Advice Please
Hello to you all! I’m new to this website, but thought maybe you all could give me some input.
When I was growing up, I was sexually abused (ages 12-14) by a family member of mine and now I find sexual contact really difficult.
My husband and I have made love before but I found myself getting a lot of flashbacks during it and nightmares the nights after. My husband does know about the abuse and understands that it is difficult for me, but I feel bad telling him no or stopping in the middle cause I just can’t do it. My question for you all is do you have any advice about how to get over this?? Thanks.
My sweet dear you absolutely can! My husband and I are both living proof of this. I was molested at age 10 by my friend's parents, and my husband was molested at 12 by a family member. We both went through therapy (shortly after, this was way before we met) and we got through this, and so you should get help to, because let me tell you it works. Also, pray to God, trust Jesus He always has our best interests at heart and He will heal you. That's so vital to understand and it's the number 1 thing that got us through the turmoil. And we – from our wedding night in 1984 to this day we've been having GREAT sex!
Furthermore, if this person wasn't brought to justice, I strongly urge you to press charges and prosecute, so they don't do this to anyone else. May God bless you, my darling. God will never leave thee nor forsake thee! Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5
No advice really but I feel your pain and hesitation. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you find the peace you need to enjoy your husband. It is good that your husband understands where you are at this point in your life and is very supportive of you. Focus on that. I hope you get the answers/solutions you are looking for.
Being a survivor myself, I can absolutely let you know this is normal. If you have not seen a therapist regarding your abuse, I would advise it. But mostly I’m just going to let you know that it takes time, patience, and GOD. His love can bring you and your husband through this. Is there certain things sexually that bring about flashbacks or sex in general? If it’s certain things, have you told your husband what they are?
Thank you for posting this. It can be difficult for those of us who are survivors or spouses of survivors here sometimes so it's great when people post here and we can say "OH! Me too!!". I belong to the latter category; a spouse of a survivor. And in our experience all the advice I can give you is 1) Tell Him. He is your partner and he needs to know. Imagine the reverse. Would you want him to not share something like this that gives him nightmares or flashbacks or causes anxiety attacks? We are called to bear one another's burdens and in marriage even more so. What affects one deeply affects the other. You go through this like you do the rest of your life. Together. It can be really difficult to come out with something like this. I went through a long period of not understanding, trying to figure it out, feeling guilty, feeling rage at the person who did this to my Beloved. But part of the reason survivors of abuse have nightmares and flashbacks and difficulty with sexual contact is exactly because they are suppressing by still keeping the secret year after year. Once my wife came out with it the control the abuse had over her started to wane. Also, if you reject sexual contact, have to stop it, or push him away…if he doesn't know most guys automatically think you are rejecting them…not that you are dealing with something on a fundamental level, a tragedy, a loss of innocence, a violation that someone else did. 2) You may not "get over it". My wife and I have been married 17 years and fortunately I didn't spend a single day married to her without knowing. It has been a process. It ebbs and flows. It goes away for a time and comes back. But you know what? We face it together rather than alone. We say "for better or worse" in our vows and thank God we do because this qualifies as a "worse". Our society doesn't understand even still how sex can be a loaded gun psychologically. Survivors deal with the horror again and again. Sometimes my wife and I have a sex life worthy of the pages of Marriage Heat. Sometimes for months we can't do anything but maybe masturbate together. Any healing she has done, any "getting over it" has been by the grace of God, by being honest about it, and us holding on to each other while she goes through it. And most importantly, 3) Find a good, Christian, abuse survivor specific counselor to talk to. I wish we could jump through this obstacle course alone, but the fact is that on both sides (hers and mine) there is so much emotion, so much guilt, so much fear, so much anxiety that any couple with a survivor in it needs someone to guide them through.
I really do hope and pray that you can actually "get over it" someday. Maintaining a secret from your husband isn't going to do it though. You can't just will away genuine trauma. If you could millions of abused women would already have done it. What you can do is get support. It's a long road, but it's worth it.
Pax,
Rab
Oh, my bad. Crikey. I thought you said your husband doesn't know. Wish I could edit comments. Good that he does know, though. 🙂 Glad for that.
Joy- forever, I don't believe you should take any advice from someone unless they are a professional in dealing with such subjects. I am so sorry you had to experience that awful time when you were younger. Please seek professional help and have your husband join you – so you can both work through this together.
Stay strong and God Bless you and your husband.
I too was sexually abused when I was young. Sexual touches have caused issues for many years….but God. He has brought healing through years of my husband showing love and patience. It has been a hard road to recovery. My husband had to commit to coming alongside me right where I was. I was a mess….an absolute hot mess!
Communication is key!
1. Share with your husband where you are at. How touch results in flashbacks and pain.
2. Understand that it will be difficult for your husband. You are one now, so it hurts his heart too.
3. Like all men, in all situations, he will want to fix it!
4. You have to understand, the healing takes time and patience. Learning to connect outside of sex, will cause you to desire the connection though.
5. Take time to talk, and kiss with no expectation beyond there. You will find desire rising.
6. If receiving pleasure is your issue, like me, you will find giving pleasure to be a strong turn on. There are many ways of giving pleasure besides the act of intercourse.
Give those things a try and see how it goes.
7. Remember God desires your marriage bed to be healed and to be a place of healing for you. He will restore what the locusts have eaten. Allow your husband to patiently walk this with you and you will be amazed how the healing will flow.
I am here with you and for you. May God pour His richest blessings and healing over your marriage and sex life. ?
MH is a place where we often come to, TO RECEIVE, but how great is it that we can also come here TO GIVE, and in this day I would like to give, by praying for people that recently made comments (Moviefan2K4 and Joy-forever), please know that you are both in my prayers, stay faithful, keep giving God 1st place in your lives, He will take you places you've never even dreamed of, God bless you both !!!
@WeldersWife- there are certain things sexually that make it harder and I have told my husband a lot of them and he understands them.
Thank you all for your prayers!! They are really appreciated
So sorry for your pain.
I would check out Shannon Ethridge's Women at the Well experience. I know some women who have gotten lots of healing there.
http://www.shannonethridge.com/wowintensive/
Every comment above is great and good and helpful BUT….I truly believe that healing MUST start with FORGIVENESS. I know it feels impossible, but God does not expect the impossible from us and therefore He has given us the ability to forgive.