Marriage Sex

Men; What Would You Have Done?

This is for the gentlemen out there to answer; After being married for nearly twelve years my wife and I were having a discussion one evening concerning our past, our past supposedly prior to us being together as a dating couple and as then a married couple. There had been other times when this topic had been broached and her revelation’s were always concerning a time before she and I became what was understood to be an exclusive couple. 

But on this particular evening she for whatever her reason or motivation to do so revealed to me a secret that she had been harboring for as I noted earlier, nearly twelve years. She told me that night, that prior to our wedding day by about three weeks, that she had gone to a party and gotten drunk and slept with another guy. That is not the end of this story though….or the for me…the most devastating factors which resulted in me being destroyed emotionally. You see at the time that she committed this act of betrayal, she was pregnant with what at the time I had been told by her was my child, engaged to me having accepted a ring and wearing it, and as I said did this just three weeks prior to our wedding day. She kept this from me all of those years and then decided to “be honest with me”. 

This revelation came many years ago. We are still married, but we went through some very difficult years after her confession. My reactions to finding this out were less than what the Bible has devised as guidelines and requirement concerning forgiveness. Without  going into all that transpired I will tell you that her revelation caused deep, deep pain, a concern and doubt that my child was really my child, thinking that she may be telling me the truth about having slept with this guy, but in telling the story lied about the date and time of that happening…and that she actually slept with him prior to having found out she was pregnant.  

Okay, because I have kept this secret of her to myself for all of these years, and never sought out the opinion of  other men as to how they would have reacted if they had been put in the situation that I found myself in, I’m now asking as sort of an informal pole, how the men out there would have taken the news that I received had they been put in that same situation; girlfriend pregnant and leading me believe the child to be was mine, her having accepted my proposal of marriage as well as taken my ring to wear, …and then doing what she did such a short time prior to marrying me and then concealing all of this from me until twelve years into our marriage.

I seriously would like to hear from other men and have them weigh in on this as to what they would have done had they been put in this position/situation?

 

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18 replies
  1. copen1 says:

    I can certainly understand the initial devastation of hearing such news under those circumstances. I can also understand maybe not handling it so well in the beginning. But… Assuming questions of paternity and subsequent patterns of behavior have been settled, there has to be a time of healing and forgiveness. If you have decided to forgive her and remain married, then you must do so completely. It would be unfair and hurtful to her, to yourself, to your marriage, and even to your child(ren) to hold this over her head for the rest of her life. Prolonged resentment, anger, and hatred will destroy you both. Professional counseling is certainly in order, if you haven't already. ( just my opinion) I am not advocating divorce, but if, at the end of the day, you just cannot forgive her, then you should probably think about other options. Personally though, if you truly love her, and she is no longer involved in that type of wrongdoing, I think you should forgive her and let…it…go…

  2. Abelle says:

    I really do believe you should tell her how you feel, not as an attack to her or in an aim to hurt her – I believe it would only cause you both more pain – but in a way to be true to your feelings, you must clarify your doubt. And it also raises an important question to youself: I understand that being lied to is concern and I respect and agree. However, is this child more or less your son/daughter now? Is it worth it to you to find out?
    I believe those are important questions to be answered before you open this scar again. Just my opinion though. You should follow your heart and always, always keep in mind that if you too are still together it is because you BOTH chose to be, for some reason.. like love.

  3. PacMan says:

    Interesting topic. It's a lot easier to digest this from the "outside." I hope I would respond with love, forgiveness, and healing — but also recognize that the pain and betrayal would be quite real. Confession is maybe the most vulnerable thing in the world. And sharing our secrets is a sacred moment, one that is like a prisoner being set free. I would want to honor that moment as holy ground, but also ask for complete transparency. Set all her secrets free. Has she betrayed you at other times, even after marriage? Now is a time to let it go and be met with a full serving of grace & mercy. I think the thing I would have a hard time with is a pattern of dishonesty and half-truths. However, as betrayed as you feel, SHE has been carrying the weight of this deception for 12 years of marriage. The confession was needed for the sake of her own soul — which shows that God is at work in her!

