Helping the Butterflies Take Flight
I always find it heartwarming when I come to this site and see how much love and excitement there is for being married. It is a very inspiring place that I come to now and again when looking for new ideas for my bride and me. This particular post is more a question to everyone rather than a story, though: Have there ever been times where you haven’t necessarily lost passion in the bedroom, but that sense of excitement and freshness you used to feel? Remember the butterflies, like you were running without chains on for the first time?
When I decided that M (my wife) would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with, it was the best choice I’ve ever made, next to accepting Jesus as my Savior. That was almost 6-1/2 years ago. I was a virgin of 24 years, and while my wife was not, she has always told me that sex with me was so different than anyone she’d been with before she got saved. She would always tell me that, with us, it was the first time she ever really made love, that she ever felt any real connection with anyone.
So, when we got married after only dating two months, we made sure to explore every facet of lovemaking we could. We’ve both always been very sexual people with strong desires. When we were single, we would both feel guilty whenever we’d touch ourselves or think about sex. So, when we wed, we got to experience a whole new world together. We talked about it, researched it, and even encouraged the exploration of our bodies separately from each other so that we could share how to please one another better when we were together. We would talk for hours about sex.
Once we got through what many would call the “honeymoon phase” (which is a phrase I hate, but I lack a better one to use at the moment), we began experimenting with new positions. Every time we’d make love, we’d spend time looking for one that could be fun, and even if it didn’t go like we thought, just trying something new was so exciting. Then it was learning how to sext each other, and how to send each other pictures of the parts just for us, that only we got to see.
After that, we delved into each other’s fantasies. M and I are both pretty kinky, and when she told me that she wanted me to be more dominant in the bedroom, it was uncomfortable for me and yet an exciting new challenge. Learning more things my wife loved and craved, how to please and tease her in whole new ways, was such an exciting adventure. And of course, she melted for it, which would instantly awake something primal in me.
And so time has rolled on to the present day, where things are still as passionate between us as ever. However, I do feel like maybe things have gotten a bit stale. I’m not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever. It’s not like M and I don’t have sex; we do. It’s not like we don’t break out the kinky stuff from time to time, either. And we both still VERY much enjoy it. It just almost feels like “this is fun, but we’ve done this before.” I feel like I’ve been letting my bride down in the sense of romance and excitement in the bedroom and in our life in general. I’m not leading her to new stages in our relationship and sexuality together.
We both continue to speak each other’s love languages to each other. (M’s is physical touch and quality time; mine is physical touch and words of affirmation.) We still sext on and off, and we still send pictures (though maybe not quite as frequently as we used to.) I’ve even taken to spending A LOT of time learning more about the female anatomy so that I can try and please her in new ways and show her I’m trying to step up my game.
Are there any couples here that have gone through this before? Is this a normal progression for a healthy married couple, or is there something new I could maybe try?
Thanks all for any help 🙂
Married MHers, what are your sexual plans for this Valentine's Day?
- Unlikely to. (45%, 33 Votes)
- Tried and true! (35%, 26 Votes)
- Something new! (20%, 15 Votes)
Total Voters: 74
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I’m going to say yes it’s normal. When you were first married ALL of it was new and exciting but as time goes on, it is natural that you “run out” of ideas. Personally, we are comfortably in the same place. Yes we are still passionate and we still pull out all the kinks occasionally. But mostly we simply enjoy the few positions and tricks that have become go-to. ? I hope that helps. And if I may ask, is there perhaps an underlying feeling of wondering if you are enough for her (bc you were a virgin and she wasn’t)? There is a pretty good story on here about that if you are interested, I’ll try to find it
Appreciate the response 🙂
I’m not really worried about my inexperience before we were married being a thing, so much as I just want to make sure I am still showing her I care enough to push myself and try new things for her. I feel I have a responsibility to grow in the bedroom with her, as much as I do outside of it, so I like to ensure that I am not getting lazy, but putting in the effort
This is not unusual. We've been married for 21 years and the passion is still there but we have to find ways to keep the newness. Examples of how we keep things fresh: quickies in semi-public places (never in the open but in places where there is technically a risk of getting caught), role-playing, homemade sex tapes, skinny dipping, anal, experimentation with different variations of positions, etc.
