Advice needed
MH family, I have been reading the site for almost a year and think it is wonderful how so many couples are still so in love many years after the honeymoon. I am here to ask how do you do it. We have been married 16 years, raised 5 children and now are raising two grandchildren. Our aging relative also lives with us. There is no time to be a couple. It is always taking care of someone else. I have just about given up trying to put the spark back in our marriage. Today is the last straw my husband knows I have been upset with him for a couple weeks but he has yet to figure out that it is just as simple as he has done nothing and I mean nothing to show me he cares. He has put his job first.
Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful father and helps clear the table after supper and pick up around the house but I need a husband, not just a room mate. Today he had the nerve to ask me if I was upset just because we have not had relations. I told him no I gave up on that over a month ago and he replied it has not been that long it was just a week and a half ago. I was floored by his statement for two reasons. First, it has been 48 days and second, he thinks it is ok to not come together as a couple for an extended period of time. MH friends, I love my husband but I need someone who fulfills my emotional needs. How do you keep the flame burning hot?
Sorry about your situation, but I can relate. We are raising a big family of 5 kids and have also had in-laws leaving with us for long periods as well. That is certainly a challenge and puts on a strain. Every situation is different so my thoughts are general. First, on the spiritual side, put God first and go to Him with your issues. Have prayer over your stresses individually and as a couple. Second, you need to make time for your selves as a couple. Evening dates or get-always if it is possible. Even a 10 minute walk together is helpful. You need time together to build your relationship. Third, in a non-threatening way discuss your sexual relationship with your husband. Talk about your needs and desires. In conversations with Amanda over the years these talks can transition into what the other isn’t doing. Don’t do that, but make it about what you need and desire. In the sexual area, there are degrees of satisfaction. What I mean is that some things are more enjoyable than others and those may change at different times. When life prevents your top choice then go for something else. This might be a quickie or where one is pleasured and the other is not. Our biggest challenge has been the different sex drives. I am high and Amanda is low. We manage this in different ways using compromise. Sometimes Amanda will just focus on me sexually and give me oral or a hand job. Sometimes we will just masturbate together rather than intercourse. And sometimes we will masturbate alone. We will always let know and give the right of first refusal if the other is near but unable to engage. Amanda is most often likely to masturbate when we are separated for long periods. I do this more regularly because she has the lower drive. In this, our masturbation is not exclusive, not done in secret, and done while focusing on the other. What this has done for us is take the pressure off the sexual aspect of our relationship, reduced bitterness, and provided a healthy alternative. Of course, my preference is full engagement with her body in all of the awesome ways God has provided, but sometimes circumstances just prevent that. In this communication and mutual understanding is vital. Anyway, pray for God’s wisdom, make time for your relationship with each other, and consider compromises and strategies for your sexual relationship.
My goodness I can't imagine how hard this must be for you 🙁 My heart goes out to you. Would it be possible to just sit down with him and get him to talk? First off, be grateful for what he does – you yourself said that he is a wonderful father, clears the table up, and that's all well and good. But remember those lines in Corinthians where it tells you "defraud ye not one the other", which certainly makes it NOT ok, because defrauding you is what he's doing. Sex is a right & duty for both spouses. Show him those lines, and to explain how you feel, but don't be aggressive, as that will only push him away. How many people are in the house now? My husband & I are also raising our granddaughter, and we have the same rules for her as we did for our two daughters, one of them being a set bedtime. But I hope things get better for you, and may God bless you
I suggest looking up Nicole Moore on YouTube, she is a dating and relationship coach and I have grown so much by learning from her. First of all, you will get nothing from a man coming from an energy of criticism. You will also get nothing if you play games and are not authentic and speak your truth and how you feel, but expect him to figure it out. Doing those two things will only cause him to withdraw and want to distance himself further from you. Appreciation and seeing him through the lens of charity, understanding, and respect is the only way to inspire a man to want to please you, serve you, and treat you like His Queen. Men need to feel understood, respected, appreciated, loved, and seen just like we do as women. Only when you give eachother these things and also be direct and upfront about what is going on inside your mind and your heart can you both draw closer and foster deeper emotional and physical intimacy.
I highly recommend "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle. It's all about how to facilitate and build intimacy in your relationship and it starts with how you treat and communicate with your husband. Also self care is HUGE. If you are always taking care of other people, then you are hurting yourself by neglecting the self care you need.
Taking care of an elderly relative can strain even a strong relationship. Add to that 2 grandchildren, and the stress levels at times must grow exponentially. After raising 5 children, I am sure you had expectations about what you would be doing at this stage in your life and this wasn't it. Personally, I would be frustrated with more than my spouse if left to these duties. To take on those responsibilities, you must be an amazing individual. Throughout the last 25 years, I have encountered hundreds of kids raised by grandparents and saw what a tremendous blessing it is for those children. You must be an incredibly giving person. Hopefully, you can take time to give to yourself. Is there a community to help you? Other relatives? Play dates with other neighborhood families, adults to act as baby sitters from your church congregation? A senior center? Head start if the kids are smaller? Before you tackle the issues with your husband, I wonder if you may want to refill your own cup some by taking personal time. As my wife says, stop "to take a cleansing breath." Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I can't help but think there is far more that is frustrating you than the lack of sex. You have my prayers. You are doing incredible things for others.
I have read and re-read this posting and I find it heartbreaking. What I read between the lines is that the writer of this expects her husband to be part of the Guessing Game. She has certain hurts, desires and wishes that she feels will make her marriage better and make her feel more loved and desired, but she wants her husband to to guess what she needs. My dear lady, men do not work that way. We are FACTUAL beings. Tell us straight. We cannot guess what our wives want.
It also seems that you have already made a decision that you have had enough and that you are just looking for a reason to bail out. A marriage is not something that we can "come in" and "go out" of because of likes and dislikes. It is something you WORK for and FIGHT for and PRAY for and MAKE LOVE for and use every possible way to make it work. It is a battle out there. SATAN will do whatever he can to destroy your marriage. You say " I love my husband but I need someone who fulfills my emotional needs." Here is the BAD news. Husbands and wives CANNOT fulfill all our emotional needs. we are all broken people and we all need to be fulfilled by God. Then and only then will our spouses be'enough' for us.
My dear lady, go and love your husband. Be wild, Be sexy. Do things that will excite him. Walk naked in front of the TV while he is watching. Sit opposite him and show off with your womanly charms and catch his eye. Tie him up if you have to, but I promise you that IF you truly want him to notice you and make love to you, you can do it.
May I suggest that you read https://marriageheat.com/2015/12/14/sex-guessing-game/
I would recommend you be honest… it sounds like you said that it didn't bother you that you hadn't had relations in 48 days… but this post obviously makes it clear that that is not true.
Keeping it simple. Do a date night. Once every month or two. Hire help, (baby sitter, adult care provider), whatever. If a couples only trip can be arranged even better.