Can You Learn to Be Sexy?

It is my hope that this post serves as a starting point for discussion on the nature of the Christian’s pursuit of sexual freedom.

Are some people born sexier than others or can a person learn to be sexy?

Let me add a quick note of clarification. I am not talking about physical appearance. I think sexy is more about attitude and way you act in and out of the bedroom. Sexy is the way you move and not simply what you are moving. Some people are more naturally gifted for certain activities than others. A person who is 6’5″ will have a natural advantage in the game of basketball over someone who is 5’1″. That does not mean a shorter person cannot be exceptional at basketball and therefore they should not even try to play, but it does mean they may have to work harder at it to be competitive. I have been wondering how this applies to our sexuality.

Some people are just naturally more flirtatious and seem to have a natural way with the opposite sex while others struggle, which I think is equally true in the bedroom. As I have read marriageheat posts over time it seems like some people are naturally more adventurous, kinky, and creative sexually. Trying things or sharing stories that someone else may never have considered. Without extensive surveys into everyone’s background, my guess is that, those who are not particularly prone toward sexual curiosity have a very limited portfolio of moves in the bedroom. So the question then becomes, “Can sexy be learned?” If so, how does one go about it?

Here I find a conundrum in Christianity. We often claim that, since God created sex, the Christian married sexual experience should be the best with the most satisfaction, creativity, and freedom. However, it has been my experience when conversing with my Christian friends over the years that this is generally opposite of the truth and I am not talking about people who are addicted to porn with unrealistic expectations. I am talking about solid people with good marriages.

So here is the conundrum, for those Christians without a natural sexual creativity and who do not have a wide sexual experience to draw on, such someone who may have experimented sexually before they got saved, how do you learn when exposure to external sexual stimulation is so strongly warned against in the Bible? The Christian motto is often, “Stay so far from sexual temptation that you are not even tempted to be tempted.” How then is one supposed to avoid a sexual rut?

Take any subject in any field and, expect for the savant who can derive everything on their own, we learn from the experience of others. We learn science because smarter people figured it out and wrote it down. We learn relationships through observation. Most people learn by attempting to replicate what they have seen or experienced and through that process make the subject their own. Sometimes it seems like Christians are told that they should be having the best sex while also being told that in no way are they supposed to figure out how to have the best sex.

I realize that marriageheat seeks to remedy the conundrum, I have just proposed but many would say marriageheat is inappropriate for the Christian. So, as a matter of discussion, pretend you are not reading this on a website designed to share Christian sexuality but debating the general concept for all of the Christian community.

What do you think?

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15 replies
  1. M.Aster says:

    I think in our attempt to deter Christians from premarital sex and quell teen pregnancy we have sterilized sex to increase the guilt associated with its acts. Rarely is guilt a proper motivator. Love and respect have proven to be more effective time and time again.

    It took my wife, who is ironically the more reserved of the two of us, introducing me to this site to finally realize a lot of the freedom we were missing in our sex lives were self-imposed restrictions stemming from an irrational guilt. The origin of the guilt was a combination of things I learned in church combined with a struggle with pornography. The church had sterilized my view of my sexuality and pornography further distorted what was normal because I knew pornography was bad – so if it was in porn, I automatically assumed it must also be bad and unchristian. I couldn't tell what was permitted and what wasn't anymore. What were my own thoughts and what had been put there by porn.

    A sin or an addiction never truly leaves you, but since my wife and I have taken a serious look at our sexuality and tackled this as a team it has completely changed me. I don't crave porn like I used to. The freedom I have to speak sexual thoughts and perform sexual acts with my wife has outweighed my desire to seek out the taboo behind closed doors. Moving things like masturbation out of the dark and into the light has been far more freeing than any guilt trip.

    Talk to your spouses. Make sex as common as talking about your day at work and you will see both of you become "more sexy" as the walls of guilt and insecurity come down. When my wife realizes how I view her and I realize how my wife veiws me, it makes all the difference in how flirtatious we are.

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Of course you can! I think a key to that is to be creative, and have fun in the process! 🙂 Also, find out what your spouse likes to make it good for both of you. Have fun! God bless

  3. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Wow! What a thought provoking post! Unfortunately, I don't have the pure background of some of my sisters in Christ, so I don't know how I would have learned had I been a virgin at marriage. But my Bible reading has shown me that Paul encouraged mature women to teach the younger women in the Church "how to love their husbands", among other things. Maybe this kind of mentorship in the Church today would go a long way to opening people's minds to the sexual freedom that is ours by right in marriage? I know a woman who has started a ladies' group at her church to discuss hard topics from which most people shy away, including sexuality. I applaud this and hope that others are doing the same. I believe there are also some great books available from Christian authors on the subject. (I just did a quick Google of "christian marriage sex books" and saw quite a few!)

