The Dance Of Decades – Thoughts on Sexual Education and Pornography
As a fair warning, if porn is a sin issue for you, I suggest that you may not want to read this. I don’t want to cause anyone to sin. This is just where I am with the issue. This will be a pro and con look at it.
As we all are, I am a work in progress. Any thoughts or conclusions I have today may be gone tomorrow.
With that said, let’s begin…
The Dance of Decades
Thoughts on Sexual Education and Pornography
Apart from my parents, at a very early age, I had no formal sexual education. No lectures, text books, or classroom type teaching. You know, the type of education we pretty much have to have for all other aspects of life.
My parents education consisted of their living example and a one-time (from each parent) question asking me if I knew playing doctor was a bad thing. Essentially, asking me if I knew not to do that. Looking back now, I notice a clear neglect of responsibility, with basically all adults around me at home, school, or church, failing to raise a child in the way that they should go.
Yet, that neglect did not stop puberty from happening. Nor, did it stop the world around me from trying to educate me on it, with all of its sin, in all its various forms. What were adults thinking?
They were not thinking. They told us not to, or gave us the silent treatment. Yet whether we were informed or ignorant, the potential to do wrong was still there. At least a life long education gives us knowledge and a chance to walk the narrow path. That is where the power to do right begins. Potential for good starts going up the more we are properly educated—just like we children are equipped to get a driver’s license by the time we are sixteen, because we’ve had a direct and indirect education from day one.
The same should be said for sex, but it isn’t. Evil has everybody scared of sex, but not scared enough to stop doing it.
Most, if not all, of my thoughts on porn, masturbation, and any other sex topic was influenced by this neglect of adults. The silence left me alone. Essentially, my conclusions were all self-inflicted. Apart from the living example of the church and world, there was nothing. Mmmaayybe in high school there may have been something, but nothing sticks out. Even my Christian school education tried one time to pose the same question my parents did. But, it was only one day. One class. Why did they give up? The only indirect message I got was to not mess around, keep it in my pants, and wait until marriage.
But still, all my curiosity, education and conclusions were me walking through a world of sex. Sex, happening right before my eyes. A world I didn’t create. Yet this neglect the world pushed on me did not stop my brain function. I was processing—on my own—all along the way.
The positive and mostly negative aspects of living in a sexual world blew in and out of my life. I was hooked on both sexual curiosity and Jesus, early in life. But, no one ever volunteered to openly discuss things in a proper manner. So, my sexual education was whatever I came up with. No one offered, but I didn’t go asking either. With the sin of the world, the silence of the church, and the desire of my flesh, it ended up being a personal education I had to keep hidden—tailor-made to my likes and dislikes.
My only choices were to either to go along with the example given me, or to hide what I understood to be sin, when quite possibly, if I had been educated properly, I would’ve found some things to not be a sin. All my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual experience was actively kept hidden. I feared letting people—both adults and kids my age—know my questions or experiences.
But then again, I had my share of friends that were in the same boat as me. And when we were together, we did life together. We discussed sex with those we found could be trusted. We even shared porn with each other. So, even as things were hidden, it was all kept to myself, or kept to my closest friends I ran around with, because they were the same as me.
So, needless to say, I have wrestled with myself all my life. The tug-o-war between sin and Jesus is what I am used to.
The dance of decades.
Alone.
I wonder if my human experience, condition and history is why I associate fear, negativity and hiding with my thoughts, early in life, and still today; or if it’s God’s Spirit within helping me guard my heart and not sin.
Now, here I am. Since around ’96 or so, I have exclusively been in my Bible. That has led me to think and rethink my stand on things.
Then, as my sex drive did not go away, I found MH. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives here at MH. It is a truly valuable asset. I finally have a place to let things out, think through, and celebrate. I am no longer afraid of me. I am no longer afraid of Jesus. Sex is a real, created part of me. I am now able to stop and dissect. I am now learning more and more what is flesh and what is Spirit.
In all of this, I have a history with porn and masturbation. They have been, for better or worse, a protected part of me. As I have tried to bring them to the light of Christ, the church never took the bait. I have never found a Christian ally in my struggle.
Like potty humor, or toilet talk, sex becomes something a lot of people want to avoid, rather than just embracing it as God’s created good. Also, this pattern of avoiding comes from the fact that we sin, too. We want to hide it, or protect it. Then, add to that the sins others have done to us. It really is a huge mess of avoidance. Even the abused are helped to embrace facts, forgive, and move on without imposing the abusive past onto their present and future.
