Frustrated Horny Husband
Hello, horny and active couples! I’ve been a member for a couple of months now thanks to my wife who introduced me to this website. I have to say that there’s a part of me that envy most if not every husband here even though the word of GOD say that we should NOT envy.
My wife and I have been married for over 6yrs now. Before meeting my wife and before accepting JESUS in my life, I used to be VERY sexually active from quickies in the back of the car several times a day at plain daytime or any place we felt like it, to those long sensual, hot passionate love making session with every woman I was, it seems that we couldn’t get enough of each other that we were having sex EVERY DAY MINIMUM 3 times a day…
The year I gave my life to JESUS I met my wife, and we rapidly got involved sexually, founding ourselves committing fornication before our creator yet, we kept ignoring the holy spirit telling us to stop. She had not been sexually active for over 5yrs before meeting me. We started having sex almost every day at least 2times a day, at that time she wasn’t working so she would come over my job and instead of having lunch together, we were having each other…. THEN, everything changed! , we got pregnant!! We got married before our first baby boy was born; SEX was not in her mind during her pregnancy; we were having sex probably once, pushing it twice a month if that. Now we have three beautiful childrens 5yrs, 3yrs, and 2yrs, and we rarely have sex. After our first pregnancy is like Her sex drive was turn off completely. There have been times where we have not had sex in months and what BOTHERS me is that she is Ok with it. She doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal not to have sex.
I sometimes feel I’m living my consequences for committing fornication while we both knew GOD. I don’t remember a single day where I would NOT have sex before I became a Christian, before I became a husband now I’ve gone up to 2 months without having sex or making love to MY WIFE and the Times we do, I’m the only one who ALWAYS initiates.
As much as I try not to think about it, I feel like I’m leaving a deprive sexual life in which I’ve allowed frustration enter my life.
I would like to think I’m not the only spouse out there who is going thru this situation. I would appreciate and take any advise, comments or constructive criticism from wives and husbands into consideration.
Thank you, all those who read my frustrated sex life.
GOD may continue blessing you with that gift of desire for one another. Like everyone say; “STAY HORNY” 🙂
Wow this sounded like me two yrs ago it’s as almost you were telling my story. I don’t mean to pry but have you sat your wife down and talked about this. I sat my wife down and poured my heart out as to how I felt and she told me that she just didn’t feel sexy and was having body image issues after our first baby so we prayed and worked through it, she changed some eating habits and started going to gym and working out and now even though we don’t have sex more often as I like when we do its great.
Praying for you and your wife
Thank you hopeful hubby for your comments!
Yes, i have talked to my wife MANY times and literally pour out my heart to her expressing how I feel and how is affecting us. She agrees that we are lacking of “us” time in bed but, all I get from her is that she will try to be more open and active. One thing I’ve let her know is that im willing to help her get in anyway so she can have that desire again. As far as her not feeling sexy, at the beginning that was my biggest obstacle, she did not feel sexy for me at ALL. I had to really worked hard to let her know amd made her FEEL that I love her the way SHE IS. The way she looks “she is a very beautiful woman!”
As far as the gym, you are right. we both can get benefit from it. Thats something we will have to work into our busy schedule.
Thanks again.
As a long married husband with three grown kids, I can relate to your frustration. It is very tough to get a mother of three young children out of “mommy” mode and into sultry, sex-pot mode. You need to try to work “couple time” into your plans, and time away from the kids, even if it is just a single night out in a local hotel. It is not a satisfactory, day-to-day solution, but these things will hopefully remind her that she used to be a wife and lover, not a mommy. I went to a marriage conference in which the speaker flatly told the men in attendance that the #1 thing they could do to be a good father for his children is to “love their mother.” Equally, the speaker reminded the women that they took a vow to their husbands, not their children. Pray that your wife will have her eyes opened to your love and your needs, but in addition to that continue to remind your wife of your unconditional love for her. I would add one thing that confuses me about your post. If your wife introduced you to this site, she must have some interest in sex, so there is hope. My wife is continuing to grow in her sexual interest in our lives, and she is not even comfortable with this site. God bless you both.
