Want-Will-Won’t
In his book Solomon on Sex, Joseph C. Dillow reported in 1977, “The number one cause of marriage breakup as far as the complaints filed in the divorce court is sexual problems.” The divorce rate in America since I’ve been sexually active has hovered around 50%, even among Christians.
One woman I heard on TV while waiting for my truck to be fixed told the reason she made hot sex a priority in her marriage. She said it was because they have four kids who need their dad to stick around. On the same show, the host mentioned that many women, once married, no longer believe sex with their partner is important and find it a bother in more ways than one. Ladies, don’t let this be you!
I heard one secular speaker recently relate a joke: in most marriages today, sex is done doggy style: she’s playing dead, and he’s begging on all fours. In reality, Wikipedia shares these statistics: only 25% of couples have sex 2-3 times a week. Between 15-20% of couples are “sexless,” defined as having sexual relations less than 10 times a year. Two percent haven’t had any sexual intimacy in a year. This is a far cry from God saying to married lovers, “Eat, friends; drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” (Solomon’s Song 5:1)
Most married couples can tell single young adults that married sex is far more complicated than you imagine. I’m telling you now. As a young Christian adult, I couldn’t wait until I could marry because I would finally get physical sexual release without guilt. The problem is, many are clueless about how to prepare. (What’s worse is the guilt was unnecessary.)
In my experience and observation, Christian teens and young adults are unable to prepare themselves for married sex because the Church has decided the topic can wait until after marriage. (Thank God for MarriageHeat! Beware, though; you won’t get everything you need here.) As a result, many Christian marriages fail, some of them because one partner figures out that this area of their life needs to develop, but the other thinks it’s committing adultery to look for ideas. The partner unwilling or unable to grow may expect the other to do so—if they must—without research, education, training, or experimentation with their spouse.
How much better if you and your beloved come into marriage with a clear idea of at least some of the possibilities and where you stand on each one?
Build a Want, Will, Won’t Chart
I challenge any young adult (or anyone in a sexually-challenged marriage) to create a chart showing the sex they want so they can communicate it to their partner when the time comes. It sure beats anything suggested to me during pre-marital counseling. The topic of the chart is Married Partnered Sex. Create three vertical columns: Want, Will, Won’t. If you were raised quite conservatively, like I was, this list could start off rather short. If I’d made one as a young person, it would’ve been clear I had a lot to discover. And I might still be enjoying the wife of my youth today!
Whether married or single, you can create a solo sex chart too. There are things I enjoy that my wife would never embrace. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy frequent, mind-blowing solo sex! Of course, never let it get in the way of meeting you spouse’s needs.
Want. These are desires. Be careful to distinguish between desires and fantasies. It isn’t easy in all cases because what you desire may (or should) be unfulfillable, making it a fantasy. Those that are doable can go in this column.
Before I was married, the only thing I wanted was penetrative sex with my wife so I could stop masturbating. Now I would ask her to make a chart like this of her own and, in doing so, to research what’s possible. Hopefully she would share these wants with me, and we’d find at least some common ground.
Will. These are things you don’t particularly want or enjoy but will do to satisfy your partner. Usually, such unselfishness helps you get what you want, too. For example, I derive no pleasure from kissing, but I engaged in it for her sake. She likes and needs it.
Won’t. These are things you avoid. For me, that was easy back then. No pornography or anything besides penetrative vaginal sex. Yeah, I was a dud, but until I was at least 9 years into my marriage, I didn’t realize it.
The first time I was introduced to this chart, I was asked to put 30 things in each category from a list of well over 700. Now, many of those listed God says “No” to. I don’t bother with what’s off limits, because I’ll never discuss or pursue it. There are also things I could do, but won’t, such as anal intercourse.
The point is, there a lot of cool things to look forward to. MarriageHeat.com is one site that introduces activities “in-bounds” for Christians. It’s up to us to decide which ones we want, are willing, and refuse to do.
Over time, items move around on the chart. You can expect activities to be added and dropped from any given category. At a minimum, I suggest you take annual inventory. If you’re married, share it with your spouse, perhaps about the time of your wedding anniversary (but not on it!)
