A Bit of a Story – Looking for Answers
My wife and I have been married for 27 years. In those 27 years, we have faced many challenges—ups and downs, tragedies and celebrations.
There was a time when we looked at each other with love, kindness, and passion. But recently, all of that has changed. For many years, I myself have allowed my wife to put anything and everything that was important to her before me, with my support. I am now starting to see the effect that has had on our marriage, because as we stand on the brink of being empty-nesters, I do not know my wife, and she does not know me.
This is compounded due to the fact that she has had a lack of desire for sex for the past five years. If we do have sex, it is her way or no way, and most of the time I do not orgasm because she is rushing it and just wants to get it over with.
We have talked about this multiple times, and honestly nothing seems to change. The only change that seems to happen is when we talk, something else comes up, and I get cut a little deeper each and every time. This past talk that we had did not go very well, and I was informed that she is always angry with me on the inside, and doesn’t want me to touch her because it just makes her mad.
I am at a loss. I do not know how to feel, respond, or act anymore. And I’ll be honest, I just realized that I have not worn my wedding ring in two weeks.
I know God can fix this pain. I know God can fix this issue, but right now, I just cannot see past the pain and the hurt that I’m experiencing, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Any thoughts or ideas are greatly appreciated, and I’m sorry if it sounded like I was rambling.
I’m so sorry for your situation. I believe the only thing that can help here is professional counseling. I don’t know if you’ve tried that or brought that up, but you both need to be guided into your deeper issues by someone with experience in helping troubled marriages.
I will pray for you, that God will touch each of your hearts, and that you both will come through this together.
My advice might seem a bit harsh, but it is more reality. I am sure that the way out of the situation is the same as the entrance. If you follow the description of the problem, you will notice that the issue of solving sexual satisfaction only intensifies the already tense relationship. Therefore, I advise you to roll back: do not put pressure on your wife with this. How to tell her – darling, this irritates you? Okay, I will remove it. Maybe my presence irritates you? Okay, I can not be nearby (and find a place to live for a while). You need to give her the freedom to experience what she wants. Give it with love, without slamming the door, but also without hanging your head as if you were guilty of something.
First, welcome to this site! You will at the very least find community and care here, as I certainly have.
From what you've related, your situation sounds similar in many ways to that of my parents, though I know there is a lot more to their story that I'm not aware of. These situations break my heart. I don't know the answer. Counseling and therapy should definitely happen, and if one spouse is not willing to do that, then I'd say there could be grounds for divorce. A spouse who emotionally abandons the marriage has broken their vows. I believe Scripture teaches that. Of course, I do not want it to get to that stage for you. I can only advise you (being the inexperienced single woman that I am) to get counseling for both of you. There's evidently deeply-buried stuff that has to be tackled. I pray God directs you and brings you into a transformed place with your wife.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but I hope you know you're not alone. Relationships growing distant is a common issue. Lots of people deal with it, but happily, lots of people have come through it and made their relationships amazing again, so there's DEFINITELY hope for you and your wife!
First, I want to highlight something you said: "For many years, I myself have allowed my wife to put anything and everything that was important to her before me, with my support. I am now starting to see the effect that has had on our marriage…"
I'm glad you recognize this issue. I want to highlight it so that others recognize it as well. For EVERY married person, your spouse must be the most important person in your life. You have to put them first, no matter what. Your spouse is a higher priority than family, church, friends, or any social or professional club. Your spouse is a higher priority than even children and work. God and God alone is a higher priority than your spouse. If God is any lower than Number 1 on your priority list, something is wrong. And if your spouse is any lower than Number 2 on your priority list, something is wrong. When either of those are out of order, it eventually leads to issues like the author describes here. So everyone, please recognize that, and keep your Number 1 and 2 priorities in order so you can avoid problems like this!
I think the disconnection in your relationship ("I do not know my wife, and she does not know me") and her resistance toward sex are not separate issues. I suspect they're closely connected. I've heard it said that women want emotional connection before they can feel sexual connection, and men tend to want sexual connection in order to feel better emotional connection. This is a broad generalization that not everyone fits into (and one that I personally don't fit into—I'm a man who finds sexual connection to be empty if is not preceded by emotional connection). However, I do think it's accurate as a general rule. Because of that, I suspect the lack of personal, emotional connection in your marriage, caused by both of you neglecting to prioritize your relationship, has led to her not posessing that prerequisite for desiring sexual connection.
