Desperate for an Orgasm
My wonderful husband, who’s 32, and I, 27, have been married for four years. We waited to have sex until we were married. Having worked together for five years, four of those as a married couple, we have quickly sped through the newlywed phase with the exception of
1. our new life of living together once we were married, and
2. our leveled-up intimacy in finally being able to become one.
It’s not that my husband isn’t a wonderful lover! I just feel bad for never being in the mood, never having had an orgasm, and lacking excitement or anticipation for sex. (Too Much Information coming your way: I feel all the good things. I’m just scared of actually urinating on my spouse/bed. I have done my research and feel like I have tried everything.)
One of the things I am struggling with in all of this is comparing my marriage and sex life to others. Hearing that my Christian friends having orgasms and/or sex every night, etc. just makes me feel like I’m being punished. (It’s more confusing when they did not follow God’s design of sex being in marriage yet are blessed in that realm.)
I have prayed and invited God into our marriage bed, had conversations about sex, and done everything I can to help us grow in this part of our marriage. And I still feel as though there has been no progress.
Any and all advice is appreciated!! Thank you in advance!!
Disclaimers: I’m off my birth control to increase my libido. We do not have children. Everything is fair game except anal. We are so in love with each other as friends. I know we are faithful to God and each other. I have never been able to masturbate to orgasm. and we have been to marriage counseling but not regarding this topic.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
First off, there is nothing wrong with you. I know you must be frustrated with yourself as well as the situation, and that is understandable; heck, if I was never able to orgasm I would probably have a hard time being in the mood also! Speaking from my own experiences when I would have trouble either performing or finishing, I will tell you the same thing my wife would always tell me: Stop putting so much pressure on yourself, because all you’re doing is making it worse. The more you try and control it the worse it gets.
Are these feelings you’ve discussed with your husband? Again, speaking from experience, when I went through my issues I realized that the thoughts the enemy was putting in my head were not the actual thoughts running through my bride’s head. Instead, she was very understanding and supportive.
I have no clue if it would help at all, but whenever I was going through my struggles, I would make myself take time to think about my wife in sexy scenarios. I would think of all the things that attract me to her (emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically). I would look at pictures and videos she sent me, along with masturbating, to help me be in the mood for later. I started to realize it wasn’t about the orgasm, but about spending time with my spouse in such a special way.
I know this all comes from the perspective of a man, but I hope some of that will help in a small way. Praying for you.
You are doing a lot of things right! In your situation I would consider seeing a marriage / sex therapist with your husband and individually.
But I would also recommend trying out a vibrator. We bought a vibrator a couple of years into our marriage because I had early onset arthritis & my wife had a neurological disorder. It had become more and more difficult for her to reach orgasms and for me to manually stimulate her. The vibrator worked great! We have gone through several vibrators over our 30-year marriage. It was fun wearing those vibes out!
Our “go to” sex position has Melodie lie on her back and I lie on my side. Then I enter her while she buzzes her clitoris with her bullet vibe. We used to almost always have simultaneous orgasms this way, but lately, I usually come first and then love more on her nipples while she keeps using the vibe. She almost always comes this way. Often we also insert a G-spot vibe into her vagina too. So she uses the bullet vibrator on her clitoris while the G-spot vibe buzzes inside her beautiful pussy. I keep oral stimulation on her nipples too. This can give her intense orgasms!
I would also say that it IS easy to feel bad that your sex life is not like what you perceive that others have. My recent post talks about being grateful for what you DO have, and you are doing that. That being said, we can always improve. So again, I’d recommend giving a vibrator a try and looking into sex and marriage therapy.
By the way, some vibrators rock my wife and some are just “meh,” so if the first vibrator doesn’t help be willing to try another kind. We have a wand that gets Melodie going but doesn’t get her to orgasm. We have a flutter toy that is the same. My wife climaxes best with a rechargeable bullet vibe like the Sensuelle Plus.
Hi there. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, as God clearly intended for the marriage bed to be a blessing, not a burden. This is a great place to turn for advise/encouragement.
First off, you need to know that you're not alone. Many women can't or don't experience orgasms easily (if at all). But there is hope and healing available.
Can I ask some follow-up questions?
1. Are you able to relax during sex or are you constantly anxious, focused on not urinating, performing, etc.?
2. How long does sex usually last with your husband?
3. During sex or masturbation, do you or your husband focus on clitoral stimulation or only vaginal stimulation?
My wife, "ThePassionatePastor'sWife," would be a great woman to talk to about overcoming done of these obstacles. In the meantime, we'll be praying for you. 🙏
My wife after 13years of marriage thought she had had an orgasm during sex or one at all. I was convinced she hadn’t, she was wrong. Like you, we were virgins before our marriage. I was more informed than she was. So I took the plunge and brought her a vibe. She was actually okay with the idea but frankly didn’t know exactly what to do with it. She soon discovered how at her own pace. And let’s just say that, when she realised what an orgasm really was, she was pleasantly surprised. It’s now part of our sexual routine, and I certainly love the idea that she gets to cum every time. Even if it’s with the help of the vibe. She now has a few of them and it’s way more adventurous during sex, largely because she is enjoying it more.