In this chart you have a tool to further explore through research, education, training, and experimentation. Personally, I’m not initially eager to share with anyone what I’m considering. After all, I may come to realize it’s only a fantasy. I’ve been repulsed after delving into some topics and I’ve gotten passionate about ideas that didn’t enter my wildest dreams.
If my wife were open to it, I’d share things I’m looking into that I decide to pursue, even if only on a solo basis. I expect most spouses would want to know, especially if their spouse had any expectation of their eventual participation. Keeping such things secret isn’t good for marriages.
I’ve been working on this at least ten years and plan to do so for the rest of my life. It keeps me growing. I’d probably make a pretty good lover now, though I sometimes doubt I’ll ever get to prove it. But in case God chooses to restore the gift of marital sex to me someday, I must be ready. I seriously doubt young adults or newlyweds would ever exhaust this process in their lifetime.
I like this idea Skipper and I'd like to have a try at it in preparation for marriage. My man is on his way to me. I'll start with a chart for me and do one for him down the track if he wants one after we discuss it.
Could you please point me to a list that I may use?
Thanks
Cuddles
I can, but I'm not sure how, yet. Perhaps the administrators can let me know how to get it to you. I will, but it may take a moment.
Thanks for the encouragement!
This is amazing! Thank you for posting such a profound and solid approach for making the most of the erotic potential God built into us, and exploring every acceptable avenue of sexual pleasure within the confines of a God-ordained marriage.
Thanks Skipper…good ideas!
I'd like to interject here on one of your points: "In my experience and observation, Christian teens and young adults are unable to prepare themselves for married sex because the Church has decided the topic can wait until after marriage."
From my experience with the Church, and I have a broad experience with it (on staff for years, etc.) I believe both the Catholic and Evangelical Church is guilty of violating one of Paul's important statements in 1 Corinthians 4:6 "I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another. " So much of what is forbidden (and I don't mean "all" of what is forbidden) by these major Church institutions, is not forbidden in the Bible. I find it so amazing how Christians so often believe something sexually is wrong based on some theologians idea of what is wrong, rather than from a solid study of biblical history, culture, and linguistics, combined into a solid exegetical hermeneutic.
How aware are you that much of what the Church considers to be sexually inappropriate is due to two seriously misguided theologians – Augustine & Jerome? If you go back and study their influence on Christian sexuality you will discover that their negativity was more based around Gnostic Asceticism than the Bible. They were sooo negative to sexuality that its actually amazing the Christians today even have any kind of legitimate sex life with their spouses. He reminds me of the subset group in Corinth who queried Paul: "1Corinthians 7:1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” One would have hoped Paul's words would have forever resolved the Church's confusion over the importance of sex but they didn't.
I'm convinced, that just as the Devil, in his jealousy for God's place in human sexuality, sold Adam and Eve on the idea (after they ate of the forbidden tree) that their nakedness would be an affront against God, so they clothed themselves. God never demanded it, but things sexually have never been the same since. The Devil continually sells believers on what they can't do, what is sexually sinful, and what will sexually offend God, in ways the Bible no where states. You'd think the Bible had a ton more to say about what is forbidden than it actually does, by listening to modern believers express how terribly sinful masturbation, erotic media, etc. is.
So, in deciding what your "Won't" list should look like try to be as careful as possible to let that list truly reflect God's Word. Things like fornication, adultery, swinging, open marriages, incest, sex with children, are all safe to unequivocally consider strong "NOs" but much of the rest of what the modern Church calls sexually sinful is worthy of a good second and third look. It just might surprise you why you think the way you do…if your sex life with your spouse is boring, lackluster, and no fun.
I firmly believe God portrays Himself as a VERY sexy God in Scripture – see Proverbs 6 and Song of Solomon. As the designer of our sexuality He appears to be far less narrow minded than most Christians I've encountered. Perhaps we should care more about what He thinks than other so-called modern day teachers who appear to have such a legalistic and negative view of sex.
What a great post higherquest. I can't say amen enough. The world has cheapened sex and the church has failed to celebrate it. Us pastors must prayerfully fight to reclaim what has been stolen. Great sex is one of God's greatest tools to build intimacy in marriage.
Good idea, Skipper. And also some good comments, Higher Quest. I only have one correction to make for you. While it doesn't invalidate your point, actually, God did clothe them, as it says in Genesis 3:21: "Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them."
