Bless the Lonely Man
I was reading an article today about what men want sexually. It described how they don’t often voice their desires because they fear women’s reactions. From the writer’s tone, I don’t think he was a Christian. Still, a lot of what he said seemed true. He explained that men think about and want sex most if not all the time. He said because of morals and societal standards, they have to rein in those urges most of the time.
Also, they can feel very insecure about their ability to please their woman. It’s worse when the woman is selfish and expects the man to do all the work. And they have the same desire women have to be wanted, to be lusted after, to be admired and objectified—not in a bad way, but seen as physically desirable. The author added if you recognize the value of the person, then sexual objectification can be a good thing.
Realizing that most men are suppressing these desires and not receiving loving desire and admiration broke my heart! I assume it’s my tender womanly instinct. But it made me just want to pour out love and care and reverence on the man I marry. If it’s God’s plan that I ever become a wife, I am going to relish pleasing and blessing him. I already dream about just looking at him, taking in his manly features, drooling over his muscles. I imagine feeling my pelvis clench with the urge to touch him and kiss him. Just wanting him in general is a turn on.
But I’d go further. This article’s writer said that men want blowjobs. It’s often not because they just want release. Rather, they want to feel wanted and reverenced by their woman. So, I intend to do just that. I’m going to have so much fun catching him off guard. In the car, in the kitchen, or busy with some odd job, he will find me fondling him, teasing, then pulling his pants down and eating up his cock. Oh boy, writing this is making me hot and antsy. I can’t understand why wives don’t want to do this. We ladies GET to be “naughty” and sexy for the men we marry! Take advantage of it!
The author said men want their wives to be sluts, but only for them. He was saying that in the marriage context, being a slut is a good thing. It’s not about being loose or inappropriate or having sex with other men. It’s about unleashing the sensual creature in us for our mutual enjoyment And letting our men know that they bring us pleasure. It helps reassure them that they’re satisfying us and doing a good job as a lover.
I picture flaunting my body to my future husband and giving him sultry looks. I think about teasingly touching him and giving him the pampering men don’t always get. It’s so deliciously inviting. I literally can’t wait. I want my man to know he will never have to hide his needs again nor live with a lonely, uncertain state of mind that forbids showing emotion or voicing his desires and fantasies. He will know that he’s attractive and handsome and alluring because I will tell him so. There will be no doubt that I admire and thirst for every part of his body. He’ll know I want his hands on me, too. I’ll make certain he knows I like to look at him, touch him, and make love to him. How? Because I’ll be doing all three. And more!
Society seems to focus on what men can do for women, and that’s fine. We’re certainly complex creatures with weird needs and crazy hormones. But men can’t get left in the cold. I don’t want them to be. If God calls me to marriage, my husband will not be one of these lonely men. I’m going to bless him and make him go crazy with pleasure. Oh Lord, bring him my way!
It sounds like I'd agree with this article! A lot has been written about men wanting more sex but very little on WHY or what it actually does for them or makes them feel. There is sooooo much more that both sexes have to learn about communicating with each other and I wish that men & women had more empathy, grace, what have you. I'm not sure that the borderline neurotic view of sex that the Church has perpetuated over the centuries has helped, but we can always work toward a better future. And definitely champion attitudes of Mutuality–don't leave your spouse behind!
The church's view of sex has harmed so many people and marriages, but I'm praying that there will be a breaking away from that. I even think about starting a class to teach basic knowledge to girls/young women and implant in them a positive and excited view of sexuality and womanhood. Not sure how to put that together, but I'm praying about it.
I so hope the Lord allows you to do that. I know that being lonely is a struggle in some ways, but you have used your time to learn and grow.
Lord willing, you could use God’s teachings, your own personal experiences, and wisdom from other sex positive ladies to meaningfully impact the lives of other young women.
I don’t want to wear out my posting welcome, but I had a marvelous idea.
