Waiting…Sick of It

So, I’m dealing with a situation that continues to rear its ugly head every now and then. I’m a clean-cut 37-year-old, African American man. I work out to keep myself in shape, and I’d like to think that I’m a good-looking guy. As you can tell from my previous stories, I’m waiting for my wife, and I have a vivid imagination about what we would do in our intimate time.

My problem is the waiting. Again, I’m 37 (but, trust me…I DO NOT LOOK MY AGE…”Black Don’t Crack”). According to society, marriage should have happened for me, by now. Of course, I’m seeing people my age getting married (or having been married) and, in some cases, getting divorced and remarried in under a year—not even enough time to heal. I can’t judge them, but I do feel some type of way about it.

To make matters worse, I relocated from Dallas to Denver at the end of August 2017. I’ve been out here for a few months, and I’m finding it difficult to make friends. You don’t just walk up to someone and say, “Hey, be my friend.” I’m a freelance writer, so I work from home. I don’t have the security blanket of getting together with coworkers after work or developing friendships with them. I joined a church out here, and I’m trying to get more active there because I have something to offer the Kingdom, but also because I want to meet good people and develop wholesome relationships…and hopefully, meet someone that knows someone that knows her. And, yes, I DO go out. I can’t stay in the house all day.

I don’t like going to bars because my thought about bars is, “Where you fish determines what you catch.” I’m not a one-night-stand kind of guy, so bar-hopping and going to clubs is out of the question for me. If I might add, I’m a bit too old for clubs anyway. Don’t even get me started on Tinder and Plenty of Fish. I’m finding myself getting jealous of married people, and not that I think life is better when you’re married. I just think it’s great to have someone to talk to, someone that loves you, someone that you can connect with and—yes—even experience sexually while you grow together and challenge each other.

I heard once that marriage is one of God’s tools that He uses to form a person and cut away their flesh…and that those individuals who don’t really go for or seek marriage are those who need it the most, while those who want it the most are those who need it the least. I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but I do take some comfort from it because it reminds me that I’m a great guy all by myself. I’m also reminded of the fact that God, literally, gives us the desires of our heart. That is to say that He plants within us the desires that coincide with His plan for our lives. So, me wanting to get married and me hearing from upstanding, righteous men that I was born a husband and will be a great one (and excellent father) suggests that my desire to be married means He has placed that desire in me and that He has someone for me.

Guys, I’m so tired of waiting. I’m not going to go out there and be promiscuous. But, again, I’m so tired of waiting…especially when I see marriages crumbling and people who “seem” to have nothing to offer actually getting what I’ve been asking God for. Granted, I know not to put marriage on a pedestal or worship it, but I’ve got plenty to give—mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically (yep, I said it). Why would God give me any/all of this, if He didn’t plan on me putting it all to good use?

I’m seeing younger people in their 20s asking about how to keep themselves from falling into sexual sins before marriage, and I’m (not being judgmental) looking at them as if they haven’t a clue about what waiting really is. I know some will say, “Lord, please don’t let me be that age and not be married.” I can actually agree with that thought because, honestly, it sucks. I’m about God’s business, but it seems as if He’s not about mine…and it’s hurting.

Guys, I don’t know what to do. I’m all prayed out, here. I’m tired of being single. I’m tired of asking God for something and hearing, “Just focus on Me.” Marriage is not a reward for living right, but I’m tired of living right when I see people living horribly getting the one thing I’ve asked Him for. I’m tired of talking to and counseling men on their marriages—men who have CHEATED—and seeing God heal and restore their relationships and being the guy that can’t have what these other dudes have treated so casually!

Please give me some good advice. SOMEONE, please be Jesus with some skin on. I’d greatly appreciate it.