You also say "she is always angry with [you] on the inside," and that definitely sounds like something that would drive her away from sexual connection too. When you talked to her about this, did it sound like that anger is ALWAYS there, all day, every day, even if it's sometimes hidden beneath the surface? Or is that anger only felt and/or expressed specifically when you ask for sex? Either way, that sounds like a hint at a deeper relationship issue that is contributing to both emotional distance and sexual rejection in your relationship.
The fact that you're talking about these issues is good. When communication totally shuts down, things get extra bad. So the fact that communication is still open is good, even if it has not yet been fruitful.
Since you've talked about it with her multiple times and nothing has changed for the better, I suspect you're not getting to the root issues. If I had to guess, your talks probably center around the fact that sex is infrequent, uninteresting, emotionally disconnected, and unfulfilling. Is that right? If so, it makes sense that the problem isn't getting resolved. You're talking about sex when this isn't a sex problem. Your sex problems sound very much like they're symptoms of a deeper relational issue. You'll need to dig in and identify, then address those deeper relationship issues before the sex can improve.
We strangers on the internet can only help so much, so I'd recommend finding a good marriage therapist who can dig into this in a way that's 1) more professional, and 2) more tailored to your specific situation. Due to your wife's angry feelings she mentioned, I suspect there are likely issues she has been unhappy about for a long time that she has kept bottled up, and that has turned into resentment and anger, which understandably makes her not want to be sexually vulnerable and intimate with you. I'm making no implications about whether that's your fault or hers, because I don't know the situation. Likely you both have some responsibility in whatever has happened. But it'll take more detailed coaching from a therapist to unwind that ball of yarn, follow the threads, get to the root cause, and begin applying a remedy. So I encourage you to find that professional help as quickly as possible! Ideally, find a marriage counselor who operates from a Christian worldview and has experience counseling on sexually-related issues. Even though I don't think the primary issue is at the sexual level, sex is definitely involved, and does need to be discussed as part of rebuilding your relationship with the counselor's help.
I hope this helps! I pray God would help you endure, give you both grace and peace, and lead you and your wife together toward healing and a restoration of intimacy.
I'm sorry to hear that your marriage has come to where it now stands. First, is your wife a Christian ? If she is , I'd suggest , then insist that she join you for a counseling session, preferably by a Christian therapist. Ask her if she wants to remain in your marriage.
If you feel as described, let her know that a lack of effort on her part will end your relationship. Situations exist because people allow them to exist. Just as people treat you as you allow them to treat you, it's the same in a marriage. One" sided-ness " has no place in a healthy relationship, and will result in sadness, dissatisfaction, anger, resentment, etc..
IF you treat you wife like a queen,she should treat you like a king. Otherwise, one will eventually take advantage of the situation, and feel others role is to please them, with no thought of reciprocity
Husband: Why are you angry with me.
Wife: Offers no answer and gets angrier because husband didn't figure it out by himself.
I have no marital advice to give to fix this. I know not her side of the story. Marriage is like a plant. If alive, you can feed and water it to watch it grow. If it's dead, you can feed and water it all day long and it will still be dead. She should at least be able to tell you if it is dead or not. Maybe she already has.
Speaking as someone with a behavioral science doctorate I am all for the mental side of this equation. Also sometimes people don't do well because they don't feel well. Menopause (both before and after) can be a real challenge for our lady friends. Speaking also as a 36 year married empty nester, our romantic life received a real boost when my wife started the correct combination of hormone therapy (especially Testosterone). We were a once a week sex frequency couple most of our life and SHE requested a midweek add on which is saying something for a couple in their 50s. This suggestion won't sound great coming from you so I would pray she had a girl friend that guides her down this path.
Here it is very important to postpone the decision about sex for a while, maybe forever with this woman. It seems to me that she has a poisoned perception of men. Perhaps her mother or her friends significantly influenced the perception of what a man should be. In her eyes, you are not alpha. And if so, then she is not going to give herself to an imperfect man. Let me give you a couple of pieces of advice. Now pestering her with sex will only make your situation worse. She probably does not understand that for a man this need is like hunger. You should be and show complete independence from her and of course in sex! Masturbate as much as you need. She should not know about this. Disconnect your emotions from her. You do not depend on her. Then there are two paths. Either she will be drawn to you or she will go crazy and start showing even more aggression. Perhaps she will grab you by the shirt and start yelling at you. Then, on the same day, you need to leave her. Because it will get worse. Your health will start to deteriorate, your body will save you from an abusive relationship. The relationship is already abusive, the question is how much strength will last…. Divorce is first of all to separate to another place, where it is quiet and you can restore your strength. And perhaps soon this will be necessary…. But a man should not be dependent on anyone except the Lord Jesus Christ!