Try shopping at getmaude.com. They are discreet and she loves how they make her cum so easily.
Hi Joan01,
Are you looking to give yourself an orgasm or receive an orgasm from your husband?
I am sure the ladies of this site can point you in the right direction for a sex toy. Perhaps you could get your husband to use it on you.
Sex can get a bit dull in reality and not everyone is having it all the time but it does feel that way on sex positive sites like this.
Make sure that you both get plenty of rest and keep the bedroom tidy so you can relax if that's an issue. Eat healthy and not just junk food. Book a holiday and have sex in a hotel, it just feels better knowing someone else is going to make the bed afterwards.
Your husband could talk dirty to you whilst fingering you or licking you out or a combination of all 3. Just doing as many things to you as he can to make you orgasm and for him to have a good encouraging attitude about it too.
Let us know how you get on.
Joan, I hear you. My husband used to want to give me an orgasm so badly, but he would get so focused on the mechanics and I would get so focused on my desire to give him what he craved that the pressure overwhelmed me and I just couldn't cum. Even when I was able to (usually by myself and with a fantasy story playing in my head to distract me from focusing on getting there) it took me a loooong time. Bless his heart; he read so many books and websites looking for something that would "do it" for me just because he wanted me to enjoy sex with him as much as he does with me! So sweet! Eventually, I explained that I just enjoy how sex feels. I didn't *need* a clitoral orgasm to enjoy sex with him. Later, I learned that the building tension inside me that would lead to one big clench and a sense of relaxation were orgasms too. Those I later identified as G-spot orgasms, and they are just different from the ones that eventually came in waves from clitoral stimulation. My point is that you may be having orgasms without knowing it because the aren't the "waves of overwhelming pleasure" type.
Another point is that most women don't crave sex the way a man does—like, "I need you right now!"—except maybe during their most fertile two to three days of the month. Instead, they crave the physical closeness and the gift of pleasure to one another. We have to cultivate willingness, not horniness, per se. It's like exercising or socializing: I might not want to do it, but I know I will enjoy it once I get started. I think it was the guy who hosts Sexy Marriage Radio who said men are like microwaves, and women are like slow cookers. It takes us longer to heat up, but we can both cook!
Question: why do you think you will urinate if you orgasm? Do you have a weak bladder? Believe it or not, most women don't squirt when they cum. I didn't until I was nearly 50, and we were *trying* to make it happen. Is it possible that it wouldn't bother your husband a whit if you did? We use a sex blanket (many brands are available) so we still have a dry bed to sleep in no matter how many times I cum. And then we just toss them in the washer the next day. (The difference between "squirt" and urine is highly debated and may be better saved for a different post.)
I do wonder if the dynamic of working together every day could get in the way of leaving the pressures behind and transitioning to home life, decompressing, and seeking each other's pleasure. I can see how it could feel like one more task on the to-do list and add to the pressure. I felt that for a long time until my husband explained that he *needs* to feel desired, not like someone else who needs my services.
I pray you will be able to relax about orgasm and just enjoy sex and masturbation. Don't put unnecessary expectations and pressure on yourself.
Maybe she squirts when she climaxes and thinks it’s urine?
It’s obvious you have a deep love for your husband. That is the most important factor. After trying for so long to have an orgasm, I would start by looking at health reasons that may be interfering with orgasm. Speak candidly with your health care provider. Get an exam. Look for underlying problems such as anemia and hormone imbalances including female hormones, testosterone, thyroid, vitamin D levels. Do you continue to find enjoyment in your life with hobbies, family and friends? If not, you may have an issue with some mild depression. Depression is sometimes subtle and often is unassociated with feelings of deep sadness or melancholy, so people fail to consider that depression is interfering with their life. In reality, depression is more often associated with a failure to enjoy, or to even avoid out right, activities that were once very enjoyable.
After evaluating for subtle but real health issues, I would get specific marriage counseling in regards to sexual intimacy. Speak candidly and with candor about your desire to orgasm. Do not be embarrassed. Women ages 18-30 often have difficulties reaching climax, some studies say as high as 40%. You are not alone in your frustrations. Sometimes it can be as simple an issue as understanding that, for many women, they require extensive and persistent stimulation to orgasm. Extensive meaning stimulating multiple erogenous zones (thigh, breast, nipple, belly button, around the anus, hip, lips, mouth, neck, under arm, both sets of cheeks, eyes, ears, hair, inside the anus, pubic mound, labia, etc). Although you exclude anal, anal sex can mean using a small toy or finger with minimal penetration and can be very pleasurable leading to wonderful orgasms when combined with clitoral stimulation. Persistence refers to spending time, slowing things down, enjoying the many moments leading to explosive pleasure. Exude patience, letting pleasure come to you. Do not expect orgasms with actual intercourse. Intercourse is often just a sidelight or the delicious dessert after great sex.
