What do you do when life gets in the way?

The past couple of weeks have uncovered some weaknesses in my ability and resolve to improve the sex in my marriage.  I’m coming to the MH community knowing that I’ll find advice that will help me overcome this.

Dilemma #1:  We recently went on a trip to visit family, and whenever we’re there we share a room with our 15 month old daughter.  She goes to bed earlier than we do, as we like to socialize with our family members for a few more hours in the evening after she goes down.  But that means we end up creeping into the room in the late hours, very careful not to wake her.  Which also means we feel like we can’t have sex in the same room with her, for fear of waking her.  Up until this trip, we’d been doing very well, making a lot more time for sex and each other, and enjoying it much more as well.  And we had intended on being intimate during the trip, but didn’t consider how our circumstances would impact our ability to do so.  This trip started our dry spell.

So my first question is: How do you and your spouse make sex happen when you’re not at home and not in a comfortable situation?

Dilemma #2:  This past week, since the end of our trip, has been one crap storm after another.  I won’t go into details, but I will say that I’ve been very stressed, overwhelmed, and sad amidst all that’s been going on.  The dry spell has continued, because I’m having a hard time dealing with it all.  Typically when life gets hard, I find it very difficult to get in the mood for sex, even though I want to be close to my husband and experience physical comfort with him.  But I find physical comfort in hugs, hand holding, backrubs, and being held.  Sex hasn’t really fallen into that category for me, it has been something I want when I feel sexy, happy, and relaxed.  I realized today that I don’t know how to recover our sex life when I’ve been through really difficult circumstances.  My sadness overrides my sex drive, and I don’t know how to reverse that and still give myself time and space to grieve and cope.  I’m particularly concerned after recognizing this because I don’t want to wait until there’s a REALLY traumatic life change, like the death of a loved one, to figure out how to handle this.

So my second question is:  How have you and your spouse been able to maintain your sex life, or recover it, when you’ve been through really trying, traumatic times in your lives?

I know these realizations and questions have come to me because I’m on this mission to make a permanent change in how I view sex in my marriage, and how I act on it.  I also know that God instilled this mission in me, because He wants me to experience my marriage in its fullest capacity, and that he led me to MH so that I could find even more guidance and inspiration. I know there are many couples here at MH that have weathered many seasons of life together, and have some advice about how other couples can survive the same types of life challenges.  I would love any insight you might have!  God bless you all, and thank you for your continued support and sharing of your experiences.

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21 replies
  1. Blondie says:

    Emmy Sue, I am glad you brought the question forward. How Josh and I make sex happen when we’re traveling is we plan on ways to do it. This can become part of the foreplay even and deliciously sneaky and naughty. Sext each other, and plan ahead. Once Josh and I had some rough, bend her over the sink in front of the mirror, sex in the guest bathroom of a house we were staying in, it was awesome! 🙂

    Your other question was very interesting and definitely relevant. I had recently been through trauma and I had bad PTSD for a long time afterward. I think the main thing is to focus on the love you have for your spouse and how you shouldn’t deprive yourself of the closeness intimacy brings, ESPECIALLY during tough times. Shortly after my trauma I remember bursting into tears after we’d made love because I realized how much I needed him even through the bad times and how having him give me an orgasm actually helped me feel better. Sex releases endorphins which are happiness hormones.

    God bless you, Emmy Sue! You’ll get there. Take things at a comfortable pace, and I know what you mean about having a little one and things being busy, but make sure not to lose sight of romance and set aside time for “couple time”. Thank you for your post and take care!

    • Emmy Sue says:

      Thanks, Blondie, I appreciate your suggestions, and knowing how you can relate. Kelly and I definitely have not made enough time for “couple time” since our little girl came along, and we both miss it, so we are definitely going to try to make more date nights, etc. I think that will help me overall, not just when things get tough. You’re right, I do deprive myself of the happiness and closeness sex gives me with my husband, I think my mind is so easily taken over by other things that it makes it hard to focus on sex, especially when there’s stress involved. I’m discovering just how much I allow myself to believe that life is just happening to me instead of taking advantage of the things I DO have control over. And I definitely have control over how much sex is in my marriage, Kelly would take me every day if he could! This is truly becoming a lesson in mind over matter for me, and learning how to discipline my thinking. Like many people here have told me, sex is almost completely centered in the brain, not the body, so I just have to teach my brain how to think about it again… lol no big deal… 🙂 But I know it will be worth it. And awesome idea on the bathroom sex, sounds hot! Thanks again!

