Is it Okay to be Watched?
A Note from MarriageHeat:
MarriageHeat’s primary mission is, and always will be, to promote a culture of “hot monogamy”—relationships where sexuality can be fully embraced and enjoyed according to God’s good design within the covenant protections of marriage. However, because there are so few Christian resources that are willing to speak about sexuality in all its erotic and glorious detail, our ministry finds a natural opportunity to expand our reach into other issues of sexuality, and pursue secondary missions in those areas.
One such secondary mission is found in the opportunity to guide single men and women toward healthy and godly sexual expression in their season of life before finding a spouse with whom to begin a sexual relationship. Today’s “Advice Needed” discussion post is a request and opportunity for such guidance.
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This is my first time posting here, and I’d really appreciate your opinions on whether or not something is okay.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve absolutely loved being watched while I wank, whether it’s a recorded video or on a live FaceTime call. For me, it’s more of a turn on than porn, erotica, or sexy texts. I just love it. I also love when a woman tells me to do it, or is happy to stick around, either texting me or talking on the phone while I masturbate.
Now I just want to clarify, I’ve never sent an unsolicited picture or video. The turn on is only there if the other person is also into it.
From what I can see, the Bible is very limited when it talks about masturbation.
So my question is: is it wrong for me to love being watched so much? And is it wrong to let women watch me masturbate if they’re also into it? Especially if the intention is not to take it further? For example, it could be with someone in a different country, and there’s no intention to sleep with each other.
It might be helpful for you to know that I’m a 26-year-old man, and have enjoyed this since I was a teenager.
Please let me know what you think! 🙏🏼
It can be unhealthy if it is dissuading you from taking on a wife and abiding by God's design. If it is something that inquisitive young people wish to explore, then it is less worrisome. While I can see a teen engaging in this with that in mind, I see nothing more to be gained by it for someone in their mid twenties. Go find a mate and make her happy.
My mother taught my sister and I sex and sexuality when we were 12 years old. She emphasized how sex was a wonderful gift from God and how it was so powerful we would love doing it with our spouse. She also told us in her opinion that masturbation was no sin. You could do it with someone or alone. It was a good way to hold us over till marriage. My sister and I started at 12 years old.
I have enjoyed it alone, with my husband, indoors, outside and while watching each other. It does seem to occupy a large amount of your time. I can't judge about whom you are letting watch, but judging what you have told us it seems like you have developed an addiction. I'm sure people have seen me at our nudist club, but I don't go out of my way to put on a show.
Start analyzing why you are masturbating so much. Is it being an exhibitionist?
You'll just have to listen to yourself.
Well, if it’s not okay to be watched, I am in deeeeep trouble, as Jim and I enjoy the freedom and sensuality of dressing and acting provocatively when we are out in public at times. We only do this together, and we are always tasteful- but we clearly get turned on being watched.
As far as masturbation goes, my sister and I frequently did it in our room at night as very horny teens, and we used to even give each other tips on how to best pleasure ourselves.
And in college I was fortunate to have a beautiful roommate who really taught me a few things I would employ after I met my future husband. My early research paid off!
I must admit that having my wife watch me masturbate is 100% acceptable. It is a big part of our sex sessions. On days we don’t have full sexual intercourse she orally n manually stimulates my nipples as I jack off with my hand or a vibrating stroker she got me as a surprise present. She uses vibrators every time we have a lovemaking session…& I love watching her with a vibe or manually stroking her pussy. I know we both enjoy watching the erotic show. I think sexual exhibitionism in marriage is part of the sexy fun!
It sounds like you are a lot like me – rather hyper sexual. So I understand your situation. My advice would be to keep your masturbation private. I would think someone watching you and possibly you watching them is inappropriate.
If it’s a sin then it is certainly much less of a sin than full sexual intercourse outside of marriage.
When you marry (like I said before) exhibiting your body to your spouse n her body being shown to you with or without frigging or wanking is all part of the glorious fun!
That being said, I have written stories where a married couole or single person accidentally got into a situation where they saw another couple having sex. When that happens accidentally I see no real problem. But planning and acting on it feels like it probably crosses a line.
Hey, OpenBook1999. Thank you for your question & your vulnerability.
The Bible doesn't say much about "masturbation" per sé, that's true. And I'm sure we could have a conversation about whether what you're doing falls under what the New Testament writers call "sexual immorality". (Spoiler alert: I think so!)
I was stuck in patterns of destructive sexual behaviour in my 20s too. And so please hear me when I say it's more helpful for us to meditate on what the Bible says about sexuality in a *positive* voice.
Consider Proverbs 5:18:
"May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth." (NIV)
Or as the Message expands:
"Your spring water is for you and you only, not to be passed around among strangers. Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose— don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a prostitute? for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?"
Good question! Why *would* we make such a trade? In my case, it was a mixture of insecurity, loneliness and FOMO. Apart from the excitement/frisson of being watched, I would ponder what it is this behavior claims to give you – and what you would be "missing out on" if you stopped. Acceptance? Intimacy? Affirmation?
