We Need Help

My husband and I have not been married long, not even for 2 years. We have a lot of sex issues. I have issues that come from a previous relationship where I thought we were in love and reluctantly gave up my virginity.

Since then, I have had a very hard time with sex. I had always believed that sex was something magical with your husband on your wedding night. Then when I gave that dream up, sex became meaningless. I lost myself in a sea of online dating, meeting a total of 3 men for “hookups.”

Then I saw Nathan online. He was cute, and I was just looking to meet, have meaningless sex, and never see him again. We went out for pizza and had sex in the back of his car parked in the woods.

Looking back now, I’m so lucky I wasn’t one of those girls that ends up dead from an online date. Anyways, as I said, I didn’t think I’d ever see this boy again. He dropped me off at home, and I thought that was that. But he kept messaging me, asking when he could see me again. Now, keep in mind, this was new for me. The previous hookups I had were shallow and never repeated.

So now for Nathan to be actually interested in me was quite strange. I’ve learned from my past experiences that I now unknowingly equate having sex as the only way I feel loved. Having sex is the only way I feel accepted or pretty.

I am a flawed human. My Nathan tries… I know he does. He works so hard; he is a framer for a local construction company, working four 10-hour days a week. I am so grateful for how hard he works. He provides us with everything we need. But he is not providing me with the feeling of being loved.

I’m writing this on September 19th. We have not had sex since the second week of August, about 6 weeks now. This is not our usual. Usually, we will have sex about 1-2 times a week. But we often have these long stretches that make it feel awkward even to try.

Tonight I wanted to surprise him. He had fallen asleep while we were watching TV, so I sat in his lap, straddling him, and started kissing him and grinding my hips on him. He began to wake up and fell asleep again. This happened a couple of times, him waking up, kissing back, telling me I was cute. But ultimately falling back to sleep.

This is not the first time he has fallen asleep like this. Sometimes he will be rubbing my clit and start to doze off, or I will be rubbing his cock, and he will doze off. I feel so heartbroken, as if I’m not interesting enough for him. I try to talk to him about it, and he just says he’s tired. Then my friends tell me about waking up in the middle of the night just to have sex, even when they have an early morning ahead.

I am so jealous. I often hear men complain that their wives don’t want sex, but I never hear the opposite. I am struggling to feel the love in my relationship and if you have any advice on how to either get my husband to notice me or how to just accept this, it is appreciated.

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15 replies
  1. christmakesithot says:

    I'm so sorry that your struggling in this way. First of all, remember that you are loved and you are so beautiful! Don't look to other men to validate you, that will always hurt your relationship. Second, we all have some sort of brokenness that needs to be fulfilled and many of us try to find that fulfillment in our spouses. God uses spouses to comfort each other but he uses the dry seasons to bring us closer to him, because ultimately He is the only one who can truly satisfying your needs and give you peace. Third, I know some can be too prideful, but would he be willing to go to counseling together with you? I believe all marriages, even the best, need counseling. I'd also suggest professional christian counseling not just some pastor who has their degree in theology (I am a pastor, lol). Fouth, I would wait to talk to him about it, on a good day, when you both feel very close. Before you talk about the problem, affirm his hard work and good qualities, express how proud you are of him and how blessed you feel, then ask if you can share some of your hurt and loneliness. Try to listen to him and work towards a plan to help change it; ask him for advice. In marriage, you have to learn to fight well and it takes practice. My wife and I fought like cats and dogs the first few years of marriage but we have perfected our love and our ability to fight well. Fifth, here on MH, is a good safe place to start asking questions. The family here is very loving and understanding. They can give you a good place to begin. My wife and I feel for you and are praying. We hoped this helped.

  2. PacMan says:

    My guess is that it’s mostly biological, he’s just extremely tired. As unromantic as this sounds, I would schedule sex at least once a week. You both must honor that appointment. Then find ways to dangle the carrot thru the week (e.g. provocative texts, topless pics, describe yourself masturbating, etc). You might get a few spontaneous trysts popping up. 🙂

  3. lion hearted says:

    Marsue, you were created in God's image!!! You are a daughter of the King!!! May I make a suggestion? There is a 10-week small group bible study called Freedom that helps to remove hurts from our past and give you a new Love for our Heavenly Father. You can do a google search to find a church in your area that offers Freedom; if not, there are online small groups available. The study concludes with a weekend retreat at the church.

  4. ArtRutherford says:

    Yes. You are a beautiful woman and our God loves you. If he keeps falling asleep, that is correct, he may be too tired to do anything else. But the scheduling idea sounds good. Try that. And pray to God about it. After all, He created sex. 🙂

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Oooh, good question! This could be a medical or nutritional issue. Narcolepsy, anemia, even just poor sleep due to sleep apnea… It may not be something he can choose.

    • MarSue says:

      I think he does have sleep apnea, I often hit him in his sleep because he stops breathing for a short bit. He hasn’t gone to the dr though. His diet also sucks! I have been overweight forever and finally have changed my diet, I have lost 30 lbs so far, but he still eats horribly and I talk to him about it and he says he wants to eat better but never makes any change

  5. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    So if he is working 4 10's, then that means he has 3 days off. I suggest having sex in the MORNING, or whenever he wakes up and is fully rested. Maybe get yourself naked and wake him up with your body in order to get him aroused. Exhaustion is a sex killer. So if your schedules allow, have sex when your not tired.

