What Does it Really Mean to Lust?
This is my first contribution to MarriageHeat. I hope it can be a blessing to those who read it.
All Bible references use the King James Version (KJV).
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Are Sexual Thoughts Sinful Lust?
Opening Questions to Provoke Thought
Matthew 5:27-28: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
Is Jesus saying that if looking at someone causes us to experience increased desires for sexual pleasures, God counts us guilty of adultery with them in our hearts?
Is Jesus saying that thinking anything about what we call sexual body parts or sexual actions is sin, just like actually committing the act of sexual intercourse with someone?
Is Jesus saying that God counts all sexual imaginations about anyone that is not our marriage partner to be sin, even if we do not take any actions towards attaining the act of sexual intercourse with them?
Is Jesus saying that if looking at someone causes us to think any thoughts about sexual things, or to feel any desire related to sexual things, he counts us guilty of sin just like as if we had sexual intercourse with that person?
Is Jesus saying that admiring someone’s nude body is sin?
Is it sin to see nudity, or to watch someone involved in sexual actions?
Is it sin to read erotic literature and to have mental images of what is happening in the story?
Are all sexual thoughts sinful lust?
As we consider what sinful lust is, and what it is not, we need to consider how the Bible talks about people’s bodies and sexual actions. The first three chapters of the Bible tell us that God designed and created people to be in His image and likeness, and that he also made us sexual beings, male and female. In these three chapters we are told that God created people to be comfortable with being nude around each other and that the shame and fear that people feel about their bodies and sexual things is a result of sin. Due to this shame and fear people desired to wear clothes to hide their sexual body parts.
The Bible Speaks Openly of Sexual Matters
As we go on through the Scriptures, we see that God, and God’s prophets, speak openly about the beauty of people’s bodies and sexual things:
- The beauty of women’s breasts is spoken of at least twenty-seven times.
- Men’s trimmed or untrimmed penises more than forty times.
- The womb (vagina or uterus) of a woman seventy times.
- That a man and a woman had sex around sixty times.
- That a woman had never had sex is mentioned sixty-four times.
- That a woman had a very beautiful body is specifically mentioned at least eleven times.
- Male ejaculation (semen) is specifically mentioned twelve times.
- The fact that a woman became pregnant is talked about forty-one times.
We see that the Bible speaks openly about sexual things many times. All throughout the Bible there are erotic stories that talk about explicit sexual actions, and sexually-related things:
- A man who was supposed to get his widowed sister-in-law pregnant would have sexual intercourse with her, but he would always pull out of her as he climaxed and spill his semen on the floor so he wouldn’t get her pregnant.
- A man pretended to be sick so he would have an excuse to be alone in a bedroom with his half sister so he could rape her.
- In two stories, a man required someone to hold his penis in their hand while they made a vow to him.
- Jesus as an unmarried man publicly talked about the uteruses that never had a child in them and the breasts that never got sucked by a baby.
- God inspired Isaiah to write about how consolation or comfort is experienced through the act of sucking on a breast that is large and pliable.
- People thought King Saul was a prophet because he was nude with the other Godly prophets.
- God commanded His Prophet Isaiah to go nude among the people for three years just to prove a point about how God was going to judge two other nations.
- In Ezekiel, God talks about how the women of Israel had enjoyed sexual intercourse with men that had penises as big as an ass’s penis and who ejaculated as much semen as a horse.
- God tells us in the book of Jeremiah that Godly men and women will dance with each other as one of the blessings He wants His people to enjoy.
- God said David was a man after His own heart and he punished David’s wife for criticizing him for dancing nearly nude in front of all the people while he was worshiping God.
- The Bible tells us that both Abraham and Isaac had wives that were so sexually attractive that they were afraid men would kill them so they could have sex with their wives.
There are many more stories in the Bible with similar content. Does it stimulate sinful lust in us to read these things? If we feel sexual arousal as we read these stories, is that our sinful lust toward the people in the story? Or is it a God-honoring response of our bodies? Is Jesus teaching in Matthew 5:28 that it is bad for us to think about sexual things while the Bible speaks so openly about them?
Sexual References in the Song of Solomon
Then there is the Song of Solomon too. God inspired Solomon to write this erotic book that talks very openly about sexual activities.
Chapter one opens by unabashedly talking about a man and a woman passionately kissing each other, and declares that the kisses of a lover are better than wine.
In the second chapter of this book there is a short story about how she enjoyed sucking on his penis, and then he had sexual intercourse with her. At the end of this scene in the story, she tells us that they were doing this in front of a window and showing themselves to people through the window.
In chapter four, and again in chapter seven, Solomon gives an erotic description of his wife’s nude body that stimulates our imagination about her sexual body parts and overall sexual attractiveness.
