Sex Guessing Game – Be Winners
Sex Guessing Game
Sex Guessing Game or even worse!
I have been think al lot about The Sex Guessing Game that we often play in our marriages.
We have some sexual desire that we want our spouse to fulfill, we ‘think’ it and imagine it and even fantasize about it, but we are not open towards our spouse by actually sharing our need or desire and we expect them, in some supernatural way, to guess what we want.
This is often the cause of hurt and resentment, because your spouse does not guess what you want and you respond by sulking or experiencing rejection. It is so important that we create ways and opportunities to share our dreams, desire and fantasies.
However, I believe that there is an even worse situation…. And this is when one of you is open to share these dreams and desires and wants, but your spouse does not respond to them. What a comedown! Often sharing is very difficult, but when you actually cross that threshold and open yourself up and there is no response, it causes hurt and closes a door that was opened with hope and desire.
Sometimes it is very difficult for your spouse to share a desire or fantasy. Often the sharing was first thought through, chewed on. Maybe a sense of fear had to be pushed out of the way…… And then the disappointment.???
I think it is so important that we respond to our spouses ‘hints’ and take them very seriously. Yes, SEX is a game, but it is just so much better with two players in the game.
What suggestions can the readers make for all of us to manage this if you are the one being open, but not getting any response.
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Rose- Amen! Thanks so much for posting this. It made me laugh. I can totally relate. There was a time not all that long ago when I was threatening to make my husband go to counseling for one of his fetishes. Haha. I’m not kidding! I thought he was really disturbed and unhealthy. We were at a sexual impasse in our marriage. He kept coming back to this one fantasy over and over again. I’d tell him I thought it was messed up. He’d stop for awhile…weeks, months, maybe even a year… But then, in some stray moment I’d realize he was still thinking about it. And if I was drunk or horny enough, I’d go along with it. But then the next day I’d feel angry, hurt, annoyed, etc. but things changed eventually. It started with a prayer. In frustration one day, I told God he had to fix this. he needed to either heal my husband or, I added, as what I can only describe as a Holy Spirit inspired afterthought, that he might change me so that I didn’t think my husband needed healing anymore. God has a sense of humor, so he did the latter. It took awhile. The change didn’t happen overnight and it ended up involving a total reshaping of how I perceive sex and spirituality. But eventually I was the one who changed. Most of the time now, I can just play along with his kink. Sometimes it actually really turns me on. Other times there are still manifestations of it that rub me wrong, but I own that as being my preference now and not as being a reflection of his emotional/spiritual health or his love for me. When we get to one of those places, I can just tell him….I can’t go there today. And we change directions and move on.
I think one of the things that helped me was just learning more about my husband’s kink. I spent some time on forums where people discuss it. I read a book about it. It really helped me to find out that there were other intelligent, emotionally stable people out there who shared the same kink as my husband. And it helped me to spend a lot if time talking to him about it too. I’d read something and I’d say…is this what turns you on? And he’d explain what part of the story worked for him and what parts didn’t. And that helped me understand what he needed from me in a whole new way.
Knowledge is power as they say. I think sometimes as Christians we are afraid of certain kinds of knowledge…like they might lead us astray or whatever. And on one hand, that’s an admirable sentiment. But on the other, it is very fear based…and over and over again in the bible we are told not to fear. Sometimes I think we just need to ask God for power to break through our own fears of the unknown so that we can love our spouses better.
Eva, I really liked what you said here. And it made me think of Hosea 4:6: My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. And I think you have touched on something very crucial here. People ARE afraid of knowledge and new ideas because like you say they think it will lead them astray, but not knowing will destroy you; your marriage, your sex life, your spirituality, etc. This can be applied to so many things. Lack of knowledge about financial issues can lead to increased debt. My wife and I bought a car several years ago and it was the first time we had done that on our own. We didn’t know what we were doing and we didn’t read the fine print so they added a lot of fees that we learned later didn’t need to be on there. And if we had known about it, we could have asked them to take them off and it would have cut down on the cost. But see we didn’t know and it cost us. So yes, knowledge is power. Why did Jesus say that knowing the truth will set you free? Because it will! And not knowing will destroy you.
