Wilderness (Part 2)

***Note: Please read Part 1 to understand where this article is coming from.  I continue to pray that this helps change lives and strengthen sexual resolve according to God’s will!*** Click here to read. 

 

Part 2

I got upset.

I kid you not, right after I was told part one would be published something happened at my church. We were actually studying a lesson in Sunday school. “What to do when Pornography comes to destroy.” Wonderful message! I was so happy when I saw that’s what we were studying because that’s what we should be talking about in the Church. As I’ve said before sex is extremely taboo. But here’s where I got upset. We had two younger ladies in the church that day and if I’m being honest, the older one seemed like she was really into the message. Unfortunately our teacher for the morning suggested that maybe we should send them downstairs…

My blood started boiling so much that even though I was ready to say something if they decided to to send them downstairs, it probably would have been ugly. The nice thing is I ran part one by my Pastor first and I don’t know if I might have sparked something or if he knew it was wrong all along but he said no and that the ladies could stay there. They were ten and fifteen.

So what’s wrong with this picture? What’s wrong with this picture is when our youth begin to get curious about sex the Church is asking them to hide downstairs… But the world so often is saying, here’s this show like Orange is the New Black—a TV show about an all women’s prison. Do I really need to spell that one out? Like I said last time, we’re sexual creatures and unfortunately we often fall prey to our sinful desires. Or they say, here’s this book, it’s an American Kama-Sutra. Not only does it have pictures, but they’re real pictures of people actually performing these moves. Or what’s worse, here’s this website, or look this up on Google, like what happened to me.

Not only did the girls almost get sent downstairs but then I believe their presence didn’t help the lesson because once again the same message was preached. “Don’t do it because God said so!”

I know, I know; sorry for the rant. I know you came back because I said this time I would tell you what we could do to help our children understand the importance of waiting. Point blank and simple, we need to stop being embarrassed to talk to our kids about sex.

My wife, she loves the TV show Rugrats. And recently we were watching an episode where the older one Angelica was curious where babies come from. Now, her parents, being the businessmen and woman they are planned on giving her the whole spill like I got when I was seven. But because she’s only three they panic and tell her the story about the stork. So they lied to her, and I’m not even going to get into the stories of the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the likes and how much damage those stories do once they find out the truth. On top of it all, she then goes and tells the other kids what she heard. And it’s just like that. Kids talk to each other and “juicy gossip” like that spreads like Wildfire.

My sister and my mother were one time talking about a girl on her cheer team. She was worried because the girl was around her age and yet she kept ending up with a bladder infection. Without skipping a beat, my mother said, “Is she sexually active?” My sister said yes. “Then she’s not cleaning herself up after sex and probably isn’t going to the bathroom.”

“You have to clean yourself up after sex?” she asked, and my mother, my wife and I all said yes right away. I continued to tell her that Jean and I keep diaper wipes by the bed and that Cranberry juice is known to help get rid of the infection and prevent them so we drink a glass juice afterwards too.

What’s wrong with that conversation is my sister was eighteen at the time. EIGHTEEN! Legally an adult, and she had no idea. But what do we expect? Because my mom wasn’t talking to her about it—in fact they didn’t give her “The Talk until she was almost thirteen because they thought my interest in sex was because they talked to me too early—she had no idea. But what do they show on TV? As soon as they finish they lay there and talk or cuddle and fall asleep. If you have any imagination, one of two things is happening – the guy is sitting there with a condom on or she’s leaking semen out of her. One, those are both nasty images and two once again TV is not showing the the reality, but when your parents don’t talk to you what else do you have to go off of? Honestly, at seventeen when my wife and I started becoming sexually active, I had no idea either, I just didn’t like the feeling of the condom’s lubricant left on me afterwards so I cleaned myself up. If it wasn’t for I was a neat freak I would have never known. And my wife just has older sisters so that’s how she knew for herself.

Adding onto my family issues with talking about sex, about a few days before I wrote part one I was teasing my sister for listening to the song. She had it on repeat for a couple of days and my mom heard me teasing her about it and I began playing it for her so she could hear the lyrics. And she said that she wasn’t very comfortable listening to that song around her kids. Don’t know why. There were several songs that I didn’t know the meanings behind until I got older. There were some songs she skipped, like If You Want It To Be Good Girl (Get Yourself A Bad boy) by the Backstreet Boys. But other songs like Spanish Guitar by Toni Braxton—DEAR GOD, I’m getting chills just thinking about that song—she would let play and sing along to.

