Can anyone help?
I am new here, so I’m not sure If I am even posting in the right place. Please excuse me if I’m not 🙂 My husband and I have been together for 20 years, and married for 15. We were high school sweethearts. At this point I am sure we can get through anything together, but I need some advice about problems in the bedroom. He has always been very “quick on the draw” so to speak, and my needs have always come second. There have been times where they’ve not been considered much at all. Very little foreplay, and on the rare occasion I have had an orgasm (with my own help, and I don’t necessarily mind) he’s up and off to clean up before I’m even finished. He says he wants to please me, and asks for suggestions, but during sex he seems to get tunnel vision and it all goes out the window. Have any of you had similar problems? I am so very frustrated I don’t know what to do. I want to enjoy sex with him, but the frustration is getting to the point of being hurtful at times. Yes, I still enjoy the closeness, and don’t necessarily want or need an orgasm every time, but occasionally it would be wonderful. I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s getting to the point where I shun sex because it’s easier than dealing with the unfulfilled desires and empty promises of pleasure. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Absolutely. Ask him to please you first. Short of that, try incorporating mutual masturbation into your lovemaking and SHOW him what you like and tell him that you want to experience an orgasm with him still engaged. It is difficult for either spouse to stay engaged after they have cum. I even see it in my wife after she cums and we then have intercourse or while she is pleasuring me. As with anything, it takes communication, love and patience.
Needing help, yours is not an unusual problem; my wife and I have been helping couples for almost our entire marriage, 38+ years. Please don’t think we see it as a little issue; if it is important to you, it is important to God who created sex for both husband and wife for pleasure, deep connecting, and having children. The bottom line is your husband is being selfish. You won’t be able to change him unless he changes his attitude about loving you. One thing that you both might benefit from is a marriage conference. There are several possibilities available via internet search. We are only familiar with one, at least, to any great extent. (http://www.familylife.com/weekendtoremember2015)
Counseling might help but you both must be willing participants. Husbands often have a difficult time receiving correction or instruction from their wives. However, if you are a praying woman, you can ask God to intervene in his life and your marriage preparing him to consider attending a conference or counseling.
If he ever learns to love you and your body, I am fairly certain he will find great satisfaction making love to you and giving you pleasure to you via your body.
Sex is about both people. A lot of how sex is portrayed is that it’s for the man’s pleasure, that is very sad, because that creates a terrible bedroom life (especially for the woman, and I’d say for the man too because he’s missing out on how sexy and satisfying it is to pleasure your partner). You have a right to be frustrated at this point. I’d say a good rule of thumb is to have you (the woman) climax first whether that’s from manual stimulation of hands, a vibrator, oral, or during intercourse, because often times we can keep going even after we orgasm. So, in other words, “Ladies first!”
I’m going to echo Blondie! Ladies come first is a great rule of thumb. And to echo her even more, I’m going to do something I never do. I’m going to recommend a book I haven’t read. Yikes. 🙂 hope this goes well….. The book is called She Comes First by Ian Kerner. It’s all about the art of pleasing a woman…and I hear it’s quite the read!
Also, I am wondering if you’ve ever just tried taking charge in the bedroom. Sometimes guys ignore a woman’s needs because they don’t feel confident they can do a good enough job. And as women, we don’t expect our men to feel under confident, we just think they naturally know what to do, And how to please us. And we women also have this awful habit of subconsciously thinking “if he really loves me, he’ll do what I want/need.” But the truth is, men don’t always know. Sometimes we have to guide them.
I was actually just experimenting with this the other night. Walls was going down on me and was kinda missing that magic spot. And so I just started telling him exactly what I wanted him to do. “Stick your tongue out and kick the tip of my clit” “now add more pressure” “suck gently.” “Now I really need the dildo!” I had no idea how this was going to come off…in all the years we’ve been married, I don’t think I’ve ever given him direction before. But he told me later that he loved it. He admitted it was a little blow to his ego right at first, but when he realized how quickly his actions started getting a physical response from me, he just decided it was really hot.
I’d be curious to know how guys on here think they would respond to instruction like that. It might not be something that would be universally well received….so maybe others on here could give you some advice as to how to improve your chances of your husband responding well if you were to try it.
I agree with Miss Eva about the wife being more vocal about what she wants and need. I’ve been married for almost 40 years and I still want to hear from my lovely Sweetie how I’m doing as far as pleasing her goes. I would say, and I’m sure my wife, would agree, that I was not very considerate during some periods of our marriage. But, if you don’t speak up and participate during playtime you are short changing yourself and ultimately him.
Last year when I was with my Sweetie on one of our quarterly get togethers I asked her to take me on a tour of her lovely hot spot. She took my hand and using her fingers to guide mine, she showed me where and how to touch for maximum effect. It’s not that I have never explored her before, it’s that your body changes over time and we have more patience with each other.
Please, gently guide your husband and show him what you like. If gentle doesn’t work, tie his butt to a chair and give him a demonstration.
Ummm….I just want to clarify…in case anyone was wondering….no, I do not enjoy being kicked in the clit. That was a typo. 🙂
Eva, THAT was sooooom funny! I was laughing so much that tears were running down my face.
Being kicked in the clit is not recommended foreplay!
I can relate to both sides of this conversation. I love my wife dearly and have always made a point to try to make her orgasm before myself. I know that my wife gets me so worked up so quickly that if I don’t focus on her first then I will be spent and tired. On the other hand, when she orgasms it is hard for her to get into any further play. Its kinda hard enjoying love making when your partner isnt excited about it because they have already gotten theirs.
On the other other hand, if my wife were to masturbate for me or even show me how to make it better for her, I would be overjoyed! I have always wanted my wife to tell or show me what she likes. Maybe one day. Until then I keep loving, keep trying, and keep praying!
I love it when my wife tells me what she wants.
My wife and i always use the “Ladies first” rule. If i don’t meet her needs first, i shouldn’t have my needs met. Tell him if he wants sex, he has to make you cum first.