Respectfully,

HIT

(Husband In Training)

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26 replies
  1. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    HIT, I love your openness and honesty about what you are going through. I know it feels like God's plans don't focus on your needs, and in a basic sort of way you are right. He sees the bigger picture. You are about his business and obviously have strong self-control. Remember that Paul wrote that those who *can't * control themselves should marry. And, in this day and age, getting married is so much more involved than back then – the girl actually is expected to love you *before* the wedding! I believe that before you come to the point that you would stumble, God *will* provide your way out. Not the advice you were hoping for, I'm sure. He knows. I promise, he knows. Trust his timing.
    Just as an afterthought, I hope you aren't the kind of person who rejects a potential mate because of preconceived notions of what kind of girl God would choose for you? Preferences are one thing, but give others a chance, too. Sometimes the person she was is not the person she will be. (Personal experience speaking.)

  2. PassionateForChrist says:

    Dear HusbandInTraining, first of all, I too wanna thank you for your openness and your transparency of heart! We've shared a bit of time on the MH journey throughout the past, so you may know that I can heartily relate to what you experience in this season, the pressure and the whirlwind of emotions you feel in the position you find yourself in at the moment. Before anything else, I wanna commend you for your lovely character of heart – it shows through what you speak and through how you handle the uncomfortable place that your soul finds itself in for now. I'm almost 33 years old and have felt everything you have mentioned above yourself… this pool of emotions and how it all feels like it doesn't make sense and how you begin to wonder and how you slowly but surely feel like you're getting to the end of your rope… it's the pruning of our soul, I guess. I don't know if any one of us will be able to speak something that could relieve the pressure that comes from this position of pruning – I mean, I had come to a point in my own struggle with this where it felt to me like "It's great that people feel it in their heart to build me up and keep my hopes up, that these God-believing married people see in me potential and so-called "marriage material", and I'm sure grateful for the encouragement and the love they give me, but what does it really matter if nothing changes in the end" – it's a frustrating place to be in, no doubt about it, and I can heartily understand you. I can assure you, without a shadow of a doubt, God knows the struggle you're in – He doesn't just see it; all throughout it, He deeply cares about you, and I believe in the Word that says that His heart longs to be good to you, that His desire is for you, to provide everything you need, at the right time, for the right reason, and with His blessing upon it, so that it may prosper and succeed as would be His will. His plans are for good to give you a future and a hope. We will never know beforehand the pathway He has arranged for us – we get glimpses, we catch dreams that fan the flames within us, we conceive desires in our hearts that we can't shake off, we cling to faith and hope and above all to Him, who holds us together in all our complexity. As you may have seen on here, I have had my share of attempts at finding someone for relationship, trying to build up a connection that may grow steadily, in time, on both ends of the relationship, and I have failed at each attempt… not just because the guys were not ready to be open with who they are, doing their part of the getting-to-know, but certainly also because I have gone miserably wrong in my pursuit for that special kind of love – I have done some foolish things, as I had maneuvered my mind into thinking passionately all the time. Thank God, He is gracious and merciful and compassionate, and forgiving as we turn from what is wrong, and He always helps us so faithfully in His love for us. I felt it so strongly in my heart, the desire to find this somebody that I could pour out my heart's affection to, that I could love, in soul and being… this desire of my heart became what defined me – I woke up in the morning and it was there; I went to bed and it was there – there was not a day I didn't think of it, and at times it felt unbearable. I prayed for the love of my life and I've run out of prayer too. But God knows us – He knows of our frailties and He understands the struggle and He cares. I live with my mom and half a year ago we had to relocate to the countryside. With the relocation, God answered my prayer to have someone to pour out my heart's affection to, someone that I could bless with my heart's love and that would reciprocate it – He answered it, although just not the way I thought He would… instead of a man/husband, He provided me with 2 dogs and a cat. They are our new neighbor's pets and they are absolutely crazy about me – it is so adorable. I can shower them with my heart's affection and they are just thrilled and feel blessed. They are loving and kind and don't judge me for looks or whatever, they are authentic and don't play games – they are what my heart has longed for in quality and heart, and I know it is a great big blessing from God for me in this season and I thank Him for it. I know this is not the answer you are looking for but here is my point… I was at the point where I thought I would just about break down and crumble faced with this desire of my heart that just proved to not get fulfilled no matter how heartily I tried to do what was in my ability to do; I felt like I'd have a second-class kind of life if I wouldn't be able to find the key to the fulfillment of this desire that after all must have been God-given, as it didn't start out of my own mind or flesh – thoughts come and go like "What kind of woman would that make me be if I wouldn't find anyone in my life to marry?!"; I felt basically like a failure because I couldn't seem to get it right… the pressure that had built up within me through this pool of emotions didn't help my walk with God… I couldn't stand myself being in this whirlwind. I knew and still know that my worth and value is and always will be in God alone. Even if no man would ever see it, God does, and that is all that counts. I would have never thought that a cat and 2 dogs would solve the pressure problem that clenched my soul but out of every problem, He always has a way cut out for each of us that leads us back into peace of heart and mind. If I search my heart now, I am at peace with being a 32+ year old single, having no prospect of a relationship. If I search my heart right now, I can even say that, even if I'll never have a husband, it shall be well with my soul. I know that my life would still be a fulfilled one because of Him and the vessel that I get to be for Him in my everyday life. The love He puts in my heart to give will not be in vain, no matter what.

