Sex and Hot Monogamy – Preface
Sex and Hot Monogamy
by Henry and Pam Reyenga
Preface
I am Henry Reyenga. My wife, Pam, and I have been in ministry since 1988. After graduating from Dordt College with a Philosophy degree and Calvin Seminary with a Master of Divinity, I started my ministry work as a church planter in Chicagoland. Over 
the years, we’ve supported couples through pastoral care and marriage ministry counseling. Time and time again, we’ve seen transformation begin when couples invite God into their most personal conversations—especially those about sexual intimacy. We’ve also seen how important these conversations are for singles and divorced individuals. Pre-marriage counseling often becomes the perfect setting to explore these topics fully.
Our culture, however, approaches these conversations differently. Sexually explicit discussions, often portrayed through pornography, are normalized. The internet has made this content freely available on every computer and smartphone.
Healthy, God-designed sexuality is essential for both individuals and married couples. When a Christian man and woman come together in the Lord, their relationship becomes a union of “hot monogamy”—a bond filled with pleasure, emotional depth, and spiritual fulfillment. From this relationship can come children and a shared legacy. Yet, even for married couples, sexual narratives shaped by past experiences or cultural influences can linger and affect intimacy.
We’ve come to understand that a thriving marriage isn’t just about physical pleasure. It’s about building a deeper connection—one that strengthens emotional and spiritual bonds. Honest conversations about intimacy can unlock new levels of joy and unity. These moments help couples stay faithful to God and each other.
In 2006, we founded Christian Leaders Institute to provide free ministry training worldwide. One recurring topic in ministry settings was sexual intimacy. Over time, Pam and I developed a college course on this subject, approaching it from a Ministry Sciences perspective. This approach is biblically based, welcoming God and His design into conversations about sexuality. The goal is to address human relationships and challenges with faith and practical tools. It offers a holistic way to help ministers, singles, and couples honor God with their sexuality.
In 2012, Pam and I launched MarriageHeat.com. We wanted to give people of faith a space to anonymously share experiences and encourage one another. Inspired by the Song of Songs, we created a platform for stories about vibrant, monogamous marriages. We believed Christians needed to see how God was working in other Christian marriages. Over time, MarriageHeat.com became a valuable Ministry Sciences research tool, offering insights into what Christians experience in the bedroom.
Not everyone agreed with the site’s approach. Some Christians felt the stories were too erotic. But as platforms like Netflix and others began saturating the culture with content that undermines a Christian vision of intimacy, we felt it was important to provide an alternative. MarriageHeat.com became a rare voice promoting healthy, God-honoring sexuality and intimacy through storytelling. Like the Song of Songs, these narratives aren’t for everyone, but they bring important conversations to the forefront.
Many Christian singles and newlyweds visit MarriageHeat.com for inspiration. Countless marriages have been renewed by reigniting their intimacy. In 2018-2019, Pam and I passed the website to Missy and her husband, Calvin. They’ve continued to share stories that align with God’s design for intimacy.
Pam and I have often thought about writing a book on sexual conversations and hot monogamy. One day, during a conversation with Missy from MarriageHeat.com, she encouraged us to take the leap. She suggested we write the book and share each chapter with the MarriageHeat.com community to engage directly with its members. Inspired by her enthusiasm, Pam and I accepted the challenge. The final version of the book will reflect valuable input from this community.
To protect confidentiality, we will share fictionalized stories inspired by years of ministry work and real-life experiences. Additionally, we’ve incorporated lessons from those who have visited MarriageHeat.com. Over the years, we have conducted many polls on topics related to sexuality and “hot monogamy.” Often, individuals offer valuable insights or ask thought-provoking questions, which spark active engagement from the community. This book will include some of these contributions to provide a broader and richer perspective.
Pam and I don’t have it all figured out. We’re works in progress, just like everyone else. We’re redeemed sinners who find hope in Jesus and His Word. We celebrate how God designed us as sexual beings and how this design is fulfilled in marriage—whether you’re married yet or not.
Our prayer is that this book inspires you to build a stronger, God-honoring view of sexuality. Let’s explore the sacred, transformative gift of intimacy together, as designed by our Creator.
I look forward to your posts. I’m still relatively young and haven’t even been married for a decade yet. I know I’ve got a lot to learn.
That is the joy of it. It is a lifelong learning adventure!
Love Marriage Heat.com. I have been a longtime member and so look forward to reading your post. Marriage Heat.com has been a true blessing. I just recently lost my husband and he loved it as well. My faith in the Lord remains strong and he gives me strength to make it through this time in my life. I am so very grateful for Marriage Heat.com, Missy and her husband for their hard work in spreading the word about hot monogamy. Thank you for creating and giving me and the many Christians like me this wonderful site. God bless you and your wife in your continued ministry.
