Question on frequency and masturbation
Hello, I am new to this. Actually only know of this site from my husband. He created the account. We have been married for 36 years.
I love my husband, and I do enjoy sex… From when we were first married he has always been gentle and understanding (prior to getting married I was not only a virgin, but I had never even thought about sex… It just never interested me). And from our wedding night on we learned the kind of direct stimulation I need to orgasm. And I DO orgasm. I am NOT frigid, but the idea of having sex is just never on my mind. Even when we were young once or twice a month seemed more than enough for me, and I was available to him more than that. By our mid-30s, I didn’t notice if we went multiple months without sex.
Do not get me wrong, I am available for my husband if he needs it more frequently, but he says just having me isn’t satisfying, that he wants me horny, and even adventurous (but since I know what positions bring us to orgasm I don’t see why we should we change).
Well, I know he masturbates, A LOT (most days, sometimes twice a day). We are in our sixties now and I am trying to be better and have sex about every six weeks. Though right now it has been more than a couple of months. So how often should we have it? I have always heard both should want it, so if one partner isn’t into it… I mean, am I supposed to fake interest… Isn’t that being phony? I don’t want him frustrated… But should he be masturbating so much?
How do I act adventurous?
Most of the stories on this site, especially oral or his semen going anywhere but in my vagina seem gross to me… I don’t know that I can change that? Were any of you like that and changed? If so, how?
It's so cool that you're asking for help on here. That's a great step! I'd say ask him what he wants and just do that with him. Be generous. I wouldn't worry too much about 'faking it' – sometimes the feelings come after me begin to act differently. I would also keep reading stuff on here and discussing it with him.
I cannot wait to hear the answers to this one. It should be educational to most of us.
Hello, dear! Welcome 🙂 First of all, no don't EVER fake it, it's not a good idea, and it won't make things any better for you or your husband.
Now, regarding his masturbation, I probably wouldn't worry too much, because at least he's not with someone else. Now I can see your husband's point of view – it's normal for him to want you actually participating, and adventurous. What I like to do, it put on a sexy show with lingerie and do a dance for him, sometimes we like role-play and that kind of stuff. One time he even did a photoshoot with me! 😀 These are just some ideas, food for thought.
If you enjoy sex like you say you do, why don't you do it more? Just curious. As for how often you should do it, it's different for every couple. I'm glad your trying to abide by those lines in Corinthians that talk about marital sex. Be a visual magnet for your hubby, and you might just enjoy it. That's my experience of things. God bless, hun.
And definitely pray together about this… and ask the Spirit to guide you each step as you try new things and open up to each other in new ways.
Twill say scrubbing the rain coat is a substitute for he real thing. Maybe you would like to ponder that topic for a while. Then you might have the answer your question.
My opinion on the best frequency for sex changed several years ago when I read an article on the connections between sex and health. The article that sparked my attention was this: http://www.lemonde.fr/vous/article/2011/09/02/faire-souvent-l-amour-permet-aussi-de-rallonger-son-esperance-de-vie_1566858_3238.html
If you cannot read French, in summary it says that having sex 12 or more times per month with the same partner causes people to live 10 years longer. Though it is not in this article, the health benefits of frequent sex, at least for men, continue to increase until a couple is having sex more than 20 times per month, though a woman's health benefits from sex may peak before 20 times per month.
Have you ever had your hormone levels checked? It sounds like you may have been suffering from a low testosterone level as a female. Your body should have a certain amount, and that would keep your natural sex drive healthy. If you can go months without it, something is not right, and most likely stems from a hormone issue.
As far as the rest, honestly, I believe it is just a willful choice we have to make. Your husband has needs, and you sound like you do a good job meeting that, but he also has desires. Scripture talks about how a desire, a longing, fulfilled is a tree of life. Doing more than just being there for your husband is what he desires, and I applaud you for at least taking the first steps at that.