    Stay encouraged, HiT, God has not forgotten about you! He can and will surprise you out of the blue. He can and will bless you all the way through. Love and blessings,

    PfC

  3. CMLove says:

    Well said, PfC! It's so great to see your God-centered comments again! He is doing such a great work in you, sister, and molding you into the image of his Son — as He is doing with all of His chosen children. Praise Him, praise Him!

    Brother HiT, my heart goes out to you. I will be praying for you and for your future mate. God puts these desires for spouses into our hearts, and he promises to make all things beautiful in His own time! Please keep being a part of this community, we have so many single men and women here who gain refreshment and give much encouragement and advice! Hope to hear more from you, Brother.

  4. ebrewste says:

    Ok I just started sobbing and praying because this is literally my life right now. Like you must be telepathic because you describe EXACTLY how I feel.
    Signed,
    Almost 32 year old woman

  5. HusbandInTraining says:

    CrazyHappyLoved,
    Thanks for your response. It's really needed, right now. Things have gotten better since this was written. The Father sent some messages my way that have provided some comfort and MUCH wisdom.

    To answer your question about preconceived notions, I was once that way. Now, however, I am not. It was sometime ago that the Master did an adjustment on me and my expectations. He told me, "You can be picky where you are in life. However, you cannot sit her and not exercise wisdom. My "packaging" of her is not your concern. I know your tastes, but I also know your needs. Tell me what you want, but know that I'm still God."

    GOod question, though. Many of us singles aren't aware of the fact that we allow what WE see to be the guiding principle instead of God and His will.

  6. HusbandInTraining says:

    PassionateForChrist,

    That's it! You hit the nail on the head with everything you said about the "feeling" of it all. It's funny how relocations can have an effect on you giving your attention to God. It wasn't until I got out here that I realized I haven't been hearing the Master on everything, let alone clearly. After having done so over the past couple of weeks and seeing a marriage that looked good on the outside actually implode, I'm seeing things just a bit differently. The LORD has revealed some lies that I've been believing and how I've been allowing the thoughts and (mis)beliefs of others to influence me, instead of God being the barometer and pace-setter of everything in my life.

    Now, I'm a bit better off. As a result, I'm spending even more time with God to hear Him even more.

  7. HusbandInTraining says:

    CMLove,

    Thanks for your prayers! I can always use more prayer, and I'm not saying that sarcastically. And, you can rest assured that I'm not departing from this community anytime soon. If anything, as the Master keeps working on me and giving me even more perspective on marriage and singlehood, I believe you'll find me here more often. That's truly funny, and I'll tell you why.