PS – I’m just wondering, but would you be comfortable with sharing what your husband’s kink was that you researched and had to have a change of heart about to accept it? I was just curious what it was. If you’re okay with sharing it, that is. 🙂 (But I’d really like to know. LOL) If you can, please share. 🙂
Haha…yeah…I guess I can tell. I think I’ve actually mentioned it here on the site before. The kink involves wanting me to imagine having (and really enjoying) sexual encounters outside of our marriage. The book I read was about wives who actually do have relationships outside of their marriages…obviously, we don’t take it that far.
Thanks Eva for being open with this. This must have been tough for you to think through/pray through. I’m not sure it’s appropriate for me to raise concerns but… and I guess you’ve really aware of this… having an orgasm to certain thoughts/fantasies changes the neural pathways in the brain and trains us to be stimulated by this. I heard of a man who masturbated looking down at his shoes often – later in life he could only reach orgasm by being near shoes! Lol. Fantasising about sex with other men to orgasm is therefore a standard technique of men who want their wives to ultimately have sex with other men… (I’m not saying that’s the situation in your case). So I guess I’m saying Whoa! this seems dangerous to say the least. My wife said ‘no’ to most of my fantasies which was probably good in retrospect. I grieved over 10 years but eventually came to be turned on by her just being her… I came to see the glory of just her – no fantasy. That is, it was a help for me to be told ‘no’ I had to let go of some unhealthy obsessions and find deeper fulfilment in reality. For me to be regularly orgasming to the fantasies of mine would have cemented my obsession even more and led me further down a path to more and more extreme forms of that. I liked your post on sex as healing play… when it isn’t healing – when it leads to further unhealthiness then it worries me. This is a concern I have with some of the kink stuff. It’s cool if it helps us move beyond the need for it. It worries me when people say ‘I can only orgasm if…’ In that case it might be wise to stop, grieve this practice and work to foster healthier emotional responses. As always I’d love your thoughts on this.
I think it’s totally appropriate for you to raise concerns. And I appreciate them. I have an article that is scheduled to post early next week that will probably address some of your questions.
In the meantime , I’ll just say that the sharing of fantasies like this one has strengthened our trust and our communication in our marriage A LOT. We can talk now about anything. I remember years ago being absolutely a nervous wreck anytime he talked to a certain female college student at our church. Today, we sometimes have that same girl over for dinner. She is still unmarried, but I have no hint of jealousy toward her. I remember another time I accidentally developed a small crush on a professor I was working with. I was mortified to tell my husband. The thing grew and grew into this nervous ball of crazy in my mind until I finally broke down and told him about it in tears and anguish. If the same thing happened today, I’d tell him from day one, we’d laugh about it. And it would immediately turn into a non issue.
The bottom line is that rather than bringing pain and consequences into our marriage, this kind of sharing and accepting has brought strength and healing and a mutual understanding of who we are as a couple.
I understand the reason you have fears for us, I used to have the same ones. But the bottom line is that those fears have proven to be unfounded, and if I’d continued to give into them, I would have missed an amazing opportunity to deepen our relationship.
Eva, thanks so much for sharing that. I do remember you mentioning that somewhere else on here. I would love to hear more details about how you worked through this and how you incorporate this into your times together without actually doing it. And how did you go from being disgusted by it to where it actually turns you on as well? What tips/suggestions would you give others for A) bringing up a fantasy to your spouse (kinky or not, but especially kinky) And B) hearing your spouse has a fantasy you either don’t like or feel is wrong and working through it where it blesses the marriage instead of hurting the marriage.
I’m sure others would like more details too as that could be applied to other fantasies and kinks. Maybe you need to write a brand new post discussing how how you worked through it and how you can enjoy it now and any tips you have for others. I know that would help me for sure! 🙂
HH- The post I mentioned to caveman above might answer some of your questions as well.
I would be happy to talk about the journey that led me to acceptance on this issue, but a lot of it had to do with the kinds of things I was talking about on my blog…and I’m just not sure how much of that is mh material.
What I will say, though was that a lot of my willingness to even explore the topic in more detail stemmed from my husband’s unconditional acceptance of me. I have had some crazy fantasies of my own over the years. I used to have this bondage streak that left me craving all kinds of things from collars to cages, from ropes to gags. And he always just said, “hey, I’ll try anything once!” And it dawned on me one day how far out of his comfort zone he had been willing to go for me. And that made me want to go just as far for him.