But why should she be awkward to listen to certain songs around her kids? What because we’re older now? Because I’ve given her three Grandkids and she knows how they got here? Is that the problem, do we forget how our kids got here? The nights spent in the throws of passion with our lover our friend and hopefully the excitement that we have once we conceived them and they are on their way?

Break time! I have a feild trip for you to take. I honestly believe God is going before me on these articles. Shortly after submitting part one, I was on Marriage Heat, the website I told you about last time. There was this story called Welcome Home. In it a Katie, prepares for her husband, Rich, to return home after a long business trip. There was something that stood out to me in that story, and I’ll just paste it here for you:

Katie loved sex. And even though she managed to remain a virgin until marriage, she had found herself constantly preoccupied with things of a more erotic nature ever since hitting puberty. While her friends were busy reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Katie was already reading through every sexual technique book she could get her hands on, which often meant being a bit sneaky at times. She had her convictions, to be sure, and her boundaries with other guys were even firmer than some of her friends’. But the way she figured it, she wasn’t about to just sit around kissing dating goodbye while she could be getting a head start on one hot wedding night. And when Katie finally did tie the knot with Rich, her first serious boyfriend, at 19, she was as bold in the bedroom as she was in every other area of her life.*

Now I said field trip because if you’re brave enough, if talking about the biblical practices of sex have opened your mind to what God intends for us to enjoy in the confines of marriage, then I encourage you to read that story, its one of my favorites.

But when I shared that story with my wife the first thing I said was, “THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE, is what I want for Evie.” Evie is our two year old daughter Evangeline. What I’m trying to get across is we are sexual beings! That is exactly how God created us to be, but somewhere along the way we let the world twist and pervert sex so much that we forgot that God has told us to go crazy with that Forever-Lover in the boundaries of Marriage. I can’t tell you how I’ve read so many stories on Marriage Heat from first time writers who remember their wedding night and everyone talks about how nervous they are.

Most Marriages end in divorce because of infidelity. And I believe that’s because that first night has so much sacred anticipation built up around it that if it doesn’t live up to the expectations people expect then it’s a precedent for every time afterwards. And all it takes is for one of the two to want something more and Satan isn’t going to hand you something that doesn’t look good, and he’s not going to thrust it upon you either. Want a great example of how smooth he can be, how patient he is, especially when it comes to sex, watch Tyler Perry’s Temptations: Confessions of a Guidance Counselor.

It really upsets me that the first night is such a let down for so many couples. In retrospect, I believe its because of those past let downs that many people fool themselves into thinking that messing around helps them get ready for that wedding night—if they have that desire to get married. We got the world telling us to explore, have a good time, get as many lovers as you can until you find the “right” one, and then you have the general Christian population walking around sucking on lemons afraid to show affection to their spouses but you know they waited. No!

Ugh! Look, you’re not going to get what I’m trying to say unless you did your homework last time and read Songs of Solomon. Love is passionate, it’s wild, it’s crazy and its fulfilling. You should have that hunger and desire to not only satisfy your cravings but to give your spouse a memorable experience each and every time you connect! That’s what I want to teach my daughter! That’s what I want my son to know.

I want my kids to know they can come ask me questions and not feel like they’re being scrutinized. I didn’t say it last time because I wanted to wait, but one of the other questions I asked when I had “The Talk was if it felt good. I was seven! Why wouldn’t I ask that question, and even then while my mom said yes she was still very awkward in answering my question. And because of that I paid the price. With my kids I want it to be different. There was another article from Marriage Heat where a mother posted how awesome it was that her daughter came and asked her questions about sex and they talked about it for hours. Her daughter IS waiting and she didn’t feel UNCOMFORTABLE talking to her daughter. In fact she was proud and excited to let her daughter in on a some of the juicy secrets her daughter would experience with her own husband in a just a few short months. It’s titled Sex Talk With My Daughter. Just google that title with Marriageheat.com. I challenge you to read it for any parent who is scared of one day talking to their kids about sex.

We need to be open with our kids about what sex really is. It’s not just making babies, there is so much more to it than that. It’s not just a physical action where you scratch an itch, there is an emotional attachment you leave behind each and every time you’re with someone. But when you’re with that one person because they make you whole, you don’t lose any part of yourself. I think it is so appropriate that the next song after Wilderness on the album is Numb where he sings about being a girls best, but she was his first, and she broke his heart. I was there. My wife and I were on and off during our dating and before the last time we broke up we started having sex. And when we broke up it tore me apart. For both of us we tried to move on. Her sister, who she was staying with at the time of our breakup, hooked her up with someone but she said no, and as for me I remember looking at my phone for a couple of days at a number I had of a girl I use to date. She already had a promiscuous reputation when we were dating and there was a time she tried to convince me but I said no. But I still sat there looking at that number wondering if I should just call her and get it over with.

