he desires you and the rest will cum.