@wander
You bring up some ideas that are worth thinking about, but I think you're making some unhealthy assumptions that we can't know for sure.
For example, you say, "It seems to me that she has a poisoned perception of men. Perhaps her mother or her friends significantly influenced the perception of what a man should be. In her eyes, you are not alpha. And if so, then she is not going to give herself to an imperfect man."
Now, do a lot of woman have improper and toxic views of masculinity these days? Yes, certainly. Are toxic views like that often learned from other women who have them? Sure. Might the author's relationship issues be partially related to his wife holding this kind of unhealthy view? Perhaps.
However, that is only ONE potential cause out of MANY possible causes of this relationship issue. It's unhelpful and counterproductive to assume that you already know the one cause of the issue, because every different cause has a different solution. If you assume that you know the root cause without investigating first, your solution is highly likely to be incorrect, ineffective, and possibly counterproductive.
You also say, "Masturbate as much as you need. She should not know about this. Disconnect your emotions from her."
Masturbating is fine. But hiding it from your spouse and intentionally withdrawing from emotional connection is never, ever, EVER a good idea if you want any hope of saving and rebuilding a healthy marriage. Hiding and withdrawing NEVER help a relationship, the only hurt it. Being transparent and seeking connection are essential for a healthy relationship.
I'm concerned about the view of marriage behind these pieces of advice. These are the actions and ideas of a person who has been hurt and is only looking to protect themselves, not the actions of someone who wants to heal a hurting relationship and make it thrive again. It sounds to me like you've been through some terrible things, or heard a lot of stories of toxic relationships, and developed a very pessimistic view of women and relationships with them. Now I'll take my own advice here and recognize that I could be assuming wrongly. But IF I'm guessing correctly, I'd encourage you to remember that there ARE healthy men, women, and relationships out there, and not every situation calls for distancing yourself from the relationship, or other extreme ideas floating around the internet.
First, I would say make sure you are not to blame. We all need to work on our own responsibility of being blameless. Even your wife. Christianity & church tradition can give us the wrong information. Cut to the chase & become a disciple with Jesus as your Rabbi. Blameless doesn't mean perfect. But, it does mean making amends & working to correct bad, sin, habits. But, this is not on you. Let God correct you. Let God define. You & your wife have a flesh bias that God does not. Any doubts, sin, or ignorance of righteousness we may have can truly only be corrected by God. Read His Bible because your life depends on it. Let it guide & instruct. Get real answers about all things between you & God. Get to the bottom of anything that casts doubt or accusation on your heart. Read thru the books of John & Acts & make sure your salvation is secure, first. Then, trust & believe that is a done deal. Move on to the next thing God wants you to deal with. Then on, & on. Fearing, loving, & obeying Jesus will make you a better husband. A christlike husband. With a word that is a sure foundation & path that is no longer shaken.
Then, there is your wife. Regardless, of whether she does this, your Christlikeness is still your goal. Her sin cannot influence you to sin. You being blameless is to still happen. God expects her to work on her blamelessness, too. But, she may not. Definitely, be the husband. Put your ring back on & apologize for taking it off & show her, live it out naturally that you are wearing it as you should. Live up to your vows regardless of if she does, or not. Love her even if she can't, or does not know how to love you. She wants a man that lives up to his word. So, does God. Whatever strategy that is not working stop doing it. Whatever causes your wife to defend against you, stop doing. See your wife as Jesus does, worth dying for. Live it as Jesus does. Love her like Jesus does. Change to be the man she embraces. Or, at least give her that opportunity. If God can change her He will, but if He can't, you can still embrace your calling. Divorce isn't God's answer. Anyone can change & we all stay the same. Be God's man that can love & obey Him either way. Try & discuss, communicate, & go to counseling. But, if she is not willing your Christlike action will speak without you saying a word.
Treat her as God treats us. We don't deserve God's grace, but He gives it. When Israel wanted a king, God said He was their King. But, as they insisted, He gave them the rope, or their desire. God expects us to climb out of our hole with that rope, yet He knows we could just hang ourselves with it, too. If your marriage can be saved, God will do it. Yet, if not, let God be your portion. He is your reward, inheritance, & portion.
Read & follow God thru scripture. Let Him help you process your emotions. Be angry & sin not. But, also, become a cooler head that prevails, because you know God will avenge if need be. God can bring confidence in Him & you, you never knew you could have.
Praying God saves.
Has she looked into her hormone levels? I struggled for years with no to low libido but since getting hormones my drive is so high!! It's incredible to feel like this at my age and 34 years of marriage! Also, try counseling, it helps so much and can help get you unstuck and hopefully back to a place of really hearing AND listening to each other.