Unfully Consummated Marriage
Hello all on MH. 🙂
My name is Christian(AKA NerdyRooster)
And while I’ve been a reader of MH for well over a year now I just recently joined after my wife and I just got married in October.
Anyway to straight to the point I want to ask for some advice/help because my wife and I haven’t been fully able to have sex yet. We have tried many times and when I try to penetrate, she says it “hits a wall” and I can’t really get any father than my head in and then I slide either up of down and out. Because of this and the fact that its very new since we are both virgins who only dated each other it results in either me or her becoming unaroused.
We’ve mostly resorted to(sexy I might add) oral and manual sex and have both enjoyed it but we, of course are upset by the fact we cat seem to “get it” right.
We’ve read about vaginismus, but besides the whole not being able to get in part she says it doesn’t really hurt it doesn’t fully seem to make sense.
Her labia I believe are a little bigger and protrude and when I try to finger her she says she starts to feel uncomfortable and like there is a growing pressure.
Any help and/or advice would he so helpful.
Like I said, I’ve been a reader of this place for awhile and I don’t mind saying this site helped me(along with my now wife and God) put away my need for porn)
Nerdy Rooster- we’ve had similar questions about this on here before. So you and your wife are not alone. You didn’t mention in your post if your wife has been to a doctor yet. So I guess that’s my first question. There are obgyns, of course, and there are also women’s health physical therapists. I would recommend your wife try to see both if the two if you can’t figure this out on your own pretty soon. Start with the obgyn and she can do an exam and also give your wife info on women’s PTs in the area if the problem is something outside her realm of expertise.
A couple things you might want to think about while you are waiting for the doctors appointment, though…
Women’s hymens come in different thicknesses. Some are super thin and are barely noticeable. Some are so thick they have to be surgically removed. To give yourselves a visual, Cut out a circle from a typical latex balloon and put it over the end of an empty toilet paper roll like a drum. Maybe secure it with a rubber band so it doesn’t move around. The toilet paper roll is like the vagina, and the balloon is like the hymen. Take a pair of scissors and poke a hole in the stretched out face of the balloon. That hole in the balloon can be really big, or there might not be much of a hole at all. And the existing hole in your wife’s hymen can also be very big or Very small. Assuming your wife has her period every month, though, there is some hole or else she wouldn’t bleed through it.
What people often misunderstand about hymens is that they are actually very thin muscles that retract toward the walls of the vagina. They will stretch with frequent use, but if you try to penetrate it suddenly without working your way gradually, it can be painful and bloody. Or, possibly, it might feel like there is a wall that cannot be penetrated at all.
So, there is a chance that your wife’s issue is that she has a very small existing hole in her hymen. If this is the case, you or she might be able to work on stretching it with more foreplay and lots of lube and by gently and slowly inserting fingers or other narrow objects into her vagina.
You also might try different positions. It took my husband and I a couple days after we married to figure sex out. He was hitting a wall too when we tried the good old missionary position, but then when he tried doing me doggie style he slid right in.
So, those are a couple solutions you might try at home before seeing the dr. But keep in mind that some girls really do need to have their hymens taken care of surgically and some girls really do have vaginismus and other such issues that require medical care. So please encourage your wife to make an appointment. 3 months is a long time to be waiting to consummate your marriage.
Such wonderful advice, Eva! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
To be honest, this does sound like vaginismus to me. Vaginismus is not exactly the same for every woman, so it’s possible she has vaginismus even if it doesn’t seem incredibly painful. My husband and I had the exact same experience, and it took treating the vaginismus to consummate our marriage. Happy to talk more if helpful.
Lauren, I for one would be very interested in hearing your story about this. It seems like this topic comes up periodically, but it never seems like anyone has any personal success stories. I’d be curious to hear things like when you figured out you had a problem, what your experience was getting a diagnosis, what your treatment was like, and ultimately how long it took rectify the whole situation.