Help – Relationship Baggage
I met my wife when we were young kids in high school. Despite interest in other people, I fell for her instantly. We had a whirlwind romance over the summer, and then I went off to the army. I came home at Christmas and it seemed amazing, but quickly went south. She broke up with me, stating it was too long distance. However, it was actually due to another guy who was the “cool surfer dude.” She even called me by his name twice while breaking up. (He was Ken, I’m Kevin.)
I was only going to be away for a year and a half at that point, and she stayed innocent for most of that time, then out of nowhere she went crazy, having sex with him in her catholic school uniform in the middle of the day in his parents’ bed. He laughed and was rude to her. That ended quick because he got what he wanted. She then went crazy and had sex with three more guys in three months, and then I returned home and we got back together. She had been so innocent in my eyes, and the was tainted in just a few short months. I only learned later that she never used protection and got HPV and cervical cancer. She’s okay now, but jeopardized the health of our children.
Many years later she was Googling these guys too. She swears it was nothing, but I can’t get over it. Our love life is not great, despite her obvious past affection for sex. What do I do?
Marriage counseling n individual therapy is the best thing you should do. That’s my opinion. Find a sex-positive therapist or therapists with Christian values.
As far as your wife’s past – remember that Jesus said to forgive. He knew that we would sin. That is why He suffered and died. He paid the eternal price for our sins so we could repent. Change and the reality of repentance leads to complete forgiveness is the main message He wants us to learn here in mortality.
Don’t dwell on past sins -hers or yours. Remember that being unforgiving is a sin in God’s eyes. We all need repentance and being unforgiving is burning the bridge of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And we need that bridge too!
If you both are committed to your marriage then individual therapy and marriage/sex therapy can make a big difference. I’d also recommend individual and couple’s prayer.
To begin with you probably will not get any real concrete answers to your questions, asking advice of people you really don't know.
But first and foremost communication is the key that unlocks any steps forward. The question is whether there will be any steps forward or if it's even possible. Because if each of you are not completely committed to resolve these situations there won't be any change.
It's kind of like accepting the grace of God but not willing to commit your ways to it.
As you said you started dating young, and then after marriage joining the army. ( And thank you very much for your service to the country and to freedom ).
Like young flowers young marriages are fragile, and as you found out it could cause us to make bad decisions in order to fulfill our needs.
So to begin with you need to find out if she really knows herself and knows that she is going to be able to commit.
Along with that you have to decide whether or not you would ever be able to trust her again. The fact is any moment that you're away from her you will be wondering what it is that she's up to. On top of the fact that you more than likely will be checking her phone and any other things that you can find out to see if she's actually cheating on you or not. These are all truths that do happen after infidelity. And we speak from an experience.
When we choose to become followers of Jesus. That means we are committing our ways onto the Lord, of our own free will. Meaning that we're choosing to forsake those things which woo us.
God never forced us to believe in him and he doesn't Force us to follow . He allows us to freedom to do so willingly. The fact is this is our supreme example.
The mercy of God towards us despite her continued faltering.
When the penalty was paid upon the cross and the three days before the Resurrection it wasn't just for all sins committed before his incarnation. But it was for all sins throughout all time. that means every sin that we are guilty of past present and future were paid for. It's recognizing this love and this offering of Grace that should compel us to change.
When it comes to two human beings this is the model that we are to follow. However the sinner who chooses to continue sinning is doing so on his or her own accord.
In the case of you and your wife she's the one that has to make the choice to accept any love and forgiveness that you may have. It doesn't mean that you need to be some kind of stooge willing to take any kind of abuse that she will dole out to you. It means that you need to adopt the same thoughts and attitudes as God does towards us.
This isn't for everybody because most will stumble and give up.
And when we do give up on someone there's forgiveness for that as well. The fact is we are all sinners and guilty of hell. However, there is an extended hand reaching out to us telling us that we don't have to go there if we don't choose to.
Your wife has to decide this. Does she love you enough that she is willing to change her ways to continue a life together with you? And you need to choose this, are you going to be able forgive and overlook past transgressions that she's committed or will it drive you insane wondering what it is she's going to do next?
As I said opening is comment the first and foremost thing to do is communicate openly and honestly to find out where each of you stands and whether the two of you are going to be able to abide by these things.
Even if she said she wants to change and you continue with distrust and suspicion that may cause her to have had enough feeling this is no way to live for her.
We wholeheartedly agree with the other comments that say seek out professional counsel. Someone who can get to hear each of your stories and to understand each of your ways and be able to help you sort out your feelings thoughts and desires.