I suggest the two of you sit down. Ask him to describe his fantasies about you. Do not be judgmental, do not think he is gross, and do not react to anything he says. Just listen. Write them down if you have to. The Bible is quite free in what we can do as husband and wife in the marriage bed, so find out what freedoms he wants in there. From there, you can pray and concentrate on what you would feel comfortable exploring. Baby steps here though, and he needs to understand that as well. This is not necessarily a light switch moment but a progression. He needs to know that you are working to expand your comfort zone and that takes time and positive encouragement (his main objective will to not be pushy through all of this).
More than anything, pray. I know it may sound odd to pray about sex, but God intended it to be a gift you give your husband. Pray that God would strengthen you to have courage in this area and a freedom you have never experienced. Pray that He will help you release in inhibitions you have, and pray that He would soften your husband's heart to see the effort and courage you are putting into this.
Does he know that you know that he masturbates? If not, talk with him about it. We, too, are well over 60 and our frequency of sex is about once per week. My wife, as you, is orgasmic but does not need sex as much as I do. At least once, sometimes twice, per week she demurely (she clearly enjoys it) invites me to masturbate in her presence and she often joins in to help me. She also (once a month or so) masturbates when I'm not available and she is quite horny. She does so to take advantage of being in the mood when I'm not available. If you are comfortable to do so, you may find that solo masturbation will be pleasureable and put you more in the mood for sex together. This is true for many women – masturbation increases their libido. Then if you are adventuresome, suggest mutual masturbation with your hubby. My hunch is that he will love it.
Harper hit it on the nose! If you truly like sex . . . have it!! And have it as often as possible. I think the best quote that I've heard about the frequency of sex came from (no, not a biblical figure), but Kelly Ripa, who once said this about sex: "I fundamentally believe that the more you do it, the more you do it, the less you do it, the less you do it." While I certainly acknowledge that she's not necessarily a person that I want to rely upon as an authority on the subject, her comment is dead accurate. It's certainly worth making the effort!!
Tell your husband you just learned that you need sexual intercourse at least three times per week for healthier aging, and you want him to do his job. Then stand up and start taking your clothes off.
My wife and I have been married almost 40 years, and the frequency of our sex has been steadily increasing, now three or four times per week, when one of us is not traveling alone. Sometimes it is tranquil, sometimes wild. I think the frequency will continue to increase, and for my health it should. Some couples married for more than 50 years are having extremely frequent sex, almost daily, far more than when they were young.
Dr. K.
Hey 🙂 Welcome to MH! I'm not married yet but I'd still love to share from how my mind changed towards not being grossed out by the thought of oral sex or receiving my future hubby's semen on my body or such…
Until I was 17 or 18 years old, I have not thought about sex – just like with you, it has just simply not crossed my mind. Then came the night when my own arousal hit me consciously for the first time – I was home alone, flipped through channels on TV and happened to pass over a movie scene that wasn't explicit but nonetheless clearly sexual in meaning (there was no nudity to be seen)… the sexual meaning was enough to set off in me a spark in my womanhood that I couldn't help but attend to… I rubbed myself, fully clothed, against the mattress that night – I had no better knowledge about it all back then (no clue about my own womanhood (clitoris and such)), so to go through the motions was all I knew to do in the moment. Since I got taught basically none or if any then only negative messages about sex, the awakening of my own desire put me through a season where I was fighting great battles within myself against myself. I know that's not the case with you but I still share it because it serves to show where the mind change comes into play and that it is possible to change your mind from a negative perspective on something about sex to a thriving vision about it that you can take delight in and enjoy fully and thoroughly. The view I had on sex, the vision about sex that I started out with on my journey, was that I at best didn't want anything to do with it, thinking it was dirty and something only naughty people would do, and if married one day, all there would exist for me would be plain normal missionary sex – on the wedding night and for procreation. That's what I was convinced sex was and was for. And for many many years I held that distorted perspective about it and thought it to be true. I was badly deceived and just wrong. Then came the day when God led me into a position where I couldn't escape and run from the topic