An Accepting Life
My husband M has a younger sister. She’s only 2 years younger, but from the very start of our relationship, she and I became fast friends.
In her teen years she was more of a tomboy, with a little bit of a wild streak to her. It’s one of the things I like about her. She always had a way of throwing a curveball in here or there that sometimes left an awkward silence from those present. At other times, she’s caused all of us to just bust out and laugh till tears came out of our eyes.
One thing she never had any pretense about was sex. (With the exception of her parents of course, or anybody else who would take exception.)
It didn’t matter how raw it was—she talked about it. And quite often, when just she and I were together we talked about it. She’s one of those people who knows about me and about my sex life with M.
She’s married with children, and she’s in her mid-60s now, but we still laugh and talk about a lot of things that most people wouldn’t.
Over the years, we have been in different situations together. She and I have gone shopping together, then on girls weekends together, gotten massages together, sat in her hot tub naked together—we’ve seen each other in many different ways.
This includes discussing our vaginas.
I’ve always been more conservative in this respect, but for her, it didn’t take anything to hop out of the hot tub sit on the edge with her legs spread wide, showing me her labia.
And after much prodding, she had me doing the same thing. Just for comparison sake.
Now we have never had any kind of sex per se. But we have known each other a long time, and we do love each other as best friends and sister-in-laws.
That being said, there have been times when we had embraced while we were completely naked, and they were other times where one of us was feeling down, and we would comfort the other with loving hugs, hair caresses, and kisses to the forehead.
And I’m confessing here—there were times that I wanted there to be more. After some discussion, I found out she had felt the same way.
However we never did.
M knows all about all of the things that I’m saying. And like many men, he is somewhat intrigued about it. Of course he’s intrigued about me with any woman, especially if he’s included. And although role played that fantasy, we have never done that.
I can kind of point out areas in my life where these sparks of attraction to other women happened. There have been times in my life where I can say that an experience perhaps had influenced me to have an attraction for women.
For the longest time, I felt guilt and shame about it. I prayed about it, I tried to deny it, and it never went away. I began distance myself from his sister. And she knew it.
I even became ultra conservative in my faith, and as a result, it denied M many of the things that we had been practicing in our sex life. It created a void, and where there’s a void in a monogamous couple’s sex life, there is a place for weeds to be sown.
In our case, infidelity. This was something that almost tore us apart when I found out about it.
But I loved him, and when we talked about it, I could see my part in it. But something good came out of it—it brought sex to center stage for us. There had to be changes, and part of that was the two of us sorting out what was truly scriptural, and what was man’s twisted interpretation of the meaning.
We began to delve into the sexual heart of a monogamous relationship, and how important it really is. I learned how big my part was in this as the female.
We created an open area for us to be able to discuss all things sexual. There were many things that he had thought about and wanted to try, but was unable to bring up because I wouldn’t listen. I also was able to bring out to him the fact that I was attracted to women. That’s when I confessed my attraction to his sister.
One of the things that we learned was to accept one another for who we were, without holding back the deepest secrets and desires that we felt.
It’s an irony, really, that two people who pledge themselves in matrimony and a monogamous relationship do not even feel they can be honest with the one person they have to be the most honest with.
Upon learning many things about each other that we never realized, we came up with an agreement: if one of us wanted to try something, we would do it, as long as it met a few basic rules.
First, there had to be no express word in Scripture against it. (And not just somebody’s take on what it says, but what it actually says.)
Second, it had to be legal. That speaks for itself.
Third, it had to be safe. It couldn’t be something that could possibly be infectious, unhealthy, or cause harm to us.
And in the end, when we tried something together, if one of us did not find pleasure in it, we would discuss what we could do to change it and make it pleasurable. If it couldn’t be done, or if we just really didn’t like it, then we just never did it again.
Above all was communication. It was essential to communicate our feelings on things, whether positive or negative, and for both of us to accept what the other said. We had to think critically—and together—about the pros and cons of something, and whether it should be done or not.
Since that time, our sex lives have opened up to so many new experiences. Some of this includes fantasy and role play, where we’re able to indulge ourselves in each other’s fantasies and play them out together.
Another thing that has come about as a result of our change in attitude is the acceptance of my attraction to other women. No, I’m not saying that I’m attracted to every woman. But I do at times find something about someone else that for some reason gets me aroused.