  4. John says:

    “Can sexy be learned?”
    Yes – I believe ‘sexy’ is learned while growing up, from mothers and friends and society in general etc. Or on the other hand it may be ‘prevented’ in conservative Christian culture – possibly rightly in many aspects. But by the time we get married our personalities are pretty much formed. We then have to make choices.
    If she has learnt to be “naturally” sexy while growing up, a Christian woman must learn to recognize in what ways she may be a stumbling block to men other than her husband, for then she may sin and cause others to sin. If, however, (like me) she is naturally a conservative prude (!) she needs to learn what her husband likes and serve him in that way.
    “We learn from the experience of others.”
    Not always. My husband and I explored and explored and experimented and experimented some more. We had our own great fun learning. We pushed one another to say as often as possible “I really like it when you …” So both in bed and in life we learnt how to “be” for one another, while trying also not to be a stumbling block for others.
    I do like the comment that mature Christian women should mentor younger women. I have been doing that for some time, and believe many have found some sexual freedom through my advice. My husband has played the same role for some of the young men.
    “Many would say marriageheat is inappropriate for the Christian.”
    Yes . . . we have had some reservations about some of the stories. Being careful and sensible and prayerful is important. Our biggest reservation, however, is the more coarse language. We have no problem with the very detailed descriptions of sexual acts and adventures between loving Christian spouses – but do Christians really talk like that?
    So as I said, I have learnt what my husband likes. So, for example, he enjoys seeing me braless in a tank-top, my breasts bouncing with my every movement. He long ago taught me that. But it’s for him, so I’m very cautious in public. If I’m busy around the home dressed like that and I catch him looking, I’m likely to break out in giggles, because it’s fun to tease him, it’s not serious like I’m on a catwalk or something. Having learnt what he finds ‘sexy’ hasn’t made me feel like a sex symbol.
    Maybe I'll write the story sometime of how I decided to go topless for him on a beach in the south of France . . . very liberating, realizing I wouldn't be a stumbling block when virtually every woman was topless. He loved it. I giggled a lot.

  5. King David says:

    I think the biggest issue with sex in the Christian world is that when our church leaders tell us that Christians should have the greatest sex but are really giving us lip service. By denying the role of eroticism in sexual activity they have in fact as M.Aster mentions, sterilized sex. I would bet that if the pastor of my church saw this site, he would consider this as pornographic.

  6. Reads says:

    It's impossible to give a complete answer in a post, so let me recommend a book: Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch. I haven't read the whole thing, yet, so I can't unequivocally recommend it, but so far it has been enlightening. The basic premise is that sexual expression is not something like football or painting – some skill you develop by focusing on it in isolation. You aren't going to get very far by just trying some new outfit, or some new toy, or some new position. If you want to learn to be sexy, you don't work on sex per se, you work on intimacy.

    This revelation explains why the best sex of all can only happen within marriage. Although marriage certainly doesn't guarantee intimacy, reaching the highest levels of intimacy require marriage: an exclusive, committed, sacred coupling. (I left out "legal" on purpose.) Buying ice skates won't make you a figure skater, but you're never going to be a figure skater without buying skates. Some people will tell you that you that sliding around on the ice on your tennis shoes is a lot of fun and you really don't need skates. They're right, but they're NOT going to the Olympics.

  7. Cuddles says:

    Yes you can learn to be sexy.

    Actually, I didn't learn to be sexy. I rather *became* sexy. I know I am, I don't need anyone to tell me I am although it's nice to hear when a family member says so (I'm single). Right out of the blue, one recent evening after a bbq, my son and his partner both said that I looked sexy. Nothing different, just a teeshirt and shorts, so it must have been *me*.

    I became sexy in an unusual way. After my sexual awakening in 2019 and then happening upon MH (thank you Father!) and subsequently reading lots of stories of good married sex, I concluded that I wasn't sexy. I didn't see myself as attractive, let alone desirable. I had too much going against me healthwise just for a start.

    It was lunchtime one day when I came to that conclusion and I had prepared a banana sandwich which I was about to eat.
    Question: How do I become sexy?
    So one of the big things with me and the Father is to Believe Him. The next thought was about our brain being our biggest sex organ, especially for us ladies. So could it all be in what I believe about myself?