In chapter five there is a story about Solomon’s wife masturbating while fantasizing about sex with her man and how she longs to have sexual intercourse with him. Her girl friends ask her what is special about her husband, and she gives them a description of his sexually arousing body in detail, including her describing his penis as being like an ivory tusk overlaid with purple ribs.
In chapter seven she tells her husband that she wants to give him her loves (sexual play) in the field, in the villages, in the vineyard, and in the pomegranate grove. These are all locations that would be at least semi public, and they might have been seen having sexual intercourse, but this is something she desired to do together in those locations.
In Chapter eight Solomon’s wife talks about how her sister doesn’t have large breasts like she herself has, and how this is a disadvantage to her as far as being desired by a man for marriage. She says her sister should do what she can to be physically attractive so she will be spoken for (in other words, have a man ask her to marry him). She goes on to declare that she has very large breasts and that this is what attracted Solomon to her.
We see this book is loaded with very explicit erotic content. Scriptures record that Solomon wrote one thousand and five songs, and Solomon declares that this was the Song of Songs. Bible Scholars say that “song of songs” mean it was the greatest of all the songs he wrote, and clearly this is true because it has been counted to be part of God’s Inspired Word to mankind ever since then.
Does it stimulate sinful lust in us to read these things? Is reading erotic literature bad for us? Is Jesus teaching in Matthew 5:28 that it is sin for us to imagine the things that we are reading about as we read the Song of Solomon?
Physical Sexual Health
Consider too that God has designed us to need sexual climaxes on a regular basis. In fact, the need for sexual climax is so important that if we do not intentionally bring ourselves to sexual climax frequently enough while we are awake, God has designed us in such a way that we will experience the sexual climax at night during our sleep when we cannot avoid it. It is very normal for this to be accompanied by sexual fantasizes in the form of dreams. God designed us in such a way that all of this is entirely unavoidable. This is almost universal with all men and is also true for many women.
Scientific research reveals that pleasurable stimulation of our sexual body parts causes numerous important hormones and chemicals to be released into our bodies that are very good for both our physical and emotional health. Regular sexual climax also has a very positive impact on our overall health. People that climax regularly are far less likely to ever have cancer in their reproductive body parts than people that rarely climax.
Clearly, God has designed us to benefit from regular enjoyment of sexual parts of the bodies He gave us. Nobody believes it is sin to pee before you go to bed so that you don’t wet the bed at night. Why would it be wrong to masturbate before you go to bed so you don’t ejaculate on yourself at night? Why would this bodily function be sin to do on your own while all the rest of our bodies functions are ok? Is it sinful lust to enjoy doing this?
Studying the Original Languages
We see that the Scriptures talk a lot about sexual things, and contains numerous explicitly erotic stories. We believe that the Bible is inspired by God for us to learn from, and 2 Timothy 3:16 tells us that “all Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness”, so we can be sure that it is good for us to read all these passages and learn from them. Keep this in mind as we consider what Jesus meant when He said what He did in Matthew 2:27-28.
Matthew 5:27-28 when He said; “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”.
First of all, let’s look at the meaning of the Greek word translated into “lust after” to make sure we are understanding correctly what Jesus meant.
If we look in Strong’s Concordance, we find that the English words “lust after” are translated from the Greek verb “epithumeo”. Strong’s Concordance says this Greek word means “to set the heart upon, covet, desire, would fain lust after.” This is a verb, so it is not only speaking of the thoughts of desire that go on within the mind, but it is directly talking about the actions that are being taken to bring about the fulfillment of the desire.
If Jesus had been talking about thoughts of desire that did not involve any actions to attain the desire, he would have used the word “epithumia”, which is the noun form of the same Greek word instead of the verb form. Strong’s Concordance says the noun form means, “longing, desire, lust (after)”. It does not include the idea of “setting the heart upon attaining”, and does not indicate the action included in “fain lusting after” that the word “epithumeo” has. Because it is a noun, it refers only to the mental thoughts of desire without actions being taken to fulfill the desire of attaining the item.
I think the translators of the King James Version of the Bible did an excellent job at translating the true meaning into this verse when they chose to use the combination of the two words, “lust after” and not the words “feels lusts” or “feels desire”. The word “after” being attached to the word “lust” indicates there is action being taken to follow or pursue, and that this is not a passive thought or desire. If we take time to study how the Greek word “epithumeo” is used other places in Scripture, we see that it is used when action is being taken to attain and “epithumia” is used when thoughts of desire are what is being spoken of.
There’s a place in the New Testament where Jesus used these two words within one sentence that clearly illustrates the difference and how these two words are used.
Luke 22:15 says, “And he said unto them, With desire (epithumia) I have desired (epithumeo) to eat this passover with you before I suffer”.