anymore, and so He made me face the big topic of sex, and to this day I cannot thank Him enough for this! With Him (relying on Him, leaning on Him, harkening to Him), I began to renew my mind about all things sex. The first step I had to take was to be willing to leave aside any preconceived attitude about it and open myself up to letting Him give me a new perspective, a new vision for it (no matter how foreign it would still feel to me in the beginning). For example, when I discovered Marriage Heat and read about the oral stories, I thought to myself I can't see myself do that, that just seemed gross to me and like not something I could do – now, I am heartily anticipating the day when I'd be able to begin discovering my future husband's penis in all kinds of ways (touches, licks, kisses,…) – I would have never been able to make such a change if I wouldn't have set my mind on the possibility that how I see it (as being gross) may be wrong and how I feel about it being gross may just be a subconsciously learned distorted perspective. After being open to let my mindset be transformed, the second step for me was to study sex and everything about it according to God's heart and truth about it. So, I took time every day to read through various Christian articles and books that I felt led to work through, and through them over the course of a month God taught me about His design for sex, about how He thoughtfully and lovingly designed men and women to be different yet gloriously made for each other, about how sex is a gift of His to husband and wife, about how our sexual desires and drives are a gift of Him and an intricate part of our design, not something to be grossed out about but something to cherish as His gift and a matchless blessing of His, something to delight in and enjoy… bit by bit He transformed, rewired and renewed my mind about all things sex. The third step I had to take was to walk out the journey with my newly transformed mind – what I mean by that, as my prior example with the oral sex shows, is that I didn't instantly feel at home with every sexual thought, every sexual act that could be partaken with my future beloved, I had (and have) to keep stepping out and keep being open and walk out my renewed mind and step by step take hold of the freedom that God had in store for me about all things sex in marriage. I have come to know someone special this year, someone who means a lot to me, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him and envision the glories of all that we could share in when married – I am excitedly looking forward to discovering oral pleasures with my beloved and sex in all kinds of ways and settings… I am excitedly looking forward to having sex frequently with him (frequently being for me multiple times a week – probably (at least) daily in the early years of marriage, so I'd imagine it to be)… I envision it this way not only to cater to my future husband's sexual needs but because I have discovered that I need sex too… God made me to need physical intimacy too… I am my beloved's and my beloved will be mine… we will need each other, delight in each other, bloom in each other, thrive in each other,… we will belong in each other. There are areas where I still have to build up confidence and overcome some shyness and such – like the thought of masturbating in front of my husband – but there again I go at it the same way… sometimes when I pleasure myself now I imagine my future husband watching me, so I can develop a vision for it, and with catching the vision comes the progress into a new freedom. I know how much my future beloved will love to watch me pleasure myself and I wanna gift him with that pleasure someday and let our bond of love thrive even further through sharing our love for each other in such a special, intimate way – I know I would love to watch him too, so this desire is mutual for the both of us. 🙂
The best I can encourage you to do is to spend time in the topic of sex (including oral sex, etc…), keep an open and receptive heart and mind as you immerse yourself in it, refresh yourself in the glorious vision God has about sex in all its manifold ways and its beauty in marriage (for example, Song of Solomon), and then just be bold to try something new every once in a while… no pressure, just having fun with your husband, enjoying the intimacy of the moment, of being with him, of being together… if you find out something doesn't work for you, no big deal, just move on, and if you find a sexual gem you didn't know about yet, then hooray! You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain, as you step out hand in hand with your husband and just try something you've never tried before in your marriage bed. God bless you! 🙂
You sound a lot like us. This mirrors my situation very closely. I…. the man want a lot more. I masterbate daily …sometimes twice. It keeps me from resentment and a lot of frustration. I just want something coming my way as your husband does.
They say desire follows attention. So to just decide to do it (as long as all are healthy and whole…no abuse etc) is ok ….it's not faking..it's seeking to please one's spouse. It sounds like he will give you pleasure back so everyone wins.