    I can be a tad radical at times when the Holy Spirit leads me into a fun zone so I went for it! I decided to practice being sexy while eating my banana "sammige" right there in my kitchen. No mirror. Just my mind. There I was tilting my head looking for those seductive angles with sultry eyes, taking little nibbles and then a big bite. What a pity it didn't occur to me to do a selfie vid of it hahaha. It was legendary!

    But seriously, here's the miracle. By the time I'd eaten that banana sanga, I had become sexy! No kidding!

    I felt different. I had more sense of being than I had before. It's like the Father has dressed me in another layer of beauty and I can feel it around me. This happened some months ago and I still feel the same today and every day. I'm sure that it's permanent. It is now me, and I want to stay this way. I feel closer to complete. Now I am attractive. Desirable.

    My man who's on his way to me will be attracted to me, and when the Holy Spirit pours it on he will find me desirable too. When he whispers in my ear that I'm beautiful, guess what – I'm going to Believe him!

    I'm being prepared for my new man, Praise God!

    Cuddles xxxx

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Cuddles, this blessed me so much! You ARE a sexy lady—because you choose to be! I pray your man comes into your life soon! But God's timing is perfect.

    • pnwwoodsman says:

      Cuddles,

      I'll also point out that one thing that's sexy is a woman who sees her sexuality and hope for passionate marriage as a God given, wonderful thing and expresses it, and by coming here and having the courage to do that, and the way you express your hopes and femininity, that is ALSO sexy. You being yourself, faithful, feminine and sex positive is inherently sexy. Your man's gonna love it.

    • Cuddles says:

      @CrazyHappyLoved
      @pnwwoodsman

      What a delight to receive such encouragement from the both of you! Thank you so much, it really does mean a lot to me.

      It's just become my birthday here (Thursday 23rd) so I'm taking your comments as precious early birthday prezzies 🎁. What a way to start off my special day!

      Cuddles xxxx

  8. Kdsjeff says:

    I think the key is to talk about sex with your partner. Talk about what is sexy, communicate and share together. This has helped us as two people that were very naïve when we were young to grow together and try new things. The next step is to do what your spouse finds sexy and try to surprise them, my wife is the sexiest when she does things I don't expect.

  9. Gemlin says:

    This is an awesome post, and, as it turns out, is something I've been thinking about the last couple of days!

    I'm not sure if sexuality can be learned as a skill, so much as recognized by you through the eyes of your spouse. I don't believe I am sexy at all. I'm plain looking and have a very normal physique. I wouldn't say that I am suave. And yet my wife is constantly telling me how sexy she finds me. Likewise, my wife feels the same as I do, yet I cannot get enough of her because I find her WILDLY sexy. I truly believe that being sexy is something you realize you are through the affirmation and desire of your spouse. I also believe that learning about healthy sexuality and learning how to process your feelings and desires towards sex go a long way in that.

    In my own opinion, this is where the church let's the body of Christ down. We're all willing to agree that God created sex, but it feels as though most Christian's stop wanting or think about sex there. It becomes this taboo subject, treated and talked about as though we're navigating a mine field. If God created sex, that means He desires for us to indulge in our sexual thoughts and feelings within the structure of marriage. However, I believe healthy sexuality needs to be learned and understood while you are single first. How can you and your spouse talk about the intimacy and brilliance of sex, and truly enjoying God's incredible creation, if you can't make yourself first be comfortable with understanding the sexual feelings and thoughts you have while you're single. The church doesn't want to talk about that, unless it's painting that sexuality in a negative light. So what happens? You get married, and then you start having those desires and thoughts about sexuality with your spouse….closely followed by the shame, guilt and confusion that the enemy has fostered in us as a result of Christian's letting the body down by not discussing these things in the light of the church. Or you work up the nerve to discuss these things with your spouse, and they're unforcomfortable with it, which makes you wonder if you should have talked about it or felt it in the first place. And this doesn't go for just adults. Being a teen and having these feelings and thoughts are WAY more confusing. It starts there, and continues to grow as we become adults.

    I believe that learning how to be healthy sexually is the beginning of the road to feeling sexy.

  10. Mercury7 says:

    This is a fantastic post, and much needed! We all can learn and grow – if we have an open mind, seek God's will, and seek out sources of information. There are some good Christian books about sex available. This site is another tremendous resource. And being able to talk to another person at a deep level is very helpful. All of those things have been valuable resources to me, and I still have a LOT to learn.

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