Embracing isn’t about approving sin. It’s about Christlikeness that accepts the reality no matter how rough (or plush) it may be. Embracing is about me being in control—where I happen to my circumstances, and not the other way around.
We do have to be strong to control sin. But again, most kids don’t drive a car at ten years old. Why? They aren’t ready yet. They’re missing the preparation they need. Education. Knowledge. Proper examples lived out in front of the child ALL THEIR LIFE.
Now, I am learning to do this, still alone, but with God, for God, and with MHers like you. Thank you.
The dust has yet to settle, but I am seeing more clearly than ever.
Here is where I am on porn, now.
All my uncles had porn in their homes. Easy to find, barely hidden. One had Playboys on the end table in his living room, whether kids were present, or not. I never heard a peep of complaint about it from my parents. Even saw my dad flipping through one while I sat across the room.
When I was growing up, there was not a single friend of mine that did not know what porn was.
My mom used to buy porn for my dad. That stopped once we started going to church.
I think the porn industry is evil, sinful, and wrong. It is prostitution. Behind and before the camera, it is literal adultery and fornication—an industry that is built on anti-Christ principles. It was never started as a pro-marriage business. It started as illegal. Not until the 1950s was it legalized. But even though it’s now legal, it is not—and never was—righteous. It was always an evil business.
I think the sexual revolution made Christians mad more than anything. We picked up our ball and went home. I wish we hadn’t. James Dobson tried to stay relevant on Donahue, but that’s about it.
After the 60s, the church and world relationship has been eroding silently as the church has been more and more interested in worldly ways. But immoral sex has always been there. The 60s were just icing on a cake started back in Bible times.
I do not consider private sex play—masturbation, pictures, videos, married sex, and even sex play with others within God’s boundaries—to be “the porn business”. I do not believe the good stuff on MH is porn, nor a sin, whether viewed as a single person or married.
I do believe there is a galaxy of potential sexual activities that are Godly that can be had for God’s church. Some activities are not for all, and some can be controversial, but there is liberty. But liberty cannot neglect the weak brother.
I believe the need for salvation is more important than sex play—as much as I obsess, and as much as I want sex and stress over it. The weak brother and sister in church—and salvation as a whole—is what Jesus died for. It is a sin against God not to care for and love the weak, before my own liberties.
Let me finish with this: Ten reasons the porn business is a sin to view.
- It is not God.
- It is prostitution.
- It is adultery and fornication.
- It is a time stealer—that time is better used serving others.
- It doesn’t promote, nor care about, Godly marriage.
- It is only about the physical orgasm. Nothing spiritual, mental, nor emotional. Nothing humane, whole-person, or whole-race about it.
- It teaches sin as righteous—especially to the weak.
- It is only about stimulation without control. Not just sex before marriage, but also illegal sex.
- It is a dark world, behind the scenes, of even worse sin and immorality than is depicted on screen.
- My participation helps it exist, and causes my brother or sister to stumble away from Jesus.
Ten reasons the porn business could be not a sin to view.
- We live in a fallen world of sin that we cannot get away from, except through turning our minds and hearts to Jesus and serving Him. We read, watch, and listen to the sin of this world all the time. Our own bodies are sin, to be burned up in the end, replaced with new bodies in Heaven. This setting may lead a viewer of porn to understand that porn is no worse than watching a game show, the news, sports, etc.
- Viewing porn does not force one to lust, nor commit a sinful act. Many people just masturbate, or just get a little sexual buzz, then leave sexual pursuits alone.
- You can view porn and keep your Godly standards intact.
- Viewing porn is not always lust FOR sin. It can just be a lust to view porn.
- Many viewers of porn would have committed adultery or fornication without it. Adultery and fornication exist regardless of porn existing.
- Hearing about and seeing acts of sin in other capacities does not stop us from going to work, socializing with friends and family, leaving our house, or going to the store.
- Many times our judging of porn viewing comes from hurt, superiority, a lack of knowledge, or just being scared of it. But this is not a sober, knowledgeable, or self-controlled reaction.
- If just viewing a sin is a sin, then God who sees all has sinned.
- If telling stories that involve sexual sin is a sin, again, God is a sinner, every other sexually active person is too.
- There is no explicit scripture “thou shalt not” prohibition to the viewing, or getting excited at, the sins of others.
Jesus was clear that what comes out of our heart defiles us. The context of food is given as what goes into us. But the defiling things that come out of us are of the heart. Evil thoughts and sexual sin are in the list of what defiles.
I built my own traditions of sex using my own heart, and other peoples actions around me, with me, or even against me. What I do with what I take in is where sin starts.