In this verse Jesus says, “I had epithumia (mental thoughts of desire), and epithumeo (chose to take action to fulfill those desires) to eat this passover with you before I suffer”.
This verse illustrates very well that while the meaning of these words are very connected, one is relating to the thought of desire that he had in his mind, and the other relates directly to the fact that he set about to pursue fulfilling that desire, and he goes on to declare how he chose to fulfill this desire.
A Comparison Between “Lust” and “Covet”
The word “epithumeo” has very much the same thought of “covet”. God commanded the Children of Israel in Exodus 20:17, “thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife”. Isn’t what Jesus is saying in Matthew 5:28 the very same meaning?
I think we see that Jesus was reminding them that God not only condemns the act of adultery, but that they also needed to obey the God given-command, “thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s wife”. He simply is saying the command, “thou shall not covet your neighbour’s wife” in Greek instead of in Hebrew.
Consider also what the word covet means in 1 Corinthians 12:31 when it says “But covet earnestly the best gifts: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way”. Consider what it means to covet the best gifts. Does it mean we should think about them favorably, or does it mean we should seek after attaining them? I think we all know that if we covet them we will be pursuing them and not just thinking about them. To covet them indicates we want them so desperately that we are pursuing attaining them and not just thinking about how nice it would be to have them.
Let’s consider, if Jesus had been teaching about stealing instead of adultery, would the following statement have been just as true?
“Ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, thou shall not steal, but I say unto you that whosoever shall look upon his neighbor’s house to lust after it hath committed theft of the house already in his heart.”
Surely, we believe this statement would also be just as accurate as the statement Jesus gave about lusting after a woman in our heart. We can all understand that if looking on a woman to lust after her is committing adultery in the heart, then it would also be true that looking upon someone’s possession to lust after it would be committing theft in the heart.
I don’t know of anybody that believes that admiring his neighbors house is sinfully lusting after it, or that it would be sinful lust to look at your neighbor’s house for inspiration on how we would want to decorate our own house. But if someone would like to own his neighbor’s house, would it be okay for him to do things that would cause his neighbor to go bankrupt and be forced to put his house on the market so that he can buy it? If he could accomplish this, he would be able to attain ownership of his neighbor’s house without stealing it.
Would God count this to be acceptable? No! We all clearly understand that this person would be “coveting” and “lusting after” his neighbors house, and that he is violating the commandment “thou shalt not steal” in his heart, even though he gains possession of his neighbors house without directly breaking the commandment, “thou shall not steal”. The courts of the land would not classify him as a thief, but God would condemn him for having the heart of a thief. We can clearly understand that he “lusted after” and “coveted” his neighbor’s house by choosing to pursue ownership of his neighbors house at the expense of his neighbor’s well-being, and against his neighbor’s will, even though he purchased the house rather than stealing it outright.
The Example of David’s Lust, Adultery and Murder
Let’s consider how this principle relates to murder.
We all know the story of David committing adultery with Bathsheba. We remember how he had her husband Uriah placed in the most dangerous part of the battle in an effort to have him killed so that David could marry Bathsheba without openly living in an adulterous relationship.
In 2 Samuel 12:9, God says to David, “Thou hast killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword and hast taken his wife to be thy wife . . .”
David did not personally kill Uriah, but we can understand why God counted David guilty for Uriah’s death. David had actively worked behind the scenes to cause Uriah’s death to clear the way for David to marry Uriah’s wife without living in an openly adulterous relationship. Clearly, God counted David guilty of killing Uriah even though he did not personally kill him.
To relate this back to the issue of lust, God essentially upheld a principle like the following: “Whosoever lusteth after their neighbor’s death hath committed murder of them already in their heart.”
Jesus addressed this subject in Matthew 5:21-23 with the same principles, but with a bit more clarity than he addressed the subject of adultery in verses 27-28. We can readily see that the same principles apply.
We understand that God would have counted David guilty of adultery with Bathsheba in his heart the entire time that he was coveting to have her husband killed so he could openly marry her. David was lusting after her by looking for ways that he could attain the freedom to have sexual intercourse with her without committing the ongoing act of adultery. By choosing to take actions to have her husband eliminated so he could marry her, he was entering into lusting for Uriah’s death. David became guilty of looking upon her to lust after her when he chose to take actions toward attaining her as his wife, even though he had not accomplished the deed yet at that point.
We understand that when a person breaks any of the commandments “thou shalt not kill”, or “thou shall not steal”, or “thou shalt not commit adultery”, there is a mental point when they choose to pursue taking actions to attain the desired final result, even if they plan to do so without directly breaking the letter of the commandment. We understand that they become guilty of violating the moral law of “thou shalt not” in their heart when they choose to pursue attaining the sinful result by any means possible, even if they are fully committed to not do the evil act against the person themselves, but would rather accomplish the harm to them or ownership of their possession through a means that allows them to attain the desired goal without technically breaking the letter of the Law.