Ideally, you could teach a class that was sponsored/approved by your church.
But what really got me excited was the thought of you writing a book. It would take a lot of work, and the Lord would have to bless and approve it, but I think it would meet a very real need.
Of course, you may have already thought of this, and it may be something you’re already praying about. This is just my two cents.
LovelyLonelyLady, what I suggest you do is train to be a sex educator – I follow a few on youtube. Lika has complied a few playlists on you tube. If you can become known as a Christian sex educator, it will open doors for you to teach in churches and youth groups etc.
And I wrote https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/ with the intention of it being a teaching resource for a positive, Christian sexuality.
LLL, it's such a great goal to teach about sexuality! Just in the last few days I was thinking about the incredible beauty and theological significance of marriage and sex, and a very similar thought crossed my mind, urging me to teach about this at some point! I have a passion for sharing what I've learned with others, about marriage, sex and other things too!
I don't by any means claim to have a perfect understanding of sexuality, either in its physical anatomy and function, or in its spiritual significance. But I can recognize that by God's grace, I've been blessed with an understanding that is much closer to the biblical ideal than even many other Christians have, let alone non-Christians. I've been given this blessing to steward, and I want to make more out of it by sending it on to others!
It's great to hear there are others like you who share the interest to teach, because it's seriously needed, both inside and outside the church! It seems like for way too many people, God's intended design for intimacy and pleasure in marriage is twisted by either a secular rejection of that design, or an anti-biblical religious suppression of that design, and so very few people see and embrace the stunning beauty and deep meaning of marriage and sex. But I've heard it said that every problem is an opportunity, and I tend to agree! This major problem is a major opportunity for people like us to step up and lead Christians into a greater understanding of God's design, and greater joy, pleasure and intimacy with their spouses!
It would certainly help if churches would embrace healthier teaching about sexuality. But we could be some of the people who help them do that! Of course, by far, the church's most important mission is to preach about Christ, not sex! But at the same time, churches can't afford to ignore the topic of sex, because it is one of the most powerful human desires, and it must be harnessed for good, not for evil!
I also want to say it's not all dull and dark in the church when it comes to teachings about sex. There are some bright spots! It's a topic that doesn't come up often at my church, since again, churches are meant primarily to teach about Christ, not sex. But when it does come up in preaching, I'm very grateful that our lead pastor is by no means shy about expressing the goodness of sexuality within marriage! We even did a brief study on Song of Solomon at one point, and while he kept it PG, he had no qualms about saying it was clearly a celebration of married sex, even with younger kids in the audience! Now that I think about it, I'm also impressed with some of the parents for bringing kids in their early teens and even younger, even though they knew the topic ahead of time. There's hope for healthier mindsets about sex in the church! Let's help push it in that direction!
I pray God would equip and empower you, LLL, and everyone else who seeks to teach a healthier and more biblical understanding of sexuality!
My gosh, you all have great ideas! Honestly I think a book is a great first step, then teaching seminars, becoming a full-on sex-educator? Getting a degree in sex therapy someday? :O Inheriting the mantle from Clifford & Joyce Penner? We're all busily planning your future… 😀
KingdomMan, what a great idea! Since I AM an author, I would enjoy it. And I could do it under a pseudonym if I wasn't ready to connect my real name to a project of such controversy. I will pray about it. Thank you!
To Faith-Manages, Sarah k, and Patient Passion…I'm feeling some big hints here! 🤪 But I so heartily agree. I will be praying that God clearly leads me and opens the right doors. This is a needed ministry, and so many singles and couples could be experiencing greater and purer freedom in their sexuality if they understood God's design and intent better. I just want to be solid in my views and prepared to present them. Broaching this to some family members might be awkward, but if it's something I'm supposed to do, I will. Please pray that my path will be clear! Thank you all for your encouragement!
LLL, the woman who teaches the class "God's Design for Sex" at CLI, Ruth Buezis, did just this for young women in Africa. You might start by taking that class for inspiration. It's available free thanks to generous donations. There's a link on the Recommended Resources page.