I came to the conclusion that masturbation was a sin based on church silence, youthful jokes, and the inexperience of others around me.
Then, I labeled porn as sin based on my understanding of masturbation, mistaken views of marital fidelity, and everybody’s avoidance of it—all of which comes from a lack of education and Godly knowledge.
Thanks for listening, MH. Love you all.
Wow. What a comprehensive, detailed, and informative delve into the subject of sexual struggle, and one that I can identify with all to well.
Most of your struggles could be mine and run in almost exact parallel with what I have faced in my own life.
They continue and are made worse by the fact that I live in a sexless marriage. My daily struggle with what to do and how to deal with an unrelenting urge to experience sex in some way torture me.
Like you, I have been unable to reach a definitive conclusion on what is okay to view and what is not.
I don’t think I’m going to figure that out today.
Thank you for sharing this. It highlights what so many of us face. I don’t know what the solution is other than to promote Godly sex in marriage, but that does nothing to help in the short term to those of us with unmet expectations, needs, and satisfaction.
Thank you for being vulnerable SCMM.
You're right how things go both ways trying to figure it out. It'd be easier if it weren't as accessible & wife were into sex like I am. I feel your pain as we go thru more droughts than anything. Then, when it does happen it's more hurry up than intimate fun.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Most people aren’t willing to look at two sides of a topic with this much honesty. I was anti porn for a long time mostly due to legalistic upbringing. Have been in the pro porn camp now for 7-8 years. Won’t share all my reasons why, but you address some of them.
Currently (because this post took a long while to be posted) I would say I am con porn. Just because it is a huge waste of time, but more the causing others to sin. If they knew, my witness of Christ could be shot. I do not think viewing nudity, nor sex, of sinners or the church is a sin. Yet, I don't think the church is able to handle sex like Bible heroes used to, imo. We just are not mature enough to handle it. In this way, I think, for me, porn is bad stewardship.
Just where I am, today. I do appreciate what you are saying & actually would love to have a discussion with you, to hear your convictions, & conclusions. Too bad it won't happen face to face, maybe on here somehow.
First, I'm sorry for the struggles you've gone through. I can somewhat sympathize, and I pray that God would continue bringing you healing and progress in overcoming the negative effects of these experiences.
You're 100% right about the issues you called out that you experienced in early life. Worldly adults who do not fear God influence children with all kinds of evil, and Christian adults are far too often not spiritually mature enough or wise enough to teach their children well about the things that matter most.
My parents only did maybe a notch or two better than yours in sexual education. Thank God I never got into any truly devastating self-destructive sexual behavior, mostly because I was always in good church community and didn't have a lot of close interaction with non-Christians in my early life. So my parents definitely did well there, for which I'm grateful. But their oversight in neglecting to educate me about sexuality did cause problems. I didn't even know what sex was when I entered puberty. So naturally, I didn't know what the Bible or the rest of the non-Christian world thought about sex either. I still thought babies just kind of happened randomly after people got married, and I was still trying to wrap my head around that one time when my mom disappointedly mentioned that some people do something that God doesn't approve of that makes them have babies without being married. I didn't know how that was possible.
So at 13, when I started having frequent involuntary erections and experiencing this weird, unbidden desire to see women naked, I had no idea what to do with it. With no guidance, and no acknowledgement of these pubescent realities from my parents, I didn't feel safe to ask them about it, so I explored on my own. Unfortunately, a 13-year-old searching "naked women" on the internet never goes well. I found pornography, and when I first saw sex acts, like an erect penis in a vagina, I had no idea what I was seeing. Before then, I didn't even know women HAD parts like that down there. I just knew I enjoyed seeing these things, and kept looking for more. When my parents found out, probably a few weeks later, I felt so embarrassed. Somehow I knew what I was doing was bad, but I didn't know why. My dad read me a few token Bible verses about guarding my eyes and such, my mom locked me out of the computer, and they pretty much left it at that.
But I found other ways to access porn, especially after a couple years when I got my own computer.
I thank God for leading me to MarriageHeat, which was the single greatest resource that broke me away from porn use, and has continued to be the single greatest resource in developing my views and values around sexuality.
I fully agree that the production of pornography is wrong for many reasons, from the performers' direct commission of sexual sins, to encouraging viewers to commit those same sins, to manipulative and coercive practices toward performers, to the twisting of sex from a mutual and intimate act of love into an act of self-centered pleasure and sometimes even violence, and many more reasons.
I understand that the viewing is often separated from the production, but I do think that by intentionally consuming something that you know is made by immoral means, you are furthering and supporting the evil acts committed in its production. That's definitely one reason why using porn is wrong.