What you will get here are believers who will both pray for your wisdom and your clear view of Grace.
As was set before here. We speak from a voice of experience. We have experienced infidelity in our marriage. And all these years later we have made it through made the adjustments and are more in love and have a better sex life than we have ever had.
🔥❤️L.& M.❤️🔥
Treat her as you would want to be treated. I take that to put yourself in her shoes. What if you were the one who had done, or is doing, these things?
Scripture is full of instruction of how to relate to others in your life. If your wife is acting like your enemy, love your enemy, & do good to her.
How has Jesus been to you? While we were still sinners, He died for us. He didn't wait for us to clean ourselves up to do this.
You chose to marry her, knowing her past. I'm sure, at the time, you felt the two of you would be ok, come what may. Be that. Do that. Be the husband. Discuss things with her, if you can. Share your thoughts, but as her teammate not her accuser.
Change yourself. Get to know your Savior & be His student. Have faith He will do what He says. Understand our own heart deceives us. Be God's child whether or not this works out to your liking or not. Work on being blameless, by loving God at His word. Working on you before God will give her room to change, if she is going to. If not, rely on God to get you through to whatever outcome. Don't sin in your anger.
Don't ignore sin. Don't deny problems, but address things with love & gentleness. You don't want to be the person she defends herself from. You want to be the person she embraces. I try & not to address things that are not sin. Things she is free to do, in Christ, I leave her to do. You can be an influence but you can't make her change. That has to come from her.
It kinda sounds to me like she has an attitude similar to my first wife's attitude. Her toxic parents had filled her with so much of the "sex is bad" commentary that she became unable to enjoy sex that was "good" (i.e.: normal, married sex). She was unable to orgasm with me, but she would go out and fuck other guys and have a great time.
If you don't address this situation early on, via open and honest communication, and much prayer, then she could fall into a pattern that becomes unrecoverable. My first marriage lasted 16 years, but we fought during much of that time. All that said, when it was good, it was really good. It was an emotional roller-coaster that turned into a train wreck.
I'm sorry if that doesn't sound very hopeful, but I wanted to prepare you for what could happen if you don't get some serious help (i.e.: skilled pastoral counseling, etc.).
That is really sad. Confusing, too. How and why do these women who were basically taught "sex is bad" still go out and enjoy affairs with random guys? I don't understand that at all. Wouldn't all sex be bad and dirty?
This is a fate of many military service personnel. You go away and your girl finds a Jody to fill the void. I’m my 26 year of service, I’ve seen this happen a lot, and. It’s never ended well for the service members.
My experience tells me that you should move on without her.
This may sound harsh to others on this platform, but as a senior NCO I’ve counseled many of my troops to feel comfortable telling you to run, not walk away from her.
Get a good lawyer and fight to get your children.
Sarge, I have a dissenting view sir. I don't see a Biblical reason for a divorce. Kevin presumably knew of her past prior to getting married, sans the STD issue perhaps. He then forgave her and they were married. Since getting married, she has not had an affair, she was simply curious about someone from her past. Hardly grounds for a Biblical divorce IMHO.
Here's what I truly believe about Kevin's situation and I would be willing to bet you your shoes against my house. If she was currently meeting his needs sexually, he would never EVER think about the past. Why would he? He would be more Confident, feel more Respected, and feel LOVED. I believe the problem isn't the past, the problem is the present.
Thank you for your service Sarge, and I must say that I would absolutely concur with you that had she cheated, moving on would be a viable solution. All the best sir. Peace.
Similar story here Kevin. I asked her to marry me in high school and it didn't work out. We got back together in college and I found out she had "dozens of partners". She had a good heart and I had a "past" as well (although mine was boring). I still asked her again to marry me again and she said yes. Two weeks later, she disclosed that a rando stranger she met at a restaurant had proposed to her as well. She wanted to go out with him to see what she thought about him. I consented under one condition … don't sleep with him or I was out of her life permanently. She agreed and they went out. She told me nothing had happened and she let him know to move on. We've been married 36 years now. However, about 15 years into the marriage, her behavior led me to believe she wasn't forthright about "that weekend". I asked her about it and she again denied anything happened. Still later I asked again, hoping to forgive her and drop the issue, never to pick it up again. This time, she didn't deny it, she simply stated that she "couldn't remember what happened and who cares, it was so long ago". Also, about 15 yrs onto the marriage I got a bump on my genitals. It went away and has never returned, but when it happened she was mortified and thought it may have been from her. She confessed to having contracted genital warts (STD) in college. In college, she had the time of her life; now she's a prude. No BJ's, no skinny dipping, no toys, no shaving, no lights on during sex, no going into Cindies (she thinks it's sin-dies), etc. I finally realized that I can only help ME, I can't help her. I have laid her past at the feet of Christ and I never, ever pick it back up again. There' nothing I can do to change her past or future. I have also found out that she was curious about a couple of guys from her past. I was furious, but let it go assuming she was simply curious about them and nothing more.