Thank you, MH! I'm going to enroll ASAP. Actually this suggestion was an answer to prayer, because I've been in a sort of limbo state lately and my prayer was that God would show me what He wants me doing currently. This will be a step towards maybe writing my own book and teaching the stuff I've learned. Wow, He sure does open doors at the right time!
Glad to help!
LLL you should also check out the course "To Know & Be Known" from discipledojo.org (I think I've mentioned it before to someone here). It's a good Biblical and historical grounding of sexual ethic, not that I agree with everything the guy says, but I certainly appreciate his perspective.
Hi LLL,
I think you have read a very insightful article. I think I agree on every single point.
I know I can’t actually speak for most marriages, but drawing from my own experience and conversations I’ve had with other men over the years, sex is often used as a weapon, a reward, a bargaining chip, or a tool to manipulate a situation. This is detrimental in every way.
I know there are ladies on here, yourself included, who see sex differently, but for the vast majority of wives, sex is a chore at best and something else at worst.
I applaud you for the way you’ve poured yourself into exploring God honoring sexuality. I pray for your husband, and I can’t wait to read the stories you write once you’re married.
I pray you get exactly what you’re looking for, and I pray that he’s as good a man as you dream about.
All my best,
KM
Thank you so much for that! I know the Lord is receiving all your prayers and planning how to answer them. Yes, the way women have used sex to lord over men is so wrong. I will never do that, God helping me.
Your husband is going to be so blessed! I pray that you two will be led to each other soon.
In our church we talk about bridling or controlling our passions. I want to say also that reining in our desires and bridling our passions is part of God’s plan. A bridle on a horse guides the powerful animal but does not kill it. In like manner when we bridle our powerful sexual passions we direct them towards our own spouse. Then with our spouse our passions should be released in power and great pleasure and of course God-given joy.
So I agree with you that spouses should reverence each other and part of that reverence is kindness and part of it should be a passionate shared sex life.
I also will say that everyone is different. My wife is not a big fan or fellatio, but because I am she and I negotiated this and she gives me amazing oral on holidays, my birthday, on our anniversary, and yes, on Father’s Day.
She has also developed amazing skills and techniques so “Wow!” every time!
Yes I’d like oral more often but how things are has made fellatio a special sexual treat. I’m good with that.
Because my libido is sky high n my Melody’s libido is more “normal” we used to quarrel about sex frequency. Then we set up a sex schedule. For a long time full sexual intercourse was every other day but about a year ago we switched it to every 3 days… then recently to every 3-4 days. This has worked well for us.
Of course health concerns etc. can affect the schedule. We are flexible about it. And at times Melody will surprise me with an off-schedule lovemaking session!
Also, on most off days my wife will help me have an orgasm. We call this “fixing my problem.”
When we were both still working n raising our children life could get hectic and we’d go a week or so without sex. Then Melody would take me by the hand and walk me down the hall to our bedroom and she’d say, “Let’s go pretend we are married!”
Again, I pray for you n your Mr. Wonderful to find each other soon. Or maybe you already know each other n the relationship will develop into a romantic one. Remember that my Melody found me in her early 40s. I was a divorced single dad and she gave me a chance… and our marriage has been and IS glorious!
Your insights always bless me. I love how you see sex as something to glorify God by blessing and honoring your spouse. I intend to do that if God brings me a man. So far, there is no one yet, but I know if he exists, he will arrive at the right time. I am always moved knowing that you and many others here pray for me and my future husband. If I have a lovely marriage someday, it will be in part because Godly people prayed for me. I pray for you and others who have voiced needs or struggles on here. This community is a Godsend.
I think a lot of what the article said is true. Not all, but most married men go without fullfilling sex lives. Many wives participate just enough the husband doesn't leave. Men want a wife that is enthusiastic about sex and wants to have a good sex life.They want someone that initiates sex some and accepts pleasure from their husband too. Men love to give pleasure if the wife will accept it.
