Advice for Dealing with Dissatisfaction
I want to start off by saying I love reading comments on here. The responses given to questions that are asked, and the responses to stories. In some ways I have to say the responses are better then the stories, not to say the stories aren’t good as well.
So I want to put my problem out here in hopes of getting some helpful advice, and prayers.
I want to explain a few things about my situation and then delve into the problem.
My wife and I have been married for over three years, we have a child and are expecting a second. We balance each other out to the point of frustration.
When I look at other articles for advice, I generally find the majority of it is geared towards the idea that the man thinks about sex, only sex, and always sex, and thus the information is geared towards what to do to pleasure the woman. And then the rest is written with the idea that the woman is always longing and it is all the guys fault for not being available, or not being a man because they don’t think about sex, only sex, and always sex.
I fit in neither category. Often times my wife wants sex much more then me, and sometimes I want sex more then her, and some rare occasions we both want it at the same time. And we both give it. (The last month, with pregnancy, she hasn’t been wanting it at all [hormones] and I’ve really been wanting it [censored thoughts])
My problem is that, sometimes it feels like, especially the more I want it, I start to wonder whether it is worth all the effort being out into it, when I rarely, if ever, receive anything that feels worthwhile afterwards. An orgasm, even on the rare occasion when I would rate it as a higher quality orgasm, never gives me the euphoric feeling of an oxytocin high. There has to be something there I know, or else I wouldn’t be wanting it ever to begin with; but why do I not seem to actually noticeably feel a ‘reward’.
Unfortunately this also has added an unhealthy side to our sex life. Two years ago I started telling her about how I don’t get much bang for my buck, so I told her I wanted to start concentrating on her and avoid myself. Which seemed like a great idea to me. I learned so much information about things to do, and so many ways about how to bring her better pleasure, and always trying to please her… but I ended up creating a set precedent that further cuts me out of being on a receiving end.
So I guess I am looking for two bits of advice. 1) Ideas on what keeps me from fully experiencing the joy of God’s gift of sexuality with my wife, 2) How to get out of the sex rut I accidentally created in my marriage.
Okay my man i'm gonna do my best. Warning that my advice may be futile as i'm a single sad man (just kidding i ain't sad but i'm in single.) Right so…i'm gonna say this, you and your wife have a child and are expecting another one so its of paramount importance you cater to them buts that's obvious right? With you and the little sex issue you have, don't fall into the idea that all men are all about sex and nothing else. That dehumanises us and makes us something that we're not. If we were all about sex, then the world would be more sinful than it is because there's bad men out there. But its a good thing you and your wife have a good sex drive and urge, especially if your both feeling it together. If you're wife's currently pregnant and not looking for sex, then you should respect that and leave her to cater to the baby inside her (that sounds like the most alien thing ever). At the same time, i've seen stories on here where pregnant wives are very horny for some love time with their man, but apparently that's not your wife and that's okay. On the other side you want it, but you can see that she dosen't. Now that's a issue for you because you want something but you can't get it. As humans we have a psychological need to either want something or do something, which then brings on this need to earn or complete it. Fortunately or unfortunately, you want something but you aren't getting it but its at the benefit of your wife that she dosen't have sex at the duration of her pregnancy that you have to respect and therefore putting away any feelings or urges for action you may have.
God has gifted us with sex and intimacy between husband and wife in marriage to become one flesh and be nude together without being ashamed (trying to reference the bible here, ha ha). So with that, we want to experience that because we to make ourselves and our partner feel good to serve god and ourselves in marriage through sex and intimacy. It's great you understand that but at times we can't always have that. It seems now is one of those times. Another thing i want to point out is to not get any potential thoughts that are not permitted or deemed sinful during this time because the man in the clouds would not like that, neither would you or her.
So in conclusion, i think for the time being patience is key and then when your wife is available for sex then its okay but for now that has to be shelved. You will get right back to cherishing gods gifts sooner than you think, but patience, understanding and catering to your wife's needs is what you need to do. I hope that helps. I think i sounded smarter than i actually am because to be honest i'm not that smart at all to be honest but just trying to help a brother out. If none of it helps, then….i think i need serious help. Hehehe.
Take care brother.
God bless,
Dean.
Do you do porn? Are you comparing yourself to even these stories. These things can set the bar so high we feel our experience doesn't match up so we feel we are missing out.
Also is everything ok medically?
So, a couple of comments:
1. You might be expecting too much out of sex – or specifically, too much out of orgasm. The times my wife and I have really great sex, the orgasm is actually sort of anti-climactic (excuse the pun). The most fun is the play, the eroticism of certain acts we do, enjoying seeing her pleasure, etc.
This is one concern I've had about MarriageHeat for awhile – I wonder if it sets unrealistic expectations for people. Sometimes the stories and comments I read on here make me shake my head and think, "I can't even IMAGINE if that was the norm in my marriage." I struggle sometimes with whether I am disobeying God's commandment about coveting my "neighbor's" wife.
Especially the stories where people write about their imagined future wedding night, and their first sexual encounter includes doing 69, expert fellatio, female ejaculation, anal play, and 15 orgasms. Like that is NOT how 99.999999% of wedding night sex is going to be – and what happens when that person gets married and the first awkward, fumbling encounter doesn't live up to this elaborate fantasy they imagined?
Anyway, on to my second point.
2. If you're not happy with the attention you are now getting in bed, it's on YOU to change that. You have to communicate what you want and need. This is probably a conversation to have OUTSIDE the bedroom, but you need to be direct in how you want to change things. And if she doesn't directly say "No, I'm not doing that" then it's on you to follow up and initiate pursuing your own pleasure during your lovemaking.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years now and have a healthy sex life. On average we have sex twice a week. With that said there have lots of ups and downs in the bed room. Before kids I was in the military and deployed for 7 months. When I came home I could not perform in the bedroom for a couple of weeks. After our first kid was born it took 6 months for us to get back in synch sexually. Last year I started to experience some performance anxiety because the stresses of life were getting me down. On the other side my wife has had her own up and down seasons. All that to say don't get too focused on this particular season of your sex life. Your wife is a young mom who is pregnant. Love on her and take care of her as best as you can. My guess is she wants to be your lover but her body and hormones are hard at work producing a fearfully and wonderfully made baby. At the same time as a long term strategy don't surpress your sexuality and just focus on her pleasure, that will be counter productive. In the short term pursue intimacy and romance and have sex when possible, but don't get overly concerned about this particular season.
Practically here are some recommendations. 1) Have some personal prayer time where you really share your heart with the Lord. Be sure to be still and quiet for some of that time so the Holy Spirit can prompt your spirit. 2) Sometime in the next 12-18 months you guys may want to think about seeking some Christian counseling (a family life pastor, a counselor, a mini retreat, a mentor couple-just make sure they are pro married sex and encouraging). 3) There are also lots of good books, studies and podcasts that could be helpful to you both (Focus on the Family is a good starting point). These three things can help you all think bibically about your sex life and help guide your conversations as a couple.
My wife and I have found that the Lord uses our marriage and kids as part of His sanctification and refinement process for us. His purpose for our marriage is to demonstrate His glory to us and those around us and to bless my wife and I. Hope this is helpful.