But the best principle I've found for why viewing pornography is wrong is this: It is wrong to enjoy what is evil.
As Christians, we are commanded to be like God. That means we are to love good and hate evil. I believe God's hatred of evil means it is impossible for him to enjoy evil. I think it is fundamentally impossible to enjoy an act of evil while still recognizing it as evil and properly hating it as such.
That still leaves out the question of watching erotic videos of non-evil sexual acts, like single masturbation or married sex, but the principle above covers probably 98% of the porn out there. For the other 2%, I'm still in the middle of considering where the boundaries are, but that would be a discussion for another time.
Thank you SCMM for sharing your thoughts and sparking this discussion! Conversations like this have helped shape and mature my views into what they are now, so thank you for continuing that valuable service for newer readers!
Thanks for your story, & support. I understand where you are coming from when you say, "It is wrong to enjoy what is evil." Yet, (& I am not against you when I say this) I wonder about things I see in the Bible.
Like how God used the Egyptians loot to fund the exodus. Or, how He used pagan countries to carry out His will on Israel. I in no way am equating this to enjoying evil. Yet, God used them. He even hoped they would repent & turn to Him by using them & giving them victory over Israel. Again, this is not God enjoying evil. But, I wonder if a christian is at liberty to enjoy themself at the expense of evil. Using it for my personal purpose. In all my years of using porn it never directly made me lust to commit adultery. Indirectly, it helped me fornicate. But, I was never under its spell to uncontrollably seek sex because I just watched it.
Also, how can believers be perfectly sinless like God, in these bodies we have? I am not making an excuse. It is just that our Bible tells us evil is there whenever we want to do righteousness. I am not saying acquiesce to it. But, I wonder if there is something I am missing. That maybe I still hate sin & love righteousness while I am in this sin cursed body. And, maybe that is why God built forgiveness into our walk. Because we serve the law of Christ with our minds & serve the law of sin with our flesh.
I mean no disrespect. I get where you come from. I do wrestle with your points. Just tying not to wrestle with the wrong things if I really don't have to.
Your responses are always thoughtful, and I found this one especially helpful. I read both it and the original post in a moment when I was wrestling strongly with uncertainties about pornography. Both the post and your own comment reaffirmed my own convictions about hardcore porn, and renewed my resolution not to entangle myself in it.
Thank you for helping me on my journey. May God bless you on yours! Keep up the thoughtful commenting, and stay spicy!
Very thoughtful, excellent pro and con article. I agree with much (all?) of what you posit. It serves as a very good discussion piece for Christians to dig into this topic.
MH has blessed so many of us, and we all have friends that would, as we, find the sexual, holy marriage, and pre-marital liberating nature of MH to be exactly what we/they have been seeking for. Other friends might raise their eyebrows and even question if MH is porn (for them, a weaker brother or sister it might be).
Stories and comments on MH have helped me enjoy a masturbatory moment – often. They have enhanced and spiced up our marriage bed. For me, MH is a sacred place (thanks to our moderators to keep it that way) to learn, discover, and live out my joy of sexuality and sex as God created that deep desire in me.
Wow, thank you for this thoughtful, vulnerable piece! Your experience resonated with mine, in that I was told nothing by my parents and had to figure everything out alone. I praise God for leading me to MH; this site has helped me so much, and those who founded and run it may not know how powerfully it's been used for good until we meet in heaven. Your points about porn are certainly food for thought. I agree with much of it. It is a topic I am working out as well. May God continue to guide you and give you freedom, and bless you with His gifts of holy sexuality.
Thanks LLL. May He bless you as well. It's good to hear your encouragement. Thank you.
Thanks for the blog! To turn this issue/question on its head: how would you, or everyone on this page, think about the issue of erotic materials if it were not such a socially loaded issue?
IOW, if possible, take social views out of the moral equation, and look only at the Scriptural texts that deal with visual erotica and masturbation. To what conclusions does the Bible (sola scriptura) lead us on these issues, and why?
The Bible doesn't speak specifically on masturbation, though some believe the account of Onan refers to it. But he was struck down by God as punishment for refusing to continue his brother's line – it was a heart issue more than anything else. As for erotica, I keep going back to Jesus' words about "adultery of the heart", but there's also principles about shielding our eyes, hearts, and minds. The most erotic book ever published is the Song of Solomon, but the lack of explicit language minimizes the attraction for a lot of people. Pardon me for this, but if the man in that book had said "I'm going to eat your pussy all night", lots of folks would be eager to read it.
Conflicted, thanks for the thoughts! Just a couple of thoughts in return.