    A couple of weeks after I submitted this letter to the site, I "ran" into a series of messages by Mike Todd out of Tulsa. This series is called "Relationship Goals", and it has blessed my heart so much. I'm almost done with the series (8 parts en masse), and I've noticed an uptick in MarriageHeat (Singles) story ideas. It's as if me receiving more wisdom this area of life increased my desire for my wife and, even more so, for the ever-betterment of my relationship with Jesus. It's kind of crazy how making Him the center of your life increases your desire for His blessings in your life, but even more for Him to simply be present. Feel me?

    It has been a while since I have been, in this area of my life, but I'm beginning to find myself happy.

    HIT

  8. HusbandInTraining says:

    Ebrewste,

    I'm seriously going to back and reread PassionateForChrist's response because it is STILL blessing me. Plus, check out the series by Mike Todd in Tulsa called "Relationship Goals". You can find this entire series (8 parts total) on Youtube. If it doesn't bless you and give comfort, I tell you what!

    We're going to be fine…scratch that…we ARE fine!

    HIT

  9. RMD says:

    My wife and I met online on a Christian dating site. She'd been a widow for twelve years and was 58, I'd been divorced for 4 and was 55. We have five kids each, mostly all grown, and I had some grandkids. One thing we had both decided is never to settle, and never to compromise. I lived in PA, she was in IL. We would never have met had it not been for the site. I'm not sure I can name it here, so I won't, but it was at the time the only distinctly Christian site. That was in 2010; we married a year later. We've both said that we wish we had found each other, but we know that we were not ready for each other. It's never too late, and there are good people out there. I'm a professonal counselor, and I hear this so often: "Where are all the good men/women?" They are there. I know you've prayed forever, we both know that that is like. The probability of us finding each other at our ages was, seemingly, so small, and yet here we are in that fairy tale marrige, so very deeply in love. I don't want to give any trite advice, I just want you to know it is possible – it really is.

  10. PatientPassion says:

    HusbandInTraining, it's amazing to see the change in tone from your post to your comments! As one of those 20-year-olds who doesn't have "a clue what waiting really is" (which I recognize is totally true), seeing the change in you is inspiring! God is blessing others through your story and pushing them to follow the same path into deeper submission to and relationship with Him!

  11. JAM777 says:

    My heart goes out to you my fellow brother in Christ!
    It has been long since I have logged onto the site but I feel led to leave a comment and hopefully encouragement for you in this.

    You have faced far longer period of time seeking a wife then me but I can at least empathize with you….

    I have had two failed attempts recently, one ending with me actually feeling the pain of it. But I have also learned the lesson that all Christians must face if we are to truly grow and push past the barrier in our Christianity…. that Christ is ALL we need!!!
    Noone and nothing else!!!

    I have also learned the overwhelming truth and blessing singleness. First off, our personal walk with Christ is extended and our tutoring in what we will need to be a blessing and encouragement to our future spouse in the service of our Lord. Secondly, singlehood's advantage that allows us more time and openings to serve the Lord and do the single most important and primary purpose of Christian, guide souls to Christ!!!
    Once a single Christian realizes, accepts, and embraces this truth and acts upon it…. the devil and the demons tremble for the Light of Christ shining through us casts a such a shadow that showcases us as titans!!!
    That our time, that would normally be spent with our wife or kids, can be spent in even longer periods of prayers. That our passion for our future spouse and be directed into prayers for the lost and for the prodigals!!!

    Oh how the gates of hell tremble when the echos of our prayers ripple across creation!!!

    Find peace brother, for a Christian that is content and satisfied in Christ is far more important.

    The last lesson I took in is the fact that as great and beautiful as marriage is on earth, it is only for this earth…. we must focus on the eternal and be thankful for the blessings of the temporal. For we are the church, the bride of Christ and our eternal union is in Heaven above. 🙂

  12. Lovinghusband says:

    HiT,

    I'm not writing to add any wisdom – but just to tell you that I love you as my dear brother in Christ! Your heartfelt message pierced me.

