We All Have One
We all have one. Even, if you were a virgin at marriage, you still have one: a sexual past, before your spouse.
Maybe, yours was just thoughts of what ifs, maybe you played with yourself only, or maybe you have multiple spouses, lovers or dates in your past. Not that those are equal in righteousness, but they are equal in us having a sexual past that you may, or may not, want to divulge to your spouse.
For one reason or another, we choose to discuss our sexual past with our spouse, or choose not to.
How have you handled this? Did the two of you discuss it? Or is it a no-no, and you don’t go there?
Personally, I feel I want to know, and I want to confess, if for nothing more than we can work through regrets, responses, and any fondness there may be, so that the two spouses can work to be the source of love and forgiveness like Jesus is to us.
Plus, I get a sense of withholding, both mentally and emotionally. This can keep, or cause a feeling of, a spouse at arms length. This can also translate into withholding physical sex. That withholding can make a spouse feel inadequate. When the command is to be virgins at marriage, if one spouse is not, they can feel dirty and inadequate in that way, and the other might feel left out. But the divulging of details allows the spouse to come into the knowledge, to process the emotions, and find a response to it all. Present and past. Sin and redemption. A spouse with an imperfect sexual past cannot turn back the hands of time, but they can show the most accountability and love by spreading out every detail. I believe, if both spouses are open to it, it can help them grow together.
I also believe (not that me and my wife do this) that in the power of forgiveness and the strength of Christ, a sex-positive marriage is at liberty to be aroused by this past and use it to enhance sex in the present, as long as it does not cause a lust for sinful sex. A spouse can easily be turned on hearing how the other was engaging in sex, in general, without even knowing who the other person was. But, also, they are free to have the mental picture of who the person was that made them engage the way they did. In this age of digital pictures and video, this would include any potential images of a spouse online, or in another’s phone, computer, or in possession of your spouse. The spouses would have to respect either a pro or con stance. They would have to agree on its use and be into it. This does not have to be a celebration of past sin, but a celebration of monogamy now.
Not all spouses and marriages are the same. None of what I am saying should be done against the will of the other spouse. What I am talking about is mutual confession But, that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes the marriage stays at odds on this. One may want to talk it out when the other doesn’t. A marriage can live like that. I would not say to go against the conscience of your spouse. They may think their silent, non-divulging stance is righteous. Some may hurt rehashing a past. It is up to them to see whether confession is healing or hurt.
However you want to explain yourself and your marriage here on MH, please do. Were you a promiscuous spouse before marriage? Were you a virgin? How do you feel, personally, about your past? How does it apply to your marriage? Do you and your spouse agree on this discussion? Has your marriage survived, thrived, or did it go south?
My wife and I discuss, but I have to bring it up. She doesn’t volunteer much, but will answer anything I ask. I am at least glad to have been able to tell her I still love her more than the day we were wed. I’m glad to have been able to share my heart of husbandly forgiveness as well. She is not against hearing about my past sexcapades, but would not have ever asked. So, my divulging is way less detailed than my asking about her’s. We do not agree on this topic, but have worked out a real solution for us, and we have peace to know we are open books in this way. Nothing is hidden away, and the rightful spouse is privy to those who showed no respect to a potential future spouse/marriage.
Ultimately, this topic is about finding greater insight into our marriages. There are many different components to confessing and forgiving, and many ways they can be done. Some are afraid to divulge because of judgement. But just maybe I haven’t proven myself to be one to confess to, either. Some want to, some don’t. But marriages can live through any of it.
What’s your experience?
Wow, this struck a chord with me, not because I have any sexual past (I don't), but my parents have a similar dynamic to yours. I don't know much about my mom's past; she does not volunteer anything. My dad is way more open and easy to talk to about sexual things, and I sense that he suffers because Mom doesn't show him that same openness. I literally have no idea if she was a virgin when she married Dad. I don't know if he knows either. Personally, because I've seen the damage in their marriage, I think there should be complete transparency on this topic between spouses; I'd actually want to discuss it before marriage. If you are now one flesh, there cannot be secrets. The hard part is being forgiving towards the spouse that may have been promiscuous, repentant if you were the promiscuous one, willing to open up and heal if you were hurt in any way sexually, or gentle and faithful as you help a hurting spouse. Obviously that is easy for me to say. Thank God I've never been sexually harmed, so I have no trauma to work through, but I hope I'd be gracious and loving if I married a man who had either a past where he sinned or was a victim. The point is, he has to tell me! If it isn't laid out and talked about, I could unintentionally hurt him in other ways, or he could hurt me.
It does take its toll. My wife will say she is an open book, but she is not. I say we have worked it out, & we have peace, but it is not a mutual, equal, setting. She has actually, at times, went back on her word of being ok with my Q&A. Her patience with it can grow thin. So, I long for a greater discussion but I don't push. In the end the marriage is more important than the information.
