Honesty About Masturbation
More than likely if you are reading and participating in this site, you are more open and enlightened in your marriage about things that are sexual.
But because many are not open and honest about their own sexuality with their spouse, their masturbation is done in secret.
Since having our sexual revolution as a Christian couple, being open and honest about everything sexual, including masturbation, is a freeing experience indeed.
On countless occasions, one of us has come home to find the other in a state of preparation for sex, knowing that the other was going to be coming home soon, and wanting to welcome them with the full knowledge that we both needed and wanted intimacy and sexual pleasure. Thus, we would prepare ourselves to look as attractive as possible, sometimes completely nude with legs spread and fingers or toys working feverishly. Or on other occasions, one would welcome the other home and express love and romantic intent by preparing something that we know that the other liked, such as a drink for the two of us, or perhaps a light dinner, etc.
Having been in the habit of sexting one another and filming ourselves having sex, another activity was to have a home movie ready on the TV starring the two of us.
Many times she would be home dressed in something sexy that she would know I liked. One of the things we’ve adopted as a practice is shopping online for lingerie for her, or a type of underwear for myself which would be appealing to both.
There have been times I’ve greeted her in a suit much as a Chippendale would. Or she might do the same in some type of clothing which, upon undressing, would reveal her true intention and sometimes spontaneously cause us to break out into a role play.
In our sexting to one another, we sometimes text about being at home alone and needing the other, and send a progress report with successive pictures of our preparation.
The discussion question today is… What about you? Are you open and honest about your masturbation with your partner? If not, why? If you are, what secrets could you share with others who might be reading this that maybe they could incorporate into their life?
We’re both looking forward to your participation in this discussion.
š„ L&M ā¤ļø
It's funny, when we were younger, we talked about everything in life, except masturbation. I think we were both too embarrassed by it, I know for sure my wife was and avoided any conversations about it. Over the years, we got a little more open. We were married about 25 years and I decided to come completely open about it. I was not going to hide it anymore, she would know everything.
I talked to her about it one day. Yes, she knew I did, but not how often. She thought once or twice a month, not 2 or 3 times a week, she was shocked. I told her I was not going to hide it anymore and haven't since. If I am feeling the need, I always ask for sex first, every time, if she isn't interested or busy, THEN it is ok to masturbate. We neither do it without asking the other first. It wasn't easy, I think men have a hard time being honest about it because we tend to do it more.
It made us closer for sure, one of the best things we ever did. We do it together sometimes instead of sex. It makes you cut down some too if you are telling them each time.
Honest communication. Love it!!! ā¤ļø
I love all the steps you are taking to keep the passionate fires burning. I also hope that youāll write about some of them š
Yes sir š
I'm very honest with her about my masturbation. Between the two of us, I'm sure I masturbate more than she does. Now, I don't tell her every time I do, honestly for men, I think some masturbation is stress release or at times to get rid of a morning erection when morning sex is impractical. It's not being deceptive not to mention those times, it just isn't important. When we discuss masturbation, it's usually a run-up to sex. She likes to hear what I think or fantasize about while I stroke my cock. I love hearing her detail what's going on in her head while she fingers herself to orgasm. Often, those little confessions lead to new sexual exploration. They are an effective way to get out those hidden fetishes and desires.
Sometimes, communicating about self-pleasure it's very direct. I'll tell her I need some release and she has to either watch me or join me. That's a favorite. The shower is her preferred masturbating environment. When she takes a shower, I always offer to help. The other night, she told me she didn't need any help, but I could stand at the door and listen. (Incredibly hot BTW).
I've never seen any reason to be secretive about it. Masturbation is another healthy aspect of our sexual relationship. We both masturbate alone and in front of each other. Honestly, I believe masturbating in front of your partner is more intimate and personal than doing it alone. We usually straddle each other to masturbate, (she calls that, "the view") often, she likes to tell me how she wants me to masturbate for her which can be highly erotic. We masturbate during sex, most often when giving each other anal attention.
The best thing to incorporate into your sex life is inventiveness and honesty. Those two things can take you to places you never thought possible.