I always wanted my wife to come home from work and let me lay her down, take off her clothes and give her oral sex just for her. Maybe a foot massage first, then oral. I asked my wife about it and we never did it one time, not once. I wasn't asking for her to do me, just for her.
I think something like that is fairly typical. Or, the wife will make promises she never keeps.
That is one of the reasons why when I was involved in pre-marriage instruction I was very insistent the bride to be was masturbating herself (him wanking himself too). Because being married includes a commitment to a sexual relationship and libido does not switch on with the, "I do", the bride to be has to build up to being sexual, for that, she needs guidance from an older, experienced woman.
That's so sad. I intend to be the wife that every man wants. Will it be hard at times? Yes. Will I need the Lord's empowerment? Yes! But I already have made the decision.
Sarah K, I would definitely want you as a premarital counselor! I think that my pastor holds similar views (my married [sister?] told me a bit about how it went when she and her husband got premarital counseling from him), so that encourages me.
I think men thinking about sex all or most of the time is an exaggeration.
I have seen how men can concentrate on something the like and they'll go for hours without a sexual thought.
I have a lot of respect for your insights, thoughts, and opinions, but from a purely male perspective, you’re wrong on this one. 😉
I think this difference of perspective brings up an interesting point. From my own experience, I can tell you that both are true at different times!
As a guy, there are times when I do think about sex very frequently; dozens of times in a day, maybe a hundred plus on really horny days! (I don't know for sure. It's hard to measure what counts as a sexual thought, and where one ends and another begins, so we can't get too scientific about this, haha!)
But there are other times when I don't think about it nearly as often! For example, as Sarah K mentioned, when I'm focused on something else that's interesting or important, it can hold my attention and thoughts of sex are pushed to the background. It also depends a lot on how horny I am, which is something that many factors contribute to.
I think my wife CAN view sex as a chore at first. But she soon gets into the experience when we start. Other times she’s wired from the beginning of the sex session. She’ll greet me in sexy lingerie and start twerking etc. This kind of thing where the wife or husband is sometimes anxious for sex n at other times view sex as an obligation… I suspect that this may be fairly common.
Illness can slow either of us down but after a few days off we will always want to go for it… and we do -even when under the weather.
As I said before, since we do have some desire discrepancy my wife helps me orgasm every day that we are not planning on having full sexual intercourse. By the third or fourth day her body is usually ready for full bedroom fun. If her brain isn’t fully in the mood her body can change her brain’s mind – when I start loving on her beautiful body.
In marriage we can be riled up sexually for a massive epic sex / lovemaking session. Other times it’s often just very nice n satisfying.
Setting a sex schedule ended our quarrels over sex frequency. My wife agreeing to “fix my problem” daily on off days helped too. It’s always nice when she greets me in her lingerie and her twerking dance. But I don’t expect that every time we have a full sex session.
I feel bad for sexless married couples – especially if they DO (as was said before in one of the comments) … especially if they DO still have the physical ability to have sex.
We know that desire discrepancy can really cause conflict in a marriage. For us marriage/sex therapy really helped us to resolve our issues and come together emotionally, spiritually, and of course cum together sexually, (if you get my drift!)
So, she helps you on the no sex days everyday? I was curious how old you are. At my age, I think about sex daily, but only really want it maybe every other day, which is too much for my wife. She doesn't want to "help" me every other day either, but is ok with every three days or so.
LLL, I certainly applaud your attitude! But I think it can be too easy to turn desire discrepancy into a blame game: that someone has to be at fault because they are "holding out". Or on the other side that they are excessively demanding. Having spent many years in that situation, I've learned it's just not helpful. Sure, at times a spouse can be clearly stubborn and unreasonable. But the fact is that we are all different.