I feel for your dad. It's a rough road, at times. Our wives mean no harm to us, & we know that, but it does hurt. We actually want to help. But, feel helpless. Plus, with the distance, it is hard to gauge just how good things are between spouses.
But, spouses that keep it hidden have their reasons. You are correct, it maybe an abuse that they will take to their grave.
I am with you, transparency is a must. Having this conversation before the marriage is key. Great insight. Thank you.
I agree this is very sensitive. I am a virgin too. All I have seen, if that God really is not made a mocker out of when it comes to transgressions & iniquity. I have seen both the saved & unsaved pay the price of these sins in the loss of quality in their lives, especially in relationships, while others in health & finances (STD & meds). People often mistake forgiveness as forgetfulness. They think because God has forgiven them & forgotten their offences, they can "get away with the past". BUT the Bible is clear about "Do not deceive yourself, I the Lord will not be made a mockery out of…". Forgiveness is required for healing & preserving the future but it does not exempt anybody from the impact of such damage.
Yes, I feel sad about how many inside the Church are sinning outside. But they will surely suffer. "Be sure your sin will find you out".
It gives me joy, & hope, to see the 7000 faithful of God not bowing to these immoral ways. I am glad there are people who are holy testaments and I am glad to come across their testimonies, especially when they reap the harvest of sowing to the Spirit. Truly, God is not mocked.
May God help those of us who wait expectantly on Him. I know I need it.
Thanks camo, you are correct. This type of thing takes serious maturity. Spouses reactions will be vast & very different from spouse to spouse & marriage to marriage. Most definitely sexual activity before marriage is a sin. I in no way condone that. Yet, in the marriage context I ask the question, "What do we do with our past now that we are the present?" It can be healthy to leave it alone, & it can be healthy to dive in & discuss. But, it is not a must do, either way.
Spot on, thanks for your reply.
My wife and I talks about past partners it turns me on and dosent talk much about them but when she does it drives us crazy. I am so lucky to have her and they can’t have her anymore well I hope not. Once we both called out other partners name when comming to orgasm Purely fantasy and would never cheat.
I know it's not for everyone. But, a marriage is free to exploit the past if they choose to do that together. However, I believe spouses must step patiently & willingly share motives. Doubt can eat at our hearts & we can lose sight of the power our marriages have.
You have a blessed marriage, my friend. Keep the home fires burning! We're not all virgins previous to marriage. infirmly believe scripture says expose the sin. Shine the light of God's Word on it. Make it obey you, not the other way around.
Thanks She Calls Me Mister for posting this you definitely see all the perspectives and I like it. My wife and I are the second marriage for both of us. We were obviously not virgins. We have been married for 25 years now. After being married for about ten years we reached a place where we started discussing our sexual pasts. We discovered by accident you could say that I became very turned on hearing how she was engaging in sex. It was surprising to me, very to say the least. I never would have thought it would turned me on, but it did. She went with it, and we used it to have some intimate and bonding lovemaking between us. I say this you have to have their trust, once they know there is no judgement or shame then it can be a celebration of monogamy now and be a turn on and an exploration that you both enjoy. Probably not for everyone though.
Yes, this is not a frivolous, or whimsical, thing. Trust has to be a real power in the marriage. Some spouses will be sensitive & think the inquiring spouse wants to sin, judge them, or correcting them as an evil person in the marriage. But, you have tapped into that strength & power of marriage that some are afraid of. Jesus shows forgiveness by dying for His spouse. Even when He knows every detail of sin in their past, & future. It doesn't have to result in great sex & arousal, but as you say, it can. I know it has for me with my wife too, It could just mean both spouses find reason to share, confide. & grow in that trust, strength, & power.
Your reply has got me stoked. So, glad you 2 found this in your marriage! Thank you.
Not a nice topic but 1/4 of women and 1/6 of men are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Both myself n my wife Melody are survivors. That is a very difficult part of our sexual past.
We both got individual therapy before n after we met. We’ve discussed it many times but now those are short mentionings that are brief.
With counseling and therapy and our mutual faith in Christ and also love for each other we have a scintillating sex life together.
The abuse affects us in our sex life but not too much. Due to the nature of the abuse my wife n I have never done anal with each other. I rarely read MH stories with the (A) warning.
Thoughts of the abuse are not turn ons for us. We have some great fantasies that involve role plays etc. But we don’t role play any kind of abuse nor dominance – submissive nor bondage nor SM. What other couples do is not for us to judge. Those things just are not for us & can not be part of our sexual menu.
I will say that as far as my between marriages past I am grateful my wife believes in the cleansing power of the Atonement of Christ.
Absolutely, this is not a good topic for some. I am sorry to hear what you guys have been through. Far too much this is a common issue, that should not be an issue at all. My heart & prayers go out for you 2.
