Relationship Advice

Bad Times in Marriage?

Hi, horny friends, I have another topic/question for everyone here again. What do you do during the down times of your marriage? A wise person who has been married for a long time says that you have good times and bad times in marriage, that you have good seasons and bad seasons. So my questions are: What happens during a bad season? How do you come together as one again after a bad season? What can you do as an individual to help the situation? How do you remain faithful? How long do you think a bad season is supposed to last? As usual, I have to come with a question, not a story lol. I do believe we can all learn from doing things like this though. God bless xoxo

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27 replies
  1. John Flint says:

    There are as many answers to that as there are marriages.
    What happens…anger, distance, betrayal, pain, bitterness
    How do we come together…… time and prayer and submission to Gods ways like forgiveness, grace, understanding
    What can one do…counselling, prayer, forgive, listen, change, grow up, take responsibility for our part
    Remain faithful, pain removes much of the sex drive sometimes, we committed…. keep it, masturbate to good memories and future hopes with spouse
    How long will it last.. day, a week, 3 years, I have seen 5 years and no improvement for one person.

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Well, communicating is a no brainer. Talk to your spouse, don’t talk AT them, and don’t yell otherwise nothing gets solved then and take some space if necessary and talk later when you’re both calm. Sometimes your spouse might have habits that you don’t like. For example, I’ve been married 31 years and up until about 10 years ago, my husband had a habit of loving to grow orchids. I’m not a big fan of those (no offense to those who do), but if I got upset everytime he planted an orchid seed he wouldn’t have lasted much past our wedding night! But we talked about that and I didn’t get upset and we compromised.

    We never yelled at each other, we always discussed conflicts rationally especially when our kids came along. And when we were younger we used to make up dancing to the ABBA song “One Man One Woman” (which I think is great for making up) before having make up sex! To me that’s the best part.

    Ephesians 4:26-7 (KJV)

    Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
    Neither give place to the devil.

    Don’t go to bed angry with your spouse, and those bad seasons should never EVER be long. My husband and I always made sure we made up before it got dark, thus we never went to bed angry. Also, on another note, keep your bedroom only for sleeping and sexual activity. Pray always for God to help you both. And try to steer clear of trivial things, as it’s just not worth it. God bless you Madeleine!

  3. Jessica R says:

    In my marriage, we just talk about it. Unless it's not going anywhere and then we just wait for the bad times to pass. In the mean time, I would just not force anything and take that time to be by yourselves. I'm currently going through a rough patch and this is how I'm handling it. We aren't arguing or anything but just taking time to be by ourselves and do the things that we each enjoy.

    As far as sex goes, I'm still figuring that part out. It's hard for me to relax if I'm feeling hurt or sad, unfortunately sex is emotionally to me even by myself. I hope this helps a little at least!

  4. Louie says:

    My wife and I have been married for 44 years but due to an illness my wife has, sex is no longer possible. My love for her has not weaken but is stronger then ever. When the need to release is too great I remember the good times and masturbate.

    • Blondie says:

      Louie, your comment really touched my heart. That’s so wonderful that you can think back on your good times together and be content with that. God bless you and your wife, sir!

  5. hornyGG says:

    Hey Madeline,

    Ben and I recently went through a rough point in our marriage where we actually separated for a brief period. It was extremely hard for both of us. I get more into it in a upcoming story I have written.

    I feel it is important to pray and let the Lord lead you, for he can calm the roughest seas. It is important to hold on to that love that brought the two of you together in the first place and hold it close.

    Marriage is give and take and you must take the bad as well as the good. It is important to never give up that is the main thing. Never go to bed angry and try to concentrate on the positives.

    The way Ben and I got through this recent bump in the road of our marriage may not be the answer for everyone, but we both felt at the time it was best.

    I am coming out of ” retirement” and hope you can continue to support me like you always have. God bless you my dear girl and as always stay horny! Loves!!!

    • Blondie says:

      Oh, GG, I had no idea you guys were going through a rough spot. Glad to hear you’re doing better! Looking forward to your post. God bless you! And stay horny!