    I was so glad to see from your comments that God has given you some much needed encouragement. I think it can even make a difference in your daily life – to know that real people here care about you and will pray for you. I'm one of those people!

    God has you. We don't always enjoy His timing – but when we are looking up to Him and needy – we are in a good place.

    All that said – we will pray for you to find a godly wife. God bless you. You really touched my heart. LH

  13. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    So glad things are better for you now! I know a lot can transpire between writing and publication, because of this great community of contributors. (A story I submitted New Year's Day is scheduled for Valentine's Day, which I consider a pretty quick turn around!)

    I did want to clarify something, though. While not focusing on looks or heritage and more on the inner person *is* important, that wasn't exactly what I was refering to. I was concerned that since you have been so faithfully waiting for your wife, you might have set your hopes on a virgin who has been likewise preparing herself for you. And there is nothing wrong with that!

    But there are many of us who have followed the ways of the world until they broke us and we came crawling to our Savior for redemption. Part of my redemption story is that every experience I (and others) put myself through in a sordid past has been turned to good in the pleasuring of my NOW one-and-only. And I hoped that you hadn't rejected the possibility that you might be part of a plan like that for some other woman, maybe.

    I reassured myself on this count to a degree by going back and reading all your past posts, though. (Not an unpleasurable experience, I assure you!) It seems clear that your dreams and fantasies involve someone very confident in her skill at pleasing you, comfortable with the full exploration and enjoyment of both her own body and yours, and open to some adventure.

    I would hope that all women would have the mentorship of loving wives around them (or here on MH) to "teach the younger women… to love their husbands" – Titus 2:4. But, sadly, so many of us didn't and instead learned from years of experience or a broken relationship(s). I hope you haven't closed your mind and heart to the possibility of a salvaged daughter of God who is waiting for the love of a *real* man of God to show her true love (eros, philos, and agape) and help her redeem her past. That is all I meant.

    That may not be God's plan for you. The best I can pray is that He will give you the desires of your heart. Sometimes that is by fulfilling them, sometimes by implanting or changing them. *smiles*

  14. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    HiT my brother. Glad to see all the encouragement from others and that you feel better about the situation since you submitted this story
    I have some advise to give. Sometimes in life we find what we are looking for when we are not actively looking or trying. I suggest taking a step back, relax, be thankful and count the many blessings you have, and enjoy them. Wait on God, and concentrate and do what you are good at. Let me give you an example.

    We know a couple who at one time were desperately trying to have a baby and nothing was happening. They were despondent and stressed. My wife gave the advise to stop "trying" and simply enjoy each other and relax, a pregnancy will happen when it happens. They took that advise, and within two months she was with child.

    Brother, you can be in the market, but not actively shopping if you know what I mean. In other words, don't press the issue, it will happen when it happens.

    The Lords timeline is often different than what we want it to be. Be rest assured that He has the best intentions for you and will bring along Mrs Right when He feels you are ready. She is worth the wait I'm sure.
    HSSS

  15. HusbandInTraining says:

    RMD,
    THANKS FOR THAT! I think that's one of the problems I have when I allow myself to lose perspective: I keep thinking that it's not possible, let alone that it will even happen. Plus, I have to remember that age is nothing. God can make happen for me in one day what it took someone else 15-20 to make happen in their own power.

    Again, thank you for the reminder and the statement that there are good people out there.