This may be somewhat controversial but I think Christians can be especially prone to this blame game. Sex can be easily presented as "God's plan for us" and if it's not working as we want, we blame our spouse for not getting with "God's plan". And by waiting until marriage, unrealistic expectations can be built up and we get angry at our spouse for not fulfilling them. I sometimes find secular resources to be more realistic here, by focusing on sex as a constant learning journey for both partners without putting it up on a pedestal as a magical destination we can just reach if both spouses work hard enough.
In my view, men do think about sex all the time. 🙂 But that doesn't mean wives are obligated to respond in kind. It's taken me many years to get to that attitude.
Wow…you really will be a blessing to your man. 🙂 You just declared everything that I hope my own future bride would be like, if I ever find her. It's funny how crazy the church is these days, particularly as regards sex…as if it were some dirty secret everyone is ashamed of. I think it's beautiful! The Song of Solomon is in the Bible for a reason, for crying out loud. Nothing would make me more excited than to know I had a woman who felt the way you described about sex and love…what a wonderful dream that would be.
I'm with you! Who wouldn't want that? Which is why I can't understand (well, I do, kind of) these women that hold back and look at sex so negatively. Obviously everyone's background is different, as are the things that influenced them, but still, I would at least try to work towards being the sexiest, most selfless loving wife I could possibly be!
I've never demanded blow jobs and can't really say I've wanted them. My wife is usually very horny and I love her juicy wet pussy. I'll devour her tasty one any day of the week.
If men are having trouble feeling desired, it's probably because they don't shower enough and make sex enjoyable for their mates. I've never been with a woman who didn't want to do it.
"I was reading an article today about what men want sexually. It described how they don’t often voice their desires because they fear women’s reactions."
1000% right, IMO. When I found Kate, I found someone I really loved and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Yet, I have always been an animal, sexually, but never much ashamed of it and quite embracing of it. My guy friends that I would open up to always busted my chops about some of my kinks or fantasies.
At the beginning of our marriage Kate was 4'8" and 94 pounds, although she has gained about 10 pounds she complains about, but I don't even give a thought to, aside from hearing her complaints. She was a delicate little Philippine flower. It was all she could do to accommodate my cock into her tight pussy, so how could I even have a conversation about desiring the depths of her gorgeous round bum? What would she think? I suppressed so much and tried to take solace in our life together, which was hardly insignificant, but the truth is I couldn't get my dirty desires out of my mind.
"The author said men want their wives to be sluts, but only for them. He was saying that in the marriage context, being a slut is a good thing."
1,000,000% true again, IMO. I have tried to get Kate to embrace the dirtiest imaginable desires for us and obliterate any micron of shame or holding back. She has taken baby steps and I can only hope it'll continue to grow. I would love to take the kink and dirty talk into the stratosphere. There's really nothing off the table, from my vantage point.
LLL,
Once again, you have sparked an insightful discussion.
My first wife used the withholding of sex as a weapon.
And, even when we did it, she often would just lie there and not say anything. Once, afterwards, I asked her if she had enjoyed it. She snarled, "Well, I'm not complaining — am I?" Ugh!
But, to get more to the point of your original questions about why men don't communicate their needs, the root cause goes waaaaaaay back to childhood. Think about it. When a little girl cries, the whole world stops turning, everyone pays attention to her, and they do everything that they can to fix the situation. BUT, when a little boy cries, parents will often ignore him, or they say, "Shut up! Big boys don't cry!" So, we are told from the beginning to hold our emotions in.
Now, apply that to a marriage in which the wife uses sex as a weapon. The husband tries to communicate his needs. The wife says that he is "over-sexed" and changes the topic. Later, in the heat of a sexual moment, she hints that she "might" do the thing that he had asked for. But then, she doesn't. Set up, tear down. After a few rounds of that, the husband learns to keep quiet about his needs.
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Glory to God, I'm not in that bad place anymore. But, that's what it felt like when I was.