This is what it is to covet or to lust after something forbidden.
Connecting Back to Jesus’ Teaching
We can see that Jesus was teaching the same principle in relation to pursuing a sinful sexual relationship as he was teaching in regard to breaking any other of the ten commandments. Jesus was not teaching that God judges sexual thoughts and desires by a much higher and stricter standard than our thoughts and desires for other earthly possessions.
We all understand that Jesus was teaching:
The man that chooses to do things that cause his neighbor to be placed in very dangerous situations in hopes that he will be killed is guilty of murder in his heart.
The man that chooses to do things that cause his neighbor to go bankrupt and be forced to sell his house so that he can buy it is guilty of theft in his heart.
The man that pursues ways of attaining sexual intercourse with someone else’s wife is guilty of adultery in his heart.
Jesus is telling us that these men are guilty of murder, theft, or adultery in their hearts even if the death, or sale of the house, or the sexual encounter, never happens.
But we also understand that, a person that has been treated unkindly by another person but chooses to control the anger that rises up within them and instead they return good for evil, the woman that desires the quilt her sister inherited but she chooses to make one like it herself instead of conniving ways to get the inherited one, and the engaged man and woman that desire to enjoy the intimate connection of sexual intercourse together but choose to wait to do the act together until they are married, are all experiencing desires, emotions, and passions, that potentially could push them to do sinful actions but they are not sinning in their hearts by “lusting after” or “coveting” something forbidden by God because they are choosing to honor and obey God with their actions.
Consider the following situations:
A person who has been treated unkindly by someone else, but chooses to control the anger that rises up within them and instead return good for evil.
A woman who desires the quilt her sister inherited, but chooses to make one like it herself instead of conniving ways to get the inherited one.
An engaged man and woman who desire to enjoy the intimate connection of sexual intercourse together, but choose to wait to do the act together until they are married.
These people are all experiencing desires, emotions, and passions that potentially could push them to do sinful actions, but they are not sinning in their hearts by “lusting after” or “coveting” something forbidden by God, because they are instead choosing to honor and obey God with their actions.
As we already looked at, clearly God would not count it acceptable for someone to lust after his neighbor’s death or his possessions, any more than He would count it acceptable if they lusted after a sinful sexual relationship with his neighbor’s wife. As we acknowledge this reality, we come face to face with the fact that God clearly uses the same principles to decide when we are lusting after our neighbor’s wife as he uses to decide if we are lusting after his death, or his possessions.
Is it sin for us to experience sexual desire due to admiring someone’s sexual body, but somehow not sin to experience desire for a nicer house?
Is it a sin for us to enjoy our own body’s sexual pleasures due to reading about someone’s sexual experience or watching sexual actions, but somehow not sin to choose to remodel our own house due to reading about nice homes, or due to admiring our friends house, or due to watching them remodel theirs?
Is one of these scenarios “lusting after” something in a sinful way while the other is not, even though neither one is involving them or even affecting them in any way?
Closing Hypotheticals
In closing, here are a few more practical comparisons to consider.
- If someone enjoys eating more food than the bare minimum that would keep them alive, is God going to condemn that person for lusting after food?
- If someone enjoys their own body’s sexual pleasures, and climaxes more often than the unavoidable times it happens when they are asleep, is God going to condemn that person for lusting after sexual pleasures?
- If we see somebody eating food and it causes us to suddenly realize we are hungry, is there anything wrong with us getting something to eat? (As long as we don’t take their food from them.)
- If we see somebody doing something that causes us to feel sexual desire, is there anything wrong with us enjoying our own sexual pleasures? (As long as we do not involve them.)
And is there a moral difference between the following scenarios?
- Reading a recipe in a cookbook could inspire you to make that same meal for your family. Is it so different if reading the erotic story of Solomon and his bride in Song of Solomon 2 inspires you to enjoy sexual play with your spouse?
- Reading a magazine article that describes how to make the world’s best espresso could inspire you to make an espresso for yourself to drink. Is it so different if reading a story about someone enjoying their own sexual pleasures inspires you to enjoy the sexual pleasures of your own body through masturbation?
- Watching the married couple next-door wash and wax their car could inspire you and your spouse to wash and wax your own car together. Is it so different if watching your neighbors having sex by their pool in their back yard inspires you and your spouse to enjoy sexual play together too?
- Admiring the Bargello quilt your friend made could inspires you to make a Bargello quilt yourself. Is it so different if admiring a friend’s sexually attractive body inspires you to enjoy your own sexual body through masturbation?
Is one of these scenarios coveting or sinfully lusting after something forbidden while the other is not? According to God’s Word, would God judge one of these people for sinning and not the other?
