Different Libidos, Common Ground?
(L) – This post contains strong language.
Hey MH people. I need some advice on how to meet in the middle with different sex drives. Has anyone overcome this?
My husband and I are mid-thirties and have different sex drives. I have ALWAYS been up for sex, and my husband needs everything to be good to be in the mood.
We got together young and we’ve been married for twelve years now, together eighteen. And he has always been a few times a month frequency person, just one time in a day. I read stories on here about how people consider ten days without sex to be a long drought, and it makes me so envious!
Life has been busy and stressful, including career changes and trying to have kids. He was at a horrible job for eight of years that put him in the worst mood. I think that was a huge part of it. He left that place now and is a lot happier. When we did have sex it was magical. It lasted forever, his erection was rock solid, we did a bunch of positions. If it was up to me I would be fucked multiple times a day.
We have a son now who’s one year old. After having a baby I thought I would just be ruined for sex. I still have some pelvic floor soreness but it’s a lot better and I’m trying to strengthen it with exercise. That being said, sex is important to me and I thought I would never have that again. Eventually my drive came back and it didn’t hurt anymore. It was like coming back from war, and when it finally worked I just want to enjoy it as much as I can.
I got a vibrator to curb the desire a bit. I don’t watch porn, I just use my imagination of our greatest hits and use MH stories. This has helped a lot, but also made it worse. When I start feeding this desire again, I want it more and more. He’s the opposite and the longer it is, the more built up sexual energy he gets. For me there’s a point where I forget about sex and don’t want it anymore, right about the time he gets randy for it. So it’s this kind of vicious cycle of getting everything I want and then being starved again.
After we had a baby he started to respond to my requests. Not just sex, but things we always wanted to do he’s actually doing now. Working out, eating healthy, meal prep, etc. He got super into lifting weights and now he’s all muscles and it makes me want him even more! I’m trying to get in shape but it’s taking a minute. We agreed to start scheduling sex two or more times a week. It’s been a couple weeks since we started that. The first week we had sex twice, and the second week we had sex once. The last few times it’s been okay, but not great. The trouble is, I think because we’ve upped the frequency, his erections aren’t as hard as I would like, or don’t last as long as I’d like. But he’s trying. Will he adapt, or is this just the result of more frequency?
For me, I’m back in a tortured state of being incredibly turned on and I’m losing him early. I’ve tried to ask him what he wants from our sex life, but he always said he’s fine. I try to wear different outfits or set the mood and he said he doesn’t need any of that, he just wants me. Which is sweet be also kind of frustrating. “So there’s NOTHING I can wear, or do to get you more in the mood?” I’m just completely helpless.
I’m thinking if he went on ED meds it would strengthen his erection and he could keep up with my frequency. But I can’t think of a kind way to ask him to get some without sounding like a complete jerk. “Hey hun, I know you’ve been trying to satisfy me. But you just can’t, so can you go on viagra please?” Every kind version I come up with sounds like that in my head. I don’t have the words but I think this would be a good solution to at least try. How can I ask him without him being offended?
He’s still a young guy of 36, and he’s getting erections. They’re just a little weak at times. Should I give it a month? Two months before I ask him? He did mention a fond memory of us 69ing and wanted to try that again. I think his plan is to make me cum with a vibrator and oral a few times before we have sex so we’re more likely to finish together. Which I really appreciate.
I think about sex all time lately. I’m masturbating almost daily, reliving our highlights in my head. Why would God give me these feelings if they’re just meant to torture me? Why would he put me with a man who doesn’t want it as much as me? I love my husband, and he is a sweet and kind man. And he says he wants sex more too, but I think it’s more like a healthy habit to him instead of a primal need.
Can I bring him up to my level? Or will he bring me down to his? I guess I’m looking for some hope, and solutions to different libidos. What do I do in the meantime? I thought I could wear myself out but I think it’s just upping my stamina. Is there any 100% approved man turn ons out there? Are there other men out there who want it less?
Any thoughts (about any of this) would be appreciated.
This is a common problem for many married couples. Including my Melody n I. We finally went to a married team of sex therapists.
When we both were working we were too tired to have sex super frequently. We did it 1-2 times a week or less. Then when we retired I thought we could have sex nearly everyday but my wife was not in agreement.
What worked for us was a schedule. I see you’ve tried that. Possibly modifying the schedule to have full sex a bit less frequently would help him stay harder.