Those are all deep, deep human needs, and you are right to want them met. And as a married man now myself, I can testify that real intimacy with my wife is far far better than anything else.
But even she is not the truest, best source of acceptance, intimacy and affirmation: our Heavenly Father is. When I seek those things from anywhere other than Him, what God says to Jeremiah about Israel becomes true of me too:
"[ImWithTruth has] forsaken me, the spring of living water, and [has] dug [his] own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." (Jeremiah 2:13, NIV)
But when I turn to Jesus, and ask him for Living Water (John 4), then I find all the Acceptance, Intimacy & Affirmation I could ever need.
Singleness can really suck when you don't want to be single. I know. But trust me when I say that there's nothing more attractive to the kind of woman you wanna marry than the confidence that comes from knowing your identity is unshakeably grounded in Jesus.
May you find a wife who is "lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose." And when you do, may your "fresh-flowing fountain" be truly blessed with her.
God bless ya, brother.
There are two columns that you should read. (I have posted the links on this site in the past, and so I won't bother doing it again.). They are "The Book of WOW" and "The Sin of Onan is NOT….". Both are found on the site of the Ancient Future Scriptural Online Church (AFSOC).
The summary is that masturbation is not a sin, and being watched "within proper boundaries" is not a sin. Modern technology has pushed (and even redefined) the boundaries. There are several Bible verses in each of those columns, and they should give you some clarification.
(Wow! That was one of the shortest replies that I have ever posted.) 😉
I echo what IWT said. I am also speaking as someone who is very voyeuristic and into candualism. As I have matured in my faith and relationship with Christ, I can no longer rationalize away my desires. It’s not pleasing to the Lord. It is feeding my flesh and not glorifying him. I have also lost my desire for these activities as my relationship with Jesus has deepened. If you spend your time pursuing Jesus, your desires will shift and you will have the answer to your own question. Don’t take my word for it. Pursue Christ with all your heart, strength and soul. You will have the answers you seek. I hope and pray that you really want an answer to your question, and not just looking for someone to validate your fleshly desires. Again, let me clarify that I’m speaking ask someone who has shared your same desires are very similar desires. So, I’m not being hypocritical. I understand your desires fully, and I have overcame them through my relationship with Christ. I can now tell you that having a right relationship with the Lord is far more satisfying than feeding your fleshly desires.
My short answer is that, in your case, no, I don't believe there is any way this behavior can be morally right. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but my job is to speak the truth in love, not an affirmation of sin that will lead you to destruction.
Spouses watching each other is totally okay and an awesome way to share sexual intimacy. But outside of marriage, this is undeniably sexual interaction with another person, which is not ever biblically condoned to be shared with anyone else except a spouse.
The desire itself is not wrong, only the context. I think it's a beautiful thing to want to share your sexuality and your self-pleasuring with a woman. We were designed to want to share our sexuality. But it's meant to be in marriage, nowhere else. If you never have actual sex with the woman who's watching, that's good, but, it's still sexual interaction with her, and it's still wrong. Does the Bible speak to this directly? No. But it's absurd to expect the Bible to address every possible situation directly. We have to extrapolate biblical principles. We have to look deeply and carefully and prayerfully and ask the Holy Spirit to help us understand how God wants us to live, and how the Bible's commandments are to be applied in a culture and a world of technology that's very different from biblical times. What the Bible DOES tell us is that sex is only ever approved within marriage, and sex with anyone you're NOT married to is prohibited. Sexuality is the most unique and special thing about marriage, and nothing even remotely like it was created for any other kind of human relationship. Therefore, it makes the most sense that sexual expression is not share with anyone except a spouse.
I suggest you do some introspection and try to understand why you have such a desire to be watched. What do you feel along with that desire? It's very likely there's something that comes alongside the sexual desire. Is it a desire for validation? Is it a desire for love that you feel you haven't received from your childhood family? Is it a fear that you'll never get to experience real sexual intimacy because you're having trouble finding a wife? Is there sexual abuse in your past that you're trying to cope with? (Sexual abuse survivors very often exhibit sexual dysfunction, including sometimes hypersexuality and abnormal, unhealthy sexual behaviors like this.) It may be good to get some counseling in this regard, and find a healthier way to fill whatever hole is in your needs.
But most importantly, you need to submit and surrender your whole being, including your sexual desires, to God. He made your sexuality as a good thing, and he can redeem it to be used in a pure way once again. You MUST do your best to value God's ways above serving the desires of your flesh.
I pray God will be with you, and give you the strength to overcome unhealthy temptations, and lead you into a joyful and amazing marriage where you can express your sexuality properly, and have real sexual intimacy in a real, committed relationship.
I'm gonna say, I'm on the fence. I see the point about sex & marriage. I see the point about it replacing the marriage spouse sex, maybe even marrying altogether.