    • Blondie says:

      Being a mom of very little ones can make sex even something you want to put off your mind, I mean, it’s weird to be thinking about sex with your husband while you’re making food for or reading a book to your baby. lol I think that is actually a major issue for moms. More than one fellow mom of little ones I’ve talked to has mentioned how they want to spice up their sex life more, but since they have young children that they care for all day every day, it’s hard to think about “adult” stuff.

  2. hornyGG says:

    I agree with Blondie! Don’t deprive yourself of that special intimate connection you share with your husband. Love is a very powerful thing and can smooth alot of life’s bumps in the road. Making love only makes it a lot more bearable to deal with. Where there is a will there is a way my dear Emmy! God bless and stay horny!

    Oh, maybe I can persuade Ben to take and bend me over the bathroom sink for some rough in front of the mirror bathroom sex! Mmmmmm! Lol

    • Emmy Sue says:

      Thanks GG, it’s trying to find the will sometimes that’s tough for me, but MH is definitely helping with that!

      Kelly and I have never had “mirror sex” before, I’m very intrigued…

  3. Madeleine 27 says:

    We’ll Emmy Sue when life gets in the way and is tough it is extremely important to have that special connection with your husband. Blondie is right sex releases happy hormones And to deal with the tough times in life always pray but set aside a time to deal with your feelings maybe venting to someone about how you really feel will help.

    Also before you know you will see your husband (before he gets home from work etc) try to think of things that will get you in the mood for sex. Try sexting all day or sending him a text that will make him excited. Always remember to have couple time your not just a mother but a wife and get a good date night. Me and my husband don’t always do date night but we do something enjoyable we both like such as (board games or movies) you get the picture. Hope this helps god bless your marriage

    • Blondie says:

      Good insight, Madeleine! Yes! I agree! having a night where you don’t even necessarily go out but still spend quality time together is so important!

    • Emmy Sue says:

      Madeleine, thanks so much! I really appreciate the ideas, I think sometimes I’m so concerned about everything that’s going on, that I forget simple fixes like these! It’s amazing what some quality time with my hubby does for my sex drive, so I need to figure out how to make that happen, not only just time for sex. And based on past experiences, sometimes it leads to sex anyway 🙂 I gotta try more of the sexting, but I have to admit, it makes me a little shy, kind of like how I feel when talking dirty to him. But I won’t feel more confident about it unless I start doing it more often, now will I! 🙂

  4. smitten says:

    Lady Smitten to Madeleine: I agree with the comments above and want to add one thing that I have had to learn. Just because one negative thing happens in one area of your life don’t deprive yourself of the happiness that you can have in the positive area of your life. It is the positive good area of your life that will help you overcome the negatives.

    • Emmy Sue says:

      Thanks, Lady Smitten, for reminding me that the positive will help lift me out of the negative!

  5. HornyHubby says:

    Emmy Sue, I started to write a reply of my thoughts and it got too long. LOL! So I just submitted it as a blog post on here! I’ve titled it: “When Things Get Tough.” Look for that post and I pray that it encourages you.

  6. Lovinghusband says:

    Emmy Sue:

    Here are a couple of thoughts:

    #1 – If you can (kids being watched for a little while) – have car sex. I like Blondie’s bathroom idea. Also, ask your husband to finger you while your daughter is sleeping and give your husband a hand job. Can you do “69” while she is sleeping? I can understand if she is a super light sleeper. Fingering and hand jobs can be quiet.

    #2 – Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says there are all kinds of times and seasons in life. There is a time to weep. There is a time to avoid embracing. So, don’t beat yourself up for feeling distracted at times when it is appropriate. Of course, those times don’t last forever. Also, know that you may also be wonderfully distracted away from feeling like crap – by engaging in sex with your husband. Only you and he can know when the time will be right. Your husband loves you and understands your sadness (I hope). So, give yourself some time.

    Lastly, my wife and I came out of a huge health crisis years ago. I remember one night when it didn’t seem like it was time for us to be horny again – yet.
    But, to our surprise – a message from my wife turned into her grabbing my dick and we were off to the races. We were both amazed that we had come to being “back” to sexiness so quickly – but things kind of just happened. I don’t think there was a formula that told us. We just put ourselves in a situation where horniness kicked in.

    If you asked your husband if he wanted a hand job – and that you would be quiet – I wouldn’t be surprised if said, “Go for it babe.” If you asked your husband to quietly finger your pussy and clit, I would hope that he would get joy in giving you that loving pleasure.

    I write this as someone who has experienced sorrow and trials – and has seen God bring the sex back to us in such a way to encouraged us to intimate oneness – even before we thought we were through the tough situations.