With heart failure and medication side effects I don’t always stay as hard as I’d like to. But we have learned to be happy with what we still CAN do sexually.
Another thing that’s worked for us is that on off days (when full sex isn’t scheduled) my wife gives me an orgasm nearly every morning. She sucks on my nipple and I masturbate to orgasm using a male stroker or just my hand. Maybe you could use your vibrator as your husband sucks etc on your nipples.
In sex therapy my therapist said to me, “We are sex therapists. My wife n I love sex! But you are having sex more frequently than WE are.”
This helped me learn to be grateful. My wife n I worked out our sex schedule frequency and we both gave a little. Like you, I could do it twice a day every day. Melody was a once a week type of girl. We negotiated to every two days but she’d usually only go for an orgasm every other time. This worked for several years.
A couple of years ago we went to a bit less frequently. (Every 3 days) This was due to advancing health problems. We have recently modified it again but we still make love every 3-5 days if a health issue doesn’t interfere.
We also negotiated fellatio or blow jobs. They aren’t Melody’s favorite activity but she’s gotten very skilled at it. We used to quarrel about it. Melody now gives me oral sex on holidays, birthdays, and on our anniversary or other special occasions (like on a cruise). Sometimes she’ll surprise me with a freebie!
About lingerie… I love seeing my wife in uber sexy lingerie. She usually feels it’s unnecessary but she’s given it a try and can really enjoy it sometimes.
Every couple is different but I hope this was helpful.
I have to say, LM, that I appreciate the wisdom in your comments. On the surface, things like scheduling and negotiating seem very non-sexy, but in the end when these things are put into practice, you and Melody have a very fulfilling sex life.
If more couples would take these steps, mutual satisfaction would inevitably be more abundant in more marriages.
I also think it’s funny that you were having more sex than your sex therapists. 😂 Hopefully, you presented them with a challenge that they rose to meet. 😉
I have been thinking about you and I want to add that together seeing a marriage therapist or/& sex therapist can make a huge difference for many of us. Getting some individual counseling can be helpful as well. Be sure they have both Christian values and that they are sex-positive.
Also, I know a young couple in your age group who married just a few years ago at 30. Due to the husband’s health issues he has always needed Viagra for them to make love. There is no shame in this. It is just treating a medical issue. I may one day go on Viagra if my heart can handle it. For now we enjoy long foreplay and short sexual intercourse. Or I could say “prolonged playing & fast fucking. 😏
Hi Sapphire,
I’m sorry for your situation and I feel your pain through your post.
It sounds like your relationship is good apart from your different libidos, so it might be helpful to suggest some counseling.
MH offers a link to some free classes that might help, even if you took them on your own at first. One or more of them might give you some insight on how to change things.
I can tell you as a man that stress is a libido killer. You said that he had changed jobs and was happier, but other things can cause stress. (Money, life goals unreached, family issues, him just not feeling like he’s “it” on some level…etc)
Men won’t tell you this, but he needs your approval. It’s just something that’s ingrained in us. We need to feel that our wives believe in us as a man. I’m not saying you aren’t doing that, I’m just naming things that are general to men.
If none of those things are it, there could be an underlying physical issue. High blood pressure or low testosterone are the primary culprits. Low T is very treatable under the care of a Urologist or family practitioner.
As far as a 100% man turn on, that may differ from man to man. Has he ever mentioned any kinks? (Dominance and submission, exhibitionism, panty hose, pretty feet, just to name a few) The list of things that turn guys on is nearly endless. If he’s ever complimented you on a certain dress, a certain makeup style, nail color, flirty action, the way you look in a bikini, or whatever, it means he likes it and it turns him on.
I know it can feel frustrating when you feel you’re the only one taking action, and I’m sorry.
There may not be a quick turnaround here, but with thoughtful prayer and systematic steps, you can get your man’s attention.
My prayer for you is that God will guide you and him into a mutual understanding and fulfilling sex life.
Cheers – KM
So, I have a similar post scheduled to go up on the 30th. I don’t have the answers but I do know communication has helped my wife and I and it sounds like you are communicating so that’s good. I have just always had a way higher drive than her. We have sex twice a week and it is scheduled for the most part which is just how it is sometimes when you are raising a family. One suggestion I have is that you may increase his interest by sort of not bringing it up for a few days, sort of like people want what they can’t have kind of thing. As to suggesting he get on ED meds I think it might be early for that and could offend him. If it were me I would look into more natural substances like Shilajit that you could suggest you both take to increase libido. Just a few thoughts for what it’s worth, but yes I do understand the frustration of needing way more sex than your spouse and I haven’t fully figured it out either.