First, the sin of Onan clearly has nothing to do with any guilt related to masturbation. He was obligated to raise up seed for his widowed sister-in-law (Levirate marriage), and faithlessly refused to do so because he was wicked. So the sin was not masturbation in any sense; in fact, he was evidently guilty of "the withdrawal method" in this context, not masturbation.
Secondly, you refer to "adultery of the heart." But I believe a clear exposition of Matthew 5:28 reveals that the sin is lust/epithumia. Epithumia is not sexual arousal; rather, it is a deep inward desire to take a woman who is not your wife but is married to another man (the very definition of moicheia/adultery), and actually have sex with her. This is why the word "epithumia" is frequently translated as "covetousness;" a strong desire for that which is not yours and in fact is not right for you to have.
Unfortunately, the word "epithumia- craving, lust, strong desire, covetousness" has been mischaracterized as "sexual arousal," when in fact this is NOT what it means. What is DOES refer to is a strong inward craving, either in a positive or negative sense. So the current, common blanket interpretation and application of this term to simplistically refer to sexual arousal is simply wrong. In Matthew 5:28, Jesus was clearly referring to the sin of looking at someone else's spouse, and craving them for your own.
Ironically, Jesus does not mention at all their state of dress! It is most certainly possible to sexually crave someone who is completely clothed, and this is what Jesus is forbidding- when you see someone else's spouse, and you have a thought in your mind to take them for your own, repent of that immediately, because those are the thoughts that lead to adultery. If you allow such thoughts to remain, you are committing adultery in your heart.
Thirdly, the S of S certainly contains explicit sexual imagery couched in ancient Jewish metaphorical imagery. Solomon (depending on a person's view of authorship/redaction/compilation of the source material) was without doubt referring to explicit sexual acts, and there is another question about the chronology of the book regarding the marital state of the two lovers. It is a fallacy to "read backwards" contemporary western marriage customs into Jewish customs of 3000 years ago.
Your bigger point stands- we are to preserve and guard our hearts for Jesus and for the marriage covenant ordained by God. If the Bible is either silent or unclear on our liberties, whether inside or outside the marriage covenant, we are wrong to harshly draw lines which the Bible itself does not draw.
However, we must draw the lines where the Bible does clearly draw them, and abide by them with a willing and joyful heart.
Without social influence I take God's explicit rules to not enter another woman I am not married to. And where He is not explicit I see where He allowes liberty, or called a person out on their sin, & use that to find my liberty. But, also He says to love like He does, & leaves us to figure that out. Doing to others as I would have them do to me, means I have to care for my wife & family more than I care for myself. This means that if it would cause them to fall, or sin, I should not do it. Even, when they will never see my aide of it. I go to the cross & live as a sacrifice.
Unfortunate fact is you are not alone.
With the advent of the screen pornography entered our life in Mass quantities.
And it wasn't long before people realized they could become rich from it.
There are estimates as high as 30% as far as how much content on the internet is pornography.
The average age of initial contact with
pornography is 11.
Approximately 64% of men and 18% of women
Watch pornography at least once a week.
The average monthly viewing of pornography per month is 7 hours.
there is an average of 37 porn videos a day being created.
68 million search inquiries for porn everyday.
Increasingly porn is relabeled and reposted with different titles.
Often they are incestuous.
Many of the videos on the internet involve people involved in sexual slavery.
68% of divorces are reported as coming about from one spouse finding somebody else online or one spouse having an addiction to porn.
The estimated global income for the porn industry is estimated at 100 billion per year.
Porn sites using algorithm based on an initial search. Drawing the viewer down a rabbit hole of taboo subjects.
In 2025 there were 3,565,143. People providing sexual content on only fans. (That is only one of multiple content providing platforms.)
If you are on This site, it possibly means that you are a believer in God and his salvation provided for mankind. That means you also believe we need to be saved. That also means that you would believe that there is an enemy to God's creation.
That means you believe that there is such a thing as a devil.
And that means that you believe the devil longs to destroy God's creation, namely you and I.
The fact is he's been around for a long time he knows all of mankind's weaknesses and has worked on these things to perfection.
He knows how to get men and women to participate in the exploitation of humankinds weaknesses .
All things to be very mindful of for all of us.
We all, myself included need to re-examine our motivations and why we write the things we write here.
We need to re-examine whether we are operating on behalf of the enemy or whether we are operating in behalf of our Savior.
❤️
Thanks Tutchh
I am more con than pro porn. It seems I have been at it so long I can't shake it. That has led me to dissect it like I am doing here. I can't believe that porn is the only activity that has these effects on people. Bad habits christians do, all, have bad results, yet we come down hardest on porn. Why don't we stop watching the news that shows violence & murder?