As for oral etc. I like it "messy and juicy" but my suggestion is explain that you would like to expand your "horizons" but you want to go slow. He will probably be thrilled and understand and work with you on it. If you know he masterbates and you communicate about it let him know you want to help with your hands or just watch sometimes. You'll get used to it and he will love it. It is very intimate for him even more than intercourse in my opinion. Sex is good for us on so many levels its crazy.
I love to masturbate with my wife. She uses a vibrator and since I am uncircumcised I just use my hand.
We currently schedule sex and it is working fine. However, I'm a morning person and she is a night person, so we have to make adjustments.
She is 60 and I am 59. When she is distracted, not in the mood, tired, etc. I usually masturbate and shoot my cum in a tissue or in her mouth. She loves it. Some factors that may be worth considering for the man are work load, triggers, and the last time you had sex. (Or orgasmed)
However, I'm finding as I age, my semen production is getting less and less as I masturbate. (When younger, I would masturbate at least daily.) So, I save it for her now.
We started by reading blogs on marriage and sex. There are plenty out there. Try some. And, the current trend is every 48 hours, when the "afterglow" wears off and you/he needs to do it again. (Masturbation or PIV or Oral)
We've been married almost 38 years and were both virgins when we tied the knot.
Pray, read, seek God's direction in your marriage bed and follow His leadership.
Don't quit!!! Seek and you shall find.
I really like the fact that this topic has been brought to light. My wife and I haven't had PIV sex in over a month. My drive is much higher than hers. I too have heard the words,"It's just gross" or "I don't like wet OR sloppy". I know that when we have sex she enjoys it.
I feel like part of the problem could be low self image. She doesn't see herself as the beautiful lady that she is, therefore she very rarely puts on any type of lingerie. I love my wife very much. I love my wife's body. I thoroughly enjoy sex with my wife.
I don't know all of your situations but I also noticed with us; life, TV, and social media tend to occupy us and damper the mood.
Thank you all for responding to this thread as it is helping multiple couples.
hi there. i also think that if a wife does not meet the sexual need of the husband and visa versa it opens up the door foe eyes to start to wonder and who knows what that might leed to. my wife has lost all interest in sex. after 2 or 3 weeks without anything you become so sexually frustrated that every thought becomes sexual…
I would encourage you to be more open minded to sex. God created all of that. Secondly I think I would be trying to make up for lost time. To be honest your story is my worst fear with my current marriage. 30 years will go by and we will be looking back wishing we had done something different.
I think that frequency is never the issue to us men. It's always about attitude.
A wife who has any level of enthusiasm in the bedroom infinity preferred to a wife who "does" sex every day out of misguided "wifely duty".
If I were your Couples' Councilor the first question I would ask if a husband wants his wife to be more adventurous in the bedroom is "Sir are you romantically adventurous outside the bedroom?"
In essence this problem may be symptomatic of a far larger issue within your marriage?
Does he tease you? Does he romance you? Does he tell/show you his love? If not then don't expect yourself to be getting a natural outpouring adventurousness anytime soon.
Btw I think your concern for your husband is awesome. Pray, talk, reconnect heal? Whatever you need to do, you go do it girl!
Ps. Read expositions on the Song of Solomon. That is what God wants for your marriage. It's actually shockingly explicit once you understand the sexual innuendos they are making to each other.
If sex were meant to be few & far between God would've never said to be fruitful & multiply. He would've never said our bodies are not our own, when it comes to sex. Yet, we all get that it is easier said than done. Obviously, Still Learning, you are not alone & we all are understanding & sympathetic to your concern.
What I found, from my experience, (a husband but the advice is universal), is that we have to adjust to God's will. My way, was just that. My way. I wasn't any different than any other guy I knew. But, there were indicators that showed our marriage wasn't what God knew it could be. So, I stopped doing it my way (over simplification). I was the high drive husband. We had droughts of weeks/months without sex. I started reading God's will on sex & praying about it. I contemplated a lot. On my side, I quit pushing for sex & started loving my wife. Not perfect, but I gave up myself for her. Not the easiest thing to do, but that became my context. My life. Me in our marriage.