I don't know how to up your hubbies libido.
Other than talking with him and getting him thinking about sex more.
Get him reading MH, read stories together.
I do want to praise you for masturbating yourself.
And encourage you to masturbate openly, and masturbate yourself more.
Did your husband start taking any kinds of supplements when he got into weight lifting?
Off the top of my head I don’t know if there’s any that are known to cause issues with erections, just something I thought about when reading your post.
A lot of good advice here, I think I'd echo that some form of couples counseling would be a good idea, but it sounds to me like his T-levels might be low too. This is something that your husband HAS to be OK taking care of, if there are health problems that are affecting you guys' marriage. It's unfair to you, 1 Corinthians 7:5 applies to men as much as it applies to women!
The thing is, it's probably something that you can't just nag him about until he capitulates, because it won't do the same thing for him as it would to you, it's bound to cause resentment over time.
I've read a few books that deal with things like navigating libido disparities and I'm sure it's not easy. SECRETS OF SEX & MARRIAGE by Shaunti Feldhahn comes to mind. I think a lot of men dream of a wife who wants sex more than they do, but the reality is that with any wide disparity, someone is going to feel very unfulfilled and resentful and I'd hate to put my wife in that position if I do get married. So take my advice with a grain of salt, because I'm not!
Right now, I want it less than my wife, but I think it's more of a problem with how she trained them to sleep in our bed. I am all about the cry it out method but she would always bring them in there. I finally got the two year old to sleep in her bed by lying down with her until she falls asleep. Then I go to our bedroom and the wife has allowed the four year old to fall asleep who will start screaming if I carry her out and wake up the two year old. Then, each day, she gets after me because we aren't doing it. I tell her when am I supposed to do that when you have kids in our bed all the time. I can't even do it if we lock them out and they are beating on our door. It just creeps me out. The whole thing is a turn off.
The other recent setback is another pregnancy from back when I gave it to her real nice and proper last November. 😂. She spent the first month and a half feeling awful so, even when we had a moment, she couldn't. Then we did it a few times and it was great.
But then we went to Disney and stayed at the resort. Kids were always around and there was no way to do it.
Since returning, I have been game a few times but constant kids around, her falling asleep early, and my own stressors get in the way. Life happens.
Back to your issue:
I think horny women are built differently than many horny men. A horny man might get himself all worked up and take care of himself. He loses all those nutrients that he must replenish. The urge is gone for the day. Women seem to become even more energetic after a good orgasm. Is it possible he is masturbating like you and can't get as hard afterwards? Maybe he should quit that if he is.
Or maybe he's like me when it comes to stress. When I am stressed, I don't like to be touched. It's almost painful. I usually deliver the best performance when most relaxed.
If none of that works, I have one more solution. Try ultimate closeness when he is not so hard. Sometimes if I come before my wife, I can still give her an orgasm by remaining inside her but pressing my groin firmly into hers and grinding. In fact, I often employ that technique when still hard as a rock. It allows some clitoral stimulation and she cums. As I am deeper and doing less work with my cock, it's not as painful to it and I can keep going a bit.
Oral is fine but my wife will come in my face and it will just make her want my cock inside her more. So she'll wait a bit and still demand I cum inside her.
All that said, I am not unhappy and certainly would like to do her more, but life happens. Sometimes sexual needs come second or even third. At times, I'll catch my eyes a wandering and then I remember, not only is that a sin, but extremely hurtful, and I would almost assuredly knock up another woman that would make everyone angry and disrupt the family. Vows mean something.
So yeah. It's difficult. Perhaps add some steamed beets to his diet and other magnesium rich food. It could just be a matter of resupplying his payload.
I have heard so many people say that there need to be hard boundaries about children sleeping in their own beds, and it seems like your wife needs this boundary too!
Sapphire's husband going down on her sounds like something that could really help, if he's not in the mood for full sex. Or at least having him involved in some way while she's masturbating.
FM, I agree on that one! Yes, it is really hard to listen to your children crying (it was hard enough for me when I would hear my niece), but they will eventually learn to stop and go to sleep. Letting children sleep in bed with parents sounds dangerous anyway, especially if they're infants. It would be too easy to smother them unknowingly.