Hi there,
I was actually browsing places where there could be found alternative views or debates that one doesn't usually see in Christian circles and I found your post and actually signed up to reply because this is a topic I've also been passionate about.
So, it's good to see someone else asking questions like this. But I thought I might share my two cents as it were.
We look at porn, as Christians, with blinders on, as if it is this large stumbling block for our faith as a whole. But in the same breath, most of us watch it and the guilt becomes either worse or weaker with time, depending on the individual. But we as Christians have been a little silly in our approach because we're again making this something that's black and white.
Porn isn't black or white (unless you search for interracial videos *just a joke), no, porn is neutral. Porn is like any product on the market. For example, a firearm can kill people, but do we ever call the weapon evil? No, we call its user evil if the weapon was used for murder.
So I would rather look at it this way, instead of us Christians having double-standards where we denounce pornography but secretly watch it, let's just be honest about it. The people who angered Jesus the most were those who pretended to be things they were not. What we should be asking ourselves then is, would this be good for me? See it this way, a man has a gluten intolerance but can't help but eat donuts, although he knows he should avoid them. But he isn't lactic intolerant so he freely drinks all the milk he wants. Apply this to the types of porn you consume. Maybe there are certain genres you must avoid? Or sites? Or companies known for exploitation? Maybe even there's porn that helps you in your intimacy or education? See what I'm getting at?
The statement that porn industries are evil and oppressive to people's rights can be applied to any industry. How many products do we consume in a day made by companies that oppress people? If we went by this standard, we'd have to stop using a lot of products.
What we need to stop doing is using the words (lust, adultery, fornication, sin, evil) to describe what porn is and why it's bad. Most Christians don't even understand the root meanings of those words. Watching people have sex in a video isn't "evil", it's just maybe a worthless thing to do at times, which means you've wasted time. It also isn't cheating as you didn't actually chase (lust-desire) after the people in the video.
My wife and I watch all manner of porn together, like gangbangs and orgies, but we've never thought of trying these things in real life, we're committed only to each other. Those videos we watch are there to heighten our own pleasure if we think that's what we want for the evening.
I think if any more Christians complain about porn then we ought to stop complaining and make a Christian porn site and own God's gift to us again instead of thinking that God wants to exclude us from sensuality.
I hope the above was insightful for all.
Very good. Exactly! I am all for calling a sin a sin. But, I want to know what the sin is, not what I, or others say they think it is. I want to be strong to say know to a sin because I know what it is instead of playing what if games that lend to ambiguity.
I think if my wife agreed with me I would be pro porn. But, as it is she is not, so I try & stay away from it. & here lately I am seeing that porn can be poor stewardship of our time, & body, spirit, body, mind, & heart wise.
Thanks for your reply. Whole hearted agree.
Both sides of this are extremely complex. The most legalistic fundamentalists will point to Jesus' own words from Matthew 5:28 – "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Well, I have a huge news flash for all those people – YOU'RE GUILTY OF THAT, TOO! So am I – it comes with being a fallen and selfish human being. Does that make it right or holy to God? Far from it, but what's the alternative when you're single with no prospects? You can't will your sex drive to shut down – I'm 45 and it still hasn't.
I first saw erotic movies at 15 on late-night cable, which led to Playboy and Penthouse, then eventually explicit online porn starting in my 20s. I often feel ashamed over my desire for it, but also very angry at God for placing such extreme limits. I know in my mind He does it to protect me, but my heart still rages because I'm lonely and often horny beyond reason. I've only had one previous relationship, and it was not a Godly one, even though I desperately wanted it to be. That was almost 20 years ago, and I haven't seen her since. But so many times when I watch porn, I'm still trying not to objectify the women I see in the process. I want to respect women and never treat them like objects, but here's more news for ladies – your average man wants to fuck any remotely attractive woman he sees the moment he lays his eyes on her. If he wants to serve Jesus, then he holds that desire back as best he can, but it still goes against our fallen nature.
Modern feminism has convinced legions of women that the only way to conquer selfish men is "beating them at their own game", so now there's girls who have 30 partners or more by the time they reach that number in age. The media encourages it, especially Hollywood…and porn does too. I willingly admit as a man myself, that if people like me stopped watching it, eventually the porn industry would crumble…but that absence would very likely be filled by something far worse. I'll be 100% honest here – I have some strict guidelines regarding the kinds of porn I watch. First, no kids or girls who appear underage. Second, no homosexual or multiple men. Third, no inter-ethnic actions (just a preference). Finally, nothing that involves human waste or anything else that's truly disgusting. I know some of you are probably asking yourselves "What about lesbians?" In all honestly, I sometimes enjoy them, and at others I don't. If most men were honest with themselves and the women they love, they'd admit the idea of being with two women is a huge turn-on.
