I’m Divorced, So Now What?
After 24 years of marriage, I find myself divorced, alone, and wondering what God has in store for me next.
My ex-wife was/is the only woman I have ever been with sexually. Now that we are divorced, I find myself in a whole new world (both figuratively and literally). So much has changed since I was single! Not to mention that I’m in this situation with three daughters living 100% of the time with me.
Not only has dating completely changed, but I have the same problem I had when I was married. The problem I am now dealing with is, “What is a still very horny man supposed to do?” I mean, just because my wife left doesn’t mean my desire for sex has ended.
Now, I know many are going to say, “You can still masturbate.” And I do, occasionally. But now that I no longer have someone to fantasize about, it’s not as fun nor as good.
I have gone on a couple of dates in the two years since my divorce and three years from the separation. I still find myself feeling as if I am cheating on my wife, the one God originally chose for me.
So, what do you think? Where do I go from here? And how do I manage the desires I have?
God doesn't make mistakes, but people do. I believe those feelings are telling you something.
I have found David Pawson's thoughts on remarriage after divorce very loving and helpful.
Been there n done that but I was a single parent of little kids. Either way divorce is a big n unique challenge – as is living unmarried after having been married.
My first marriage lasted only five years. I imagine that your situation would be more difficult than mine. But don’t lose hope.
I met the woman who became my second wife in church. She was 10 years older than me and I let that bother me at first. But my kids adored her and I eventually came to love her as my best friend, soulmate, & eventually my sexy wife n lover. (30+ years now!)
Having had two years pass since your divorce should help you some from rushing into an unhealthy rebound relationship like I did. But don’t give up hope. It was year three for me when I finally met Melody & began to develop the healthy n happy relationship I now have with her. We didn’t know at first but back then she was my future wife.
To quote Vanessa Williams
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough…
…You saved the best for last”
So pray for the Lord to lead you and your future love together and be pretty open minded about the small stuff. But in my opinion be picky about the big stuff like: “Is she: kind, unselfish, & full of faith? The friendship will then likely develop into love & passion.
You might want to give online dating sites a try. I know people who had awful experiences that way so you have to be very careful. But I have friends who have now been married ten years to the person they met on a dating site.
I will pray for you & your future love to find each other. God bless you!
Marriage is a covenant designed to last for life. But covenants do get broken – it’s never been a perfect world. In Hebrew culture, if one party broke a covenant, that meant that the other party was no longer obligated to that covenant.
So… you need to accept that your wife chose to break the marriage covenant and leave, and YOU are no longer obligated to that covenant.
Also… you chose your spouse, and I’m sure God guided your steps. But He didn’t “choose her” on your behalf. If you had a private chat with God, I’m convinced he would say “You were faithful to your covenant until it ended… well done… that’s all I could ever hope for you. Now you are free to begin a new relationship, and maybe even a new convental marriage. Be free and be well, my child.”
I’m sorry that you’re going through this difficulty.
I don’t know your whole situation, but I don’t think you have any reason to feel like you’re cheating on your wife. If you’ve been apart for three years and divorced for two, I think you need to let that part of your life go.
As far as what to do, masturbation is really your only option. It’s true that it’s not as fulfilling as sex, but it can fill the gap as you pray and search for the woman God may have for you.
There are some great stories and discussion posts on here about masturbation, as well as some insightful comments.
You might also consider toys, such as a prostate massager or fleshlight. Again, they’re not as good as the real thing, but they can bring some relief.
One word. Masturbate.
Avoid porn, and thoughts of women you know, but make them up in your imagination. Read articles here on MH, there’s nothing wrong with jacking off.
I’ve been widowed for nearly 12 years, so I get what you’re going through.
If I was single, I would masturbate daily!
I don't think the first wife should be used as an excuse not to enjoy another woman's company. If you have your children most of the time, if not all, there must be something going on there that isn't your fault at all.
I wouldn't worry about the sex part of this. When we worry about that, it creates problems. Just treat the women you meet in life as a fellow human being whose company you enjoy no matter the relationship. You might meet someone in Church who bonds with you and decides she wants to direct her urges on you. When that happens, just jump her bones and throw all your inhibitions out the window. Make her toes curl. But never forget that sex is not the end game. It's just part of the bonding and not nearly the most important part of it.
Um… I would add “… jump her bones but marry her first.” And I’ll say to paraphrase the Disney song:
“Let her go Let her go”
But I don’t believe the following line from that song applies to you:
“No right no wrong for me
I’m free”
I can tell you from experience that dumping your Christian values will not bring true happiness.