I liked the look of my, what was then, future wife on first sight when I started as Manager of the Food Store she was working in.
We started dating and would end the date at her Parents house, doing our courting on their sofa after they had gone to bed.
They were such happy and blissful times taking our time, in comfort to leisurely / passionately french kiss each other which, of course got us both very aroused – she in her mid / me in my late twenties. Oh, the feel of her tongue in my mouth, on my lips and around my ears and neck was electrifying ! Whilst this was happening, we fondled each other over our clothes, especially me over her full tits and her on my erect cock – this caused me to visibly lubricate my precum by being able to see a damp patch on my trousers.
[…]
This was the first of many a masturbation session !
[From MH: While mutual masturbation is definitely relevant to this discussion post, we do ask that any eroticized stories of such activities be limited to single masturbation or married encounters. Publishing material about unmarried sexual encounters, including mutual masturbation, conflicts with our mission to promote hot married sex. However, we see that you put a lot of time, thought and effort into writing that memory, which was clearly special to you and your wife even though you weren't married at the time, so we saved it to a story draft on your account so that you can keep it for personal purposes if you wish.]
Love everything about this and about you and Sarah
We had our conversation about masturbating not long after we got married. My company got a new job out of state, and I was getting ready to head out of state to start it up. My wife asked what we were going to do with ourselves being separated for a while, after having so much sex from on honeymoon until now. I told her I know what I was going to do! When I get to my hotel room, I'm going to take a shower, get hard thinking About eating your pussy, and jack off like a crazy person!
That got us talking about masturbation, and it turned into a show & tell! Masturbating alone was no concern, and together, became a new part of our 'things to do'!!
We've caught each other, several times, and wow, is that ever hot! It's better than masturbating together I think!
Couples are way too uptight about it. We are not!
YĆ yyyyy love hearing this!!
I would say we are honest about it. At first, in our marriage, it was a no no. I brought my sexual habits into the marriage thinking everybody did it this way. I have JO since the 3rd grade, so I was very used to it. My wife can count on 1 hand how many times she has masturbated. By some preconceived notion marriage meant dedicated sex like a Disney princess move would imply. So, basically, routine marriage bed sex for happily ever after. This had no room for reality sex. Leaving out masturbation.
But, as our marriage got older things loosened up. Where she used to say to save it for her (meaning do sex with her, & don't masturbate) it became allowed once she realized she wasn't wanting sex as much, just don't tell her about it. Later, I formally, I asked her about it, telling her I was going to if we weren't having sex as much. She said ok. Now, she will ask if I did, & she is much more chill about it.
I don't get my wife, I wish I did. But, trying to discuss this can lead to a fight. So, I don't. She has said we will have more crazy sex once the kids leave the house, but that is not anytime soon, & will it actually happen? I so wish & pray for an open discussion marriage where she & I can discuss & experience the best & worst sex has to offer, like a Bonnie & Clyde of God sex. But, now we are more like Spongebob & Squidward.
But, we are not retired yet, & we still have grown kids in the house. So, there is still hope.
Hi SCMM,
Thereās a fundamental incongruity in a spouse saying masturbation is a āno, noā and then being OK with it as long as it alleviates some of their marital responsibility where sex is concerned. We all begin to develop our ideas and notions about sex at a much younger age than we think. However hers formed, her ideas about sex are not likely to change āonce the kids leave.ā I would strongly urge you to seek some counseling with her. Frequent, loving sex with an active partner, engaged in sexual exploration, is one of the great gifts of a marriage and is worth fighting for, especially if there is authentic love between two people. Don't wait for what might happen, fight for it now.
Colorado Artist, I agree with everything you said, but in my admittedly narrow experience, women who put off these conversations or make promises for later never intend to follow through. While counseling would be ideal, unless the woman in question is actually open to change, there is nothing anyone could say that would change her mind.
Itās a gloomy truth that some women just arenāt interested in sex and they never will be. Some of these women also donāt want their husbands to masturbate, leaving the husband to hide the inevitable expression of his sexual need.
Good men wonāt cheat, theyāll just suffer in silence after theyāve said everything they can and done everything they can.
