Talk about Sex

Wives, Speak up!

Are you a shy little mouse?

I don’t mean scared at functions and parties. I mean, do you have difficulty talking about sex with your husband and letting him know what feels good in bed? Have you ever told him what you want? What will give you joy in bed?

Even reading these words may have made you blush! After all, sex isn’t really something we talk about very much. (You might talk to one of your lady-friends, but never your husband!) And it’s embarrassing to actually tell someone–even your husband–what you are feeling in that department. It feels somehow, well, wrong. “Won’t I sound like a slut?”

But it’s not wrong! It is so necessary to share with your husband what your needs and desires are.

It’s Part of Being Intimate

Being intimate is something you have to grow into. It’s not something you know how to do as soon as you get married. We grow up and are taught that sex is not talked about in polite conversation. Especially if you come from a “religious background.” You can be made to think good girls don’t talk about it. The problem with that presupposition is that if we don’t talk about sex and what pleases us, we don’t get to FEEL the pleasure we could. And then we start to believe we don’t have those desires at all. We just “put up with” sex instead of enjoying it as a gift of God.

Now here is where two plus two doesn’t always make four. You might think that you do not have those desires, but you do! You may need to find and grow them, though. And your husband is a very important part of the journey. Even if it’s hard to tell him. Deep inside of you, there are desires to feel. Desires to feel sensual. Desires to experience what God has placed inside your body. Your sexuality is a blessing from a Loving Father. He has made you in such a way that you can experience extreme sexual satisfaction. Did you know that your clitoris has NO OTHER FUNCTION except to give you pleasure?! Yes! The orgasm was God’s idea. He created it for your enjoyment. Hallelujah!

So take a deep breath with me, because I’m going to ask you to do something scary. I’m going to ask you to speak up and share your feelings and desires with your husband. Tell him what you want.

Speaking Up

That can be very hard to do, because you may not actually know what you like. Many women don’t. Most of us (men and women) were brought up with the idea that masturbation is a sin. But, much of what we like and dislike are learned during times of masturbation.

So, a big part of the problem is that when we get married, we don’t actually know how to touch each other. Men tend to like a rougher touch. Women tend to like it lighter and gentler. So when he touches you, chances are that you might experience him as being too rough. At the same time, when you touch him, you may be too gentle. (I have to be honest that most men are just desperate to be touched and will not complain about it.)

Think about it this way. If he touches and caresses you but it does not feel very good, it does not mean that you do not like to be touched. It might mean that you want it in a different way, or on another part of your body. He may not know how to touch you, and you may not know how to show him. If you do not communicate and share your desires, this opens a door for you feeling dissatisfied. You might start believing that sex is… “Not what I thought it would be.” It is disappointing, to say the least. And so sex becomes blah.

I want to scream my next statement from the rooftops!

Don’t settle for that!

You were made to feel pleasure. Sex should feel good for you both, not just for him. And when you feel good, it’s more of a mutual experience. It feels more intimate. And he will enjoy it more, too. Sex was designed to be fantastic in the confines of marriage. God loves it when we have fantastic, mind-blowing, orgasmic sex in our marriage! He does not turn away in disgust! He created it to be that way. (Can someone shout AMEN and hallelujah!)

I am a husband. I know how easily I can miss the signals. How easy it is for me to drive a straight line when I should have taken the corner. Or go fast when she really needs slow. Very slow. But ladies, we need to hear from you.

Talk about Sex and Pleasure

You are always the great talkers. But when it comes to bedroom talk all the speakers are often disconnected. That’s when we guys drown in the silent seas.

Some guys don’t always understand this. They figure you should be able to get turned on through intercourse, the way they do. If you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. Nope. There isn’t. It’s just that you require different kinds of stimulation. And, here is the good news; you do not always have to “say it.” Take his hand and put it where you want it. He might be lying next to you on his mobile phone or reading a book or half asleep. I guarantee if you take his hand and put it on your pussy, you will observe an awakening that would put Lazarus to shame!

Once you know what you like, then from now on, when you make love, take his hand and show him. That’s not being mean. It’s not being or demanding. It’s simply trying to make the experience mutual. And he’ll likely interpret it that you are excited about the whole thing. That will, in turn, be very exciting for him. He will love the fact that you are part of the game.

Don’t be embarrassed. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s supposed to feel good. There is nothing that excites me more than hearing and feeling my wife’s pleasure.

If your fear still holds you back from talking to your husband, these suggestions could make a little easier (and give you a giggle along the way):

Ideas to Try:

  • Give him this post to read.
  • If you cannot look him in the face, climb under the covers and talk to him from there.
  • Turn off all the lights and try talking in total darkness.
  • Start a conversation on your phone. Even go so far as to make a date with him to chat by text messages and to share your wants, likes, and desires. (My chats with my wife have done some wonderful things for us. You can read some of them here on MH.)
  • Watch for the signs that he wants to make love to you. Then tell him that you really desire him, but you want to share something first. (At that point most men are super-open to hear.)

It doesn’t matter how you communicate; just do something! Are you ready? There is no better time than the present.

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6 replies
  1. Tulsa says:

    As a husband, something important I learned, is when she does speak up, DO IT!
    Might be she wants something a bit kinky, or a lot kinky, or embarassing, but again, DO IT!
    And don’t make any negative comments when she brings something up, like YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT!!???
    Just do it. If you refuse, she won’t ask again, for anything, and it will take some work to where she will speak up again.
    And, if it works for HER, do it again, even if it doesn’t work for you!

    • Tulsa says:

      True, it does work both ways, but discouraging words would end, or at least postpone, her requests.
      Me….not so much! I was always more persistent.

  2. snagd says:

    Very true. I the husband was the introverted one when feeling to have sex. What I didn’t realise was that my wife felt the same but was waiting on me. The result : sex started dying. Then one day she tried something. She bluntly told me that if she wants sex, she will just make it known in what ever language (dirty or discreet) and wants me to do the same. We agreed and just night afterwards she told me in no uncertain terms “I need a good f***”. That started our sex of using "dirty" language in whatever we wanted to be done. It still works up to now. We don’t ask anymore, we just prepare ourselves in whatever we desire and make sure we enjoy all fantasies.

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