Single Guy Wants to Let Loose
I’m a single guy in my mid-twenties. I’m still a virgin. I was sexual with an ex once, but we didn’t have intercourse.
I feel like I’m at the end of the rope sometimes. I’m trying to date, but it’s not going anywhere, and I’m not going to rush into a marriage just so I can have sex (that would be silly). But at the same time, I’m going to be honest, I wonder why I try sometimes.
When I was a little younger, I use to go online and talk to women and get to know them, sometimes those conversations would turn sexual. I also watched porn. I loved to openly talk with women about likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. Sometimes we would share erotic videos we liked with each other. I never developed any fetishes but did really enjoy it. But then I started to feel this was wrong and so I stopped.
Well, I miss it. Honestly, It helped me feel less lonely, and it also just felt GOOD. I liked seeing sex, I liked to see couples kissing each other, holding each other, caressing each other. I loved to see the man slide inside of the woman he was with. I loved to hear the wet squishy sounds as he went inside her.
I liked talking with women, I liked talking to them while I touched myself, I liked that they enjoyed the conversation. I liked that sometimes they would send me pictures or turn their camera on so I could look at them. It helped stave off the sexual frustration, the loneliness, and it was a thrill if I’m to be honest.
All of that said, though, I don’t know right from wrong anymore. Is masturbation wrong? Is erotica wrong? Is porn wrong? Is sexual interaction wrong? Is anything but PIV allowed? I’m a frustrated guy, and I just want to unleash all my sexual desires and engage in them within the online context. To watch videos, to masturbate, to interact. Yet I don’t know if I should or not. To my mind, there are solid arguments both for and against.
It all comes down to belief. Vast majority of people find nothing wrong with enjoying those things. Since you still are a virgin, apparently you think there is something wrong about sex. I am not a big fan of guilt. This site is about married sex so I won’t advocate having sex before marriage even though almost everyone does. But if you enjoy watching and talking about sex while masturbating I see no reason not to do it. Apparently you think there might be.
its a really frustrating topic. Because there are multiple motivations going on.
1) I'm in my mid 20's, lonely, and so horny all the time that I can't even begin to describe it. the behavior helps me feel less lonely.
2)I wish I could find that type of interaction with another christian where we could openly talk and even be sexual in the way I described in the original post, but online and anyonomasly. its the only place I'm comfortable exploring and being that explictily open about stuff.
3) its not horribly hard to find that with someone online, but it takes time, effort, energy and I don't really want to put the energy in just to talk to someone that I know I have nothing else in common with.
Maybe it would be better for you to turn that energy toward making real friendships that could grow into more or even introduce you to your future bride. Don't get me wrong; I think masturbation and open communication about sex can be a good thing. Just don't let it distract you from or substitute for real realtionships. That's one of the potential drawbacks of porn and erotica, where real relationships can't measure up because they take work and compromise and love. Try not to get them in the wrong order of importance.
I’m no prude. If you had said you had a long distance relationship and wanted to send naked pics and have phone sex, I most likely would say, “OK, sure, if that’s good for both of you, go for it.” But I’m not sure if I feel the same about your questions. I don’t think that feeling less lonely is a way you can create a moral case. Dating is difficult for a lot of people. But you’d be better off hanging out in the real world (grocery store, concerts, library, church events, local sports, the gym, plays, arcade, sports bars, karaoke, open mic nights, etc) than being holed up in your apartment all night looking at webcams and porn. If anything, maybe you “let loose” just one night a week, so you don’t isolate yourself with a very addictive behavior every day.
WakaWaka123
I love your honesty, transparency, and the trust you place in all of us here at MH. I know the things that will be shared with you will be a great blessing, and I look forward to what many will speak into your life on the excellent questions you pose.
I will begin by quoting Paul: Romans 14:22 The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats (etc.), because the eating (etc.) is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.
So how do you apply his words to your life? First, if I understand him correctly, I think he is referring to the role of one's conscience. I wish I could share with you a long article I just wrote on the subject of the Conscience, but I suspect others here are already weary by my overly long posts, so I'll try to keep this one much shorter than a full article. But, I believe one's conscience is the key to your questions. Can you enjoy what you desire to enjoy without violating your conscience? Your conscience is comprised of several sources of norms and standards:
1) It comes pre-programmed by God with the basic core elements of His standards for godliness – per Romans 2:
Romans 2:14 For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. 15 They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them.
2) Our consciences experience changes and adjustments – some accurate and some inaccurate – as we live our lives. People express their norms and standards for life and they either make sense to us and we incorporate them into our God-given norms and standards, or they don't ring true and we reject them. Over time our consciences represent a composite of several sources of input.