There are some other supplements like l-citrulline and arginine that can help in boosting nitric oxide in the blood which can increase blood flow. Weight lifters often use this because they get a better pump but it can have other benefits.
As far as approaching him, possibly considering trying to inspire him as you talk to him about it. Tell him how crazy you are for him and accept him for where he is at but at the same time you can ask if he has any ideas how you can have more of him. It is definitely a fine line to walk where you want to hear him and his thoughts around it. If he is self conscious about it, hear him and support him and be sure not to judge him or imply in any way he isn't enough. Maybe even feed that into chatgpt as a prompt to provide a guide for discussion and remove any accusatory or harsh language.
This is a tough topic. I've thought a lot about this as a single woman, praying that my libido would be a good complement to my future husband's. From what the married couples on here say, a sex schedule does sound reasonable. Also, I'd suggest looking up "soft sex" or the "karezza technique". It can be an alternative if your husband isn't fully hard and it focuses more on intimacy than orgasms. And it might be that his T levels need to be checked.
Oh, I forgot to say this about T levels: because of all the pollution today, the modified food, the medications we take and the toxins and microplastics in chemicals and body products, men's T levels are WAY lower than they ever have been. The food and lifestyle of today is literally messing with masculinity. I saw a great documentary about that. Make sure you and your family take all the steps you can to eat clean and healthy and use natural products. It sounds like you both are working on health and fitness. That is great. Keep it up! As someone who has health problems due to toxin-caused illness, I am really trying to be as healthy and organic as I can.
If it hasn't been mentioned already I suggested having his testosterone checked.
I'm in the same boat for mismatched libidos. My wife could go a month without sex. I crave it every other day and she knows but we can't ever seem to get there, then when are able to bump the frequency it feels obligatory on her end.
Just recently I found out my testosterone is low, not bad but on the low side of normal. She mentioned doing the treatments to bump it up, but that will just make me want it more and create more frustration in our sex life. :/
I have a much higher libido than my wife. I need good quality sex at least 3 times a week and most weeks we have at least 2 but not always quality.
For myself, if I caught my wife using her dildo, I would be hard instantly so maybe you could call your hubby up so he catches you playing with yourself. Something else you could consider is, get a really big dildo and get him to use it on you with lots of lube and shave bald if you don't already.
Give him oral until he ejaculates in your moth and then jump on him.
Lastly, you could arrange a babysitter for a night, go to a nice hotel and pack Viagra, sex toys, red lipstick and lingerie.
Great advice from the community. I only have a couple of things to add:
1. We have all assumed the best of your relationship with your husband and definitely pray for the best. That being said, I must ask: does your husband use porn? Is it possible he is releasing his sexual energy without you? I certainly am not accusing him but I don’t want to assume that everyone realizes how this would affect desire and performance.
2. Have you tried cock rings? We use them in our lovemaking and it takes hardness to the next level. My wife and I both enjoy. You could take an opportunity to buy yourself something (clitoral suction) and him a cock ring. I would start here before talking about ED medicine.
3. Expectations: this site usual gives the highlight reels of sex in marriage. We all want the mountaintop experiences but life with work and kids makes it tough. Counseling should help create a schedule of satisfaction while also setting time apart to shoot for the moon (like your previous story)
4. It is fine to ask “Why would God?” but please don’t stay there. The Psalmist asks this question many times but usually ends by trusting and leaning into God despite the disappointment and struggle of life. Preach the Gospel to yourself. In honest reflection of my disappointments in life I can never get past asking “Why would God pay the price for my sin? Why would he ransom me? Why would he choose me?” These are the “why’s” that shake our lives. Because he loves me. It doesn’t make the struggle easy but it does help me to lean into Him more than if I end my “why would God” with the disappointment in life.
Not all men want sex as much as or more than their wives. I used to work with a couple of guys that said they were fine with sex 3 or 4 times a month! But one guy said his wife wanted it almost daily and he didn't.
One solution is the higher drive spouse always asks for sex first and if they are turned down, they are free to masturbate when they need to. No shame in that. I know it's not "real" sex, but it is better than nothing.