I know I'm compromising a lot with this, definitely in sinful ways…but so much of the time, my greatest desire is to have a Godly wife someday so I can surrender all this garbage and have someone real. I wake up most days with a raging hard-on; sometimes I ignore it and others I don't. But so many times, I ask God to help me keep my mind and heart pure, in any capacity. I long for the day I can celebrate all these desires, and not have to repent anymore.
With respect, Matthew 5:28 is not referring to looking at and being aroused by women. It's about desiring a married woman, this is the essence of adultery. Christ didn't invent a new command here as single people can't commit adultery with other single people. What Jesus was saying was that your inward heart in pursuing a married woman in order to have her in your life in some way is an adulterous heart. Ergo, your actions outside don't only matter, but so do your inward decisions.
Furthermore, Christ never spoke of humans as fallen. This is a modern religious construct which has no basis in the Bible. We are prone to mistake-making yes, but we were designed like that in order to ascertain meaning in life.
If that day never comes, remember He forgives you. That is the great thing about Jesus, He forgives. He knows our struggle. Thank you for sharing your story. My sexual desires have not stopped either. But, that does not stop Jesus from loving us. As long as we want Him He wants us.
@TheErect – To be most specific, we can't say for certain that Jesus said anything, because He never left behind anything directly transcribed by Him. That said, He did trust His followers to speak for Him. Matthew 15:19 & Mark 7:21-23 illustrate our broken nature which occured in Genesis. Hebrews, James, & Romans all contain references as well.
Jeremiah 17:9 says in the Old Testament, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" If God created created us perfect and nothing changed, how could we have a wicked heart? Our failure in Eden affected both nature and us – that's why Adam & Eve were exiled. God didn't want them to live forever in a sinful state, and Jesus was sent to save all of us from that curse.
If we cannot trust the specificity of Jesus's words, then what you quote can likewise not be trusted and we both sit at odds in whatever we say.
The fact remains that we can know for certain what He said. The verses that you quote above from Matthew and Mark do not illustrate a "broken nature" as if we are fallen people. Rather, they speak to the fact that "bad" actions (Jesus here calls it 'common' actions) come from inward desires, not outward substances. This was in response to the Pharisees accusing Him of defiling Himself by eating with dirty hands. In no way do these verses speak to a fallen nature of the human, only that our potential to do worthless things comes from within. It may not appear this way in the English Bible that you read. But reading the text in its original printed language reveals something very different.
My upbringing was similar in that I grew up in a religious household that almost never discussed sex except to say that it must be saved for marriage. I went to a Christian school and we had one "just the facts" class on puberty, the reproductive section in health class, and some religious abstinence education. Details were light, so while I knew sex was for marriage only and I could name the body parts involved, it was still largely a mystery to me when puberty hit. I discovered masturbation and a fascination with the female body. One fateful day, I searched "naked woman" online and my life changed. I can only describe it as a porn addiction. I knew I should stop, but I was powerless to do it on my own. Thankfully, Jesus gives us the power to overcome temptation. The struggle is not over and I am ashamed to admit that I still sometimes give in.
If I am honest, it affected my relationships to include with my wife. I had to struggle not to objectify her and it influenced me to push her to be more physical before we married. Confessing my past addiction to her was difficult for both of us. It took her some time to trust me again and to feel that she didn't have to compete with any other woman. I have also seen it wreck marriages for many of the same reasons.
Is porn a sin? Let's talk about the production first. The professional porn industry is a horrid cesspool. I would encourage you to look up the testimonies of people who have escaped. And escaped is the right term. Besides the fornication and adultery, coercion, manipulation, exploitation, even human trafficking are dominant parts of this industry. This is not like a sweat shop that could be cleaned up by giving the workers a fair wage and safe working conditions. Its production is inherently sinful and it plays upon the lusts of it's consumers.
What of the amateurs? They aren't connected to this industry. The truth is, many of them also use coercion, just on a smaller scale. There is also the phenomenon of revenge porn and the posting of private materials without consent. And finally, much of it is produced sinfully as fornication and adultery. Yes, there are some married couples that consensually produce and post there own porn, but that has its own issues. First, they are the minority and and they are using a system that enables abuse and the glorification of sin. Also, they are inviting other people virtually into their marriage bed which is not healthy and could contribute to the sinful behaviors of others.