While your advice is sound, and I hope truly helpful to SCMM, a lot of guys have to live in a much different reality, and one that will not change.
Thanks CA
I see your wisdom & hear your understanding. You are absolutely right. There is something wrong. I have asked her to go to counseling. And, I am neutral on how the empty nest will go. But, I am afraid it is in God's hands if she breaks through to sexual freedom & fun.
All my posts are true. So, it is there to have sex. It's just not everything to her. I may have messed up to where she can't forgive me, maybe she is stuck at an age where she is in control, maybe it's family tradition, or all the above.
So, I chalk it up to we all have different crosses to bear. I do what I can, she loves me, & we have sex seasonally. Any & all options are open, it's in God's hands. Confrontation is not reasonable. So, I pray & try to be the husband my wife can see Jesus with. I appreciate your reply, thanks.
First let me ask if your wife visits this site or even those that you do?
The old adage is never put off for tomorrow which you can do today.
Opportunities change, experiences change, people change. Our kids have grown up moved out come back in left again. If we use that as an excuse we would never have sex. On top of that we've gone through health changes which have challenged our sex life. An opportunity that presents itself no matter what it is is meant to be taken advantage of when it presents itself. If not the opportunity often passes.
Your wife is not unlike many girlfriends I've had and kind of attitude that I developed part way into our marriage due to our beliefs.
One of the understandings gained about sexual monogamous relationship is that it's not just about staying true it's about each other providing for the other what they need and the understanding that it isn't contingent upon whether we want to or not but what it is that they need and that goes both ways.
It's not just about being willing to engage in the sexual desires with the person you are monogamous with it's about not putting over expectations for a person to engage all the time in everything that you desire.
In other words this is a relationship where we consider the other before ourselves. It's all based on love and not trust.
Thank you for being honest and sharing this it's the exact reason why the question was posed to begin with.
Lady L.
Hi SCMM
Iāve been around for a long time and have seen the withholding of sex destroy marriages. Iāve also seen two people come together past incredible differences and come out whole on the other side. From what Iāve gathered, the ones who come out whole have at least one partner willing to face difficulties honestly and find the things they can change in themselves as a place to start.
It is helpful to ask, āAm I someone who deserves the things that are important to me?ā The answer is almost inevitably, no, we arenāt. What then can a spouse do to orient themselves toward their partner so that their partner actively wants to fulfill the promises of marriage with them? Ultimately, change must be found outside argument and differences; those tactics create walls and stifle honest discussion. We avoid addressing the pain of our differences by accepting the pain of stagnation, which isnāt much of an option in the long run. Frankly, it hurts like hell.
My advice over the years, and for what itās worth, has been to acknowledge the walls and also seek out the subtle pathways to another personās heart. Do I endear myself to her? In those moments, do I offer kindness and attentiveness? Am I helpful? Do I rise to the occasion when authentic masculinity is called for? Am I an attentive father and husband? If Iāve wronged her, have I honestly asked for forgiveness and shown repentance? Am I the person they once hoped I would be? Over time, these things matter a lot. Is it possible they wonāt change the landscape? Itās possible, but it does make change more likely, and if it doesnāt, youāve made yourself a better person.
Crosses are complicated, and hidden within them are lessons He wants us to learn, or ways He wants us to be annealed. It isnāt enough to simply bear their burden; we have to understand the purpose within that burden and what to do with it. As spouses, we carry unique crosses. In many ways, weād be better off never getting married in the first place. Except that quirky, incorrigible, wonderfully irritating person has decided to make a life with poor, painfully imperfect us. And if that is worth a life, it is worth the effort to make things whole, including those little, subtle efforts over time.
KM is right. Thank you for your insight KM.
Tutchh, no, my wife does not frequent this sight, nor any others like it. She knows I am on here, but doesn't participate. I have, even within the last few weeks, shared articles with her, from here, & various sites, in the past. We have 30+ years of marriage. My very first post here is majorly about what I have been through & the way I see things. My wife & I are fundamentally different. I was raised to be devoted to Christ, where she was raised that you can take or leave church. I baptized her. She has always considered herself a christian. Yet, attendance & seeking was not taught in her home, growing up.