I appreciate your comment happy husband.
It’s funny you say that about mommy mode to wife mode.
One thing I know for a fact is that she’s always in mommy’s mode EVEN when she’s sleeping i hear her calling out our kids in her sleep “don’t do that! Get off from there!” I agree with you, our kids pay attention and they perceive the emotional side between mommy and daddy. That is a big one on my list, i show my kids how much i love their mommy.
But you are right, before we were parents, we were friends, companions, lovers, husband and wife.
Thank you so much for your advice!
Welcome to MH. 🙂
Thank you Michael and Lisa.
I’m just going to start this off by saying that if I’d just popped out 3 kids in 6 years, I probably wouldn’t be having much sex either. But having said that, I also want to affirm that it is a problem that you are so frustrated with the way your sex life is going, and that something probably does need to change.
The first thing I think you should do is to go spend some quality time on Dr. Emily Nagosaki’s blog, “The Dirty Normal.” Read her posts on the “dual control model” and “responsive vs. spontaneous desire.” You can find links to both of those posts near the top of this link:
http://www.thedirtynormal.com/about/best-of-the-dirty-normal/
If your wife is anything like me, there is absolutely nothing sexy about having small people crawling, screaming, and squiming all over your life. There is nothing sexy about the meals that have to be prepared, the diapers that need to be changed, and the laundry that needs to be done. And so when you crawl into bed at night and all of a sudden have to switch into “sexy wife mode” it just isn’t likely to happen. Especially in the way it did before the babies came. So read a little of what Emily has to say. I think she’s a genius and I think she finally gives language and understanding to a common problem that spouses have probably encountered throughout history.
The other thing I want to mention is in reference to your idea that you might be experiencing the “consequences” of your premarital “fornication.” You might be, and you might not be. I don’t know. But here’s what I do know…God IS NOT a God who just doles out punishments for the sake of punishing. God IS a God who allows consequences for the sake of our redemption. Just like I’m a parent and I don’t just give my kid a time out because I like to see him sitting on the steps all by himself all day. No. I give my kid a time out so that next time he knows better and I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE HIM A TIME OUT. God is like that. Our consequences are redemptive. So even if what you are experiencing is a consequence of what you did before, it IS NOT a rut that God wants you to be stuck in for the rest of your marriage. He wants you to learn from it and he wants you to move on. Because he has so much more planned for both of you.
I agree with you, Eva. It’s not easy getting out of mommy mode to sexy mode sometimes.
OP, I think you need to be openly communicate with you wife about this, but don’t be too pushy either.
There was once a time where Lord X was very stressed and busy and too exhausted by the time he got home to get into playtime with me as often as usual (we still had sex about two-three times a week during that time, but I wanted almost every day). I tried not to take it personally even though at times I felt hurt if I was “turned down”. Of course, now I’m the one with our children climbing on me all day and dealing with more stress lol so tables turn. There are ups and downs in a couple’s sex life and there are many reasons why this could occur.
Hearing your story, I wonder if your wife may be dealing with low self esteem or lack of desire because she feels she can’t fulfill what you want out of sex. You say you were with many women before her “all the time” and it could be she feels she’s just not going to measure up to what you want or expect out of sex or what you used to have because she’s not able to constantly give sexual attention all the time and so she’s shut down sexually. I recommend to romance her all day long, flirt with her and get her excited to be with YOU first and foremost. Date her again if you’re not doing that already. She’s not just someone to have sex with, she’s your companion and friend. Bring her home a treat or let her sleep in on a weekend. Since you said you sometimes go through MONTHS of dry periods, there could be an issue that relates to health. Has she been to the doctor and talked about her low libido? I hope you don’t think this is too personal of a question, but is it a possibility that her low desire for sex has to do with birth control? Maybe she doesn’t want to risk getting pregnant again if she is already full time with children. Whatever happens, I know as spouses we should focus on always being honest, loving, and open to where our spouse is coming from even if we may not understand why their point of view is the way it is.