Why would God give me these feelings if they’re just meant to torture me? – Seems like you & I are in the same boat. My wife & I have only had 3 sexual encounters so far this year. It can go longer, too. Lately, I have been a bit more flirty with her, without pushing to have sex. I have seen her get a little more responsive during this time. Even excusing herself from our daughter to come give me a blow job. Yet, she still said she would start, but I may have to finish myself. Meaning she would go back to our daughter if I wasn't quick enough. I want sex, in some way, at anytime. Probably, 1-3 times a week would be my minimum. I often ask & get told no. I am not sure that people like us can blame God for our sexual feelings though. There is no set amount of sex that God approves. His standard is not to deny. With that, I know your husband, & my wife, are sinning when they deny us our due. God is very pro sex in marriage. Yet, He calls us to be like Him when relating to others. There is a standard, but we all don't live up to it. Where you are right to be sexual, you also live up to some wrong, too. It's this way for all of us. So, blaming God can be misplaced when we are the gatekeeper. We are the override for any behavior, or desire we have. In relating to your husband it would be ideal that he come up to your speed. Yet, God may want you to slow down, too.
Why would he put me with a man who doesn’t want it as much as me? – I am not a believer that God puts marriages together. We can be so high that we believe this. That our marriage is a match made in Heaven. But, we choose our spouse, our marriage. God does allow us, & He won't stop us unless He has a real reason to. Israel insisted on a king when He knew it was wrong. They insisted, so He let them. Often, we insist thinking it feels like Heavensent. That doesn't mean you married the wrong guy. We are free to marry, in the Lord, who we want. Unfortunately, as marriage goes on we start to see where we differ. The point is God means for us to work hard at being like Him towards others. This most definitely means our spouse.
Can I bring him up to my level? Or will he bring me down to his? – Yes. But, none of us got where we are over night. This is a long game & we can't expect instant change. Plus, would God say going down to his level be so bad? Ideally, he wants what you want when you want. But, is that reasonable? If it is not reasonable for your husband to expect you to come down to his level, then the reverse isn't anymore fair. I personally have found in my marriage that the other will not change their tradition. I don't take this personal anymore, since she shows me in some ways she loves me & does want to have sex with me. And, incredible sex is still had, at times, for both of us. Seek out Jesus' answer. Does He want you to get your way? God can change a heart, but He won't unless the person is seeking it. Sometimes God doesn't have anything to work with. In that case we need to make sure we are blameless, & not sinning in anger.
I guess I’m looking for some hope, and solutions to different libidos. – I would not make sex your hope. Hope in Christ. Don't neglect your calling as woman, wife, & mother while seeking sexual satisfaction. Yes, sex should be there. But, how does Jesus handle us when we don't behave up to His standards? He went to the cross. He offers forgiveness to save even His enemies. He instructs us to pray & do good for enemies, too. If you're like me, my denying wife sometimes seems like an enemy. Peace is more important than sex.
What do I do in the meantime? – I have developed a somewhat solo context to my sexual imagination. First, I share all thoughts with God. All emotional tirades & celebrations. Then, I use opportune times to masturbate, & satisfy my mind & body. I wish I could develop this more, but I have to work with what I can get. I don't masturbate as much as I used to. Since, my wife is not into sex as much as me my libido has come down a little, & sex isn't as fun, so I do have less enthusiasm for it. But, I still do masturbate. I do let my mind wander into what some would say is sin, yet I am conscious of it, & in 30+ years of my mindful thoughts I have never felt the urge to pursue any sin. I am not lusting, nor am I tempted to go outside of my marriage. And, I do prayerfully seek God's instruction & help for this while reading His word to know where we stand.
I thought I could wear myself out but I think it’s just upping my stamina. Is there any 100% approved man turn ons out there? – Variety is huge for me. Lord willing I still get hard at the most vanilla sex because any sex is good sex, to me. But, I would sport a woody 24 hrs a day, everyday, if I saw variety in every way. Not just positions, or different acts. Variety means change up the attitude, confidence, & playful flirting, & wantonness, too. Something that gets my wife's attention is when I make her the object of my ache. I mentioned her last blow job. I was texting her previous. I told her she could come & suck my dong. She replied shooing me away. I then told her that just her texting me got me hard, & my cock hurt for her. She said, ok, & came up. I notice she perks up when I act, or show, that she takes my breath away. I text her, or lean into her ear, or say something allowed in public, or tell a waitress/waiter something that makes her know she has me on the verge of taking her right there. That old fashioned, old school way of letting her know when I see her I am literally hot for teacher.