Some of the Church Fathers say that previous to the fall, they were clothed with the light of His glory, as was most things in the world at that time. So, they were naked, but they didn't know that because all they saw was the light of God emanating from the other. However, when they ate from the wrong tree, God's light and life departed from them, and so they saw their nakedness. That's in part why when they told God they were naked, His first reaction is, "And he said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded you that you should not eat?" (Gen 3:11). That God would ask that, indicates He knew eating from it and the spiritual death it would bring about would cause them to see their nakedness.
But, yeah, God did clothe them. It is listed as one of the first sacrifices for our "sin".
Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. Genesis 3:7 ESV
Opinions and translations vary. Some say animals were killed in sacrifice for their sin.
SecondMarge, I agree that verse doesn't quite back up what everyone's talking about, because I don't think it's the whole story. There's also Genesis 3:21: "And the LORD God made for Adam and his wife garments of skins and clothed them (ESV)". I think that's where the talk of skins and animals comes from, and the "sacrifice" part seems to be implied.
Perhaps the list of possibilities could be made available here on MH
It would be great to have a list like that on MH, since it sounds like such a useful tool for couples!
I'm currently studying web development and I've thought about making a questionnaire page along these lines that MH could use. Perhaps in a few months' time I'll know enough to try something like that. No promises, but we'll see how it goes!
Great insight and comments about the married experience. Great suggestion.
I wrote this several weeks ago, forgetting I wanted to write such lists to help my marriageable son. Since then, I broke the ice with my son to start discussing this topic with him. Yes. I boldly went. I forgot that I was hoping this community would create these lists for both men and women. Let's start with ladies.
Cuddles, I pondered what a Want-Will-Won't chart might look like for young marriageable ladies. Here's my shot at it to get the conversation started. Yes, it's full of my biases for what I want in my bride. No, it isn't a prescription for anyone. It's just a place to start!
Please remember anyone reading this list will have different ways to implement them. I made some topics broad enough for the reader to tailor for themselves.
Also, from most women's point of view, somethings on this Won't list are absurd. That's okay. You know your boundaries better than I. However, it will get you started in creating realistic boundaries for yourself.
Title: Getting the Sex I Want
Mission: Learn solo sexual, sensual skills that will directly transfer to partner sex with my husband
Want
Review MarriageHeat.com
Understand Song of Solomon & apply lessons
Use PC muscles for stronger orgasms & to make him cum
Use "toys" to stimulate Primary erogenous zones
– G-Spot Stimulated, possibly squirt
– Kissing
– Nipple erogenous zones stimulated
– Edge
– Use a dildo
Use rope & vibrators to stimulate secondary erogenous zones
– Groin erogenous zones stimulated
— Sacrum
— Mound
— Pelvic joints
– Foot erogenous zones stimulated
– Self-tie
Dress attractively
Create a sensual music playlist
Will
Use odors to stimulate sex
– My odors
— Manicured underarms
— Manicured vulva
– Bedroom odors
– Savor food
Make bedroom a love shack
Make bathroom part of the love shack
Suck a realistic dildo, possibly deep throat
Dress provocatively at home
Sleep without underwear
Moan to express pleasure levels
Sing sensual partner love songs
Negotiate solo scenes w/ myself
Imagine negotiating partner scenes
Pierce my ears
Apply light makeup
Take & protect selfies
Won't
Insert anything in my anus
Maim my body
Wear tattoos
Wear perfume
Dress proactively in public
What doesn't need to go on your list is what God says is off-limits for us:
No Way
Anything God says no to
– Bestiality
– Multiple partners
– Same-sex partners
– etc.
Hopefully, this gets the discussion going for what generally goes in each of the three columns.
Have fun!!!
Oh my
Interesting topic. Because my husband had passed, I had “The Talk” with my son. I hadn’t planned on his desire to ask for the amount of details he did. Apparently things said at school made him curious. I was pleased that he felt close enough to me that he could be that open. I was brave enough to admit things I had never discussed before. Sometimes I blush just thinking about some of the topics. Even answering questions about my body. I avoided judging in the manner others had been with me.