So, I realize that maybe a lot of the other wives out there aren’t begging to be caged into the closet…but even so, there’s something to be said for loving and accepting the way you want to be loved and accepted. Maybe a wife is craving a full body massage, but her husband doesn’t have very good technique. He could go out of his way to learn. He could study a book or take a class. And in all likelihood, he’ll end up being surprised at how much he enjoys the giving…maybe even more than he would enjoy having his own fantasy fulfilled.
I know that’s what both of us have found out. We’ve both found that something in each other’s fantasies has brought us much more pleasure than we ever imagined it would. Walls found out how much he liked playing power games with me. He is a laid back guy who never shows his temper or aggression publicly. It was hard for him at first, but he found out that playing bondage games with me allowed him to explore a part of himself he’d never really let himself acknowledge before. Likewise, I’ve discovered there are parts of his fantasy I can really enjoy as well. I’m a good wife, a mommy, a Sunday school teacher. But at night I can imagine being the party girl I never was, or the flirty milf on the beach. And that is fun and refreshing. Like losing yourself in the pages of a good book or a great movie…except this escape ends in a orgasm…or two…or five….and that just makes it so much more awesome. 🙂
As for how we incorporate it into our times together, it is mostly just through story telling. I’ll be sucking on him and he’ll say….wow, you’re so good at that. I’ll bet you’ve had a lot of practice. And then maybe I’ll come up and tell him a story of one time I got a lot of “practice” while I am riding him. Once, when he was away on business I had him going in a text message. All week I gave him updates about the imaginary guy I was hanging out with. He seemed to enjoy that a lot. 🙂
For us, the temptation to actually make it a real life thing is very very small. And actually, that has more to do with the love commandment than anything else. Even if, hypothetically, we could engage in such an activity without in anyway hurting each other (which in itself is highly unlikely), it would be impossible to guarantee that no one else was hurt in the process. The other person comes to mind first. Or that persons spouse if they have one. Or, if I got pregnant, youch, that isn’t a good situation to bring a baby into. Or if somehow the scandal got out to our church or our kids found out….wow. That’s just all bad and a whole lot of people end up getting hurt for no good reason. So whenever one of us might get a dreamy look in our eyes, the other just does a quick little reality check. It’s really not that difficult to not be tempted to do something that you realize has the potential for so much pain.
(Ooops! I meant the post I mentioned to Stag, not caveman! My bad!)
Hi Eva, I think you have made everyone who read your reply very inquisitive about what the ‘kink’ actually is that your husband enjoys. Well, I just need to say that we have to be so very open to our spouse’s dreams and fantasies. Once we start sharing them and helping one another to actaully experience the fantasy, iy makes thing better and exciting.
Oh, and can I just say how hot this picture is? I really want those panties she is wearing!
ditto, Eva! I want those panties as well!
My wife treated me with putting on some very sexy, white see-thru panties yesterday and showed them off at every opportunity when nobody would see her. Sexy!
Haha…By the way, Eva, I tried to check out your blog tonight and it said it had been shut down. 🙁 Boo…I was enjoying reading the articles on there and I hadn’t gotten to them all. Can you tell me if it will be up again or if you have a new one somewhere else? I would enjoy reading more of your blog. 🙂
HH-Yeah…I did take it down. The basic reason was that I just don’t know enough about websites right now to make a site like that anonymous and I don’t feel comfortable having “unorthodox” articles like that posted in a place where Christians don’t feel comfortable commenting. I think that ideas like that need to be discussed in community and that site wasn’t providing that community. I don’t know if I’ll post someplace else in the future or not. I would like to…we’ll see what the future holds…
I understand what you’re saying. I’ve had a similar dilemma myself. I’ve wanted to start a blog of my own for some time now, but I hesitate because sometimes my thoughts on things are a little “out there” and sometimes people aren’t always comfortable with that. And it’s not that I’m ashamed of anything, it’s just if I write something about masturbation, for instance, and someone who thinks masturbation is a sin reads it, that’s just going to stir the dust up. Plus if a family member reads it that might be awkward.
