Do all husbands and wives agree on what they want to do sexually? Unfortunately not.
Sometimes the wife is wanting to explore new sexual vistas – but the husband wants to stay with the same, regular pattern. Or it is the husband who is dying to try something that his wife will not do.
For Christians, the limits of our freedom are to be set by the Scriptures. Yet, in a marriage you still can’t do things that your spouse – for whatever reasons – does not feel free to do. Perhaps a spouse knows he or she has the freedom – but for personal preference reasons – does not want to engage in certain acts.
So, they don’t move to new vistas because they are not in agreement.
The wife who has unfulfilled fantasies may be frustrated by what she thinks is an unreasonable and selfish husband. The husband who wants his wife to do things she won’t do – might begin to think – “if she really wanted to please me, she would not withhold anything.”
In fact, the unsatisfied spouse might begin to see this as being a manifestation of a kind of selfishness on the part of the less willing spouse. While, the less willing may charge the more adventurous spouse with the same selfish attitude. It ends being a stalemate.
Then, as both get entrenched – they may quit talking about it altogether. That’s if they were ever even talking about it before.
So, is all of this no big deal? Should couples just be happy for whatever sex they have? Is it unbecoming of a Christian to want more variety – even after many years of sex in marriage? Is it simply worldly to want to expand to new sexual vistas?
I would encourage readers to read elsewhere on MH in defense of a wider sexual repertoire – in light of Song of Solomon (Also read the book: “Intimacy Ignited” by Dillow & Pintus). I believe Song of Solomon – in the Old Testament – does give a biblical rationale for more variety and not less.
If more variety is justifiable, then how do married couples lovingly maneuver through this potentially difficult and even frustrating minefield?
First, they are to love one another. They are to give one another preference over themselves. Philippians 2:3-4 says,
3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Thus, if both spouses are under the umbrella of this biblical teaching – both will be looking to please the other. Yet, the passage does not mean that we don’t have interests of our own.
A spouse may not want to engage in a particular sex act for a number of reasons. Perhaps it might be related to some kind of abuse earlier in life or from a previous marriage. There might be physical pain issues involved. There might be a smell, taste, or texture issue that is not easy to overcome.
So, there might be a spouse who sincerely wishes he or she could fulfill a spouse’s fantasy – but can’t due to an inability to overcome a very legitimate fear or pain.
Some spouses have poor biblical understanding and don’t know their freedom. Their default sexual norms are based on a number of factors – including what their perceived sexual norms were from home or even a church that holds to sexual minimalism.
One of the blessings of MH is not only reading of other couple’s experiences – but a number of the stories contain biblical content. I am free to eat and drink from my wife’s pussy because of Song of Solomon 4:16-5:1. Her “garden” is delectable and I want to get “drunk” on her juices. My cock is free to be sucked by her beautiful mouth because of Song of Solomon 2:3 – as she “tastes my fruit.”
We fantasize of our sex as they do (both as married and before their marriage) in Song of Solomon 1-3. They fantasize about each other’s individual body parts! It is not just the man who is hot for her boobs. Both the man and the woman are sexually stimulated by each other’s bodies and the joys of sex. It is God’s design – not perversion!
If we believe the Bible, to be a spiritual person is not to be non-sexual. The body is not evil. Pussies, boobs, cocks, butts, kisses – and yes, the joy of fucking – all of it is not something less than spiritual for the believer in Jesus Christ! I would add that sex can be used in evil ways.
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So, back to where I started. How can couples who disagree move to greater agreement?
Upon the firm foundation to love one another and consider the other’s needs and desires – enter into a patient dialogue. This means communicating without applying too much pressure to perform. The spouse who wants more variety is going to have to be more patient. Talk about what your fantasies are. The only ones who can make them come true are each of you.
Maybe reading Song of Solomon together will open each other’s eyes.
It will mean talking about some things that might be uncomfortable. “You want me to put my tongue where?” “You want me to swallow your cum”? “You want me to quit eating what so that my cum won’t be so salty”? “You want me to trim my hair where”? “You want me to clean myself better?” “You want to put mirrors on our ceiling?” “You want to fuck me in what position?” “You want to shoot your cum where?”
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A quick personal testimony about this “negotiation from Lovinghusband.
I love my wife dearly. Like all couples, we have our struggles. We are not a perfect couple. We are two sinners saved by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. We have satisfied one another sexually for 29 years.
Do we still have fantasies of things we have not yet done? Yes.
Still, we have both come a long way. We are not far apart in our willingness to please – but I am definitely the slightly more adventurous one between the two of us. She recently had me do something to her that I’d never done – or more accurately, she recently pleasured herself by masturbating on my cock in a unique way. It was really hot!! It was clear to me that it had been on her mind for a while. And she got off on it!
I can say that there is nothing I wouldn’t do sexually with my wife only if my wife wanted me to do it.
One of my fantasies has only been fulfilled a few times in our marriage. The last time being 20 years ago – UNTIL this morning!!!
20 years ago marked the last time my wife let me cum in her mouth during a BJ (during the last stages of a pregnancy). It was so amazing, I’ve wanted it so many times since. For my wife, the fear of gagging and not being crazy about the texture of my cum was enough to have me pull out and cum on her tits or face. I love doing that too.
I must admit that I have not always been as patient in my heart as I have tried to be with my wife in the midst of our sex. Our “negotiations” about this have gone nowhere. My bribes are not enough. But, by God’s grace it has not been a point of division for us.
Yet, on a recent vacation with just the two of us – I appealed to her during some sexy pillow talk about how much I would love to cum in her mouth. I think her actually hearing my fuller fantasy actually got her a little hot – and I don’t mean angry!!
So, this morning as she was giving me a BJ – I had a sense that she was actually trying to get me to cum. I told her, “Honey, I can’t do it unless you give me permission.” She said nothing! It is what she did next that made me so excited.
She sucked with greater intensity. She bobbed up and down with “tight pussy” like grabs on my shaft. Her mouth was fucking me!! She did a light suck on each ball and went right back to my shaft. It was clear to me that she was NOT coming off cock until I was cumin – in her mouth!
I was so aware that I was groaning and moaning like I haven’t from a BJ since 20 years ago. But it was even better – because I knew this represented my wife’s long consideration about wanting to please me even more. Not only that, I could see that she was not just doing some unpleasant duty – she was maximum horny in all of this! She was loving it, too!
I exploded in her mouth! It felt a little naughty – but in a good way. I knew she wanted to do this. My first desire after cumming was to please her. I then turned over, and my horny wife had me eat her pussy to her heart’s content. She went wild. She was proud of what she had just done with me. She was content. She was still buzzed by sucking my cock. Her orgasm was with greater intensity than normal – and her normal’s shake the earth! I was still on cloud nine for hours.
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In conclusion, the “negotiations” between lovers about sexual expansion must be in accordance with patient love. True sexual freedom is biblically informed.
Try to think the best of your spouse. Don’t think his or her not going along with your fantasy is a result of not loving you. Be patient. If our sex this morning had never happened – in my wife fulfilling my fantasy – I would still love her. She knows that! Our marriage is not based on sexual fantasy fulfillment!
l love the fact that we are still changing – and in ways that are exciting. I am far from a perfect husband. I have many weaknesses. I don’t deserve the wife God gave me. But, God’s grace is sufficient to bring us through all of our trials – even the sexual ones. Sexual “negotiations” can be uncomfortable – but the patient fruit is worth it.
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