  4. asm says:

    You have committed you life to her. You love her. She messed up, and we all do. We are all sinners. Forgive her as Jesus commanded us to do. Only that will bring healing to both of you. Harboring it will only bring more pain. Pray to Jesus that he will soften your heart and remove the pain and anger. Pray for him to heal your heart and your marriage.

  5. JK77 says:

    Peace to you Brother. Number one thing is LOVE HER. Choose to Love her. It is a choice. Yes, she screwed up. She kept it a secret all this time. Do you love your kid? Either way your the Dad. She has been feeling the guilt of this for over 12 years. That's a lot to carry around. Yes, it hurts, a lot. But put on your big boy pants, Man it up and Love her anyway. Tell her you will love HER ANYWAY. DON'T LET THE ENEMY WIN.
    I think it best to get it all out on table meaning is your child really yours? And no matter what, you are the Dad. This way no doubt is hanging out there. She confessed because she needed freedom, only you can give her that. The only way to do that is to say, "I forgive you. I Love you, Lets move on". This will change your life and you get to choose which way it will go. I love you and am praying for you to do the right thing. LOVE HER?

    • ServantLeader says:

      Yes, Love her. Forgive her. Love this child. She needs the freedom only you can give, SO DO YOU. Yes, it hurts. I'm praying you look to our Lord's example for strength and guidance and forgiveness. Don't let the enemy win. In my own marriage, the enemy won – everyone else lost. I love you brother. Choose wisdom. Choose peace. Choose forgiveness.

    • "Beauty's" Man says:

      First of all thank you each one of you that had weighed in on this topic. There has been thus far very viable comments made along with sound recommendations in the form of advisement. I'm going to reserve my thought's concerning this whole story, because the story was not complete when I submitted it for posting. I do though again, thank each of you that have taken the time to respond.After so many years of withholding all of this, or better put, holding this all in, it has been a great release to me to be able to finally hear …..what others may have done, had they found themselves in my situation.
      As a sidebar: I will finish this story in a few days to provide for you all, how I handled the situation those many years ago. Again thanks to each of you for your well meaning thoughts and comments.

  6. Repented Man says:

    I'll offer an answer from the dark side of this type of thing. I was the one who cheated on my wife… with two different women… each after the birth of one of our children. So yes, I was the person who caused my wife so much pain like you're experiencing. ServantLeader was right and my wife CHOSE to stay with me. She hated my guts, she was scared, she was hurt, she had every right to leave, she had one of the only two biblically permissible reasons for divorce but she chose not to. I can't thank her enough for a second chance and for keeping our family together and I have made the most of it. So here's my ideas on what to do and what not to do. Take it for what its worth.

    DO:
    1) CHOSE TO LOVE HER AND STAY WITH HER. I cant stress how important this is. Keep your family intact, give her a chance to repent and change if need be, and seek professional christian counseling for your pain. If she refuses to go to couples counseling, go on your own to individual therapy – if you're working on yourself, you're still working on your marriage.
    2) Find out if you are the father. It should NOT change how much you love the child but you won't have to worry about yes or no.
    3) If you have any doubts about her current faithfulness, require her to give you open access to her phone at all times. You might also require passwords for social media accounts, bank accounts, credit cards, any account where she might be able to hide something. If she has nothing to hide, this will be a no brainer for her and she'll understand that its part of the process of rebuilding trust in her. If you dont have this doubt, you are way ahead of where we started.
    4) Vow to yourself that no matter what comes u[, you'll stay with her even if you don't feel like it. You might not feel like it for years even but its worth it. There may be more secrets that come out later and they may scratch open new wounds that feel like you're starting all over but hang in there. Life can be REALLY hard but God is good and your marriage is worth it.
    5) Forgive but forgive on your own time after going through the proper process. Dont just automatically say you forgive her, you'll hold it over her instead of freeing yourself by doing that. Go through the grieving process of losing parts of what you knew as your marriage and after that go through the process of forgiveness. At the end of the day forgiveness is a choice but taken too lightly, you wont free yourself from this pain.
    6) Be VERY cautious of the advice of well meaning friends and family if you two choose to share this with them. They may say leave, they may say punish her, they may say all sorts of crazy crap to make you feel better and put her down.