I hope you grow together through this and that you are able to fall deeper in love. God bless!
Thanks Silver… That was a problem at the beginning of our marriage though, throughout the years She had this perception that she wasn’t going to be able to fulfill my sexual desires specially her not being sexually active for over 5 years prior to be with me. She had this low self-stem which throughout the years we managed to worked things out. SHE KNOWS SHE FULFILL ME, when we do have sex whether is a quickie or make love IT IS PHENOMAL!! But as most of you hopeful hubby, happy husband, Eva and you said, It comes down to the switching mode from mommy to wife/lover.
She, sometimes ask me if I would like to have her EVERYDAY! although in my mind the answer is YES, I tend to be more understanding and I tell her that I want her everyday, that I desire her everyday so, I try to close any self-stem issues she may be having by telling her that I want her/desire her and SHE’S all what I want.
As far as birth control, that is not an issue at all, since I went and got the vasectomy done.
Thank you so much for your comments. I truly appreciate.
God Bless you
Thank you Eva, I already started reading some of her blogs.
I believe the very first step is understanding that there is that struggle of course. I'm right there with you, while I was with my wife before we got married, she is the only one I've been with and vice versa, but it does seem like sometimes what we had back then was a lot better than what we have now.
It's going to boil down to a lot of conversation between you and the wife. You said she introduced you to the site, so then I would ask her how she could read the stories here but then still be okay that you guys will go months without having sex. Then I would open up to her about how you feel about not having sex more and that you're also questioning why it seems like you activate your love making all the time.
I also tell her what you like in some stories. Tell her what you want to do to her and tell her what she wants to do to you. Spice it up throughout the day, and I would suggest reading "Sheet Music" and "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" by Dr. Kevin Leman, who is a christian psychologist. His books really opened my eyes and the eyes of my wife. Read them together, or read them alone with different color highlighters, highlight what stands out to you and for her to highlight what comes out to her and then talk about it together.
It's going to boil down to communicating with her! While there is nothing wrong with asking us for advice, it ultimately falls down to how you to talk to one another and work through it all. Communication and prayer, and definitely I say pick up Blondie's "Make More Love: Erotic Fulfillment Through Songs of Songs" because then you got God–MH–The Bible–and communication with your wife.
God bless you, brother, and may you get back to those days of mischief but with your wife 🙂
I appreciate your comments upcomingauthor.
There have been days where i have asked myself why is it that our sex life WAS more active then what it is TODAY but, of course like everyone has said here, “mommy’s mode is stronger then wife /lover mode”
As far as this website, I’m thankful for ALL of you for this Website . I read these stories almost every day and when i find one that i like i forward her the story but i just get “it was a good story” for an answer and it ends there. But like you said, it all comes down to communication.
Thank you for the suggestions, I’ve heard sheet music is very good one also Blondie’s books as well. Thank you again!
I wouldn’t say “mommy mode” is necessarily stronger, it’s just that mommy mode is often a primary mode a woman is in when she has young children she’s watching all day long (I’m assuming your wife is a stay at home mom, forgive me if I’m wrong). Here’s the deal, as a woman, you can’t be thinking about blowing your husband while taking care of your little kids, it would feel super wrong. I have a harder time slipping into mommy mode than wife mode, believe it or not, but once I’m in mommy mode I’m oblivious to adult stuff because I can’t be thinking about it while I’m dealing with toddler safety, feeding, bathing, potty training, interacting, etc. Your children will be older in a couple of years and things will change again, but it is a bit weird she doesn’t want sex at all, unless maybe after having children something happened physically where she doesn’t enjoy it anymore. Does she enjoy sex still? I know this may be a sensitive thing to ask because guys tend to have egos around whether they pleasure their woman or not (not blaming for the ego, I have an ego about pleasing my man too), but sometimes it’s not the man’s fault their woman doesn’t get off as she physically or mentally can’t bring herself to be sexual and enjoy sex for various reasons. (And one of those reasons could be being stuck in mommy mode, women have to be in the right mindset to orgasm even if the right “buttons” are being pushed). It’s a tough situation to be in and I pray your wife opens up to you. I get why a spouse would be frustrated that their spouse wasn’t sexually interested as the spouse has made a commitment to this one person and only this person to have sex with them, thus if your spouse decides to shut down, you’ll have to shut down too even though your body just won’t shut down. I also understand some of the reasons why spouses shut down sexually from physical or mental barriers and how it may make the shut down spouse feel inadequate and further the problem. I’d say, don’t ever expect it to be the same as it was before the kids, she won’t be able to keep up with that and it will only frustrate you both. I also encourage you to guard your heart, sir, you are probably vulnerable to all kinds of temptations right now, but don’t let this make a cheater out of you! You probably should see a counselor, pastor, or therapist together to figure out what is going on if you can’t work out this communication on your own. God bless!