I learned to be grateful for the beautiful kids I got from my first marriage- even though the marriage was very rough. The last two years of it I was verbally abused nearly constantly if I was anywhere near my then wife. Once in a while my then wife would lash out verbally and sometimes physically at the kids.
The kids were 100% under my care when I was still married to my first wife. So I got custody of them after the divorce. To get out of the marriage my then wife began affairs in part to get me to divorce her. I had been convinced that you stuck it out in marriage… but I really should have divorced her two years earlier than I did. The affairs DID end our marriage.
I was able to forgive my ex wife after a year n a half and that brought ME great peace.
But now I’ve been married to a kind woman for 30 glorious years! Things have not been perfect but we have worked it out to our mutual benefit. The intense pain of the last two years of my first marriage really helps me appreciate my good marriage now.
So have hope and faith. God may very well have found you the perfect match if you’ll just be open to that prospect.
I would like to thank you all for your kind words and advice. I can tell you that my relationship with my 3 girls is stronger than ever, so God definitely made the bad into good!
Please know that divorce was not an easy decision. I begged her to go to a marriage counselor again & again but she absolutely refused to do anything. I was determined to stay married, however, it got to the point where she was taking advantage of our finances and destroying our/my credit. It was actually a friend who is a pastor & marriage counselor (along with his wife) who told me that I needed to, at the very least, get a signed/documented separation agreement. She refused and forced the divorce decision.
Anyway, I will definitely try a "toy", is there one a man can recommend?
The other day I finally "broke down" & and asked for prayer to release all the guilt and resentment and I truly believe that God has released me. (I say "broke down" b/c I have just started at a brand new church; the girls and I moved far away from our family home right after the divorce.)
Again, thank you and I'll keep checking in, in hopes that someone will give me some "toy" suggestions (that are hopefully affordable).
I hold the Bible to be the highest authority in my life, as should all who are serious about calling themselves Christians, so that's the first place I go for direction and guidance.
I believe the best outcome is for divorce to never happen in the first place. It's better that both spouses submit to one another and to God, be humble, seek to better themselves by sanctification, and work through their issues rather than abandoning promises they made to their spouse. But you're already past that stage, unfortunately. So what now?
In your position, it sounds like you have 3 general choices: stay single, reconcile with your ex-wife, or marry another woman.
With the Bible's authority and teaching as a foundation, I believe remarriage after divorce is only legitimate in very limited circumstances. The most relevant passages on this topic include Jesus' teaching (Matthew 5:31-32, and 19:3-9, with parallels in Luke and Mark) and Paul's teaching (1 Corinthians 7:10-15). Writing out those passages here would take up a lot of space, so I'd encourage you to read through them on your own for guidance.
I'll be honest, I've studied the issue a bit and I'm not perfectly clear on when remarriage after divorce is acceptable. I tend to take a more restrictive view on when it's allowed than most, I think, because I hold marriage in extremely high regard. The Bible uses some pretty strong language about remarriage being adultery except for very specific circumstances, so it's something that needs to be navigated very carefully.
But from 1 Corinthians 7:10-15, I do believe there's a plausible case to be made that you're free to remarry if your spouse abandons your marriage. I know many Christians seem to take that for granted, but it isn't completely plain to me from scripture, and I just haven't studied it enough to be fully convinced either way. So I'd encourage you to study that issue, pray and seek God's will so that you can find peace in being fully convinced of what is right and wrong in your situation.
If you do find peace that remarriage is the right path for you, I don't think I need to teach what you've already learned from experience, but I'll state it here for the benefit of others: choosing a woman who loves God and is loving, kind, gracious and forgiving is so important. Good character (from a heart that loves God) and shared values (around God's values) should be the top 2 things you look for in a woman.
As I've been advising in many comments recently, spend time focused on God and growing your understanding of him and your relationship with him. Pray. Read the Bible. Go to church. As you grow in relationship with him, you will be better able to understand what his will for you is (Romans 12:1-2).
Whatever conclusion you come to, you've already done something right in applying Romans 12:18 in this situation: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (ESV). It sounds like you did the right thing and did everything you could, everything that depended on you, to keep the marriage together. But because she didn't do the part that depends on her, you wisely accepted separation once she made clear she didn't want to reconcile, and began behaving belligerently. It's a very unfortunate situation, but it sounds like you handled it far better and more biblically than most would, so perhaps you can take just a little comfort in that.
As for toy suggestions, I've heard the Fleshlight is a staple in male stroker toys. I haven't tried one myself, but I'd guess they're popular for a reason. I believe they typically run around $60-80; not cheap, but not overly expensive, and it sounds like they last a while if you take care of them.
I pray you find peace in whatever God's plan is for your future!