    • Lovinghusband says:

      GG, I want to echo Blondie’s comment! I had know idea. You and Ben are so beloved here!! I just want to pray for you guys. I hope you two are on the mend. I promise not to write some big, long piece here – but I want to just say that it is not a cliche. When the Lord is the center of our lives and relationships – He brings a peace that cannot be faked. I don’t know your situation at all – Yet, I know that hard times are a call to us all to humble ourselves and seek the Lord, and His Word, and the fellowship of His people with greater fervency. I hope you have some brothers and sisters in the Lord in your church that can be of encouragement to you. We are all weaker than we think – aren’t we? Again, my love to you both in Christ!!!! I have recently thought of writing a bit on the subject of what we do when we hit real trials in our marriages. We are not immune. I know this for sure: Christ is sufficient to meet all of our needs. God bless you dear friend!! My heart is out there for you both. LH

    • Harper Shelby Thornton says:

      You of all people?! My goodness I’m so sorry. I’m looking forward to your post as well, and I agree with taking the bad and good – for better or worse right? I’m glad you got through it, I believe God helped you guys. I love you, and God keep blessing your lovely family <3

    • CMLove says:

      Oh GG! I know I am one of the most recent members of the Horny Wives Club but I need you to know that your stories and comments have always been such a blessing to me! I am?so glad things are on the mend with you and your precious husband. Like Loving Husband so wisely reminded us, when Christ is the center of the relationship, He can get us through anything! I want to Thank you and Ben for not giving up on each other and for “fighting the good fight.” You guys are dearly loved….and I am so glad to hear you’re coming out of “retirement”! May God keed holding you in His arms!

    • Alicia G. M. says:

      Mom,

      I always looked at your and dad’s marriage as the perfect marriage. A marriage I wanted to model my marriage after. I love you and daddy so much and it broke my heart to see the pain the two of you were going through. I am so happy that the two of you worked it out and are back together, like you should be and are meant to be.

      I love you both so very much and Trey and I are so greatful for all you two have done for us. I am starting to cry here, so let me just say God bless you both and I am so lucky to have you two as parents. I love you both.

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Alicia – what a tribute to God’s grace! I hope you realize that a perfect marriage is not one that somehow avoids all problems. We are sinners saved by the grace of Jesus Christ. The testimony that you are so happy about is that God’s persevering grace has worked powerfully in your mom and dad. I only know you all through MH – but your family has touched my heart deeply. I love you all and have prayed for you. I’m so glad you are all together and rejoicing about mercy and forgiveness. God bless you all. LH

  6. ilovemywife69 says:

    This is a good topic and thank you for posting it. I have only been married 13 years but we have had our share of ups and downs. I am the type of person who bottles up their anger and frustration until breaking point hits and normally an explosion occurs. Thankfully growing up my father would make me chop wood or take a ball bat to trees in order to release my anger to keep the explosions to a minimum. In my marriage I have figured out that there are times that I need to take a few minutes and rethink situations.
    My Dad does Christian counselling as well as teachings on physical, spiritual and emotional healing. In ministering with him I have noticed that a majority of problems in peoples marriages are a result of unforgiveness and lack of communication. I myself have had to really work on communication and quick forgiveness instead of holding everything in.
    Thankfully our down times normally don’t last more than a couple days, then we make up!

  7. cameron says:

    Like all the others said, just talk about it, pray about it and listen. When Jake came home one day this summer and told me he now has a job with the fire crew instead of his nice in town job I freaked out. The problem was that we did not talk it through enough. We did talk about it but I thought it was more of a dream for him then something he would really do. So in that if it is a talking matter talk it through and make sure you both are clear on it.

    Take care 😉

  8. drryan says:

    For us it has allows been about my submission to the Lord and my beautiful wife’s submission to the Lord. There are times when I’ve had to simply fail on my face and say, “Lord I don’t have the power or even desire to be the husband You want my wife to have. Please forgive me. I am going to be sold out to You regardless of the situation I may be in. Show me how to love her like you love her.” Usually when my focus is on Christ instead of me my marriage improves. It’s about trusting Christ to have a plan. He loves you both more than we can comprehend.

  9. Madeleine 27 says:

    Another question I would like to ask is why do rough patches happen? Why one minute the marriage could be fine and then the next it’s a disaster

  10. TPC says:

    My wife and I have been married 21 years and I have been impacted by 2 divorces as a son. Both my dad and stepdad cheated on my mom. Rough patches seem to occur when either there is a lot of selfishness by one or both spouses or if there is a lot of stress in life (work,kids,money,health, etc).

    One thing that helps my wife and I in rough patches is remember that a good marriage does not just happen. If you want a good marriage it has to be a priority for both spouses. We say “no” to lots of good things so we can say “yes” to each other.