Conclusion
Once again, Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”.
So I ask again, what did Jesus mean by this?
As we consider what the many scriptures have to say about sexual things, and the content of the erotic stories included in scripture, should we be more free in our thoughts and expressions about sexuality? Should we be reading about other people’s sexual experiences, and talking with them about what they enjoy—or even observing what other people do and enjoy—to help us improve our own sexual experiences just like we relate to everything else in our lives? Or are we supposed to crush every thought about sexual things? Are we supposed to avoid all sexual functions of our body until we are married, and even then ignorantly blunder along without benefiting from learning from other people’s experiences like we would in every other area of our lives?
Is this what Jesus is teaching us?
I think my position is pretty clear. What do you think?
Nicodemus Peters
Very good questions! You did an excellent job organizing this. Certainly more is in view in Matthew 5:27-28 than simply looking at someone. The Greek implies ‘making plans to commit adultery,’ or to entice her to lust in return. The ESV also translates it “with lustful intent.”
What a thought-provoking and instructive first post here! I loved it, and definitely agree. People read too much into the words of Jesus and make it sin to admire or appreciate another's sexual attractiveness. That is not what He's saying! Thanks for laying this all out. I am favoriting it so I can refer to it later!
Thank you for posting these thought provoking questions and discussion. Growing up Roman Catholic gave me a lot of guilt towards masturbation. As an adult I have asked myself and God the answers to many of your questions. This website and deep dives into the scriptures like you have done have helped me to draw similar conclusions as you have. My remaining questions are:
1) How much sexual thought is too much?
2) When does sex become an idol?
3) What does it mean to walk in the flesh?
Thank you and God bless you all.
Wow! What a detailed treatise! As a writer ‘n sometimes editor on MH I obviously think that reading about other couples’ erotic experiences is appropriate.
I feel that MH stories have educated my wife ‘n I ‘n inspired us and enhanced our sexual relationship. And I hope the stories that I have submitted have helped other readers ‘n authors.
I think I’m going to read your post several times. You make some good points and make me think.
Fascinating treatise! You may be on to something here.
I'm a woman who has always noticed attractive men and can have an active imagination and response to them. Another way people misinterpret Jesus' statement on lust is assuming it's categorical and taking it out of context. He was speaking to men, which explains why he discusses it in terms of lusting after women. He isn't saying women never lust after men and that only men lust. The Bible is very clear in Genesis 39 that Potiphar's wife lusts after "handsome and well built" Joseph. Further evidence of women being capable of visual stimulation is the Shulamite woman's extensive visual description of her beloved's body parts at the end of chapter 5 (and which you mentioned in your treatise).
All to say, thanks for the thorough treatment of this often poorly understood topic.
Thank you for the in-depth analysis. I appreciate your well-organized thoughts and extensive consideration of the topic. I volunteer as an editor for the site and had the responsibility and privilege of editing your post, so I hope my light edits and formatting polish stayed true to your vision for this piece!
I agree there is definitely a distinction between mere desire and action toward that desire. I also agree that lust/coveting has certainly been committed when someone is in that "planning" stage of taking something illicitly for themselves.
However, I would briefly restate a position I've expressed on this issue in the past when it has been discussed on MH: I believe lust begins even before the "planning" stage. I believe lust begins the moment the very first choice is made toward those ends.
In the example of adultery and lust discussed in Matthew 5:27-28, here is the progression of a person's realizations and choices as I see it. (Take this with a grain of salt—it's an idea that's still being developed.)
01 – SAFE – I see an attractive woman.
02 – SAFE – I perceive that she is beautiful/desirable.
03 – SAFE – I acknowledge that she is beautiful/desirable.
04 – SAFE – I recognize I cannot rightly have her.
05 – DANGER – I realize I can attempt to pursue her anyway.
06 – DANGER – I choose to continue entertaining desire for her.
07 – SIN – I become willing to make plans to pursue her, and choose to not reject that possibility.
08 – SIN – I make plans to commit adultery with her.
09 – SIN – I pursue plans to commit adultery with her.
10 – SIN – I commit adultery with her.
So I think the sin begins one step earlier than your article suggests, at 7, rather than 8, because the person is intentionally choosing to leave the door open to sin.
This example assumes that to pursue this hypothetical woman would be adulterous, and so this progression of steps would not apply in the same way if both people were single and could be married without any wrongdoing involved. (I do think that single people can think of other singles sexually in ways that are unhealthy, disrespectful, and sinful in other ways, but that's a separate issue.)
I think there's also a case to be made that sin begins as early as Step 6. Continuing to entertain a desire for something that will always be sinful is at the very least foolish, self-destructive, and unhealthy, making it very poor stewardship of the mind, and therefore likely sinful even if it doesn't technically qualify as "lust".