This fundamental difference has led to many clashes over the years. Plus, it is the only explanation I find for the tools she has to deal with life. We did separate around year 5. This, imo, was also due to these fundamental differences. It is not political at all, but is like how different liberals are from conservatives. It's worldview. We are both believers, & all our kids are, it is just the household dynamic we were raised in. She is much more stereotypical, much like Everybody Loves Raymond, or King Of Queens, in her marriageview. This seed was planted at inception. Very worldly, since personal pursuit of God was not taught. Just as my marriageview was given to me on day 1, but very christian. So, as much as we are the same, we are different.
We just had sex last night. If I hadn't of brought it up, it wouldn't have happened. As frustrating as this is, I don't judge her for it. When we separated I changed. I knew, as a christian, divorce wasn't supposed to be. I started wanting to save my marriage, but quickly stopped that. I knew I had to get right with Jesus. I became a disciple, a student. I had to have faith that God would save my marriage if He wanted to, which I knew He did. But, I had to let Jesus save me. This changed my life. I gave her an open door to leave, telling her it was ok. God got me this far, He would get me through the rest. She returned & we have been better, slowly progressing ever since.
I think it is a fundamental view of husband, wife, & marriage. As I said she is stereotypical. This leads to sexual differences. Her dynamic is to not communicate about hard things unless you have to. Then, it is with anger, because she had to. She was taught to avoid confrontation. So, over the years, very slowly, I adjust, & so has she.
There is a lot that goes into this. Forgiveness is different. Our sexual pasts are different. It's kind of like she didn't put in any training for marriage until after the honeymoon. But, at least I do see her willingness to learn with me. When we came back together from the separation, I knew she would not have changed much, if any. Yet, she saw a change in me. Of which I am still changing, I will never arrive. I still am a sinner, saved by grace, until I am rid of this flesh. This flesh still gets in the way as I am trying to be the husband that gives up himself for his wife.
If you think I'm wrong on this path, ask Jesus who hung on a cross, giving up himself for His bride.
Her dynamic has allowed her to lean on her understanding. Which we all do. This allows the stereotypical excuses of body image, aging, etc. I allow, & give the benefit of doubts. I have to give her the space I want for myself. If that means divorce in the future, which I don't think it will, so be it. It won't be because I failed to follow Jesus as a husband. She also has an immune disorder, & takes some meds. She manages it all very well. Her job isn't the best for her, but she loves it. She can avoid sex, while excitedly doing many other things that cause her aches & pains that she will say sex does (this is not sexual pain at all, she is very orgasmic & loves sex when we do it, it is routine aches & pain of the daily grind). So, I do see the rock & hard place. I get it. And thank you CA, & Tutchh for your concerns. Your words are not lost on me.
I still flirt. I still steal touches & feels. I still engage sexual advances. I try to keep things humorous, gentle, but I still do let her know of the serious aspects of what she is doing. And, she does recognize, & apologizes, for what she is doing. She knows she doesn't want sex as much as I. She knows she is more negative & critical than I, though we both share that personality. She hears my complaints much better, now, than she used to. We both show signs of a growing two as one marriage. Yet, the sexual aspect can still be frustrating.
I honestly believe she is at war with herself. As an example, she is more ok with masturbation than she used to be. This comes from her predicament, sure, but we have had some communication about it. It is not her favorite thing to discuss, nor do. But, as I have insisted & been more understanding to her she has slowly opened up to it. This is not because she has never done it, or that she sees it as a sin, nor does she hate it. Because she has done it, pre & post wedding day. I see her having an inner tug of war of who she wants to please. Her parents never showed public displays of affection. Yet, she loves when I pat her butt in public. Her parents never hugged, nor said I love you. Yet, she has learned to kiss & say I love you to the kids early on from me (no longer kiss the kids now that they are all grown, but we still hug, & say we love them every hi & bye, & good night). So, there is something to hang my hat on. I can literally attest to how changing your own life, with Jesus, can help influence others to make that change as well.
So, all this results in a slow process. Sometimes I have great days & not so great days. Yet, I don't get as low as I used to. God means for us to go through what we go through to be refined. I am still a lousy husband. But, we are better than we used to be. Glory2God.