This open communication not only helped me to overcome my own insecurities, but it also gave M the freedom to be able to discuss something he may find attractive about a woman, or something that I find attractive about a man. Previously, because of my own insecurities, and namely jealousy, we could not discuss attractions. But now I might be the one who occasionally brings up something I find attractive about a woman, and the two of us will discuss it together and accept it.
Our love has grown exponentially as a result of new attitude—this new accepting life.
And my relationship to my sister-in-law? It’s like it used to be. Here we are in our 60s and we still have fun and love one another like we did in our youth. The only thing now is when we talk about the effects of aging, it’s not only about our bodies in general, but about our sexual abilities too. I can say that she is my lifelong bestie, and I love her and I’m grateful for her!
The way you love yourself, dictates the way you love others.
Lady L.💋
There’s a lot of wisdom there, Tutchh, some of which can only come from experience.
I appreciate how positive you and your husband made something that could have been the end of your marriage.
I appreciate how you’ve grown. Many people would have cut ties, wallowed in self-pity or anger, and never learned anything from the experience.
Looking inward is hard, because most people don’t really like what they see, and even fewer are willing to do anything about it.
You’re an inspiration, you and M, and I’m glad you chose to share.
Thank you so much Kate I'm for seeing the positive side of this story. My anticipation is that many will find negative things to comments on however as you said with age comes experience and I have listened to my chair of criticisms and some of the things I've talked about here from others and at this point confident enough or stance and outlook on life and humanity. And weird all stands in the light of faith.
💋Lady L💗
I apologize for using Kate instead of KM. It was not intentional it was voice to text because I am answering this as I am driving once I posted it it was a glaring mistake. Again I apologize and I do thank you for your support and understanding.l
[From MH: It's not a big problem, but it does seem like many of your comments have typos like this, and also ones that can make it difficult to understand what you mean. Just as a friendly tip, perhaps consider proof-reading before submitting your comment, or even trying a new speech-to-text software, because your current one seems to make some odd decisions about what to type for you.]
Thank you it is a tip I always tell myself to do. However all too often and find yourself answering while on the run or short for time.
I will definitely try to not post until I actually do read it through and make the corrections necessary.
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You and your husband are great examples of how to address marital issues in a Scriptural way. I see things on other marriage blogs or forums that are either too far one way or the other, broadly interpreting the Bible how they want or being legalistic about things that just aren't there. Your rules for married activity are close to my own (Biblical, legal, safe, and both in agreement). I've gotten fed up with the man-made rules that are imposed on Christian marriages (oral is sin, anal is sin, seduction of your spouse is sin, masturbation, even together, is sin), so to read your testimony and see how you truly honor Jesus and His intent for marriage is a refreshment! It encourages me to keep seeking God's way, not letting culture or tradition control me. Even the way you handle your attraction to women is admirable. You use it to build heat with your husband, instead of denying or ignoring it. You recognize that acting on it would not be right, but you are open about it. There is so much harm done today because people won't talk about it, study the Word, or find answers and reasons. I appreciate your testimony in this area.
Dear Lovely one.
As always your words speak to my heart.
Thank you for all that you said and am so glad to hear that you are edified by our experiences and our responses to them.
Lady L. 💗💗💗💋
I wish maturity were easier for us humans. You two, or four (counting in laws) have found what many have not. But, many have, too. It is unfortunate devastating circumstances seem to have to happen before we learn to accept one another as deeply as we foolishly say, but only with reservations & limits. Even I can say I would love to have my wife & I be as open & honest as you speak of (it literally has been my vision of marriage for more than 30 years now), yet if it were to happen I myself would have to mature to keep from looking over my shoulder for guilt, or jealousy. Yet, here lately, my wife & I have been more open than usual, in a good way. Yet, still a long way to go.