One idea is to use a pseudonym. I’ve seen blogs where people use a fake identity and even create an email with that fake name so they can interact with readers while remaining private. I’m sure there’s a way to post comments and discussion like on here. If you figure it out and decide to pick it up again let me know somehow. 🙂
I really really like this discussion. I feel the exact same way about this topic. There are so many things that go unsaid in relationships and then hurt feelings build up over something you never even put past someone, but on the flip side it’s devastating when you say something and you actually opened yourself up to ridicule or embarrassment and it’s not accepted or taken seriously. I think that if your spouse tells you a desire or something you make initially be a bit shocked by or think is “weird” or “kinky” instead of labeling them a freak or telling them they need “help” you should first realize just how honored you are to have so much trust from them that they can be open with you and however you respond should be with grace and the desire to love and understand your spouse.
Good point, Silver. I like what you said about remembering their trust in sharing it in the first place. Very important to remember.
Hi Ho Silver, There is one sentence in what you said that blessed me so much…..”you should first realize just how honored you are to have so much trust from them that they can be open with you….” This is so true. We should always remember that your spouse might have had to cross a very dangerous bridge to get to that place of sharing a desire or a fantasy with the ONLY person who can make that dream or fantasy happen. Let us honor them for that and then….. MAKE IT HAPPEN!
LOL on that Hi ho Silver reference! 😀 I’m not a pony play person per se, but I do fancy a bit-gag and some reins with a riding crop every once in awhile.
Silver, one of the greatest things about this website is the openness that we all have about our sexuality. Where else can you tell people that you like a riding crop, or that you masturbated while reading a story or that you enjoy this-or-that. Thanks Marriage Heat.
Such a great point, Silver! I think you touched on that in your book and it was so…..like a lightbulb when I read it! Sort of like, “Wow! I had never thought about it like that!” You are right on, dear sister!
Oh, I am SO glad that you liked it and even felt blessed by it! 😀 That makes my heart happy! Happy playing!
One thing to consider if your spouse doesn’t respond is how connected you are to your spouse outside the bedroom. If your spouse doesn’t feel connected to you emotionally, that’s not the time to bring up a new fantasy or desire. Make sure your spouse doesn’t feel emotionally neglected or disconnected first. I know there have been times with my wife where I had been short with her the past few days and that makes her back away. When I’ve tried to talk to her about anything sexual during that time, it is met with resistance. But usually it isn’t about the sexual topic or new thing I’m trying to talk to her about, it’s just because she had her feelings hurt because I snapped at her earlier. But once I correct that part, she is more open to hearing my ideas/suggestions about sexual things.
So that’s just one thing to consider if your spouse rejects or doesn’t respond to your new idea. Check to see if there’s some area where there’s a disconnect elsewhere in the marriage.
And communicate! Your spouse cannot read your mind. So if there’s something you want to try (after making sure there’s no disconnect in the relationship) then just talk about it. Sometimes you might be surprised by their reaction. They may be open to trying it simply because you brought it up. Or maybe they have even thought about it too, but were hesitant to bring it with you! So you got the ball rolling so to speak. As they say, “Many things are lost for want of asking.” And sometimes we simply don’t have because we don’t ask. (James 4:2) So it’s all about communication here.
HH you are so spot-on with your comment. The way I like to describe it is that marriage is like having a “Savings Account” at a bank and NOT a “cheque account.” You can only draw from a savings account what you have deposited in it. You can NOT draw from a marriage if you do not make frequent deposits in it.
I agree with all that has been said here. In my experience, there is only one thing more intense and vulnerable than sex, and that is talking to your spouse about your deepest sexual fantasies and urges, even if those thoughts, images or fantasies might not be things you want to discuss with anyone. Often these things ARE sinful but undeniably arousing. Many times talking about them and bringing them into the light helps to conquer them. More on the topic of this post and in terms of non-sinful thoughts and urges,things that you can do with your spouse without shame, it is very difficult to come to grips with disclosing those wants, needs or desires only to have them ignored or brushed off, especially when you know that you would pretty much be willing to try anything if requested by your spouse. I guess what I am also saying is that it is deeply painful when your own spouse is ambivalent or disengaged. It makes you feel very alone, especially if you are the only one communicating.
