This and That

The other night my wife and I were in the heat of passion when she says, “Please don’t do that.”

“What?” I ask.

“That,” she says.

“I’ve been doing that for 15 years now and you’ve never complained. In fact, you seems to always squirm and moan when I do that.”

“I squirm and moan because it hurts, not because it turns me on, you moron!” My wife has the strangest ideas of what kind of dirty talk turns me on when we’re making love.

“Is this better,” I asked, not changing my tactic, only changing my pressure.

“NO, STOP! I told you that hurts”!

Nothing helps to lower a man’s libido (and erection) then having the love of his life, in the heat of passion to say, “stop that, it hurts.”

This statement to most men is the same as saying,… You’re a rotten lover, you’re a rotten bastard, you’re a pencil dick who has no idea what you’re even doing with the thing, and even though you are primed, pumped and ready to release, WE’RE DONE!

“Okay,” I say, “I won’t touch you there ever again.”

First of all, I’m lying and she knows it. Secondly, I probably will be touching her in that exact same place in about 5 seconds. AND last but not least, 5 seconds are up and I’m going in.

“STOP,” she says, “before you go any further, let me show you what I’m talking about.”

At this she rolls on top of me, (yeah, you go girl) and proceeds to playfully play with my nipple. So far, so good, I think. Then she pinches both my nipples hard. I mean, very hard, painfully hard. She looks at me with that smirk that only wives have perfected which says, “See, I told you so.”

“Okay,” I say as I wipe the tears from my eyes. I know men aren’t supposed to cry, but, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!

“I get it; you don’t like that squeezy, pinchy, stuff. (Women always like words that end in “y” or “ie”. Kind-of like baby talk only for adults, that’s why they use words like “panty” and “lacy”, or “lovely, and “pretty. I’m sure you’ve heard them all.

“No,” she says, “and how many times have I told you that I don’t like words that end in y or ie? I swear if you normally weren’t such a good husband I’d trade you for a good garden hoe.”

“Well if you don’t like that, then how do you want me to touch you, or do you not want me to touch you there at all?”

At this moment, I’m feeling a little wounded, besides my nipples.

“Like this,” she purrs as she gently places my finger tips on her breast, “touch me like I’m made of fur and not like you’re trying to prime a chain-saw.”

Only my wife could mix sex and a chainsaw in the same sentence, but then again, she really understands my relationship with that saw. I just love that little round, rubber primer thingy.

I begin to use my fingers to float round and round gently caressing her as her breathing get deeper and quicker. I notice that she’s begun to moan, different this time, deeper, more primal. And what’s this? Something new, she’s actually moving, moving her hips and grinding herself into me. I am beginning to like this.

And that is what I want to talk about. Have you ever noticed that the words “this” and “that” usually arrive together somewhere in the conversation? Have you ever noticed that the word “that” normally gets a bad rap? For example:

“Stop that!”

“Don’t do that!”

“That hurts!”

“You shouldn’t do that!”

See what I mean? “That” normally is followed by the nicer word, “this.”

Again for example:

“That is good, but this is better.”

The word “this” always seems to ‘one-up’ the word “that”. It must be painful for “that” to always be 2nd to “this”.

But don’t fret, all is not lost for the word “that”. Just like some men, the word “that” can be changed to be a nicer, gentler, “this”. You see, now that I’ve given up “that” to do “this” the word “that” becomes the new “this”. Confused yet?

Let me show you.

First, it begins with,“Don’t do that, it hurts” then, “Please do it this way” and continues until, “You’ve learned how to do this really well!”

After some time of doing this, you move to, “Please do that thing I showed you” and then it ends with, “Do that again!”

Did you notice how quickly “that” moves from being a request to a demand? Did you notice that if you learn this correctly, then that will be the key to a lifetime of pleasure with your wife?

Last night as I lay on my back and my wife is doing “that” thing that men love, I stopped her and said, “I truly love it when you do this for me, but please don’t do it like that, it’s really not very pleasant.”

She looks up at me with her beautiful blue eyes without raising her head and says, “But I’ve been doing it “that” way for 15 years.”

“I know,” I say smiling. “But let’s try it “this” way. … Yea, I love it when you do that.”

Sorry “this” but I’m really starting to enjoy this new “that”.

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9 replies
    • Blondie says:

      I agree! Learning to find humor over things in sex rather than taking everything so seriously or getting offended easily is the best way to have more fun in the bedroom. Even when you try something new. Sometimes it will work, other times it will flop, but having a sense of humor about it rather than getting embarrassed is a much better route to take. Besides, it makes good memories to laugh about later.
      "Remember when we…"

  1. Loved by my Wife says:

    “This statement to most men is the same as saying,… ‘You’re a rotten lover, you’re a rotten bastard, you’re a pencil dick who has no idea what you’re even doing with the thing…'”
    It is so sad, but Oh so true. Thanks for shining the light of humor on it.

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