This goes both ways for the low or high drive spouse. We have to want what God wants & fight our flesh that wants the opposite. The high drive should let off the throttle & focus on non sex love: support, security, admiration, etc. The low drive should give sex some gas & speed up. Allow your self to be a kid in a candy store. You say you have orgasms. Allow your enjoyment of them to grow. It's ok to bask in orgasm & desire more. Let other things go & prioritize sex, but in a context of fun. Let go of strict demands that limit or suffocate the fun. With Gods boundaries there is tons of fun to be had. Sperm on your body can be cleaned off with a towel, but a lot of women have fun with the slick stuff. But sperm in your vagina is fine, too. Cut through any confusion. Take advice, but stay grounded on God's foundation. He doesn't give a lot of detail. So, there's room to grow your own marriage sex. Any way you both deal with it is ok, as long as you are laughing, smiling, & enjoying yourself. The answer isn't what I say, it's what God says. & He says to have sex for more than one reason. So, please, broaden your heart to accept God's Word. Know He loves you most & wants what is best for you. Ask Him to help you adjust. Be patient & set small doable goals as changes. You are allowed to enjoy it. Go off the rails & let yourself have fun. God will hold you. His hands are strong enough. His boundaries are freedom.
On you husbands masturbation, there is plenty here on MH to give you an understanding on it. I would say to talk about it in the freedom of God's Word. If both of you adjust to Gods Pro sex stance, I imagine your husbands masturbation will lessen, &/or be acquired into your marriage sex.
Well "Still Learning," my late wife had similar aversions to semen, it being a bodily fluid. She never like me coming in her mouth, and it took a few years for her to actually enjoy watching my cum bursting out of my penis. The thing is, don't do anything you don't want to, but open your mind to the idea that even saliva is a bodily fluid.
My wife loved mutual masturbation, and later with her diseases, masturbatin and oral sex on me was all we could do. (FYI, she had three skin diseases, one of which was like a never ending case of severe genital herpes.)
She loved watching me come, whether it was the look on my face when I came during intercourse, or oral. But after years of keeping our solo masturbation a secret from one another, we discovered that it was incredibly sexy, and later both sexy and necessary. That's when she realized how much she liked me comin on her.
I should add that while coming by oral sex, we either used plain comdoms, or she finished me by jacking me off.
My point is, that semen isn't harmful at all, well with the exception of STD's. It has proteins, fructose, vitamin C, nitrogen, and many other healthy chemicals. So it's kinda like taking supplements. So try to think more about his pleasure and how sexy that is, as well as the adventurous aspect. Keep kleenexes in your car, purse, night stand, and enjoy the heath benefits of semen.
Sounds like you should be praying together more and seek counseling too. Nothing wrong with that. On a practical note consider asking him to masturbate in front of you. You dont have to do anything think of his pleasure. lie there naked for his visual pleasure. Let him cum on your breasts or tummy. touch his semen with your finger tips. over time as you build confidence when he orgasms on you rub his cum into your nipples start to enjoy it. Semen is not dirty make it part of sex. maybe dab a bit on your lips tongue. build up slowly. Ask him to do you from behind and pull out and cum on your butt, by doing doing variations eventually you will open up a whole new world
You aren't faking interest: You are interested in attaching & engaging with your husband.
You do see the reason to change positions: to engage your husband.
You are right: it is gross. Sticky, slimy and gross. So what? Feeding my 7 month old is gross: She gets pureed food everywhere. But she loves and it is good for her.
You do what you need to do. You enjoy bringing your husband joy.
Don't expect that he will want to inseminate you 2-3 times daily – masturbation is not the same as vaginal intercourse.
If you have sex with him in the morning, it should reduce his urge to masturbate. But, at this point, if I were him, I would jack off just because it is safer than trying to initiate with you. If my wife ignored my needs for multiple months, i do not know if she would ever get a confident husband in her bedroom.
One more thing: most men feel the need to have sex every THREE DAYS.