Single Struggles
Hello. I’m 26, single, and sadly have little hope for a spouse or even starting a family. And I’ve dealt with all the guilt and other “ohhh, sex is evil” stuff. I’ll make a post about that in the future.
So like I typed above, I’m 26, still struggling through college and getting started with a career. Much has do to with health issues and my college not being very good. I deal with a lot of guilt, shame, and feeling like I’m no good, that I’ll never be successful, and never find love.
Due to this, I devalued myself and fell into sexual sin, which left me feeling lower than before. I believed that with my porn struggles and sexual thoughts, I could never be worthy of the blessings God has for us.
But recently, I have been trying to rekindle my relationship with God and live the life He wants me to live. I had to learn to be kinder to myself and forgive myself for my mistakes. It’s very difficult. Sadly, I’m no longer a virgin. I may have not engaged in actual sex itself, but it would be a stretch to call myself a virgin.
But now I’m dedicating myself to save what’s left of me for my future wife, whether or not she’s a virgin. I honestly don’t care if not, and, like me, she was doing her best to hold of till marriage. We could understand each other’s struggles and work together to make a better life according to God’s plan.
Of course, this is only possible if it’s in God’s plan. I learned this from having a health condition ruining my chances of going in the military at 20 and setting my college career back. God works in mysterious ways. I’m learning to accept things that are out of my control. Like a kid who’s parents decided to uproot our lives and move to another town, this feeling of helplessness, yet knowing God will provide, has actually brought a little comfort to me.
Whether or not I’ll find love and hopefully have a family is, at the end of the day, God’s decision. But I have this sinking feeling I will never find those things. Whatever God decides is in my best interests.
But even if I did have a family, could I provide properly, or safeguard a future for them? Could they can thrive in today’s world? The way the world is, and having little faith in being a good father, it might be an injustice to them. I would feel guilty bringing them in the world because I want kids, rather than thinking about them.
I’m very conscious about my decisions about having a family. If I can’t be sure I can provide certain things, I won’t have kids. But even if not having kids, at least a spouse to share my life with would be a real blessing. I’m trying to be faithful, remembering God will provide for me and my family, if He so blesses me. But it is a worry I can’t shake.
Please, any advice and prayers from anyone here will help me feel like I’m not alone in this struggle. Especially words from other singles would be greatly appreciated. I can only hope I can bear good fruit one day.
Hi Jesblu, I am a newer member here and am also single. There’s a handful of other single folks on here too so you definitely aren’t alone in that! The married couples on here can be really encouraging and helpful, I hope you have that experience too.
Your story struck me to my core, it is clear that you harbor a lot of self guilt and self doubt. You aren’t alone in that either. I may not know you but after reading your post I just want to tell you that things will get better and to keep holding on, I’m not saying it will be easy (it’s definitely not easy for me all the time) but it will be worth it. God loves you and he created you in HIS image, you don’t have to feel that guilt anymore because Jesus has forgiven us of our sins, that’s why he hung on the cross for us. I’m not saying that as a free pass but as encouragement to you. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, I really hope you have a good support system. As for your broken heart, just know that healing is not linear and it is okay to feel this way right now, and it is valid.
I hope you benefit from this site and just know that people care.
Agreed, stay encouraged!
SSS, I saw you’re curious about joining SOTB. They’re working strictly via referrals now, so I’m happy to help. Should I tell them to look out for SSS’ application, or will you use another name?
@ WaitingOnHer
I'm in a very similar position as many of the people on here, I was a member on SOTB a long time ago and left while I dealt with some personal issues.
How does it work now with referrals? I don't even see a way on the website to request access?
JesBlue – You asked for advice. I’ll pass on two pieces of very good advice I was given when I was your age. This advice is going to sound too superficial; but it worked for me 53 years ago and continues to work for me today.
The first advice was from one of the leaders in a Christian group I was in while in college. He asked me what I wanted in a wife. I thought it was just guy talk and I responded with descriptors like blond, shapely, etc. He waited until I was finished and then he said, “You know what I want? I want a Godly woman.”
I thought about that. I thought about that a lot. It really hit home. I realized that I was dating girls based on their physical attractiveness. My actions were not consistent with my beliefs. From that time on, I decided I would not date girls based on their looks, but on their commitment to Christ. If I found out that a single girl about my age was known for her commitment to Christ, I determined to know and hopefully date her.
The second advice came from an older Christian man I highly respected. He reminded me that to be obedient to the scriptures, I would have to love my wife in the same way Christ loved the church – total commitment to whatever was best for her. He encouraged me to choose a wife that is easy to love.
I met a girl that fit both criteria and spent my life with her – a wonderful life.