Yet, it sounds as if you both have divulged what you can to one another. And, this discussion has led to healthy boundaries that are very understood by both of you, for both of you, in your marriage.
Discussing our past is often not what we think it. For you two it sounds like you have both communicated what you needed to. Marriage discussions like this only go as far in detail as the spouses can, want, or need. You say you don't judge others their sex play, I am not judging you & Melody, your discussion of your past. You have actually shared a beautiful thing. You 2 show your hearts are way more connected than most. Thank you for sharing & being a great example of what marriage really is.
I think a healthy discussion of sexual pasts in a marriage can be healthy, if you have one. Personally, I was a virgin when I married and my sexual past consists of perusing the sears catalog.
For others, it’s more complicated than that. I’ve noticed that with couples who have sexual pasts with other partners, it is almost always the man who finds something arousing about hearing the old stories from his wife.
Except stories involving former swingers, I don’t think I’ve ever read of a wife who is turned on by the past exploits of her husband.
Is it because there’s a double standard? Is it because of jealousy? Is it because women are wired differently?
I have no experience with former sexual partners, I’m not condoning premarital sex, and I’m not condemning those who are under grace. It’s just something I’ve noticed.
I've often wondered if the guys who are interested in hearing the exploits are going without sex in their marriage. I kind of don't think this is always the case, but it cannot help if it is.
For the wife that isn't interested I tend to think traditional thoughts of sin, embarrassment, or wanting to hide that they were another person before marriage that liked their lifestyle. If it was a sin. For those pasts that aren't a sin, maybe they feel it improper to speak of past sex with the current husband.
Yet, this doesn't erase the current need or want in the present marriage. Two people from different walks of life are joined, now. Most all aspects of any past is there as the history of who we married. A lot of history is told, but why so tight lipped when it comes to sex? Possibly, the hearing spouse hasn't proven to be mature enough? Maybe, the telling spouse isn't mature enough. Maybe, the marriage isn't mature enough. In these cases better to keep it hidden than divorce, I guess.
Thanks KM.
I have a very robust sexual history. I’m the husband. I have been aroused by hearing of past experiences by my previous lovers and now my wife. I think it’s the voyeur in me and so many other men that makes us enjoy hearing of the past sexual history of our spouses. My wife on the other hand has been reluctant not share details about her past. I haven’t pushed the issue. For her it is due to the guilt she has from her past. I was not a Christian during my past exploits. I have come to realize that enjoying my past sins is a sin. The same is true for me enjoying my wife’s past sins. I haven’t asked her about hers in years. There is always a part of me that occasionally wants to ask, but I recognize that as my flesh, so I leave it alone. She has never really questioned me about mine, and that’s probably good. I could never be 100% open and honest anyway.
Yes, a spouse shouldn't push, nor go against the conscience of a spouse. You are correct to leave her be in her wishes.
I understand how getting aroused in hearing the spouses past exploits can be thought of as a sin. But, I am not talking about enjoying the past sin. I can see how this is a game stopper for some because it is so closely connected to the scene, sensations, & intimacy of the sin. But, now the sin is not here in our marriage. The context isn't about divulging a sexual past for sex's sake. That is a possible side effect, but there is more to it than that. If it were a sex thing then why wait til now to ask, why ask at all why not insist? Why stop at a conversation why not interview past lovers, or share your spouse? But, typically, these things don't happen. It is just about knowing. About getting to know your wife, or helping your marriage & spouse unpack baggage. What I am talking about is meant to be helpful, if the marriage sees it can be done.
But, this post is about the sexual past. So, yes, be careful. Tread lightly, or don't do it at all. My wife asked me why I wanted to hear about her with other men. I told her it wasn't about the guys. It is about her. I am interested in her sexually & this is another aspect of her, sexually speaking. What did she do. How did she feel. What has she experienced since we are embarking on our sexual experiences. First, just getting to know her, as her husband. What makes her tick. But, also trying to feel out if there are any boundaries. What can I expect. Some spouse may feel they owe an explanation of a sexual past to a spouse since they didn't wait. Since they weren't a virgin. And, if things are divulged, what man isn't sexually aroused, in his mind, when his wife speaks of her erotic exploits to him? I am not enjoying her sin. I am enjoying my wife.
In any conversation we recognize the sin, as sin. But, we are not sinning by recalling a sin. It is because of our redeemed, & forgiven, state now that we can divulge any exploit in a safe & secure environment. The power of the marriage to know this will not cause a divorce, that these things can be divulged & you will not be judged, but forgiven is why sex can happen in the marriage as a celebration over all that sin. Yet, this is still only one factor that gets exploited if the divulging spouse wants to.