    Also, during our dating years (6) and early marriage we spent a lot of time apart (college and deployment). It was hard but it provided an opportunity to learn how to really communicate. We have boxes of letters and spent lots of money on phone calls (dating myself I know). It also gave us a great appreciation for being together. We still remember what it was like to be apart and how much we missed each other.

    Finally, I think Paul’s charge to “run the race in such a way that you get the prize (vs being disqualified) is applicable to marriage in addition to his primary point (staying faithful in your relationship to Jesus). This requires patient endurance, perseverance, etc.

    Blessings

  11. smitten says:

    Somewhere during the evolution of a bad season Lady Smitten and I come to a realization that we could lose each other, and we couldn’t live with that, so resolution comes through a peek into the future at a profound sense of loss. Then we come to the bargaining table ready to make concessions, apologies, tears, and laughter.

  12. Alicia G. M. says:

    Mrs. Madeline,

    Thank you so much for the post. I have learned alot from the comments of all the great members of MH. To all of you, thank you so much and God bless you all.

  13. Upcomingauthor says:

    I remember seeing this post when it first came up, and I didn't want to read it until now. Wifey and I are going through some things, and I'm trying to be as partial as I can but she honestly isn't talking to me. I keep opening up and all I continually get is an "I'm sorry" and I'm tying and trying and trying to get her to open up to me about what's going on so I can open up to her because I don't want to keep pouring my heart and soul out but not get anything back.

    But I came here to see what the comments were and I realized that I'm doing what everyone suggested, praying, reading and studying his word, and even if she's not talking to me, whether it's through a message, or the random times she sits down with me, I am opening up.

    But it's hard, and so my question is, how do you keep trying when you aren't getting the same amount of effort back. Because I feel like we're just becoming strangers in a bed, and I don't want my little ones only 3 and 4 months to see anything get really ugly in front of them. Is there anything else I can do because I'm honestly scared she may just not care anymore after everything we have been through…

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Dearest UpcomingAuthor,

      First of all, I’m sorry that you and your precious wife are hitting a rough patch at the moment. I can feel you on the pain of experiencing running against a wall of silence when you’re trying everything you know to do to get the communication flowing. I’ve been in this spot in some friendships several times. Nevertheless, I want to urge you to not keep your focus on the facts that you feel right now or the things that are not working out as you wish and hope right now. I wanna encourage you to keep your spirits up, mightily, on purpose. Don’t allow fear to creep into your mind and suggest to you that your wife may not care anymore. Honestly, I believe that’s a lie the Enemy would love for you to swallow. I think your wife does care.

      In your case, I would suggest that you maybe should give her a bit of time and space, in the sense that you don’t bombard her with trying to make her talk… I believe that might make her feel like being forced to talk when she may very well not be ready to talk about something yet or doesn’t know how to or maybe even doesn’t know what exactly is up herself. I’d say put your energy into being lovingly by her side – just be there for her, be patient, be understanding beyond what you feel you could bear,… I know this will not always be easy but go at it with God – He will help and I’m sure is already at work in the whole situation, for you have prayed, and studied and stood on His Word. By all means, keep standing! Just redirect your energies to a softer approach that focuses on just being there for her, doing what you know will help her, will make her feel loved. I know I don’t need to tell you this, but be gentle in the approach.

      I hope this will help in any way. Know that I’ll pray for you. Be strong and courageous and don’t fall for any deceptions that the Enemy will put in your mind to pull you apart. He has no say in your marriage. You and your precious wife, your marriage belongs to God. He is for you! He is fighting for you! He will break whatever chain there is in Jesus’ Name. God lives in you! The greatest power in the universe is right there with you, every moment. You’re full of God. You’re full of faith. Work it from the inside out – Be patient, be unshakably positive and stay encouraged! God bless you!!

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Hold on to God’s promise that He will lead you from strength to strength, from glory to glory to glory. Trust in Him like never before – not believing what you see in the natural but believing in Him and His Word – together with your wife in spirit (even if you’re not talking right now – the Spirit in her will do the talking for her – He will agree with the Spirit in you). Through His unfailing love, you will not be shaken. He makes you brave to weather this storm. I will believe for you and with you that NO WEAPON formed against you and your marriage will prosper! Trust in Him, in spite of your feelings, the facts or whatever frustrations. God will use what the Enemy meant for harm, the trouble he brings, and God will turn it around and use it to your advantage, to raise you to an even higher level in your marriage relationship. Keep standing with your wife in spirit. God is bigger than this problem. Believe it. Stand on it. Don’t let anything move you from His promises, His Truth! God’s got this!!