Thank you Blondie for your input.
Yes she has a full time job.
Don’t get me wrong, when we do make love… IT’S VERY VERY VERY DELICIOUS!!! I do have an ego, and that is to please my wife in every way possible. one thing I love about her is that her body speaks LOUD as to how much pleasure she’s receiving from the moment I start caressing her, kissing her, to the moment I’m entering her love canal till the last second when she’s exploding while i’m inside of her. So she does enjoy sex still. I guess I’m just too horny. I always joke with her that from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, i’m always horny and ready. I don’t expect for her to be like me but I truly think and wish at least we could have sex at least three xs a week if that. I’ve giving her days as to how many times I would like to make her mine but when I initiate sex, she turns me down due to her been so tire.
As far as cheating, that’s out of the question. I do not want to fail HIM, my wife nor my kids. I have asked my GOD to please keep me away from temptation, and HE HAS!!!
Thanks again for your comments Blondie.
Well I have a wife with a high sex drive. Even with that after she had out 1st baby she was worried that she did not look as hot lol. I just had to tell her ever chance I got how beautiful she was and flirt with her. As others said, it is hard to be in mommy mode and then go to wife/lover mode. So I would say try and tell her ever chance you get how much you want her and how beautiful she is. Have talks often with each other about what is going on and what you would like to change.
Take care and I will pray for you man.
Thank you Jake & Cameron, you are absolutely bless my brother to have a horny wife! Sometimes i beat myself down cause i know how GOOD it feels having your partner with a REALLY HIGH SEX DRIVE, as i stated on my story, since my childhood,teenager yrs i have had a very active sex life and all my relationships were the perfect sex life, so my mentally was that once i would finally settle down and have “the one” beside me in bed i would continue to sort of have that perfect sex life, was i wrong!
I LOVE MY WIFE and as i continue to fall more inlove with MY GOD, I’m loving more my wife but I’m still struggling with this frustration and I’m trying to be more understandable towards this situation.
She has the most gorgeous soft lips i have ever kissed, her eyebrows are always so perfect done, her light brown eyes are big attraction to say the least. I love her, i just wish she would have that high sex drive like you say your wife has, as well as all these wives have for their husbands.
Thank you again for your comments and your prayers. I truly appreciate it.
That is another thing good to do is just think out or write out a list about what you love about your wife.
In earlier comments, I couldn’t tell if you meant she was fill time at home, or away, but really, this applies to either. Speaking as a mom with small kids, I know when my husband can carve out time to care for the kids solo, even just long enough for me to have a bath (especially since it has jacuzzi jets) and actually get to put on lotion, it makes a huge difference to how sexy and wifely I feel. Any way you could take the tooth brushing, storytelling, prayers bedtime ritual each night? Or at least a few times a week? Might make a big difference!
Thank you gypsychick for that advise. I’ll try that!
Professional counseling. Really helped us.
I think that one problem can be the load of a mom. I am not saying you are a bad father but make sure your doing your part ( putting them to bed,cooking,cleaning) let her know she’s not alone because if not it could be she is resenting you. When you two finally have a moment alone hug her tight let her know you care. Try having a babysitter and surprise her with a night off and always stay prayed up. Xoxo
Thank you for your comment Madeleine 27.