But overall, I agree and respect your position. I think it's much closer to the correct view than the excessively conservative views that say any sexual thought of any other person is sin (unless you're married to them), and the excessively liberal views that say you can think, desire, fantasize, flirt, and essentially do anything you want as long as you don't physically commit the act of adultery through intercourse.
PatientPassion: I have a lot of respect for the depth of thought you bring here, so I'd like to ask your perspective on a situation I have at church.
I'm a woman who's married to an unbeliever; he and I were both unbelievers when we met over 20 years ago, so that explains how our relationship happened. God called me to faith during a time when my relationship had already been solidified, so it's a 1 Corinthians 7 and 1 Peter 3 situation. He remains an unbeliever who never attends church.
I bring up this context because I think there's a gentlemen at church who likes me. We both are members of a small conservative Lutheran church; I've been there 6 years and him about a year. We're both similar age. He's single and wants a family. I'm the only peer age woman at church, but he's now aware I'm married. I'm not sure he was aware of that early on when he told me at church many months ago that he wanted to have a family, but is shy. He may have thought I was a single parent.
Anyway, despite him having awareness now, he continues to be extra chivalrous and friendly to me. He hasn't done anything wrong. Nonetheless, I can't help but notice that he gets up from his fellowship chair to be near me all the time. He will socialize with others, but he won't leave his seat for them; he does this only for me. He tracks me wherever I am with eye contact and body proximity. Since I cannot read his mind, I can only go by his behaviors, which seem to signal courtship. Is he in danger of being at stage 7? I admit I struggle with him myself and find myself at stage 6. I made myself accountable to elders to help monitor us without accusing him in any way; I simply acknowledged my own attraction so they can monitor our eye contact and physical proximity at fellowship.
Am I reading this correctly? Did I do the right thing?
Thank you, kdm, I am honored and humbled by your words. I am compelled to acknowledge that God has given me a gifts in both analysis and articulation, and any useful advice that I am able to discern and convey is only because of God's gifts to me, and his grace in my life that leads me to use those gifts to promote his design.
I will happily give my opinion, but I caution you against holding my opinion too highly. And as I mentioned in my original comment, take this framework of the "steps of lust" and all my other thoughts with a grain of salt, because I'm no apostle, and my writings aren't scripture. (I don't think you or anyone else would make that mistake, but I find it prudent to make that point exceedingly clear, haha!)
Like you, I cannot know what is in this gentleman's mind and heart. And I have even less information to work with than you do, so I cannot tell for sure where either of you are at. Depending on what's going on inside him, he could be in the perfectly acceptable area between Steps 2 and 4, or he could be all the way in the early phase of Step 9.
You mention that he said he was a bit "shy". Does he seem to struggle with a bit of social anxiety or awkwardness? If so, he may gravitate toward you in part because he finds you easier to connect with than others. That's not necessarily the whole story, and I don't doubt that attraction is part of it, but it's a possible aspect to the situation that's worth considering.
But overall, this sounds like a surprisingly healthy situation to me. I've heard of so many dysfunctional situations in churches and other social relationships that this is kind of a breath of fresh air because, it sounds like it has been handled quite well so far!
Your situation with your husband being an unbeliever is difficult, but the timing of you coming to faith means there was no mistake made there. You do well to remain committed to him, as the passages you mentioned indicate you should do. It sounds like you have also responded well to the situation with the single gentleman at church, first by identifying his likely interest in you, then by making it known that you already have a husband you're committed to, then by seeking the accountability of trusted elders to help ward off any inappropriate behavior between you two and remain "above reproach".
As I think about your situation, a couple more ideas come to mind of additional steps you could take to continue a healthy way of dealing with all this.
– First, if you aren't already, pray for guidance about how you should act, and ask God to orchestrate the right thing to be done in every part of the situation as you navigate it.
– Talk about the situation with your husband, if you think he can handle it well. As long as he doesn't struggle with unhealthy jealousies or insecurities about your marriage relationship, I think it would be wise (and perhaps even enriching to your relationship) to tell him what's going on for sake of transparency, and to make extra clear that you are committed to him alone.
– Make sure your elders' involvement isn't an invasive, legalistic kind of monitoring or behavior policing. (Elders DO have a special office and special authority in the church, but there are still limits on what kind of control they can appropriately exercise over their congregants.) Instead, it should be a loving "second opinion" from one or more elders who keep a respectful distance, but remain aware of the state of your interaction with the gentleman. This way they can consider and pray on your behalf, warn you if they think you may be doing anything improper, tell the gentleman to back off if he is clearly pursuing a taken woman, and advise you on any other steps to take.
When it comes to your relationship with the man himself, I see two viable paths:
1: Continue as normal and accept his chivalry and friendliness as simply the kindness of a brother in Christ.