    HIT

  16. HusbandInTraining says:

    PatientPassion,

    I had to go back and read what I wrote to see how drastic that change in attitude was. I'm starting to see that everything is a matter of perspective and that me being single doesn't equate to there being something wrong with me. I've been examining my motives, and you better believe that it was by the Holy Spirit's leading. He reminded me that what I see in other marriages might not necessarily be the truth of the matter. Lo and behold, the day after He told me that, I saw another marriage that looked great on the outside simply fall apart (and it HAS been falling apart for over 5 years). He told me, "You keep thinking that marriage will help fix your loneliness, but I offer to you that marriage only exposes even more of what has not been laid at My feet. Your singlehood is your prep time for marriage. This is the place where you and I grow closer so that, when you're married, you don't look at the woman I give you as the fulfillment of all your relationship needs. The most important relationship you will ever have is with Me. I define all relationships in your life, even your marriage. Without me, it's all a waste. Let Me be your all-in-all so that you don't worship her when I finally give her to you."

    As you can imagine, I've been in more contact with the Father since then…LOLOL!

    HIT

  17. HusbandInTraining says:

    LovingHusband,

    Funny how a little truth from the Master can set things right!…HAHAHAHAHA!

    I can always use more prayer, sir! So, thank you! Plus, it's good to know that there are people here that do care and are willing to speak to the LORD on my behalf. Much appreciated, and MUCH LOVE, BROTHER!

    HIT

  18. HusbandInTraining says:

    CrazyHappyLoved,

    THANKS FOR LIKING THE STORIES!

    I see what you mean, now. I used to limit myself in that regard, but as I've gotten older and matured a bit a more, I realize that God has salvaged us all and polished us all up in His glory. So, I had to ask myself why I would spurn someone God saw fit to save? Then, it occurred to me that doing so would mean that I would have to discard myself, also. So, for several years now, I've allowed my eyes to stay open and the Master guide me while telling me that we all have a past, and that past shouldn't keep us from enjoying what God is doing in our lives in the right now and in the future.

    HIT

  19. HusbandInTraining says:

    ArtRutherford,

    Thank you for your prayers! And it turns out that I've been worrying about how/when God was going to move on my behalf. But, like your hashtag suggests, I shouldn't be worried about anything when God is still on the throne.

    HIT

  20. HusbandInTraining says:

    HeSaid-SheSaid,

    Thank you for the advice. I've taken it to heart and started putting it into practice upon realizing that marriage is not the end-goal of my life. There are other things I want to accomplish right now, and they require me to focus on other areas of my life. Thank you for the reminder. I sincerely appreciate it.

    HIT

  21. PassionateForChrist says:

    Thanks CMLove ☺️ You’re such a sweetheart!

    HiT, I’m glad to hear and see that you found your happy self again! God is good! He has a unique way carved out for each of us. Awesome that you experienced a hike in your desire and in your imaginations for your future wife, as you recalibrated towards Him in this area. After I had finally readjusted myself, I’ve basically “lost” my vision for it – I can’t envision myself anymore as being able to give a man myself… to be put in such a vulnerable place that someone else would have to approve of me, would have to like what I got and all of it… the thought of it is something I cannot bring to terms with my being. For me, I count it to be good this way because it takes the pressure off – I don’t have to be sexy or worry about being pleasing or fulfilling or functioning enough or whatever. I believe to be and stay single and not set my mind on the physical things is what turns out to be healthiest for me in the end after all.

    God bless y’all!

  22. HusbandInTraining says:

    Guys,
    Thanks so much for all the prayers and words of encouragement! I swear that I responded to each of your responses, but, for some reason, the system didn't log them or upload them.

    I'm much better now, and the Master has been cluing me into a bit more truth about marriage than I thought was out there. Plus, He's beckoning me to a deeper relationship with Him. He's got me and my future in His hands, and He's let me know that marriage is not the end-goal of my life; it's just part of my life if/when He says it will be. Until then, I'll keep living and enjoying life…and at those moments when I'm feeling a little lonely, I'll cling to Him. Plus, overall, no single person should be looking at their lack of a spouse as a sign that there is something missing in their life. We should be whole BEFORE we meet them. They do NOT make us whole.

    Again, thanks for everything! New stories coming soon!

    HIT

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