Love the spongebob/squidwad transformation.
Here's to honest sexual communication.
Letās be real life with three kids under 10 doesnāt exactly scream āendless bedroom time.ā Between diapers, work, and sheer exhaustion, there are nights weāre just done. But hereās the beautiful, honest truth: intimacy doesnāt have to be all or nothing. One of the biggest gifts weāve embraced in our marriage? Masturbation both solo and mutual as a way to stay connected, playful, and present with each other.
Some nights, weāre side by side in bed, a show playing in the background, and our hands slowly exploring. Itās not rushed or forced just natural, relaxed, and filled with intention. Sometimes itās both of us, sometimes just one, but thereās no shame in it. In fact, we love how itās become a normal part of our rhythm whether itās in the shower, on a trip, or even during the rare quiet moments at home.
We donāt see masturbation as a ālesserā form of intimacy. For us, itās an act of love, connection, and delight one more way to enjoy each other in the fullness of our covenant. Itās playful. Itās sacred. And yesā¦ itās sexy. š
Great story of accepting alternatives in trying times. So happy for you!
It took years before my wife and I discussed masturbation. Weāre LDS and we were taught not to masturbate, but in the last few decades itās not been an issue, especially for married couples. So one night I brought up the subject by admitting that I masturbated, especially while deployed. I also admitted that if she was asleep when I got home from working a swing shift, Iād masturbate.
It was a great conversation, and she told me she had been flicking the bean too. I told her I started when I was 11, and she said she was about the same age when she started. I asked how often she masturbated while in high school, thatās where we met. She said at least twice a day. I think I got a woody at the very thought of the young girl I knew was having solo time that frequently.
After this night, masturbation was an integral part of our sex life. Later she had a condition called Lichen Sclerosis in her genitals. It looked just like herpes but it wasnāt, and it hurt her to very much, and so intercourse was ruled out.
Luckily she could still use an external vibrator, while Iād masturbate neck to her. She especially liked it when Iād kneel next to her shoulder where she could watch me, or draw my cock into her mouth. But her favorite thing was when Iād cum across her breasts.
So that our story until she passed away of a heart attack in her sleep.
Sarge, first of all I'm sorry for your loss.
And this answer is very representative for why I asked the question to begin with. I have had quite a few girlfriends over the years who confessed to me privately that their masturbation was done in secret. In large part due to the teachings about it that they received. For a couple to take something like this which we consider to be a private secret and be able to share it , accept it, use it for mutual enjoyment the truly a huge breakthrough for couples. To be able to do this is to literally deconstruct a tool of the enemy. The create secrets, and thus a wall between two people who should be the open about the most intimate things between themselves.
Secrecy among a couple is like a subversive tool used to break down a loving relationship from the inside.
You spoke of lichen sclerosis. For those who don't know about this it's one of those things which one a woman ages can develop. I myself have been diagnosed with this and have started using hormone creams which have helped immensely.
And the fact that we have such an open candor and sexual life between us has enabled us to tackle this problem as we have any other that has come against us and our relationship.
Lady L.ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
I masturbated a lot before marriage. Then I thought I shouldn't do it anymore. Then kids came and I was not horny very much. One day I caught hubby I in our room stroking his cock with a pair of my panties and was smelling another pair. He was saying how he loved my big ass when I startled him. He was mortified. I was mad but we ended up talking about a lot of things.
Now we know we both masturbate especially when he's out of town. I make sure to put one of thongs in his suitcase now with a naughty note. Then we have some phone sex.
I have done the same. Panties I've orgasmed in.
It usually earns me a sext of him mastuarbating with them.
And a few times when he got home. Some you're a naughty girl sex with spanking, repeoof amd the panties stuffed in my mouth while leaned over a counter, table or armrest .
Itās awesome to see so many women embracing masturbation and doing it often! Question: do any of you have girlfriends or female family members (sisters, mom) that still say/claim that they donāt masturbate and never have?
This is Irene. One of my married friends at church told me she has never masturbated She was raised that it is a sin.