When I read your story, you mention what she was wearing, the time of day, where it occurred, etc. Seems like you are constantly re-living the event in your head. Trust me, there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING you can do about what happened. I would make every effort to NEVER think about it again. The STD … again, nothing you can do about it. Make every attempt to Forget It! The fact that she looked up the former guys should be excused and simple human curiosity. This is an area that you can communicate with her and let her know how you feel. Also, ask how she feels about it and see if she can see your perspective. During the conversation, don't angry with her, don't raise your voice, etc. Finally, Be the Best Version of Yourself That You Can Be. Spend time focusing on your own health and physique, spend time developing relationships with other men at your church, spend time on hobbies that you enjoy, spend quality time with your kids and love on them. Often kids that can sense that "something is wrong between mom and dad" have low level anxiety issues that will be reflected in their behavior.
Love your wife as best you can, and love yourself the same. Continue to grow personally as that is all you can control. If you wish to contact me offline (iron sharpening iron) get me your email address if this is permitted.
Peace.
[From MH: Thank you for offering your counsel, but we do not facilitate the exchange of email addresses.]
To get some more background first, since the timeline isn't clear: did you know most of these things before you got married? (Aside from the HPV and cervical cancer, which you already said you found out about later.) If she hid that until after you were married, that's a big breach of trust by her. Either way, you're married and committed now, so there's no sense in second-guessing that decision, but for any single readers who run into such a situation while dating, I'd advise extreme caution if you find a potential spouse has behaved in such a way. Those are major red flags.
Back to the topic at hand. If she was promiscuous before marriage, but not very sexual with you once married, it sounds like she has some very unhealthy mindsets about sex, which is a common problem. It could be that she was excited by the taboo and sinful nature of her previous sexual experiences, and that "acceptable" sex isn't as exciting to her. That's just a problem of sin and self-centered pursuit of short-term gratification, which is a problem that virtually all people struggle with to different degrees and in different areas. Essentially it means she needs to mature in both personal character and her relationship with God. That's something you can encourage her in, but not something you can force.
It's also possible she feels guilty about her past sexual sin, and that's causing her to overcorrect and shut down sexually. Again, that's a personal growth and healing issue. She probably needs to have some spiritual guidance, some professional therapy, or both. Ideally she'd get some guidance/counsel/therapy from someone who coaches from a Christian worldview. But don't see these all as "her issues," because you'll need to walk with her through this, encourage her and show grace as she heals and grows. You need to provide a safe and nurturing environment if you want to see healing and growth in her. She may not be ready or willing to change, but you certainly won't encourage change by being accusatory and resentful, so don't allow yourself to go down that path.
If the possibility of divorce has entered your mind (either by suggestion of commenters here, or independently), I would say that ending the relationship is WAY down the list of potential solutions. Since this is a Christian site, I assume you are Christian, and biblical values indicate that divorce is an absolute last resort. It IS permissible in cases where sexual immorality (i.e. adultery) has occurred, but it sounds like all of her promiscuity occurred prior to marriage, which would make it highly questionable whether that allowance of divorce applies.
As for her looking up these guys, that's definitely unhealthy, but doesn't necessarily mean it's a major problem. It's much more likely an unhealthy curiosity rather than a desire or intent to cheat. But even if it's not a worst-case scenario, you should tell her how you feel about it. I'm guessing it's something along the lines of, "When you look for these guys who you had unhealthy and sinful relationships with, it makes me feel like you are unsatisfied with me and want them instead. That's not okay when we're committed to each other in marriage." Hopefully she understands and respects that, and stops the unhealthy behavior of looking up these guys. She may only be curious, but she MUST recognize that nothing good can come from that curiosity. And if she doesn't honor and follow your very reasonable request to not look up these guys, that just shows there's another layer of change she has to go through, namely maturing past selfishness and learning to "in humility count others" (especially her husband) "as more important than [herself]." (Philippians 2:3, ESV)
Thanks for reaching out. I hope something in here helps. I pray for her healing and growth, and that God would redeem her past and your marriage together and make it a beautiful thing.