As you talk about your sister in law. I can understand your husband's intrigue of such a scene. I believe your take on same sex attraction is a much needed reality for the church. There is no way you are the only person who has this, & many have actually crossed that line you say you have not. The key, as I have read & understand is biblical. Self control & a desire to please God. Paul tells us some of the Corinthian church were homosexual. Yet, we hide this fact, today, however tame & strong the activity may be. Just like word of mouth of accepted sin fans sin into a raging fire, so does word of mouth of overcoming sin. As you, & others speak of. Hiding, pushing it away, or fearing it only leaves it to come back & haunt us. But, honoring God & being honest about it is the beginning of control. Many times, christians think sin has to be eradicated, with no memory of it, to be successful, or feel it is a win. That's not possible. We cannot erase our memory any more than Jesus hid His scars. The power is in the truth. Just because we smell the bakery & enjoy the thoughts, does not mean we ate the pie (pun intended). I appreciate your candor about your sister in law. It is arousing. But, I honestly see your sisterhood, & womanhood. That may be scary to us who have never known it for ourselves. But, it is a world of family that blesses the four of you. David & Jonathan had a family type of relationship. I have no problem knowing they were not gay, yet many think they were. Plus, David was willing to be undignified to praise God. Not that comparing vaginas is offensive to me, but God does say if we have done it to the least of these, we have done it to Him. I have no problem seeing God in your relationship between you two ladies. If we were naked before sin. Then a naked embrace between family as you two have done is one step closer than any of us have, I'm willing to bet. I personally am jealous you have such a great relationship between the two of you.
Thank you for your comment Mister,
You are very correct in us being able to accept one another, But even more so we need to accept ourselves. Of course we all want to get closer to our Creator and our Savior. And we want to be better people. But there are certain things within us that are just us.
And for our spouse to be able to accept that about us is love plain and simple.
Open this and honesty especially if it's been years of neglect is something that is continually worked on. Through certain words actions and judgments we reinforce in one another the understanding of what they will find acceptable in us and we will begin lying or hiding those things that we feel they won't.
When we feel that nobody knows what we really like is when we begin sneaking and doing things that we shouldn't do. Thereby bringing sin and the shame it includes into our lives.
And you are all too correct in that I am not the only one who has certain sexual feelings that would not be generally accepted. But having the love of your life except you and accept this is all that matters in this world. When you can have friends who you can relate to as well and accept you then that is a definite plus.
I think because my sister-in-law has always been so open about everything it has created this aire of freedom between us. Hence the ability to talk about things that was sexual nature. We are both in our 60s, both married, both have children, both have grandchildren.
But yet we are able to talk openly between one and another about everything, I don't want to give the impression that every time we see each other we grab a drink, strip down naked and begin talking about sex. We have a very normal relationship it's just that we are open and honest enough with each other to feel the freedom to be in that environment with each other.
And it's the same with the girlfriends that I have spoken about. We don't all just come over and get naked and sit around the pool talking about sex. That really is something that is rare between us. Most of the time it's talking about life in general.
But because of who we are we have this freedom between us. This is the same freedom we should have with our spouses. There shouldn't be any shame between us but acceptance and love.
Lady L.❤️
Thank you for sharing. As KM said, you are an inspiration! You’ve shared before about role play sex. As I’ve said before, MH introduced my wife n I to role play sex and it’s been a game changer for us. So many intense sex/lovemaking sessions have now happened in role play.
You n M’s willingness to explore different ways of having sexual encounters with each other is really impressive. As is your wise (& fun) way of dealing with your same sex attraction.
Your renewed friendship with your sister in law is wonderful. Religion is supposed to bring us together- not guilt us apart. Your relationship with her is 100% appropriate yet quite unusual. Most of my family would be absolutely against any talking openly about sexual things. I think that is a weakness in our prudish society.
Again, thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much LM,
And I'm glad that you two have found things to spice up your own marriage including roleplay. And you are right it is a game changer. The results can be so arousing and overwhelmingly erotic.
And yes it is a wonderful thing to have her as my best friend after all of these years. Both of us being in our 60s both being married both having children and grandchildren. Yet such a wonderful open relationship between us.
And that's for speaking openly with other family or friends. We choose our words carefully and what it is that we share it's just that she and I have known each other for so long and because of her character it provides an air of openness between us.
Lady L.