But, I get hung up on what we do commonly term ok, or practice. As you say, most on here practice, or are ok with masturbation. Personally, I don't see masturbation as a sin. The biggest reason being it is not sex.
Where our acceptance goes off the rails is where we start drawing lines after we deem it ok. What you are suggesting, with strangers, with a worldly porn context kind of feel, & seeing this as common for years of your life with no indicator of seeking to change or become married (just by what you've said). Most people would say no to this context. But, would say yes to a possible tossing with a sibling, in the same room. Not picking on anyone, not judging. I just see this as another way we all get our preferences in the way. Pro, con, for, against we all have our desires, & not much scripture to go on.
In my estimation most, if not all the sexual prohibition in the bible orbits intercourse. Yes, I understand foreplay is about the marriage, too. But, we, enlightened folk, tend to think masturbation is ok outside of wed lock, where millions of christians would disagree. So, who is correct when we all agree there is not much bible to go on?
I personally believe that a masturbation party, say, attended by all of us MH members would be an ok activity. All of naked & masturbating in front of all the rest. I have often played out a fantasy of a naked bible study. Yet, this would be with like minded people. Married, or single, possibly believers, & nonbelievers. But, still they're willing to attend & leave with masturbating as the only goal, & watching, of course. If I say this would be ok, what you describe "looks" to be ok, too.
But, the biggest knock against it is the heart. You may not find the biblical answer dealing with the masturbation, but with causing others to sin. patterns of this world, & approving worldly lifestyle standards with something as innocent as masturbating. This has been argued at length here on MH.
I personally would not have a problem with a MH masturbation party, but would have to say no to a worldly one. Not that you would sin by doing it, but the message you would be sending out to the world. This is just my opinion. Search the scriptures & make sure it fits within God's plan for sexuality & the kingdom life vs the worldly life. Conducting this activity with the world would stand to confirm leaning on their own understanding, instead of trusting in God.
Unless, it was a ministry that spread the gospel, but even then God's point for marriage would have to a big point to make within it. Oh brother, here we go again…
Wonderful question! Hmm, it is tricky when the Bible has no specific prohibition or permission on a topic. My advice would be to check your heart. If this practice grows your relationship with Christ, is a witness to others, and better prepares you for marriage, go for it! If not, better to not do it, or redirect or revise the practice. I've been navigating similar questions as I frequent another sex-positive Christian forum that is more lax in its setup than MH. I've had to draw boundary lines and seek the Holy Spirit where it comes to what I share there and why. My personal decision is that I am reserving everything sexual for my future husband, so no photos or videos (or live cam chats) with me showing nudity or sexual parts. But I talk about my masturbating experiences and write stories, much as I do here, and share tasteful photos that just hint at my femininity and sexual allure. It is a journey of giving my sexuality as an offering to God, keeping it pure while I wait in singleness for marriage, and learning to be an amazingly and vibrantly sexual woman for the right man someday. While Scripture is pretty silent about things like sharing masturbation with anyone you're not married to, the concept of sex being special is woven throughout the whole Bible. Sexual things shouldn't be tossed around to just anyone. As hot and attractive and desirable as I find sexual things to be, I can't even fathom sharing any of it with random people. Of course, everyone's standards will look different, and I can't point at you and say you're wrong. Just make sure you are viewing sex and masturbation through God's lens. Then you will act as He would have you do. I hope this encourages you! God bless you as you seek His ways!
"another sex-positive Christian forum"
Can you share the name of this forum? Also how different is it from MH? Coz I think MH is very reasonable and stable when it comes to its content, granted not everything is acceptable by all (based on conscience) but still.
[From MH: If "more lax in its setup" (as LLL noted) means it has looser boundaries around content and personal interaction, there's a good chance we may not allow it to be shared on MarriageHeat. The fact that she has had to draw personal boundaries around not posting her own nude photos implies that the other site allows such photos, which we do not think is a healthy thing.
We already keep the boundaries here as loose as we feel we appropriately can. Allowing boundaries any looser than what we have currently would very likely begin to feel like a conflict with our values. And so sending our community members to check out a site with looser boundaries like that might feel like a similar conflict in values. There are more factors involved in such decisions, obviously, but that's one of the main concerns with linking out to other sites.]
Quick answer to not confuse you. While the Bible does not speak about masturbation, it speaks clearly about sexual actions. Your desire and love to be an object of lust is spoken about multiple times in the Bible. Now your flesh will WANT to sin and it will directly affect you and your relationship with God. Your desire to be an object of lust is the same as women and men who do porn. You lust is exhibitionism. Which is you want others to lust after you. Jesus clearly said "Woe to him through whom temptation comes" (paraphrazing). In other words, your defenses deceive you that you are okay, as long as "the other person is into it". But you are WANTING to be the Object of lust, rather than just lust after another. This is tied directly to your Ego to make you feel wanted, big, attractive, etc.
So to answer your question. Yes! you are guilty of sinning, especially wanting women to lust after you and be an object of sin.
Please seek Biblical counselling and take this seriously.