OR
2: Talk to him and tell him (as kindly as possible, of course) about the challenges and discomfort that his attention causes you, and ask him to adjust his behavior accordingly.
If you really do find yourself at Step 6, entertaining desire for him while knowing you cannot rightly pursue anything romantic with him, you should also be aware of the potential for an emotional affair, know the signs of one, and guard yourself carefully against that. If you have real doubts or struggles as to whether you might be letting yourself get emotionally attached in a romantic way, you should consider whether or not you might need to distance yourself firmly and promptly. Now, I would not recommend that course of action without more information, as I would not want to damage or end a friendship between two Christians without good reason. But for me personally, if I found myself married but having Step 6 feelings toward someone else, I would have to seriously consider strong action, like the distancing I mentioned above. Your marriage is far more important, and worth protecting—with severe measures if need be. Don't ruin a friendship unless necessary, but if you have any doubts, err on the side of protecting your marriage over the friendship. Better to risk damaging a friendship than to risk damaging a marriage.
Well said PatientPassion. However, I would like to point out one thing: the difference between adultery and fornication. The Matt 5 passage specifically says "adultery," which requires the women in question to be married to someone else.
If she is NOT, then the term "adultery" cannot apply. It would be fornication instead; and that is NOT what our Master was warning about.
Thank you PatientPassion. You did an excelent job at editing while maintaining the content I intended. Thank you for the work you put into it.
Great analysis. Lust is much more than attraction or desire. I equate it to gluttony or greed – it's not a sin to be hungry; it's a sin to eat much more than your fill. It's not a sin to want money; it's a sin to take more than your fair share. Likewise, it's not a sin to want sex or to find someone attractive; it's a sin to pursue or have sex with someone who isn't your partner.
I must admit that I was very reluctant to read this post. I have heard so much twisted teaching on this subject that I was afraid I was about to read more. However, as I read on I was pleasantly surprised to see how well you laid out your views. It is very clear that you have studied this out. Thank you! It’s very thought provoking and encouraging. The more I read, the more I agree with your views. I believe the same way, and am grateful for the way you so clearly articulated your points. Again, THANK YOU!
I often cast out lustful thoughts of a woman because I think of them as sinful. It's better to get rid of them right away rather than dwell then possibly obsess on them. This is how perversion starts.
So don't be a perv with perverted eyeballs drooling over somebody else's woman. Drool all over your woman. 😂
Welcome to MH, my applause on your organized post. Well thought out & correct on the usage of scripture. I appreciate your study, & conclusion, on lust.
Another aspect that applies to this discussion is temptation. Some skip over temptation, as they do knowledge, & acknowledging, to go straight to lust (not saying this is what you did, a study on temptation can be optional, when studying lust ). Yet, temptation takes into account the pull to sin, from righteousness. The first step, movement, toward sin from static desire. The missing link between knowledge, acknowledging, desire, appreciation (all on the path of righteousness), & actually being pulled to the lusting phase, then the actual sin.
Temptation is where the static desire first moves toward lust, but is not yet lust. While walking the path of righteousness, you are not sinning. But, there is a time when we can be on the path of righteousness & on the path to sin. This is temptation, which is not a sin.
Think of it as a path of pavers. Steps on the righteous path. This path will sometimes come close, but go on past, a path to sin. The path, of righteousness, you are on never goes directly to the sin. So, while you are on that path you do not sin. But, a path branches off it that does go directly to commit a sin. As long as you stay on the path that passes on by, you still have not sinned. Yet, if you step one foot on the path to sin & have one foot on the path of righteousness you are being tempted. This is what temptation is. You want to move with righteousness, but want to move with sin, too.
This state is not a sin. However, God severely warns us to flee, or escape, temptation, obviously, because it is a draw of the person, possibly, off the path of righteousness. Yet, this still is not a lust, it is not a sin. It a decision that can go either way.
Lust would be the next step off the path of righteousness, completely onto the path to sin. This is when sin begins, in the heart. Previous to this there is no sin.
James 1:14, says, "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire." So, temptation is a desire, the properties of temptation lures us. It is not static desire. There is momentum, movement, or direction to temptation to sin, but is not yet sin, since one foot, or your heart, still wants to stay on the righteous path.
Since, Jesus, went out into the wilderness, to be tempted, we can understand Jesus WAS tempted. Jesus had temptation. Meaning, our Lord & Savior was being lured, sin attempted to lure Him, off of the path of righteousness. Temptation DID happen to Jesus. Yet, He did not step fully onto the path of sin. Jesus did not sin. He did not lust, He did not attain sin. Yet, He was tempted to sin (Heb 4:15). Scripture tells us Jesus was a sinless man on the cross, He committed no sin, yet He WAS tempted. So, temptation is not a sin.