    God bless you! I hope this helps in some way!

    • Emmy Sue says:

      Lovinghusband, first of all, thanks for your comments, they’re always so supportive and thoughtful!

      Yes, our little sweet pea is a light sleeper (of course, like her daddy… she couldn’t be the log of a sleeper that I am, that’d be too easy). But I LOVE the car sex idea. My parents’ house where we stay is out in the country, so we could easily ask Nana and Papa to keep an eye on her for us, slip out for a little while, and find a dark spot to park and get naughty.

      Kelly does understand my soft heart, and he is very sweet and kind about giving me space or comfort or whatever I need when I’m going through stuff. It helps hearing it from others though, especially in the context of this site, that it’s okay if I need some time. But I’m afraid of the time lasting too long and then getting stuck in a rut, like it has played out in the past. I really don’t want to lose the ground he and I have gained in our intimacy, so I know I need to figure out how to navigate it all when other things are weighing me down. He gets so much joy out of giving me pleasure, that he’s ready to give that to me whenever I am, and in whatever capacity. It’s more an issue of me allowing him to do that for me. I’m the one who’s afraid of waking the baby or not feeling up to it because I feel so buried by life sometimes. But I’m so encouraged to be reminded by you that sex CAN and DOES happen for couples who are willing, even if you’re not quite out of the woods yet. I have to trust Kelly more, and trust myself that sex will heal me, not get it the way of it.

      Thank you SO MUCH! It’s these kinds of discussions and comments that help me make sense of my confusion and awaken me to the needs of my marriage and sex life! I feel relieved to be working through it all. Thanks again!

  7. JazzdBoutH&N says:

    My response may come from a different place than everybody else. If you’ve read my stories, you’ll realize that I grew up in a very unloving family. I’ve had a hard time showing Heather the love she deserves because I learned that showing love was a weakness.

    I’ve gone through several stages in my life where I come to the end of my rope with my marriage. I’m ready for an out. I’ve never gone to the point of acting on those feelings. One thing has always stopped me. Myself.

    I’ve learned that when I’m at my lowest point with Heather, I’m always being selfish. Every stinkin time. I’m not happy and I expect her to do things to bring me out of my funk. I’m going to tell you right now, DON’T PUT THAT ON YOUR HUSBAND! You, and only you, can make you happy.

    Why do I say this? It’s very simple. When I got to the point of actually thinking I wanted out, I would do a personal inventory. I would figure out my selfishness in wanting her to do things to make me happy. I realized that I needed to do things for her happiness.

    It worked every time. I started looking for things to do for her that I knew would make her happy. I’ve never been a huggy guy. So I would hug her and kiss her. I would tell her I love her which was hard for me. I really didn’t know what love was or how to make it happen.

    She always softened up and would then apologize for how she was acting.

    “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” Matthew 25:40

    Serve your husband with no expectation of him returning your service. You’ll both be filled with so much love and compassion, it will flow into all areas of your marriage.

    • Emmy Sue says:

      Jazzd, thanks so much for your insight. If I can start to think more of bringing love and joy to my husband, I can feel happier in concentrating less on my sorrows and hardships, and the sex will follow.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Thanks, Blondie, I appreciate your suggestions, and knowing how you can relate. Kelly and I definitely have not made enough time for “couple time” since our little girl came along, and we both miss it, so we are definitely going to try to make more date nights, etc. I think that will help me overall, not just when things get tough. You’re right, I do deprive myself of the happiness and closeness sex gives me with my husband, I think my mind is so easily taken over by other things that it makes it hard to focus on sex, especially when there’s stress involved. I’m discovering just how much I allow myself to believe that life is just happening to me instead of taking advantage of the things I DO have control over. And I definitely have control over how much sex is in my marriage, Kelly would take me every day if he could! This is truly becoming a lesson in mind over matter for me, and learning how to discipline my thinking. Like many people here have told me, sex is almost completely centered in the brain, not the body, so I just have to teach my brain how to think about it again… lol no big deal… 🙂 But I know it will be worth it. And awesome idea on the bathroom sex, sounds hot! Thanks again!

  9. Silver says:

    The fact that you desire to improve your sex life and not let it go even though you are mentally having trouble getting there is admirable! It is important to spice things up and discover what makes you tick sexually with your husband, what will get you excited about it. What is your kind of foreplay that turns you on? Even if you’re too nervous to sext or talk dirty, maybe you want him to take the lead when you’re out and about? If you give him the go ahead to take control and talk about it in depth with him about what that exactly will entails. Very interesting questions and I love the answers given on this post so far.

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