JesBlue, what sweetsugarspice said was 100% accurate! You really aren’t alone in this. Many of us have fallen into sexual sin… even if it’s only once. But you clearly have repented.
A couple of things I’ve heard or learned via church follow. I hope they will help you. They really helped me forgive myself and accept that because of Jesus, my sins can be forgiven.
-We say we believe in Christ, but do we BELIEVE Him when he says that He died to cleanse us of our sins when we have repented & turned to Him.
-Auto Dealership analogy: Church is not the showroom floor of the dealership. Church is the repair shop.
-Heaven will not be full of perfect people. It will be full of people who have repented and been cleansed by the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
I know that God loves you. He is proud of you for your efforts to change and do better. He does not expect you or anyone to change to perfect overnight. He will keep forgiving you as you sincerely repent. Of course the goal is to learn to not sin.
Whatever you have done- it sounds like it falls short of “penis in vagina” so actually you are still a virgin. But even if you were not, God forgives! The fact that you would not insist your future wife will be a virgin says you believe that she can be cleansed. So believe it about yourself too!
Many of us come from way less than ideal childhoods. I was born with birth defects. My wife and I are both survivors of childhood sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I flunked my Army physical. My first marriage was a disaster. I messed up sexually between marriages.
All that being said, we both strived to keep close to God. We repented of our sins – although I had more to repent of than Melody. I am grateful that she believes in that cleansing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I do now too! And we have had our enormous challenges but we have had a wonderful marriage with friendship, companionship, partnership, & sizzling lovemaking. I think that my 114 or so entries on MH show some of that passion and friendship.
So keep striving to become your best self. Strive to be good and repent when you mess up. But really try to mess up less. You may yet have a great marriage in your future. Like them all, it won’t be a perfect marriage, but it can still be a great one. Also, maybe God wants you to have children in that marriage. You won’t be a perfect parent but NONE of us are.
Finally, become friends with the woman first. The passion can grow from there. Ours did. And Melody & I waited until our honeymoon to have sex with each other. It was well worth the wait!
We are not a perfect match sexually. Yet we have negotiated and worked things out so our sex life has never been more fulfilling. And our current health situation is precarious to say the least.
I hope this helped. I will pray for you!
JesBlue, I don't know where you're from, but I'm sure most members here are Americans. I can relate and feel memories of a lot of what you have expressed. I had reached 40 years old, overweight, etc. and had long given up on finding love. I had made my peace with it, and didn't give it much thought. As for urges and desires, let's just say I "looked for love in all the wrong places" consuming extreme content and deviance with online hookups. I wasn't really walking with the Lord at all back then at all, and though I'm in a better place with that today, I'm still far from perfect in that area even now.
My physical appearance really crushed my confidence. I have ginger hair/complexion and had at least an extra 75 pounds on me. I wasn't a person that would normally be desired and, as I said, had accepted that. Then I was sent to work in Asia for one year. A good friend over there connected with other friends and it ended up that I was introduced to Kate while she was still in the Philippines. I was in another country, but was told the Philippines was worth a visit, so we met up after a few weeks. In Filipino culture, appearance isn't as much of a dealbreaker for relationships. Obesity isn't viewed near as negatively. In fact, going back to old cultural viewpoints, a belly must mean you're well-off enough to eat well. My red hair and pale complexion was a novelty, versus the "tall, dark and handsome" that American women look for. Anyhow, the relationship kept going and I knew I had a decision point before I had to head back, so I proposed after a few months. We were married about nine months after that. I had never had so much as a date with an Asian woman before Kate and had never given it any thought. She isn't who I always visualized, in my younger years, I would marry, but she is perfect in every way. We've been together for many years, doing great, and He has blessed us with an adorable daughter. I too had my anxiety about parenting, but it's wonderful overall.
Kate has more than proven her genuine love for me over the years, and that I wasn't just a green card for her. With that said, I do feel that there is nothing wrong with desiring a person who can help provide you with a better life…as long as the love and commitment is genuine and that is just one of many things that attracts you to her. We do it in our own culture to an extent. There aren't many brain surgeons married to fast food workers.
As a lover (considering this is a sex-related site), poor Kate didn't know what she was in for. She wasn't a virgin, but had little experience in her past and nothing but basic intercourse. In her particular culture, they are not very liberated in their sexual activity, compared to Americans and Europeans. Of course, I am aware there is a "red light" industry, but I'm talking normal, average women. By comparison, I am an extreme deviant. I didn't share every desire with Kate immediately, but I am so lucky that she has provided just about every desire I did eventually express. Kate absolutely loves mutual oral and deep, intense rimming, also mutual. She provides me anal sex, though it's not always particularly comfortable for her and I'm always going gentle with her. Sometimes she expresses that it felt good and she enjoyed it, but not always. We added mutual water sports a few months ago, which was weird for her at first, but she enjoys it a lot now. She's always good with getting bound and restrained. None of it is the norm in her culture, but our love is deep, and we've become perfect for each other in intimacy too.