Unfortunately, not all the standards we inherit from others are correct. BUT, if they are in our conscience, I believe we should respect them until we know they are not of God. When we begin to sense that some of them may be more "man-made" than "God-inspired" that's where we study His Word in great depth, we talk with others, we pray, and we listen to His inward voice. Over time some of those norms and standards prove to be incorrect and we replace them with new and better ones.
However, in many cases, even though we have studied, prayed, received counsel, and believe some of our previous convictions were more man-made than God-inspired and have attempted to walk in some new standards for our lives, we still feel uncertain, nervous, even somewhat worried that we may have replaced them just because we wanted new liberties to satisfy our flesh. But, if you have done your study and you are as certain as you can be that God has led you to accept some new standards for your life that give you permissions for things you previously found no permission for, you simply move into those new standards cautiously, keeping them open before God, and understand that eventually, your discomfort will resolve if God was indeed the One leading you to adjust those standards.
A defiled conscience is a conscience that we "know" we are violating but want what we want and we're going to do it anyway. A sensitive conscience is a conscience that we have offered to God, as regards the things we believe He is leading us to change in that conscience but we are new enough in it that it takes time for peace to settle in. To defile one's conscience is to "sear" it, and this is NEVER good. But to give a newly adjusted conscience time to grow in peace and security with the changes is normal. The fact that others may not agree with your new standards, even those you hold in high regard, is insufficient reason to give up what you have settled on before God. Church history is full of examples of well-meaning theologians, teachers, and pastoral figures who simply got things wrong. We cling to the essential truths and wrestle with all the rest until we find peace in God, and then hold them between yourself and God personally and privately if necessary.
Sooo, brother, only you and Jesus can ultimately do the hard work of settling which norms and standards in your conscience are of Him, which are of man, and gently walk in the truth as you see it in Jesus.
God bless you in your journey…You will be in my prayers.
It is all a matter of opinion. Right or wrong. Many sex acts, including porn were once illegal. They were dumb laws. Unless you find your actions are harming you or someone else, and you enjoy doing them? Just do it.
I would only caution that God knows better than we do what will hurt us or others in the long run. His foresight is 20/20, while usually only our hindsight is.
WW123,
Great post. Seems like the Lord has you right where he wants you, meaning He is allowing you to wrestle with the tension between following Him or just giving into your unbridled desires. The Lord made you a sexual man and He is asking you to follow His commands in being that sexual man. Being a follower of Christ who pursues bibical sexuality is definitely a "lamp on a hill" in this day and age.
I recommend you dig into 1Corinthians 7. Study it, pray over it, find some godly men to discuss it with. In this chapter the Apostle Paul clearly lays out two callings. Some are called to be married and some are called to be single. I think your top priority is work that part of your salvation out with fear and trembling. Once you accept your calling that will help focus your efforts. Not claiming this will be quick or easy but I think essential.
FYI – I was called to be married 25 years ago and still the Lord uses our sexuality among other areas to conform my wife and I into His image.
Blessings.
I’m a little late to the conversation here, but I relate to much of how you feel. There comes a point when it’s hard to see the value in waiting, and even harder to figure out your personal beliefs on some of the gray areas such as porn. People older and wiser than me have made some good points, but here are my thoughts.
God made sex, and He made it good, and He designed it for the context of marriage. What He didn’t do was leave explicit directions for those of us who have a high sex drive and no immediate expectation of a spouse. Quite frankly, it’s one of the biggest challenges I’ve experienced in my spiritual life.
I would encourage you to be careful about letting the feelings of loneliness and sexual frustration get mixed up with each other. Both are legitimate, and I do realize that they are often interconnected in a marriage, but in my experience trying to use a sexual connection to fill that lonely void is unfulfilling and leaves me feeling even more lonely and confused. I’ve found that when I can separate and recognize the two, it’s much easier to meet those needs in healthy and godly ways. If I’m lonely, I get lunch with a friend from church. If I’m sexually frustrated, I masturbate. If those wires get crossed, I end up feeling even more hopeless about whichever issue had me worked up in the first place.
I will be praying for you to have wisdom about your decisions, whichever way you choose.
SexyLadyInWaiting,
Separating feelings of loneliness and sexual frustration and then handling them accordingly is something that never crossed my mind. I agree, one without the other is manageable but the two together can be a hazy storm to weather. Thanks for introducing another way to approach singleness. I pray that God continues to grace you in your walk of purity and is sending a Sexy Gentleman In Waiting your way!