Forgive me but reading MH could give unreal expectations as especially the wives here are far more sexual and willing to partake than surveys show the average wife will.
In 6th grade, our class took a trip to the Boy's Club for a Sex Ed class (which was fun because we got to shoot hoops) – boys and girls were segregated, with a woman instructor for both. I was so naive when the instructor talked about jacking off, I was confused, what a jackknife had to do wit it…
Sad how we as kids learned sexual things a bit here and a bit there.
Interesting Advice. What would you want? What do you do?
This is an interesting concept. I'd love it if something like this list were posted.
I also find the comments about one's upbringing and communications interesting. I got only the scarcest of details and even my father was very uncomfortable discussing such things. In other, older stories on here we've seen comments about some getting next to no information, others having great communication especially with their engaged young adults about healthy and joyful marital sexuality. While respecting cultures and appropriate boundaries, it's interesting to look at a list like Skipper's and consider what we could do to increase frankness and improve future marriages (and single's healthy sexuality) as opposed to post-wedding surprises and contention between husband and wife.
I think the interesting part about his list is how different mine would be to his. Many things that are a no for one person are fine for another and vice versa. Interesting how we ended up with such a variety of opinions.
I see on Skippers list was taking a dildo into his mouth. I wonder how many men on MH do that. Sucking your wife’s juices off her penis shaped toy?
I think Skipper's list was a stab at creating a list for a single woman by way of example. But my hubby will definately do that: take a toy he's been using on me and suck it clean.
Ok thanks for clarifying Skippers list. Must be sexy watching your husband suck that faux cock.
If I had time traveled from my teen years to read a list I would make today I would shock myself. Amazing how much more open we get with time.
There was a discussion in the past about a quiz that brought topics up between the husband and wife regarding their likes and dislikes. It was neat as things that weren’t considered by both partners were disregarded so no contention was brought up. It made for stimulating conversation for us. Just search for mojoupgrade. There might be others. I enjoy discussing sex, touching and her desires so this was a fun exercise for me.
Conversation is vital. Honesty is vital. Compromise is vital.
What I found interesting is when I created this impromptu list is how much I've grown in recent years to think about the topic in terms of all of my senses and my imagination. For most of my life, there were only two, one being my imagination (and it wasn't all that good because I didn't have a clue about the range of options).
I haven't been here in several days because I was unable to access the Internet. However, I profited a lot by contemplating this list after posting it. Interestingly enough, the chart is not entirely different than my own–except from a man's perspective. However, I'm in pursuit of music I've lost, starting with, "All I need is the Air that I Breathe, and to Love you!" My wife taught me the dolphin song. Time to create the lost playlist.
The other piece is understanding I need to work at what doesn't necessary turn me on. But because it does excite my partner, I'm interested! Hopefully, my feelings will eventually follow.
Remember to protect yourself and your partner, but do press your limits. Some pictures are private and need to stay that way, but not so private that they aren't shared with your partner. Secure sexting could be a lot of fun! However, first try protecting something that if it got out into the public or semi-public domains it would not harm you or your partner in anyway. It can be done, but security experts test their practices before using them.
Finally, don't let one feature about yourself cause you to take all your toys and go home. I don't have hardly any pictures of my wife because she doesn't like her nose. In reality, I never notice and think she's hot anyway! Secure sexting could be a lot of fun! Like everyone else, I'm seeing a whole person, not a body part to the exclusion of everything else. After all, my wife loves me despite my flaws.
As for sucking a realistic dildo, in my research I found most women don't like fellatio, but they do it anyway because it makes their partner happy. However, the unstated standard from a man's perspective seems to be deep-throating. Like any other skill, it must be practiced. I figured out and was told this one is really tough to do! Instructional videos say as much. However, because I know that, I know how to help her go as far as she is comfortable with–now and later. To enjoy fellatio does not require deep-throating. It doesn't have to be all or nothing! Like everything else, grow with it as a couple. Now that I understand what's involved, my expectations are more realistic. It's not one extreme or the other. It's a developed skill on a continuum. As for my wife's Want-Will-Won't list, I expect it to be either in her will or won't categories. If it gets in the Will column, we'll work on it together. Seems like a reasonable approach to all elements on the chart!
Stay curious!