So, I told my story to ask the following: Have you ever considered looking internationally for a relationship? Of course there are risks and things to consider, but there are some positives too. First, if you find a good woman abroad, you know from the onset that the relationship is in a serious context. You're not looking to waste time when continents separate you. The relationship will either ultimately end in marriage or fizzle out, so there is less chance of being jerked around. Second, there are some things (such as my weight) that are more easily overlooked in some other cultures. In some places, you're considered, as an American or westerner, a "good catch" in many ways. You don't want an outright gold digger for sure, but that risk can be reduced by doing your homework and thinking with the right body part. I certainly know a few Filipinas in our community that are divorced and, I suspect, weren't as committed to their marriages as they should have been, but they're pretty easy to spot (party girls), and I know way more couples like us that have worked out than haven't. Just something to consider.
Don't know what to tell you…
Hey JesBlue,
I'm in a similar situation in some ways. I'm a single man, in the same age range as you, and struggling to establish my career, largely due to health issues. Like you, I also once had dreams of serving in the military in some capacity, but that won't work for me either. But I know God has other plans, and I'm happy to follow him.
I hope that you've come to a healthier mindset about feeling that you "could never be worthy of the blessings God has for us." I'd encourage you to remember the perspective that not one of us deserves God's blessings. It's all grace, which by definition is undeserved. God's blessings are a free gift, given to undeserving people.
I've worried about many of the same things as you: will I be able to be a good husband and father? A good protector and provider? A good spiritual leader? I've found that it's important to have a mindset of growth. Recognize that you're not where you want to be, but that with prayer and effort, you CAN become those things. Compare yourself not to others, or to who you want to be, but to who you were yesterday. That will help you see the progress that you've made, and the possibility of future progress, which will help provide the hope that will help you succeed. If you focus on how bad and hopeless everything seems, that feeling will only grow stronger. But if you fight it by reminding yourself of the transformation that can happen in Christ, that hope will grow. I've seen the terrible bitterness that grows in people when they let themselves focus on the negatives for years and decades. But I've also seen in my own life the hope and perseverance that comes from fighting pain and tragedy with hopeful focus on growth and good things. Whatever you focus on tends to reinforce itself in reality.
I really resonate with your last sentence: "I can only hope I can bear good fruit one day." I want to shine God's light and contribute good things to the world, and I'm not doing that in the ways I want to, nor at the scale I want to. To maintain a helpful attitude, I frequently remind myself to start by being faithful even in a very little, knowing that will prepare me to be faithful in much (Matthew 25:21, 23, Luke 16:10, ESV). Even if you feel like the servant who starts with just 1 talent instead of 5, steward that 1 well.
I pray that God would draw you closer to have a wonderful relationship with him, that he would give you contentment, and that he would guide you on the path he has planned for you. Keep finding your strength and joy in him, brother!
You have very low self esteem. To defeat this negativity, you need to really believe that God does love you & forgives you of past sins if you repent and believe & trust in Him. It may be challenging to find your purpose, but He gives us Spiritual Gifts, which include the Holy Spirit to guide us. IF we only listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance ( doing what is right) following God's will, He will provide all we need: in work, relationships, and life. Finding one's purpose is essential to having happiness & joy in your life. This is an easy "find" for Christians: it is to love & serve God above all else. It is easy to get tempted by worldly things. Satan uses things of the world to separate us from God.
First, welcome to this special site! MarriageHeat has blest me so much, and I thank God I stumbled over it. I empathize with you in numerous ways. I too am single at 27 (though quite contented) and have struggled with uncertainty over ever being a wife or mother. It's more my personality that makes me unsure if I am called to those roles, but I also deal with health problems which directly relate to my fertility and daily hormones, so that makes marriage and motherhood something I'm very cautious about entering.
Much of what I was going to say to you has been said by the other wonderful members here. I will reiterate that you must take Christ at His word when He says He forgives you. And if you love Him, you will strive to serve and please Him. It takes time; goodness, I can't believe how much I've learned in the last few years! But it happens as you grow in Him. Also, love Him so completely that even if you never marry, you will be satisfied. He must be number one. I wrestled with that, though for me it was being too attached to my family. I used to be so scared of the day when my parents or siblings might die. But through some very dark trials with my health, I came to put my entire hope and reliance on God, to the point that fear of death, for myself and others, is gone, and I am fulfilled by Him and His purpose for me. I encourage you with this: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you". God guide and uplift you, brother.