Gina G. ( Horny GG )
GG,
Yes, you and Ben were among the first couples when MH started. Pam and I are praying for you in your loss of Ben. Together, you and Ben spread your love for each other and your hot monogamy lifestyle to countless couples.
In the MarriageHeat community, Ben is now one of the heroes of faith. I look forward to meeting him someday in heaven.
HM, thank you so much for your prayers I truly appreciate it. It has been a rough road for me as you may imagine.
This may not be the place to ask and you may discuss it in your book i don't know.
But if I may, I am going to ask the question anyway.
Do you feel that it is wrong or too soon after Ben's passing for me gratify myself through masturbation?
As you probably know I am a huge proponent of masturbation as long as it is done in the right moral mindset. It played a huge part in my and Ben's marriage.
I just don't want to come off as uncaring or something, it being so soon after Ben's passing. Like I said, it may not be the time and place to ask such a question. But I know that Ben probably wouldn't want me to ignore my body's needs.
I've been in counseling with my minister since Ben's passing, but honestly don't know how to approach the subject with him. I realize that everyone grieves differently, but I would appreciate your thoughts on the matter. Thank you and God bless you and Pam.
GG,
Enjoy your sexual self-care! You have so many loving memories of times with Ben and the fantasies you shared. God bless you in this time of grief. Pam and I will keep you in our prayers
HR
Thank you! I feel relieved as well as happy. God bless you!
GG let us know if you were able to pleasure yourself. I hope it helps you cope with your tremendous loss. I know it took me time until I could concentrate enough on my own pleasure to orgasm.
GG, by all means, YES, pleasure yourself. Ben would want you to enjoy the memories, the release of sexual tension, and the healing.
This is a Godly endeavor that I support. Satan is continually trying to sew chaos into our lives. A good strong union between a man and woman brings stability and goodness. He does not like that. He tempts us with adulterous thoughts often putting down monogamy as boring.
It's nothing of the sort. My wife is very adventurous and sex can be so much more enjoyable with someone that I trust and care for. This message should be easily discovered by young people who have been inundated with the devil's message.
Indeed. Let the hot monogamy lifestyle be coveted by people who do not know it yet. Many Christians have not said "yes" to it yet. Non Christians are searching. There is great spiritual warfare against God and his design of gender, sexuality, reproduction.and healthy monogamy.
Thanks, Henry and Pam for creating and Missy and Calvin, for sustaining Marriage Heat. Hot monogamous Christian sharing and stories strengthen the sole and soul bonding of marriages (and for those looking forward to marriage) physically, emotionally, relationally, and importantly, spiritually.
God is at work!
I look forward to the book and thank you for creating MH. It indeed can help that slice of Christian couples looking to improve their sex life. And to make masturbating, oral and anal sex acceptable to the Christian community that for generations condemned them. We have to accept that there are married and single, Christian and non Christians that have great sex lives. There are great sexless marriages and unions where the sex is fantastic but the union a disaster. I have always been puzzled at basing MH on the stories of seducing hundreds of women to be in a King’s harem of hundreds to encourage monogamy. Few men in history had more sex with women that were not yet his wife or never would become his wife than Solomon. That aside, the acceptance of erotic material and acknowledgement that readers masturbate reading MH, has been a very positive and pleasurable addition to many that reject main stream porn. We have debating biblical, physical and legal topics. Acknowledged flaws in how the Bible applies or no longer does in our 21st century lives.
So again thanks for starting it and thanks to those that took over and opened the discussion to topics, pictures and language, that initially were not as accepted.
Thanks for your kind words. I do not interpret the Song of Songs in that way. I believe King Solomon repented later in life, and that Song of Songs, Ecclesiastes, and much of the Book of Proverbs reflect his meditations on God's reproducible design for life and relationships. To me, the inclusion of Song of Songs as an erotic work within the canonical Scriptures is extraordinary. This pre-Greek philosophy book celebrates passionate monogamy and presents a sex-positive perspective.
If Song of Songs were not in the Bible, Christians might remain entrenched in Platonic thinking, which often views the body, sex, passionate monogamy, and even women as lesser or inherently flawed. Sadly, many Christians have struggled to grasp that the flesh, too, is being redeemed and that sexuality, within God’s design, is inherently good.