      “Every stronghold will be broken! We will see that Heaven’s open. Fear is overcome by perfect love, perfect love! Every mountain will be leveled! Every desert will be flooded! Fear is overcome by perfect love, perfect love!”

      Much love to you and your wife and family! Be strong and of good courage! The best is yet to come – God will amaze you with His power and His goodness as you keep trusting in Him and keep your heart on Him and your focus fixed on our Risen Savior, Jesus – the Truth, the Way, the Life – our Shepherd, our everlasting Light – He who wears the Victor’s crown.

  14. Wanted Always says:

    Both of you Pray together naked and out loud tell God what’s going on.. Admit she satisfies you to her and read “Intimacy Ignited” by Dillow and Pintus together. God made our minds, bodies and souls. Blessings

  15. Aaron B says:

    Hi everyone this is my first post ever in this site. I'm from Australia. I'm currently separated from my wife & have been for almost 8months.

    I love my wife, there has been so many things that have compounded throughout our relationship & now we are separated. I have hope in my heart for reconciliation & redemption but I'm struggling with my hormones you could say. Once you've had the beautiful gift of intimacy with your wife & then it stops & you have to go without any intimacy or communication it's really hard. I'm sorry if this is off topic & I don't mean to vent but I'm really really trying to stay pure but my desire for my wife & the thoughts I have about her overwhelm me & I miss her body extremely. Could people in this community keep me & my marriage in prayer & to help me deal with my urges & desires. Thanks so much for real I appreciate it.

  16. Buckeyebabe92 says:

    Our friend is a really great guy who has been faithful to his wife many years. But several years ago he stopped being attracted to his wife who had let herself go.
    Some health issues were involved as well as attitudes that he couldn't get her to address. She wouldn't go to counseling and eventually he decided just to tolerate the poor situation.
    They stopped having sex. I know, not a good sign, right? He couldn't get aroused by her and thought he was "broken", even though he's very good looking and says they used to be very active.
    Later a pretty lady tried to seduce him which he resisted, but he was very aroused. His erection was strong, which proved he wasn't "broken". He's confused. He's not attracted to his wife, though he's been physically faithful. But he tells my husband that he's having trouble being around attractive women, especially if they show sexual interest in him.
    He says he's frustrated and doesn't know what to do. What does a nice man like him do in a situation like this!?

    • Fearless Lunk says:

      This is a really good Q, so I want to share my quick thoughts:
      A. The physical attraction piece is always the smallest of all “attraction” pieces in a marriage. Hollywood thinks it’s #1. But you get married to another person, another soul, not just another body. And even the most elite athletes and actors get old, and often lose their “looks.” I’m glad this guy is faithful, but his marriage is not about whether or not he has the “hots” for his wife.
      B) There’s a reason why our wedding vows say “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” A lot of marriages go through dark valleys, and many are pushed to the brink. This question inadvertently paints the picture that the wife is the antagonist and that she “let herself go.” But let’s not put all the blame on her. The guy has let his mental thoughts go. Just because he hasn’t committed adultery doesn’t make him a saint. If he is falling out of love with his wife based solely on her appearance and health problems, that kind of makes him a j*ck*ss.
      C) His inability to get hard around her is not enough of an excuse to just stop having sex altogether. Most men can get erections if a dog licked their balls (just a wild analogy). It doesn’t mean the man is sexually attracted to the dog. My point is that sexual contact between husband and wife is VERY important. And there are ways for us guys to get sexual fulfillment that does not require PIV intercourse. In fact the wife could even remain fully clothed. He could literally have his eyes closed. I find this couples unwillingness to work on the sexual side of their marriage a weaksauce argument to try to excuse his wandering eyes. Obviously there’s something deeper going on. What’s a “nice man” to do? Stop blaming their sexual disfunction on his wife, start having conversations about the importance of BJs and HJs (even as a way to reconnect sexually), and be a loving person to the one he has a covenant relationship with, instead of only having attraction toward a body type. If he’s unwilling, then (a) his marriage is doomed, and (b) he’s actually not a “nice man.”

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