After 35 yrs we have had the same struggles with staleness. To fire things up we get intentional about turning up the heat, like having sex in the yard, in truck in parking lot, playing a game of restaurant roulette (on pieces of paper write down names of restaurants in town, draw one out). Sexy texting, little touches of each other throughout the day, role-playing, etc. Another game we play is Dominator; we have a object that we write the term "Dom" on, and we pass it back and forth, taking turns on different days to be in charge. The other spouse has to do what the Dom says to do. Its awesome that you're protecting the connection between each of you; listen to each other and hear their heart.
I am with WeldersWife. We all go through phases like that. I have enjoyed it on the rare occasion that my wife gets dominant and initiates sex for something different. We also have had sex in different places. We were both virgins when we married at 25. She was much more daring when it was all new. We had sex in my parent's hallway of their house (when no one was home, of course), in her parent's bed when they were home, in the loft at a family vacation in Colorado when there were 22 people in the room below sleeping and it was just us in the loft, etc. Cum play is really exciting for something different. Have ya'll ever tried that? It can spice things up. We all have peaks and valleys, so don't sweat it and have fun.
WeldersWife’s comments are right on point. You are at a level in your marriage where we all wonder if we have some how lost the “butterflies” in our relationship. We no longer wake up at 2:00 AM for sex or shower together until the hot water runs out or try to think of different ways to have sex. Sex in mature marriages changes from “making love” to enjoying love – from a physical act in itself to a fantastic part of a more wonderful emotion that grows more intense as the years pass. I don’t suggest that sexual enjoyment will be lost or minimized; more that it can change to a part of something richer. If you constantly thrive to recapture the “butterflies”, you will probably eventually fail and you could be missing out on the best part of sex.
I appreciate the comments and advice.
I actually wrote this a while back and have been waiting for it to post, and we’ve gotten the opportunity to discuss some of what I wrote about, and go about trying our hand at more role playing, dirty talking over text, and, as Texasman76 suggested, some fun cum play. I’ll definitely be remembering everyone’s suggestions and support!
Quite honestly I think you are doing it right. In the busyness of life be sure to take time to have sex and be sure to treat each other kindly. Looking for ways to spice things up is great too. But regular sex is still wonderful!
Good advice from all. I remember the butterflies. But we've been married too long.
My first marriage Valentine’s Day was considered a secular holiday. Created by and for card, flower and candy companies. Which is likely mostly true. My second it was to go that extra mile to show love for each other and later to try new things. Fire up sexual desire. Even things one or both were not comfortable doing. But most of our sex life was the “tried and true” just the two of us in bed some manual foreplay followed by PIV intercourse. Injecting some watching or being watched to spice things up never became the norm. Except for my more revealing attire. That was not so much connected to one day of the year, but a way to please and excite him.
Almost 35 years and still hot for each other. We have our times when things seem boring. All the example listed on other comments work. Doing something a bit daring and adventurous usually gets us back on track. Also we strive to improve in our skills of pleasing each other. He’s incredible at oral and he just keeps improving making little sutle changes that drive me wild. He says he wants to learn all he can about me so he can constantly improve. I want to do the same for him. That’s a great advantage of a long loving and trusting relationship
Forgive me, I know this post is several months old but my husband and I just finished a Bible study that was pretty good. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (there’s also a book). I only bring it up bc you mentioned you have been married 6 1/2 years and Gary makes a comment in the video that studies show it takes about 10 years for 2 spouses to truly see themselves as a unit instead of individuals and a “rough patch” or “dull patch” occurs in the years right before. He goes into it more than I can in a post so I recommend the study or book. What you describe, however, is very common and my husband and I also went through something similar.