Questioning Self-Image

In my experience it helps to do things that make them say, hmmm. In a good way, of course.

First check yourself. This doesn't mean you turn your life upside down to inappropriately cater to him, but be who God made you to be to him. Learn about yourself. Who are you as wife. You may take something as frivolous that he takes serious. Words, statements, & actions that you can handle may play to his insecurity. It sounds like you are doing well, tuning to this. But, how you can tell where to work is his reactions. Where does he react most harshly or most happily? Those are indicators of where he is most sensitive. It might not be the whole of what is done that sets him off. It might just be a word used, or a phrase. But, this isn't just words, it is touching, too. Your actions show your thoughts. If he allows, or when his guard is down, show him you are turned on by his body. Touch him without any reservation. Let his body capture you & show it. I'm sure you do show him, but check to make sure.

This also, expands to how you talk about him with others. People talk, & your words will come back to him. Whether, he is there, or not, build him up to others. Compliment him. Don't be fake, but let yourself wonder & be appreciative of him. Contemplate the positive. Warm up to his accomplishments to where you are genuinely appreciative.

Next, be patient & stay the course. You are probably doing all you can, but his old habits die hard. He has an issue, you don't. Writing here, is good. Do your homework on the issue. Get info. But also, don't get too down about things. It will take time & honestly you can only influence. You can't make him change. Research things, but mostly, treat him like you would want to be treated, if this were you. Be gentle. One big thing is showing up & being there. His body image issue may be seated in fear that you might leave him, or that you might treat him as someone in his past did. Prove him wrong. Play to those points, not just to prove the point, but as a life style. The more he sees you in it to win it, the more he will warm up to you. Security & safety is huge.

Next, share. Share articles, books, videos, whatever might help. If he allows, or leave it laying around where he will see it. But, more see if you both can share your heart. Be willing to hear his fears, even without trying to fix it. Also, try & share your heart. Any insecurities you have over how he may see you through the issue, stuff like that. Then share the positives, too. Share the amazing of you two together.

I hope this helps. & I know I'm speaking without knowing all your details. The biggest thing is pray, pray, pray & seek God's will for your self, him, & your marriage. Your heart is in the right place, keep going. You'll get there.

Love

We don't live together yet because of our jobs. We're both in the military and stationed 3 hours apart. Due to conflicting schedules and money constraints, we see each other every other weekend if possible, but not usually more than that. Other than that, our sex life is great. I'm working on convincing to be a bit more experimental sometimes, but we're both happy.

I've tried to strip before, and I couldn't get it down good enough to feel comfortable doing it for him. I also have tried to dance, and I'm not really coordinated enough. I'm working on both, but they're still a work in progress.

He is convinced that masturbating is wrong even if it's in front of him. I think he'll eventually change his mind, but until then, I promised him I would go with it.

I think the area he is most sensitive about is his looks. He didn't like our engagement pictures because he said he was ugly. He doesn't like anyone taking pictures of him, or anyone posting them on social media. I have several friends who are camera shy, but this is a whole new lever.

I know he had a bad relationship in the past, and that might be part of it. He's told me about most of it, and I told him he could tell me everything else whenever he is ready.

I am trying to get him to see himself the way I see him, but he just thinks that I'm only saying it to make him feel better. He doesn't believe that anyone could actually think that about him, so he doesn't accept it. I love him and want to help him, but I also don't want to make it seem like he is my fix-up project.

I agree with all of the above.

Mrs. Rose, one thing you can do now is, leave your life in God's hands. You may be tempted to correct, but that may make your husband hold on to the issue with gusto. Be the woman he can be married to. If you are fighting, arguing, or even mildly irritated at each other stop. Don't be the reason he defends himself. I'm not saying you are. But, if you are, then dropping it will help him listen to you better. He won't listen, if he is defensive against you. So, be the wife he is safe around. He will drop his guard & soften as life goes on. Don't sin, but just go with it appropriately to show he has a wife in you. You want to change his heart from a demanding (!) to a question mark of evaluating his own life. This can be hard, but just going with it as far as it not being a sin will help him receive any counsel.

Interesting thoughts expressed above. I think I'm a bit similar to Mrs. Rose's husband. My wife sometimes says similar nice things, and sure — I like hearing them… but I likewise have difficulty believing them. Some of it is perhaps a communication difficulty, but I think some of it is also the rational/logical side coming out. Here's how my own thought process goes:

Hey — I know what the scales say when I weigh myself. To call a barge 'hot' or 'sexy' just seems ludicrous. And sorry — it's "short" in spite of what you say. To suggest otherwise ignores basic facts and feels more like a ‘lie’ stated just to try to make me feel good. I already feel good… and I'm happy with how God made me… but continued references to its supposed length/girth that don't match the facts just doesn't seem right, insults my intelligence (as if you're trying to manipulate me somehow) and it makes me think about something I'm otherwise content with. Kind of silly I guess, but I just have a hard time ignoring basic facts.

Ugliness on the other hand? Well, that seems to push to another extreme. Haven't exactly gone there. I'm basically happy with how God made me look, and don't think about it that much, at least in terms of 'looks.'

However, I do wrestle with feeling 'ugly' in other ways that are important to the soul of a man (as a provider, father, husband, friend, etc.). I'm not going to deny that some of those feelings are my own insecurity. But it's not all that — many times those feelings are dictated by things outside of the bedroom. Let me just say this: If I don't have confidence that my wife believes me to be a good provider/father/husband, etc., then it's very difficult to believe it if she says I'm hot/sexy/handsome, etc. Those things are joined at the hip, probably no different than they would be to a woman. Sure, you can ‘cut me down’ in public in front of our friends… and we’ll talk about it and I'll forgive you (especially since most of the time you apparently didn’t realize that’s what you were doing)… but it does make 'hot/sexy' words coming from the same mouth more challenging to believe.

Just my two cents from my own circumstance. I don't know if this is what your husband is going through or not (nor is this intended to be an accusation), but I can somewhat identify with him. Best wishes in working things through.

As an aside, this was one part of marriage I never would have imagined made a difference… that as a man I could be so impacted by the very words/thoughts/etc. of my wife. The impact and power she has is huge, at least to this man, and has ramifications far outside of the bedroom.