I have a question about what you said. You say “Often these things ARE sinful but undeniably arousing.” What are you referring to?
I am not going to divulge her fantasy, but I can give you a hypothetical example. You could be aroused by a threesome fantasy without desiring it. It is a SIN but arousing to many. To confess the arousal would be troubling to many, but revealing it could help to overcome the thoughts. I hope that helps.
Great answer. Thank you.
Since this is anonymous, I suppose that it is not that terrible for me to reveal, but my wife, who is a wonderful Christian woman, admits that in the past she has reached orgasm by thinking of very graphic sexual scenes of various types, including but not limited to threesomes of 2 men and a woman or 2 women and a man, always the thoughts being on the woman being ravaged and her response to the pleasure. She feels quite guilty about this and, as a result, has pretty much chosen to not try to seek orgasm unless she can be aroused by physical stimulous alone. I have tried to work to solve this problem by getting her to focus on letting herself go during our lovemaking, mimicking the arousing pleasures the women in her fantasies are experiencing, but she has difficulty being verbally or even physically expressive. It has been a challenge in our love life, for certain. We have a very good sex life, but I feel bad for her that there are non-sinful areas where she has not let herself reach. All of us are damaged goods, to some extent.
I like the way you explain this. That it’s possible to be aroused by something without desiring to actually do it. It makes me wonder, too, how many people have done something sinful because they were aroused by it so they thought they either had to do it or just gave in to it. Whether it was having a 3some or something with same sex or a group thing or whatever. But it makes me wonder how many people mistakenly thought that was who they were or what their sexuality was about and engaged in it and later regretted it or caused their spouse to follow them into a sinful place and regretted that.
Ouch Thougtfulwriter. I feel your hurt. Sex in marriage is so wonderful and enjoyable and yet it can be a place of such hurt and resentment. Maybe you should copy and email this discussion to your spouse.
Watch this space! I am going to share a letter that I received from my wife with one of her fantasies. It blew me away! My wife can be so f*cken sexy that she get me dripping like a tap.
I know I’m “late to the game” this time but, I have got to say, I so agree with the topic and with most of the comments! It was so hard for me to be open to even hearing my husband’s fantasies, much less fulfilling them. It took quite a toll on our marriage as he just eventually stopped sharing them. Praise be to God, He used MarriageHeat to show me how beautiful sex in marriage is and how much FUN it can be! Now, I am the one sharing my fantasies and my husband sort of doesn’t know what to do with it. I think I have shut him down so often in the past, now he isn’t sure how to be open about his desires anymore. But God is so good and we are working on lovingly communicating and being approachable to each other and our desires. I so appreciate all the comments…the ones that are standing out in my mind right now from Silver, thoughtfulwriter, and the Rose about the importance of acceptance of your spouse and realizing that their vulnerability is a huge gift that some couples do not have! Keep sharing your wisdom all of you brothers and sisters; you are touching hearts!!
CMLove, what I would suggest for you to do. Be very open towards your husband and confess that you feel that your responses in the past have hurt him and you want to repair the hurt and rebuild the bridges. Invite him to ‘start over’ and to share his fantasies again. Keep on keeping on untill the bridge is rebuilt. Remember, the heavier the load to be carried, the stronger the bridge to be built.
I don’t know if this will help anyone or not, but this post has reminded me of a book I read called, “Fantasy Fallacy” by Shandon Ethridge. Basically she discusses the idea that our fantasies, even (or especially) our kinky ones, can teach us about ourselves. And with the right direction and walking with God through them, we can understand them and ourselves better. So it’s not so much about the fantasy itself, but why we want that particular fantasy. So you might check it out if you are interested.