I hope this helps. I know it's not the most fun reply. Yet, God always has a purpose for us to go through trouble. Seek Jesus first. You love God more, you'll love husband more.
It’s hugely unfair that a husband or wife withholds sex from their spouse, and it’s pure physical and psychological torture for the one being denied.
When we married many decades ago, never once heard of any husband who had the lower sex drive. Always was the husband's sex drive that drove their sexual encounters. So, something is up. This is going to sound kind of conspiratorial, but some say the multi-vaccines in one shot that came out in the late 80s has caused it.
Another thing is the Framington study in Massachusetts in the 90s showed men's testosterone rapidly falling year over year. Everyone wants to rush to conclusions that stuff is being put in our food, water, in plastics, etc. Not sure. [Note from MH moderators: While these could be relevant issues, everyone please avoid devolving the conversation into a debate about such things.]
Then there are the studies that show when men feel defeated, their testosterone plummets. That can and does happen when they lose a game, lose a job, a business fails, but also when they're being put down by women. When women respect a man, it goes a long way to ramp up his testosterone (Ephesians 5:33 "To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband").
I remember reading about a Christian man whose business failed. When he came home, he was terribly defeated. His wife took him into their bedroom. He said it was amazing sex what she did for him. Then during the afterglow, he perked up and started planning his next steps. His wife didn't use words to get her husband to feel better. Instead, she respected him as the man he was knowing full well what his male body really needed. No doubt she helped his testosterone return to his normal level.
Not sure if that helps. But there's a lot to be said concerning the wife's ability to exercise her authority over her husband's body and give him the respect he deserves because he is the man.
But since God is all about the husband's and wife's sexual unity, if you go to God about it, guaranteed He will answer.
We are assuredly on the older spectrum of readers as we are both in our early 70’s and have had a wonderful intimate life together. After the early years of our marriage, through the raising of children and into the empty nest year, the temperature of our intimate relationships changed, which from my experience, is normal.
My intimate needs remained strong, while my wonderful wife’s declined. For a number of years she allowed my sexual advances, but eventually it came out that she was feeling “sexually used “, which hurt more than I can explain.
She still found pleasure in our intimate connections, just didn’t need them like I did. We tried a number of things but I still needed sex with her and although sex was pleasurable for her, she didn’t need it nearly as often. We tried only having sex when she needed or wanted it for several years. She was happy and content sexually but I struggled. To cope I started masturbating. No porn, no fantasies besides those of her. Just my attempt to satisfy my need for sexual release. But when she found out, she was hurt and viewed it as both as cheating on my part, and hurt on herself for not pleasing me sexually. We struggled for several more years until a counselor friend suggest we try using a male chastity devise to help curb my sexual need and to provide a tool that enabled her to be guilt free because we could share intimately in non-penile intimacy without those intimate connections being able to move into intercourse, which she didn’t need. I learned how intimacy didn’t always require my penis penetrating her.
Slowly over the last 10 years or so, she has come to once again need penetrative sex more often, and I have discovered a level os sex pleasure and satisfaction without having an erection or having to ejaculate. She manages our sexual activities, and I spend 90% of the time on a chastity appliance.
As strange as it may sound, I stay aroused nearly all the time, but have no direct outlet for that except to apply that energy to the whole of our lives and our marriage. I know I wouldn’t want to go back as our love life is passionate and alive, and there are intimate elements in every day., Our very different libido’s are synchronized with us both happy, sexually active, content and satisfied. She provides me daily with some sort of sexual arousal, and I no longer pressure her for intercourse, but we share it when she too desires, wants, and needs it. It just works for us. And no one knows that I’m locked in love’s chastity jewelry, but they comment on how obvious our love is and how much our love shows. I like that!
"If it was up to me I would be fucked multiple times a day."
—————–
That quote blew my mind. When I was that age, if my first wife had simply said that, then she would have gotten it. And the next day. And the day after that….
It simply boggles my mind that a wife could want sex more than her husband, and that he does not give it to her. If I had a wife with a sex drive higher than mine (cue the "Mission Impossible" music…), then I would still offer to help her get some relief in other ways (oral, watch her masturbate for me, even let her hump my leg if she wanted). So, I'm beside myself trying to figure out what will help that husband to "perform his marital duty".
I have some ideas about what might be blocking his desire, but that is my ex-cop mind going into some of the dark corners of human psychology and behavior.