This is all mutual. It is all safe. God divulges the details of sexual sin in the Bible. It, would be a sin to cheer those sins on, & get off to those terrible sins happening. That would be a lust for sin to happen. In our marriages, we would not want the sin to happen again. If that is the case it is enjoying the sin. Something that should not be done. I recognize it is a thin line between celebrating sin & celebrating the marriage now.
Thanks for sharing Sal. Very correct.
I see the point that sharing your past sexual history with your spouse could be enjoying past pre marital or promiscuous sin. When my wife and I shared our sexual history it did involve discussing some past pre marital sex acts. We did not anticipate that her sharing the details would be so arousing for me. It was unintentional, but we used it to have very intimate lovemaking. She told me afterwards she felt a deep bond with me because I did not judge or condemn her and was not insecure and jealous. We were both honest and open and it just happened to turn me on and her as she shared the details. I could see how it may cause problems and maybe just needs to be left alone. It is a difficult thing, but it can be bonding. I guess each situation is different. We were both married and divorced before we met, so we knew there was a sexual past for both of us. I think most couples in this situation just don’t talk about it. I don’t think it is a sin if you do and happen to get turned on and then enjoy each other sexually as a result of sharing.
"She told me afterwards she felt a deep bond with me because I did not judge or condemn her and was not insecure and jealous."
That is so awesome. That is the very point to why I asked. How special does it make us feel when we expect heartache & we get heart healing instead? When we expect divorce & get faithfulness? A spouse can feel terrible about past behavior & they confess it fearing rejection & they get an awesome session of making love! That has to feel wonderful!
The marriage can grow in that forgiveness & understanding. Every marriage should have that regardless of sexual pasts.
To each his own & I don't judge however things work in any marriage. I know this can't happen for everyone. But, Jesus did it for us. Spouses should learn to be that love with each other. Even, showing that love when there is no talk of pasts, at all.
Again, thanks for sharing, Victor. Made my day.
She Calls Me Mistet, your reply was so kind! Thank you 🙏! We ARE very connected and our difficult pasts give us a big opposite so we can appreciate our genuine friendship, love, and sex.
👍🏻
My past consists of some porn use, which isn't good, but could be much worse. I'm grateful that God didn't allow it to become an addiction, and protected me from the devastating consequences that can have. I'm grateful to be a virgin, with a sturdy conviction to remain that way until marriage, and with no serious struggles with temptations to violate that conviction. I'll be able to have my future wife as my first and only, which is very special to me. I pray I am her first and only as well.
When it comes to learning about my potential future wife's sexual past, I seem to differ from a lot of men in that I am NOT AT ALL sexually interested in, or aroused by, the idea of my future wife having been with other men. In fact, I'm repulsed by it. If I dwell on the thought, it makes me feel sick—though it's more emotionally sick than physical. It's not even a case of the idea being attractive to my flesh, but repulsive to my sanctified spirit—no, even to my flesh it is repulsive. If I imagine my wife having sex with a other man, even in the past, my first instinct is not to get aroused by it, but to physically fight that other imaginary man, lol
I'm a very loyal person by nature, and so any lack of monogamy, even in the past, is a huge turn-off to me, and serves to cause a rift in relationship, not unity.
But with all that said, I would still like to know her past, as I think that is necessary in order for me to truly know my spouse at the deepest level. I would like to know if she's dated before, the extent of that dating history (how many people, how long the relationships were), and whether she has had sex before. I would want to know how far she went, and with who, and how long ago. But I want it presented matter-of-factly and clinically, not erotically. For example, I would like her to be open and honest with me, and if she is not a virgin, I would want her to tell me something like, "I had sex with my previous boyfriend 4 years ago, and we did oral on each other and PIV," but leave it at that. I wouldn't want it to be eroticized. I wouldn't want to know all the positions they did, how good it felt, how hot she thought he was, etc. I'd want it to be like a MH discussion post, not a MH sex story. I want the information of her past, but I want all the intimacy, relationship, arousal, passion and pleasure to be focused exclusively on us two.
If she had learned something she enjoyed sexually while with a previous partner, I'd be happy for her to tell me what she enjoys, and I wouldn't object to knowing where she learned that—I'd rather know than be left to wonder—but I would also need her attitude to reflect repentance, rejection of her past sin, and a complete focus on our new relationship.
For me, I'm only interested in knowing my (future) wife better and deepening my relationship with her, and I don't want sexual or emotional thoughts of anyone else getting between us. It's a tricky balance to describe, and a tricky one to put into practice too, but hopefully that makes sense, and hopefully my future wife and I can achieve that. And hopefully God preserves both of us sexually and emotionally so we won't have to deal with any of this baggage from bad decisions!
Best case scenario is that neither have a past to confess, that involves another person. That is what God intended & should be the goal.
I understand & respect your view. It is a correct one.
May God bless you with your hearts desire.