That’s what sex can do to you if you don’t follow God’s plan. And we were the lucky ones. I’ve heard it all. Friends telling me they had to run down the street in their underwear because Daddy came home right in the middle of it, girls with one or two different baby daddies, friends that have been rapped, and those who want to find love but try to find it by sleeping with the first person that’s willing to be around longer than a couple of weeks. All due to the fact that no one ever sat us down and really gave us the full on details about exactly what sex is.

Every day I worry. My wife and I both worry. The day when my children ask us if we waited. I know because that’s one of the other questions I asked my mother during “The Talk.” And we can spin it, we can tell them that we have only been with one another but the truth of the matter is, we didn’t wait. We also paid dearly for it. But at the same time we also have a testimony for them. All I can pray is that they listen and don’t feel like they have to search for answers elsewhere.

You see, there doesn’t have to be a walk a shame, there doesn’t have to be heartbreak, and there doesn’t have to be a sense of emptiness. Every time my wife and I are together I feel like I can breath easier, my steps get lighter. Just being around her is enough to suddenly turn a very dark day that much brighter. While the sex is great, because I have only been with her every touch is all the more electrifying, every kiss is sweeter, and—well if I go any further it might get a little personal. But in the spirit of Songs Of Solomon, my stuff is on Marriage Heat for anyone that is interested.

The world is handing sex to us on a silver platter to anyone that is paying attention. It’s to the point where kids can even look up their favorite TV shows online without possiblly running into the Rule 34 versions.** The Church is saying stay away at all cost until you get married, and unfortunately you’re seeing many of marriages that follow that path ending in divorce because of infidelity. The world shows the passion, the romance, the excitement, that daring side of love that all comes with chasing after that physical connection between the sheets. Why can’t the Church? Why can’t we let each other and ESPCIALLY the next generation know that God made sex so we could fully enjoy our spouse?

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

Ephesians 5:31.

Do I need to draw pictures of the human anatomy to get you to see how a man and a woman can become one physically? I believe we all took SHARE right? Even if SHARE does suck.

In Sheet Music: Uncovering the secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage author and psychiatrist Dr. Kevin Leman quotes author Stephen Schwambach. He writes:

Anybody who has ever experienced great lovemaking instinctively knows the truth: Sex is too good to have just happened. It didn’t evolve as the result of some cosmic accident. Something this exquisite had to have been lovingly, brilliantly, [and] creatively designed.

If an atheist ever comes up to you and demands proof that there is a God, all you have to answer is one word: “Sex.” Give him a day to think about it. If at the end of that day he remains unconvinced, then he has just revealed far more about his sex life—or the lack thereof—than he ever intended!

God created sex. Doesn’t that tell you a lot about who God really is? Among other things, it tells you that He is Ingenious!***

“Designer Sex” Leman calls it:

“Designer Sex” is sex as the Creator intended it; sex that uses his manual as a guide. Observant Jews and Christians both believe that sex as God designed it is sex only within marriage.

Why do you think God reserves Sex for Marriage? I believe that one of the reasons (which gets very little attention, unfortunately) is that good sex is not easy and it’s very personal. Think about it: A man is given the daunting task of trying to read how to set his bride’s sails in changing winds. Sometimes she wants to run free and loose; other times she wants to tack back and forth, keeping things in check. If the husband is going to be captain of her heart, he has to learn how to read the winds, and that takes a lot of time and a lot of experience with the same woman. Experience with other woman will lead him astray more than help him, because every woman is unique in her desire and pleasure.

Think about it this way: If you’ve had sex with nine woman, put nine watches on your arm-five on one arm and four on the other. Now let me ask you, what time is it? It becomes so complicated trying to average the nine watches that you’re much better off having just one watch, even if that time piece is off by a couple of minutes.****

I’ve asked why a few times already but I started to realize everyone has their own reasons for not wanting to talk about sex, either with other adults, their pastor, their kids or their peers. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex the way God designed it and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can start implementing that in the culture around us. A sex positive culture starts with the church understanding that God is ingenious in giving probably the best gift he has ever given to mankind—second only to salvation!

God fearing parents, open up to your kids about your own experience with sex, don’t be afraid to tell them. Whether they were great in God’s eyes or praised by our backwards culture, don’t be afraid to give your testimony. And for the young ones reading this, don’t be afraid to ask your parents. Regardless of the reactions, you never know until you try. And I’ll leave everyone struggling with biblical sexuality with this:

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each one of you know how to control his (her) own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the gentiles who do not know God.