As far as our kids, i put them to bed almost every night. I pretty muvh have that responsibility as well as cleaning around our apartment. As for cooking, we both cook unless im working late.
But, i agree as far giving her another night off as we already established a night off for her during the week. I believe it’s all boil down to her been very tire.
Thanks again for your comment.
May I also suggest therapy maybe she just doesn’t want to tell you about how she feels maybe she would feel more comfortable talking to another Woman about it. Also make sure your spending at least 30 minutes a day with each other no body else whether it’s watching TV or praying or whatever
I was just rereading this discussion and I thought of something else. Most of the advice has centered around things you as the husband can do, and while I do think that’s certainly the place to start, I was also thinking that there might be things your wife could do too. I feel like I really need to couch this, though, in a super respectful, no pressure sort of way, because I remember what it was like to be a mom of little kids, and your wife really might not be mentally/emotionally ready to shift her focus quite yet.
But I do know that for me there came a time when the youngest child was somewhere around 3.5 when I suddenly realized one day that I had gotten some pieces of my life and my individuality back again. I could do little things that were a really big deal like shower without leaving the door open and get in the car to go someplace without having to buckle a single seatbelt. I felt kinda free. And it felt kinda good!
And so, what I’d like to suggest to your wife, once she gets to a point like that, is that she read a little book called “Is That All He Thinks About?” By Marla Taviano. It’s a fabulous little book that gives a Christian woman a sneak peak into the male psyche and helps her understand why sex is really such a big deal to her husband. I know for me, I never understood the psychological importance of sex to a man until I read that book. I just thought my husband liked sex because it was fun and felt good, the same reasons I liked it. I didn’t understand what the importance was of sex to his overall well-being. I didn’t understand that he actually Needed sexual affirmation from me.
Anyway, I really wish you guys the best. I pray this is something that you can work through soon. God bless!
Thank you for that suggestion Eva. I’m going to look it up online tonight and order that book.
I MUST say that you ALL have giving me a lot of good advices and comments. Couple days ago, my wife read my post as well as ALL the advices and comments from all of you and to say the least i have actually started to see a more open, more willing wife. I know she LOVES how i PLEASE her from her telling me but specially when we do make love her body says it ALL!!! But, i believe after het reading everyones advices and comments, shes starting to understand what Happy Husband said in his comment, “She was a wife, she was a lover before she was a mommy” it has truly helped me and my marriage since posting and having people like you ALL caring about everyone here in the MH community.
I will buy that book today!
Again, thank you for your advice and comments.
happy for you and your wife, Bneilcloa07! I am glad you’ve been able to have open discussion together!
Thank you Blondie for allowing me to express myself here in MH. I really appreciatewhat you and everyone involved on making MH happen.
Thank you again.
I tell you, i log in daily cause i really believe that this is a great way to help out and reach out to other Christian married couples . May our GOD continue to bless you and your marriage as well as those who work closely to make Marriage Heat possible.
GB.
This is awesome news – I praise God for it! I hope you and your wife rejoice together – as you recognize the “step by step” progress you both are making together. I don’t know either of you – but I can tell you it warms my heart and makes my day to know this news you have shared. I pray that God will continue to work. LH
Thank you Lovinghusband! I truly appreciate your comment and makes me happy as well that you live what the word of GOD says “Rejoice with those Rejoicing and weep with those who weep” I’m thankful for you my brother in CHRIST!!
Great news! Glad to see you’re talking about this and sharing together.
Yes, Silver! I also hope to join you all and share some great sexy hot passionate stories!!!…I tend to be very detailed so I hope you all get to read my long stories/experiences!
Thank you again Silver.
GB!
This whole post, comments and all, is so amazing!! It shows the very heart of MH. That’s so beautiful! Having followed the development of the heartfelt, caring, powerful fellowship happening in this single instance here, the help it provides, the change it paves… I am in awe! God bless you all abundantly – each and every single one of you precious MH souls!!
Unfortunately some wives don’t understand that no sex is absolute torture for husbands. Makes it kind of difficult not to look at porn.