Don’t forget to buy the right equipment. Pickup a thong, chemise, baby doll, see thru bra, or whatever else makes you feel brazenly sexy. Get something sexy for your husband. If you haven’t used a magic wand or one of the newer pressure clitoral stimulators, get them. Also, make sure that you have good lube, natural such as coconut oil, or a well reviewed commercial brand. Toys, used together or solo, before, after, during intercourse, are wonderful. We love electricity.
Before self diagnosing on this site please talk with a female health practitioner one that is familiar with the sexual response. It is not uncommon to be unable to achieve orgasm. A few things helpful for us has been OMGYES.com to help explore sexual expression
Having checked out this resource, MarriageHeat cautions its readers that the worldview represented is not a Biblical one. Only one of the women interviewed and filmed masturbating was married. The others were serial monogamists, lesbian or polyamorous, or had casual sex. That said, the focus on technique makes it an educational resource, and it isn't done in a "porn-y" style.
Is MH against unmarried women masturbating or did the women recommend same sex relationships?
Just adding our knowledge to help others decide if the resource is right for them.
Wow they charge a great deal of money for information. Can’t tell if it’s worth it or not. TheMarriageBed is a Christian site with some interesting information on sex positions and masturbating techniques. Extremely conservative opinions in their discussion boards but the information is free and very interesting.
Sex Chat For Christian Wives podcast has a lot of resources you and your husband can use that in certain would be helpful. They have webinars about female libido, advice from their own experience, and question-and-answer podcasts.
I was a naive, virgin newlywed too. My big differences were that I didn’t talk about sex really with anyone and I didn’t really know enough to be searching for an orgasm. I guess the blessing of that was that I also didn’t stress over it.
There are so many things that can affect libido, desire, and response. You obviously love your husband and value your sex love, so seek a sex-positive Christian counselor if the webinars or medical evaluation can’t help you. One thing I recommend is lube—natural coconut oil is awesome for this. Also, I had to overcome the messy=bad mindset. It’s definitely not true when it comes to sex.
As everyone tells you, relax. It took a long time for my late wife and me to figure out the key to giving her vaginal penetration orgasms, but we did use oral to great success. The key for her was to put her in control by having her do the search to see where my penis hit the right spot. It turns out that if she was in the cowgirl position, feet flat on the bed and knees drawn up, her clit would grind on my pelvic bone above my groin.
I must also add that you should continue masturbation, solo and together, but again just relax and feel for what feels the best and keep going there. When you get to be more confident in your ability to orgasm, expand your efforts to different moves and stimulation.
FYI, my wife and I both agreed that anal sex was definitely not for us, so don’t feel pressured to try that if you’re uncomfortable with it.
This was me. I shared my struggles here and goot good advice.
https://marriageheat.com/2020/02/26/im-a-failure-as-a-christian-wife/
It took me years to finally have one. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. First, get in tune with your body. Touch yourself all over. Second, don't focus on it. Let it come naturally. Meaning just make yourself feel good. Too much pressure will stress you out. Third, if you don't have one there's next time. Allow your husband to touch you and guide him. Sex doesn't always have to result in orgasm. It's great when it does but focus on what makes you feel good. Don't compare yourself to others.
And try some toys like a vibrator. There are many different ones. Some Christian blogs, like Hot, Holy, Humorous ad Married Christian Sex, even offer reviews for toys.
I want to add my voice to the others on the importance of masturbation in the life of a Christian woman, take time to learn about your body, read erotic, think about sex and masturbation, get yourself horny, read stories.here on MH.
Try this one for size: https://marriageheat.com/2017/08/16/became-sexually-alive/
Above all, pray and relax.
And tell us about it when your orgasm finally hits.
And good on you for getting off contraceptives – they are a major cause of low libido.
Happens often and a good reason not to marry someone you do not really know.
When I first started doing it with my wife, I could not orgasm. She'd get upset and try even harder to get me off. It wasn't her fault at all. I was just not fully comfortable with her. Once I was able to completely let go and surrender to her, I haven't had any issue at all.
Perhaps, you are overthinking this. Orgasms shouldn't be thought of as work or something to fear. If you are afraid you will wet the bed, get some pads and put them under the sheets. Do whatever so that you are fully comfortable surrendering to those feelings.
I wouldn't be upset with my wife at all if she peed on me while having an orgasm. Orgasms put her in such a better mood. And I love how horny she gets. It's awesome.