—1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (ESV)

Until next time.

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11 replies
  1. Eva says:

    You cover a lot of ground here! And you make some excellent points! We do need to be talking to our kids. We need to talk to them about mechanics and safety and pleasure and commitment and pornography and the way sex creates life and the way sex can destroy life. Yay to you for taking a stand and sending out the message!

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I agree with the things you say, and I, too, saw that Rugrats ep (I love that that show too 😉 ) and how lies can hurt. I also don’t blame you for getting angry at how those young people were told to hide! I would be too! My mother once told me that if young people don’t know about sex early on, they’re more likely to make the wrong choices, with teen pregnancy being one of the risks. Also I read that you should teach kids as young as possible to use that info appropriately. And most of all, if God talks about things explicitly, why shouldn’t we? God bless you, and may He guide you and your family.

    • Upcomingauthor says:

      RIGHT! I’m trying with my own daughter. She’s only 3 and each day I worry that I’m going to end up putting her on the same path I ended up on and don’t want to let that happen. All I can do is keep reading, pray, and make the best decisions I can 🙂
      Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂

  3. Mokey says:

    Thank you so much for sharing what the Lord has placed on your heart. There is so much I would like to say to encourage you and thank you but right now all I can say is Amen.
    MH community is amazing.

  4. PacMan says:

    Yes I can sense how angry you are. And some of it is justified. Ultimately it is a parent’s decision and judgment when and how much to reveal to a child (including whether a 10 yr old should listen to a pastor’s thoughts on pornography). Did I read that wrong? Or are you saying “I paid the price” *because* your mom was embarrassed to answer your Qs at age 7? And you seem to imply that a bold parent who has the talk more openly will have sexually healthy children, correct? I believe several here might take exception to that. But your overall point is good – that Christians should celebrate sex not bypass it. This site obviously does that well.

    Also, here is the best article I have read about talking to your kids about pornography: https://slugsandbugsandlullabies.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/how-to-talk-with-your-kids-about-pornography/

  5. Upcomingauthor says:

    Yes, you did read that wrong. I wasn’t saying that the parents don’t have control over what their kids hear. That’s up to the parent, in fact that’s what this whole article is about, to help parents have the courage to talk to their kids about sex. There is a difference between how much you want to tell them at a certain age and not talking to them at all. My story is proof that every kid is different, the fact I asked such questions at such a young age was enough evidence for my mother to tell me more but she locked down and did it in such a way that I was embarassed to talk to her about it anymore. She made me feel like there was something wrong with me for asking those questions and so when I had more questions of course I didn’t feel comfortable asking my parents. So to each parent their own to watch their kids and make sure they respond appropriately to their kids thoughts on sex.

    But what I was mentioning about the young girls is not the parents but it was the Preacher who was teaching the lesson that day that suggested sending them away, and our Pastor said no. As for their grandparent who was watching that day he didn’t have any objection to their kids hearing the lesson, which was entitled “Be Ready When Sex Destroys” — I believe I mentioned that, so it wasn’t specifically focusing on pornography and it was a lesson on helping others around you who may be struggling with sexual sin.

    The article as a whole is to help Christian parents realize that they shouldn’t be afraid to talk to their kids about sex. Yes, in due time certain things must be said, but not telling your kid something because they’re afraid is different than telling them too much. My experience and my experience spreading to my sister are perfect examples that too little and too much drawn by fear are harmful and in this day in age we can’t afford to let society continue to give this false sense of security and information when it comes to sex. Parents are the only ones who can really give their kids the details and ins and outs, I am just one of many who were affected by the too little-too much-no honesty mentality.

  6. Eva says:

    I thought I’d chime in again because I was thinking that a lot of parents can be afraid that their child isn’t ready to hear about sex yet, or that talking about it will lead to trying it. The fact of the matter is that that those fears are simply not supported by research. Research shows that the more open and honestly teens can talk to their parents about sex, the smarter and healthier their decisions are. And parent experience has taught us that it is easier to talk to kids about sex by 4th grade, if not before, because around 4th/5th grade is when kids start picking up from peers that sex is something weird to talk about. And once they get that notion in their heads, it gets exponentially more difficult for parents and kids to have an open and honest conversation on the subject. Additionally, since the average age of first porn exposure for today’s kids is 11 years old, it is terribly important that our kids know by about age 8 that porn is out there and that it is something they can talk to mom and dad about if they ever run across it.

    Here’s a great article from Parenthood magazine that talks about a nice natural progression for introducing concepts of sexuality to kids.

    http://www.parenting.com/article/talking-to-kids-about-sex-21335549

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