    DONT:
    1) Dont be afraid to express all of your thoughts and emotions to her. She will never grasp the full extent of your hurt, but the more you can explain and confide in her, the more she'll realize "holy crap, this is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be."
    2) Dont withhold intimacy. If sex is now an issue for you, dont wait too long to start again. Everyone is different and it may vary from weeks to months but for God's sake and yours, dont hold out for more than months. You'll develop that intimacy again but it will most likely be really awkward at first. My wife and I have had sex once in 4 years since she found out. Lets just say this has been a very challenging time and we'd be alot further along the road to recovery if she wasnt holding out as a punishment. I believe it was Paul (I dont remember which book) who said a couple shouldnt withhold sex from each other for an extended period of time lest the devil get a foothold in your relationship.
    3) Don't overlook the possible changes in her for the better and don't poo poo small improvements in your relationship. In other words, dont just feel like if you havent seen major progress that nothing is getting better. Take inventory of the positive things in your relationship much more frequently than the negative ones.

    Hopefully that helps a little!

  7. SCG says:

    Interesting question. My friends, a wise pastor gave me a very important nuance to the whole discussion of forgiveness. He said that it there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. We can forgive, but it does not mean we are able to continue with the status quo ante. Reconciliation requires rebuilding. Rebuilding requires re-establishing trust. Trust betrayed is remarkably difficult to re-establish. You are not less of a man for not being able to reconcile, as it is a separate step from forgiving.

    That being said, we here can be a supporting forum, but you will likely require some outside help on this. I have recommended marriage counselling to many people. When they tell me that there is no problem in their marriage, I tell them that such counselling can be about repair or about preventative maintenance. Both of you need to go. Let me say that again: both of you need to go. Marriage is not about one person's life. It is about the life of a couple. As such, the challenges of marriage are also about the couple.

    You have a right to know if there have been any others. You have a right to know if this was the only tryst that your wife had.

    Last, my friends, flagrant adultery is emotional abuse. Just as any other type of abuse is unacceptable in a marriage, and reasonable grounds for ending the marriage, emotional abuse is as well. If it were "just sex," we would not have the seem deep reactions to it. Understanding it as abuse is important.

    Best to all. Good luck to Beauty's Man

  8. Benny says:

    Reading your story, Beauty's Man, I am left with a sense of sadness for your underlying turmoil. I do have multiple questions as well. Were you in love when she got pregnant, would you have gotten married anyway? If not, did you develop a trusting and loving relationship over the first 12 years? Were you happy at that time? Why do you think that at 12 years in, she told you that story? Was she ashamed by what she had done and did she ask for forgiveness? Or did she act like it was no big deal, an event almost forgotten? Or were your recollections of previous encounters at that time meant as a mutual turn on? Telling each other personal

    • "Beauty's" Man says:

      Yes we were or I should say I was very much in love at the time she got pregnant.I assumed for many years that she was too.Marriage had been discussed prior to her revealing to me that she thought she was pregnant, and then of course having the confirmed through a Dr,'s testing. She was, and still is ….that never changes : ) three my younger. So discussion of marriage was based on the future, after she had graduated from high school. Yes was in the latter stages of her senior year of high school when we discovered that she was pregnant. We had a very happy marriage up until "the revelation". We did have one major time of sadness when we lost our second daughter age the age of two, due to a severe infection that spread through her little body and was never able to be brought under control. At the time of the revelation, we had since had another child ( daughter ) and had moved into a new home. We were not just in my eye's but in so many peoples eye's within our church and the circle of friends we associated with, known to be the, "The Perfect Family/Couple.
      As far as why she told me ….the setting of that situation was a casual conversation between the two of us that had brought in the topic of our past girlfriends and boyfriends. It wasn't a conversation surrounding sex, or one being used to turn the other person on, it was simply she and I talking about the level of seriousness we had each had with other people prior to she and I becoming an exclusive couple. I had assumed she was virgin until her and I….(I have add here prior to the pregnancy…the knowledge of it, she and I had only had intercourse one single time. We had done a lot of other sexually related things, but stopped short always of intercourse). ….and I made a statement along those lines of her having lost her virginity to me, and that I was the only one she had ever had sex with ….from that, she then revealed that "yes you were the first, but not the only". She did act in a way as though it was no big deal, although I do think that she simply assumed that our history would cover a multitude of her sin's. In other words, with twelve years of a good, sometime really good marriage, two children, and so on, that her "little mistake" would be taken by me as…."a little mistake". Which of course it wasn't….it was devastating to me in two forms; one being that in fact had taken place at all, and two, that she withheld the truth from me ….and in fact did not come clean with me prior to us getting married….which would have given me and opportunity to prove to her the depth of my love for her…because I can honestly state, with sincere conviction that had she told me of her unfaithful encounter…I would have at the time, forgiven her and married her ….I loved her that much.

  9. Benny says:

    (Accidentally sent) erotic stories? What I am getting at, I guess, is about your wife's state of mind. There may be layers of issues and events underlying what your then fiancé did, but it may also be something as simple as a young woman getting drunk and getting taken advantage of: a horrible, hurtful, mistake, but an isolated event. An infidelity, when pregnant, that she was too frightened to talk about for fear of losing you. She may have been protecting herself and her child and your futures after making a horrible mistake. If it were me, those issues would be important in establishing trust. After this many years, I would consider professional counseling with a reputable, recommended Christian oriented marriage therapist. Forgiveness is important, but further, rejuvenating trust can provide a foundation for a much stronger and viable and honest and joy filled relationship.

  10. Benny says:

    My heart goes out to you. I would assume from your earlier post, the revelation hurt in a third way by making you wonder what else she hasn't told you. I would personally get professional help for my marriage, after talking to several individuals who may know a good counselor, such as a minister, a close friend or a trusted healthcare provider. Make sure that the counselor has Christian values, or at least respect your values. I have spoken to troubled married couples many times over the years as a listening ear. I realize that I am by no ways a marriage counselor, but it has put me in a position to see progress in very troubled marriages. The only piece of advice that I have given is that the fiery times can be an opportunity to strengthen a marriage and to express commitment and love through the acts of forgiving and changing. Not to make excuses, but she was a senior in high school, you were a year or two older, both very young. You have been through a lot over the years. Working through this distrust and hurt may prove to be a very fortifying event in your marriage.

  11. Lowell Miller says:

    Lots of good advice. I didn't read all the comments but you did say she was pregnant and you believed with your child before marriage. Your child or not have you considered repenting to her for the dishonor it was to her to have sex before marriage? Am I on the wrong site to make this statement? Isn't it a sin? Fornication. You were not married and that was dishonoring to her. I don't mean to be condemning its just that I am an older single guy and have fought hard to honor the Bible and my future wife and keep my virginity. Repenting for the dishonor may go a long way in helping her to break free of the temptation to cheat on you or hold back information or leave you. All the best to you bro.

    • "Beauty's" Man says:

      Lowell,
      You've brought up a very valid point or two. It is a sin to have sex outside the bounds of marriage, either prior to marriage or after and yes I did tell her that I was wrong to have engaged her in sex prior to marriage. I did this long before she came to me and revealed what she had done. In fact her becoming pregnant led me to me to make a public confession of my sin in front of the church that we both attended….had both grown up in. So yes she did get from me, an apology for having put her in that position and for having violated her virginity. One sin does at times does begat another, meaning my ignoring the Biblical standards of morality may have led to her moral sin, not only with me, but with the other guy she involved herself with sexually. Thank you for your reminder that this site is Biblical based site.

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