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I would like to clarify, I am not saying that everyone who has same sex attraction, or activity, whether currently, or in their past, has to confess this sin publicly as a solution. Everybody handles things differently. I only mean that such individuals come to the truth about the issue & properly live with the issue in its right place in your heart. That maybe that it actually is no longer a passion, nor temptation for you. But, it also may still be. In our desire to honor & obey God we should come to terms with ourselves. Things happened, it was pleasurable, it is wrong, etc. But, we can live with it, come to terms with it. Like Mary Magdalen, or the woman caught in adultery. Find your power of belief, in Jesus' Word, & move on with it correctly. With you in charge. No one has to know about it, or you may want to confess it, or share it. Wherever your strength, & need is. Just come to the truth about it. Talk & walk God's truth throughout it. Understand it as God wants you to, overcome, & be in charge, & in control. As a part of your past, or present correctly. Not fearing, but put away where you access it only when you want. Not a fear you are forced to cringe or sweat over when satan forces you to look at it when you are its slave. Accept & live with it in the power of God's word/thoughts over it. However that victory looks for you. God bless.
As I recall there was a very wise person who once said. "He who has no sin cast the first stone."
There was no offense or misunderstanding on my part Mister. I take into stride everything people say and learn from it.
We all have yearnings within us and mosttimes we have no idea where they come from.
Being able to accept yourself is the first and foremost. It doesn't mean to excuse our wrongs. But to accept where we are in life and if we are in contradiction to the desires of our Savior we need to correct our ways.
And of course first and foremost is honesty first with our Lord and secondly with the most intimately involved in our life that being our spouse. It doesn't mean everybody needs to know about the things you are struggling with, The fact is they will not share everything they are struggling with. Because we are humans and we have struggles.
It's Grace that carries us through to victory. And in the end that is what counts.
Lady L. ❤️
Thank you for that touching story! Whether some are born with a weakness to certain sins, it's about how we handle it and whether we choose to act on our feelings or rely on God's Word & Promises. Your choices do you credit. Despite the stereotype being that guys talk about sex with each other all the time, I've never had a relationship with another man where I felt confident opening up on that subject. If I'm to have open/frank talks about sex with anyone, I sincerely hope that it will be with my future wife: I can't believe that many people go years into marriage without having those kind of conversations!
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I appreciate the maturity and reflection that you have achieved, though it sounds like it was a rocky path to get there. But I’m happy for you, and you and your husband’s attitude can/should serve as a model for others.
Thank you so much. ❤️
I've had an interesting relationship with my sister-n-law…it's not quite the same, but it is "unique". She's about 10 years younger than me and my wife and she gets along great with her sister (my wife) but she's not saved and has had no desire to go to church or any of that. The conflict of being in the faith, married into a family that isn't of the faith has presented scenarios that have been "unique". I can't tell you how many times I walked into their house when I was still dating my wife and her sister would be walking around the house in her thong and bra. It was alarming at first, but pretty quickly became old hat and it was more normal for her to be nearly nude than fully clothed. And she was/is HOT…she played basketball in high school and kept her body toned and fit. She tans and has great tits and a perky tight ass. She also has noooo problem being especially flirty and even borderline NSFW physically with guys, me especially. When my wife and i first met, her sister was still High School, and was a bit wild. In and out of lots of different relationships and we would talk about her relationships ad nauseum. It was literally the majority of the conversations we would have…my wife and I being Christians were saving ourselves for marriage, but her sister was having fun…and she didn't have any qualms having her fun at my expense…Lots of butt bumping up against me when I'm just standing in the kitchen or I'll be sitting on the couch watchin tv and she "accidentally" sits on my lap in her underwear…stuff like that. She has even grazed/groped my crotch before with her hands "on accident". It's all in fun I guess and my wife just laughs it off, but it definitely is a different kind of relationship. She lived in a beach town in college and we would go visit regularly and pretty much every time we were there visiting, we would "catch" her sunbathing in the backyard naked. It got to the point where I would send my wife in first to make sure she had clothes on. If I'm bein honest, I really don't mind any of it…I think it makes my wife a bit horny thinking her sister is coming on to me but I get to go home and fuck her instead…Anyway, loved the prompt and your relationship with your sister-n-law made me chuckle.
I just returned to some of the stories I've written and was reading through the comments. I saw that I missed this one originally. Thank you for being honest WL.
And sharing the strengths that you've shown in the face of sin. When somebody has no desire to follow the ways of God or to even talk about consider God, we have to be on a higher state of awareness.
Early on in our marriage I would have been jealous and hurt but anything remotely resembling what you described. But with the experiences we've had I can say that I identify with your wife and actually will use those sorts of things for our benefit.
Being that we are both comfortable about discussing attraction to women I won't go into depth but suffice it to say one thing usually leads to another with us.