This brings me to my point. If temptation, a step of desire meant to lure us into sin, & a step God instructs us to escape (1Cor 10:13), is not a sin, in my estimation then, a static desire, that has no momentum towards sin is not a sin, either.
Meaning, we as christians can understand the potential of a sin, & it not be a sin. We can watch scenes, in our minds, play out, of us, or others, sinning, & it not be a sin. If it were, God wouldn't have told us the David/Bathsheba story. Granted, the motivation is different, at timed, yet God knows anything can be a trigger.
I am agreeing with you.
Static desires are not always lust, they are not always temptation. After knowledge & acknowledgment, that are not desires; when we do desire it can just be a static desire to masturbate. They can be arousing, they can lead to married sex. They do not always have to be sin. They can just be an acknowledgement of the fact that we are capable of sinning, & how good it would feel to do so. As long as the heart does not move off the path of righteousness it is not a sin.
Is this the best thing a christian can do with their mind? No. But, do we say an alcoholic sins remembering the great enjoyment they had with past drinking? As long as it doesn't lead to drunkenness, we do not call it a sin, even though some would wince at the notion. But, it happens. Addicts remember with fondness or regret their past activities. Yet, it is not always from a place of sin that they do this.
Victims often remember their abuse (whether they consented or not) but we do not say they sin by doing that. If it triggers sin, then yes, their remembrance (in that way) needs to stop, or helped to change. But, can it? Is it as easy as people on the outside looking in want to make it out to be?
No. We humans are addicted to sin, we are abused by sin. Is it best to leave it behind & never think about it? Sure. But, for many, that doesn't happen. Plus, for many it shouldn't. If we forget it, the potential to repeat it goes up. If we are mindful & have it correctly in place, we get stronger against it. So, I do agree with you, & disagree with others, static desire is not a sin. But, be warned, desire can lead to temptation, & so on. Know where you are at.
Thanks for the great post.
Thank you (again) for writing this article. Since you posted it, I’ve re-read it a few times. I also enjoyed the comments from the larger community. Great work, everyone!
Nicodemus Peters, you should consider a follow up of your thoughts on how this could be applied by a married couple and singles. Perhaps you could cover questions like: 1) Would it be permissible for a couple purchase a sex position book for motivation and creativity…even if it has lifelike drawings or actual photos of couples demonstrating? 2) Could an instructional sex video be encouraging or beneficial to a couple? 3) Could an erotic movie where the actors aren’t actually having sex (sex is simulated) be an acceptable addition to a married couples lovemaking?
In the Christian environment where essentially all sexual photos or films are quickly dismissed as “porn,” is there freedom for a couple to enjoy some of these resources to encourage their lovemaking…while at the same time rejecting the larger XXX market?
If anyone else has insight on these questions, I would appreciate your thoughts as well!
I was raised in a very conservative Christian church and what Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 had been used to teach that that even thinking about what a woman's body was like in any way was a sin as bad as the actual act of adultery… I knew all my life that this could not be true because the Bible has so much erotic content… In recent years I have spent many hours searching the Scriptures to understand the truth on this subject. I have done a lot of writing in my effort to put down what I see in the Scriptures. I have only recently started sharing some of these writings with other people. I have written a book of over two hundred pages of in depth thought provoking Bible study in my effort to understand God in regard to sexual things. I have not published this book and probably never will but I have shared it with some close freinds. Maybe I will share more here on this sight in the future…
In regard to the questions you raised. I believe that God is consistent in how He applies His laws to our lives. Many of us define what thoughts or action break God's moral laws by entirely different standards depending on if it relates to the sexual part of our lives verses any other area of our lives. Why? Does God judge us more harshly in areas related to sex and our bodies than He does in regard to every other area of our lives? I don't believe He does. So while I am not going to directly answer you questions I encourage you to consider comparing how you believe God draws the line in other areas of life and use the same principle when it involves sex and bodies.
The Bible talked more often about the sin of lusting for food than it talks about the sin of lusting for sex with the wrong person. God also condemns gluttony so I think food makes a good subject to compare sex to.
Do cookbooks inspire you to try new recipes or to lust after someone else's food?
Does watching a cooking video cause you to lust after the food in the video, or does it inspire you to pursue enjoying making food like you enjoy watching the person in the video make?
Does cooking food together with your friends and enjoying a meal together cause you to lust after the food your friends have prepared? Is it ok to enjoy sampling their food as long as you don't take their meal from them?
Why do we find it so easy to find a line of morality that we are comfortable with in regard to food but fear the line God made in regard to everything that relates to sex in any way? Is God constant? I believe He is, but I am still working on the faith to embrace the simplicity of this way of relating to sexual things.