What of the consumers? Is it ok for us to view porn? While the Bible nowhere states that "thou shalt not viewest porn!" Its condemnation of lust pretty much covers this (Matthew 5:28 for sure). It should be noted that lust is not merely arousal at an attractive person who is not your spouse but feeding that arousal with thoughts or actions even if it's all in your own head. When we view porn for a sexual release, we are lusting and therefore sinning. Now you can technically see porn and without intending to lust (think of law enforcement reviewing evidence) but that is not why most of us turn to it.
There are plenty of other reasons not to view porn. Many studies have shown that porn use can lead to sexual dysfunction (PIED is a real thing), harm relationships, and desensitize us to sexual deviancy. This is dangerous as most people who engage in sexually deviant behavior (rape, pedo stuff, beastiality, etc) often got their start with porn and then tumbled down that rabbit hole. Not everyone is at risk of that behavior, but it is pretty much a universal factor.
While my porn use remained very vanilla, I did deal with some PIED. I got used to the instant gratification of jacking off to porn and the real thing became kind of bland and lacked the stimulation that I had conditioned myself to expect. This not only hurt me, but also my wife who felt inadequate and insecure. What helped me overcome this was focusing on my wife and what is best for us as a couple. It was best for us to find satisfaction in the fulfilling reality of our bed than in the empty fantasy of a screen. My wife even suggested that we make private pictures and videos for use when we are apart so those feelings can have a release that is directed at each other and no one else. And finally, acknowledging that it is sinful and harmful to all involved has made the whole idea of porn less attractive. Hearing stories of the perversion and abuses in the porn industry has attached an "ick" to porn that is hard to ignore. My prayer for you all is to not look for excuses to justify our behavior but to recognize sin and how harmful it is and repent and turn away. The struggle is real, my brothers and sisters, but with Christ we can overcome.
I agree with this fully, though my heart often wishes it wasn't wrong since I'm so lonely. On the subject of porn affecting real performance with a partner, that was definitely true with my only previous relationship, and I wasn't even listening to God then. I hope this isn't too graphic, but I'd been addicted to porn for five years before I gave up my virginity at the age of 20. The woman I was with rode me for at least 30 minutes, and nothing happened. We were both dumbfounded, and it took at least one more attempt before I reached my first orgasm with her. As the saying goes, "you can fool your mind all you want, but you can never fool your body." When you become adjusted to one form of stimulation in this regard, you eventually reach the point where nothing else will suffice. I've been single almost 20 years, and I'm truly worried about being a sexual failure with my future wife, due to both porn and a lack of further real experience.
I would have responded earlier, but… my fingers fell off. Yes. They fell off, and I had to reattach them, and so I'm only just now commenting even though I read and appreciated this post when it was first published.
Thank you, She Calls Me Mister, for sharing this post. It reaffirmed many of my own convictions about pornography in a moment I was questioning them. On a whim, I turned to Marriage Heat in a vague hope of finding guidance, and what should I find just published but this brave, honest, thoughtful exploration of the very subject weighing on me.
May God bless you on your journey. Thank you for helping me on mine!
My humble thanks to your reply above, & here. I am so glad this was helpful. This is my style. I dissect things. It helps me make sense of things. God is so gracious to walk & talk with us through all our journeys.
At the end of the day, I find great encouragement from comments like yours. It helps tremendously. Thank you. I used to try & wish it it away, pray it away. But, the answer to my prayers came back, "Faith." God says His grace is sufficient. If I needed a magic wand waved over me to make it go away He would've done it already. His answer is His Word & my faith. The patterns of this world can't be trusted. I must renew my mind & believe I can do all God wants thru Christ strengthening me. This means that solution begins with knowing I can change, & God has my back always. Faith always believes.
Thanks Poiema. Your words are powerful.
I appreciate your thoughts on this topic. You should write a follow up on areas where you believe Christians can have liberty with what they view.
Perhaps you could cover questions like: 1) Would it be permissible for a couple purchase a sex position book for motivation and creativity…even if it has lifelike drawings or actual photos of couples demonstrating? 2) Could an instructional sex video be encouraging or beneficial to a couple? 3) Could an erotic movie where the actors aren’t actually having sex (sex is simulated) be an acceptable addition to a married couples lovemaking?
In the Christian environment where essentially all sexual photos or films are quickly dismissed as “porn,” is there freedom for a couple to enjoy some of these resources to encourage their lovemaking…while at the same time rejecting the larger XXX market?
If anyone else has insight on these questions, I would appreciate your thoughts as well!