I think that probably one of the things that comes about with age is not stressing over things that we would have when we were younger but taking things more in stride.
And I will say that the ability to Converse openly and honestly without fear of rejection or hurt is quite possibly one of the most important things a relationship HAS to have.
And this bond that we have with each other has endured through flirtations and advances from others outside of our marriage both towards me and towards him. One of the things that we've seen about this is their lack of knowledge about our relationship and our open communication and strength of it. For them it's the cloak of sneaky secrecy that they tried to cover this up in. For us is bringing it out into the open, discussing with one another the feelings and thoughts that we have on these events, keeping it in perspective of the bigger picture of our life together and the little part that did played in that picture.
"I think that probably one of the things that comes about with age is not stressing over things that we would have when we were younger but taking things more in stride.
And I will say that the ability to Converse openly and honestly without fear of rejection or hurt is quite possibly one of the most important things a relationship HAS to have. "
Great wisdom. With age comes comfortability with what is and what isn't. I'm never gonna be the rodeo cowboy i thought i was gonna be when i was comin outta high school, but I met the missus along the way and it's been a great life. Havin the ability to adapt and pivot from what you thought life was gonna be like and make the best of it is real maturity. And your comment "Being that we are both comfortable about discussing attraction to women I won't go into depth but suffice it to say one thing usually leads to another with us" i think says more about your maturity than anything else. Not every taboo isn't a sin and not every sin is taboo. I'm attracted to women (mainly just the wife, but I'm still a red blooded male and God is a fantastic artist and Maker and I personally feel like I would be disrespecting God's creation to not observe and appreciate His designs and creations…and yes I do believe that the creation of Eve and women was God's magnum opus…she is the greatest single form of beauty in all of creation. Observing a beautiful woman or couple in love in my opinion is not sin…i include even in the throws of passion. I admit I might be a bit abnormal in that arena, but I don't think I'm alone here from some of the comments I've read on this site. Alls that to say, I think it's great that you have a comfortable, even unconventional, relationship with your sister-n-law. My wife only has brothers so I've never had any brush ups like what WL was talkin about, but we have plenty of fun on the boat on the lake with my brother-in-laws and their wives/gfs. Nothing out of bounds, but we're all grown ups and enjoy God's beauty and creation (especially when we're in the creating mood!)
Hi Tutchh! It's always exciting when someone responds!
I think what made the experiences with my sister-n-law not deal breaking for me or my wife was that we were committed to each other and the teasing and temptations and flirting actually was a non issue per say mainly because it happens in life regardless and dealing with it doesn't change if it's a friendly waitress who is a bit too friendly, or a co-worker that is attractive and likes to push boundaries or a super hot super horny young high school/college aged athlete who happens to be your girlfriend's sister and she loves bein naked all the time…all the scenarios end the same if you are truly committed to each other. My wife and I were a good match from the beginning and the typical jealousies were never really a problem. We saved ourselves for each other, but we did have some premarital experiences. I'm not sure if that sort of thing is really permitted or discussing it encouraged, but we did have some go to ways of keeping each other only interested in each other before we were married and able to fully indulge…not saying that was why we were able to avoid the jealousies or that there never were ever any, but I was not and have never been interested in any other face, ass, tits or pussy since I met my wife and i've had a very very hard time keeping my hands off her since I met her.
[From MH: Discussing pre-marriage sexual experiences is allowed, but there are some guidelines. Overall, our primary rule is that the discussion should be held in a way that promotes sexual expression in marriage, and not in any other relationship. The reality is that many people have sexual experiences outside of marriage, and we want to allow that reality to be openly acknowledged and discussed. But even in that discussion, we want to focus on upholding marriage as the only truly healthy place for sexual expression to take place between two people.
The guideline is unfortunately—but necessarily—a bit subjective, because determining whether or not a story or comment violates that guideline, or is in conflict with our values, depends a lot on interpreting tone and implied meaning. But hopefully it makes enough sense to guide your discussion!]
Thanks MH! Really appreciate that feed back. If anyone was interested in what we did before we were married, I guess you can ask and I'll be discreet? It doesn't really matter I guess considering we ended up married? I don't want to side track from the main conversation and topic tho…how bout this, i'm available to discuss on whatever is the appropriate page or discussion forum!