I wonder who would share some of their fantasies that were met…..or NOT!
tw- Walls was reading through these comments this morning and he thought you totally nailed it in your third point. Since he never posts anything on here, I just thought I’d pass that along. 🙂
Rose – I am not afraid to put mine out there. In the realm of fantasies that are permitted, I have a currently unmet fantasy of watching my wife mastubate to orgasm for me, either with me watching or me “catching” her or walking in on her. I think that would be amazing and thrilling for me, I guess partially because my wife is so shy and the opposite of sexually bold. She just has not been able to do that yet, although a few times she has made herself cum after I have gotten her right to the brink through my efforts. I also fantasized about her shaving her pussy bare, which she did reluctantly at first and now barely has anything down there. She now would never go back. Fulfilled! In the realm of unpermitted, I admit that I often have had the fantasy of a threesome with my wife and another woman, which would include the other woman enjoying both of us. I think the subconscious reason for this fantasy is the desire to see my wife being sexually adventurous, aggressive and uninhibited, but beyond that I don’t know why this is in my mind. The gist of the fantasy is watching my wife, not really my role in it. I guess it involves another woman because the thought of her being fucked by another man in a threesome would be too much to bear, even in a fantasy. Mind you, in her fantasies she has confessed it is usually two men with a nameless woman. I understand that this is a wrong and sinful thought to have and have never let this move into the realm of an actual desire, much less something to act on. God forbids such activities for good reasons and the destruction or disruption to a marriage would be inevtiable or highly probable. Enough said. In other realms I have lots of romantic and erotic thoughts about places and things to do with my wife, but they are very situational and fluid. There you have it. I would love to hear of other people’s fantasies.
Happy Husband, I can just imagine what a Happy Husband you would be when your dream to see your wife pleasuring herself becomes a reality. I personally think it is important for you to pray about the 3-some fantasy that you have. I believe that many of us have had this type of fantasy due to our previous involvement with pornography. When we do premarital counseling, we mention this as one of the only few things that are NOT permitted in marriage sex.
However, watching your wife masturbating is one of the greatest pleasures that a man can ask for. (I have just submitted a story “Mirror, Mirror” that will knock your socks off) I have this pleasure on a very regular basis and it still is one of my great thrills.
Have you ever asked your wife what HER fantasies are? How about making a deal of fulfilling her wildest fantasy FIRST.
Rose – I am totally with you about the 3some issue. I have pretty much figured out that it really isn’t a fantasy about a 3some as much as it is about my wife being totally into pleasure. As far as asking my wife about her fantasy, I have asked and asked with her saying that she really does not have one that she would actually want to do. That is part of my frustration, getting her to let down, to engage and to treat sex as “adult playtime.” In many ways she is just a very “practical” person. This is actually part of the reason she can’t get my masturbation fantasy, as she says “why do I need to masturbate if I have you?” I am not complaining, just stating it as it is. With God’s help both of us can hopefully move to a better place and more towards each other in this aspect of our wonderful marriage.
Eva… so hard to sift out all the commentary and not be redundant, but I’ll try.
Fantasizing about one’s wife having sex with others actually reflects a biological basis. Studies indicate that men whose wives are unfaithful show increases in testosterone and sperm levels. Reputedly, this is the man’s body’s way of ‘fighting’ to get his mate back.
In my early 20’s, a girlfriend of mine was unfaithful to me with a guy who was 5 years older than me and therefore more established than I was. I only briefly got angry, then quickly found myself fantasizing about her in bed with ‘him’ (I never met the man and had no clue what he looked like). Though it does not fit the Christian model, I did once chat with a man online whose wife was conventionally very beautiful while he admittedly was somewhat unremarkable. They had a marriage in which she had sex with ‘good-looking’ Ken while denying her husband. Rather than reflect any poor self-image on his part or arrogance on hers, this game of theirs only reinforced that in reality, a man’s looks did not matter to her.
I understand true infidelity is out of the question. Perhaps try this:
Ground rules
1) You determine how much clothing he wears, up to none.
2) You wear either a bikini or underwear.
3) You may touch any part of him you wish; he may touch only what on you is bare.
As you make out and he explores with his hands, fictitiously ‘explain’ why he can’t go further (not ambitious enough, not built like you like ’em– any play-lie will do.)
Absence of malice is what makes this work.
Hope this helps a little.
Tommy, yes, there is definitely some biology behind the “hot wife” fantasy, as it is commonly referred. Not only is there more testosterone present, orgasms are also stronger. And there’s also some fascinating science about how sperm is designed to combat sperm from other males inside the female body.
Thanks for your tips! Maybe something to try out tonight…