We do agree the inclusion is extraordinary and vital. I see no interpretation of the historical fact that he seduced and married hundreds of women and girls, others he did not marry but also were in his bed. I would love to have been a fly on the wall when the inclusion of Songs was debated. Yet other books rejected considering the anti sex beliefs of the church at that and until recent times. Not sure of including Songs was not wanting to throw out the baby with the bath water considering it’s anti monogamy message or a hope no one would mention Solomon having hundreds of wives and hundreds more concubines. Or the argument that most of us do not have the power or wealth to accumulate such a harem so different rules apply. That most men were barely capable of protecting and providing for one wife and their children. A more logical reason to accept monogamy than it being a sin.
The Bible presents Solomon's failings with transparency. Despite his reputation, he was not an exceptional king for his time in his marriage practices. Instead, Scripture reveals his journey to us, flaws and all. While we no longer have the oral tradition explaining why Solomon’s writings were included in the Bible, I am comfortable with the mystery of these things and affirm the Bible as the Word of God.
I interpret Song of Songs as a celebration of a monogamous marriage relationship. If you're interested in exploring the Wisdom books through college-level, free ministry training, I recommend the course Biblical Wisdom Books (4 credits) – Understanding Life Through Old Testament Sages and Poets, offered by content providers Wayne Brouwer and John Piper.
Here is the link:https://christianleaders.org/enrol/index.php?id=541
GG,
Enjoy your sexual self-care! You have so many loving memories of times with Ben and the fantasies you shared.
I too look forward to the book and thank you for creating MH.
Modern culture has mostly abandoned the Spiritual aspect of love and matrimony, and seems absent in the marital bed and intimate relationships. No wonder divorce, depression, and suicide rates are so high in our culture.
I pray that more people can find true happiness in a relationship with Jesus Christ and a Biblically based marriage.
Henry, thank you for writing this book. You left MH in great hands. I hope all is well with you.
LH
Thanks Lovinghusband, Thanks are crazy busy. CLI has crossed over the 800k student account threshold. We also received candidate status with the USA department of Education.
YES! Missy and Calvin and their team are doing great! Pam and I thank God. Missy and Calvin truly have a vision for thriving marriage that Glorify God! How are you doing these days?
As a more recent addition to this community I'm still not privy to all that went on here in the past but thank you for sharing your background HM, and definitely thank you for starting this sight, I had no idea! Being able to talk here with fellow Christians who share my own beliefs, to discuss things and learn from them, has been a tremendous step forward in deeper intimacy with God, as well as myself. As a virgin I don't know just how valuable my experience is, but I'm really looking forward to seeing this book go forward and would certainly love to help any way I can. And I definitely will buy a copy when it's published! 🙂
We look forward to your future posts, and are guessing that your fictional stories will seem more real than not!
This is a wonderful development. I will very much look forward to reading what is to come. I have always greatly appreciated your knowledge and wisdom around the area of sexuality. I was not aware of the fact that you two started this sight! Thank you! I think I have been a part of this sight since 2013. I have also taken some courses at CLI and have very much enjoyed the material. My bride and I are about to celebrate our 500 month anniversary. I would like to say that this sight has brought me a lot of encouragement over the years. Like many here, there was significant sexual abuse in our life prior to our marriage. The term sexual anorexia is a term we have used over the years. It has come with many challenges, although God is so good. So many of the stories I have read here over the years have given so much encouragement and hope. I know of no other sight like it. So once again, Thank You for your investment in all of us. This Thank You also go on to Missy and Calvin for picking up the torch. I will be watching closely for more updates on this book. Blessings!!
Wow! You have been around Christian Leaders Institute over 11 years! Thanks for your encouragement. 500 months! Congrats!
Wow! It is an honor to put a face to the couple who began this wonderful website! Thank you so much for starting this ministry. I stumbled on MH 3-4 years ago and it has majorly helped me in transforming my views of sex and marriage. I praise God for leading me here, and for leading you to provide this resource to searching Christians who want to honor God in their sexuality. May the Lord bless and guide you further as you serve Him with your abilities and knowledge.
Check out CLI and become a minister in the topic of hot monogamy! Singles like you show that this vision is for everyone, whether married or not.
HM, I am taking the class "God's Design for Sex" on CLI, though it's ongoing as I have been dealing with health issues. But I definitely sense God leading me to do something in this area of teaching Biblical sexuality to girls and women.
This is cool,I grew up a mile from Dordt University.Im looking forward to your book.
Thank you HM for such a valuable, helpful ministry and inspiriting network of people seeking the goodness in godly sex!
Any updates on when you’ll be releasing chapters of the book? I’m excited for it!
Thank you! There was a time when I struggled because it seemed I was alone in believing conservative Bible believing Christian’s and especially those in full time ministry could have an erotic, active, and explorative sex life. MH has been a blessing and encouragement to us as we seek to keep our sex life alive and growing, while experiencing together erotic excitement and pleasures while keeping it God honoring.