  6. mayfair Bones says:

    Always remember you are woman enough. God created you as such.
    As a couple ,commit to lovemaking by putting down the date and time.
    Send him flirty messages on that day.
    Tell him what is waiting.
    As he walk through the door wait for him in lingerie.
    Also remember…your past is gone.Dont let it be a burden.
    Pray for your intimacy. It truly works

  7. SweetMockingbird says:

    I was suspecting that I had sleep apnea when I dealt with chronic exhaustion. I'm a female who was working in an office setting. It encroached into every area of my life! How much more impactful is chronic tiredness in your husband's life, with his physically-demanding occupation! If you know he stops breathing in his sleep, to the point that you are hitting him to get his breathing going again, his sleep apnea is worse than mine. From what you described, not even AM sex will work overall without him getting treated. I woke up exhausted regularly. Some days I felt like I whould've had more energy if I'd just stayed up all night with no sleep. I was equally baffled by how 2 hrs of sleep could feel more restful than a full night of 7-8 hrs sleep. It's a terrible feeling to wake up starved for rest, day after day. If your husband is experiencing this, he is risking dozing off on the job or making a critical error due to a chronically-tired mind. I know first-hand how crippling sleep apnea can become the longer it goes untreated.

    I strongly, strongly recommend that he sees the doctor. The doctor will run bloodwork first, and if there's no signs of a different medical issue, the physician will likely order a sleep study. This overnight sleep study could open the door to a C-Pap machine to regulate his breathing at night. If this is truly what he needs to sleep normally, it could revolutionize his life. This could mean no more helping him to breathe at night, and him waking up rested in a way he hasn't experienced in years! When I got my C-Pap (mine is an auto-pap, whisper-quiet, and adjusts air pressure up or down as needed through the night), that's what I experienced. My mind felt…reborn! Fog lifted! Energy steady throughout the day. Sunshine in my spirit! It felt like my body had actually forgotten what real sleep felt like–I had lived with substandard sleep conditions for so long!

    I pray the door opens up soon for your husband to get the diagnostic testing he needs to, in essence, get his life back–and y'all's marriage back on track again! I will be praying for you to stay strong and hopeful. The lack of sex hurts you both, but it's not your fault or his. Keep praying for God's intervention and leading! Knowledge is power. You and your husband will tackle this together. God will open that door to resolving this mystery. I am confident that you as a team will beat this, and your marriage will be stronger for having gone through it.

  8. studhubby10 says:

    Maybe I missed it but what are your approximate ages?

    I just mentioned this on another thread but one place to go for help is Hot, Holy & Humorous HD on Facebook. It is a private group for HD higher drive wives.

    Also, I just started on a CPAP recently. For years I resisted even getting tested, but one thing I found out was that sleep apnea can also lead to higher blood pressure, and also, it is harder to lose weight because you have less energy. I always thought it was just an issue of snoring or not snoring.

  9. RMD says:

    I'm a professional counselor; I've been thinking about your questions in between clients this afternoon. There is not enough information to know what to say since he has not written, but there are a few things that can be said. The first has already been said by christmakesithot, see a professional Christian counselor, not a pastor. You also need to talk honestly and frankly about this and see if you can find what the problem really is. The second is this, I was a painting contractor for thirty years, and I know how you can come home exhausted, especially in the summer months. He may sleep too deeply to wake up and make love, but it also could be avoiding behavior – that is where you both need help to know and remedy what really is wrong. But don't do what women generally do, blame themselves, think they are defective, not pretty or sexy enough. It's not you.

  10. SecondMarge says:

    I can’t imagine a healthy, under-100-year-old man falling asleep like that. Previous relationships can be an issue for both of you. Sounds like some communication or a trip to the doctor are needed.

  11. EntwinedSouls says:

    Hello Marsue
    Firstly, thank you for having courage to speak about your sexual relations between your husband and yourself
    As others have suggested it may be advisable that your Husband has a health check to ensure that there is no physical ailments which is causing his exhaustion.
    I had a few thoughts while reading your post. One is that I think as woman, as a society infact we have the misconception that Men are physically, mentally and emotionally ready to have sex all the time. That they are some amazing creatures that can perform at the drop of a hat. This we know isn’t true. They need all the care, rest, nutrition, relaxation, love, trust as us woman do. He’ s human and by the sounds of it works long hours.
    Secondly, I wondered if instead of having the focus of intimate time together, connection, you change that focus from the end goal of penetration to enjoying each other’s company, chatting, listening to music, while having a hug, caressing each other’s skin, eating together etc.If you want a more intimate physical connection, looking to others methods to achieve this ( and again not focusing on penetration). Giving your partner a massage while creating a calm,warm, relaxed environment, tapping into his senses using touch, smell and talking to him gently as you do, I suggest after the massage you lay on top of him, bodies touching and souls connected. This is turn will add that intimacy, deep connection that I believe you crave and we all need in our relationships with our spouse. There are videos on You Tube ( I do apologise If I am not allowed to direct to specific sites) that will aid you in creating such environments, on the art of massage and connection.
    These are just some little thoughts of mine and I do hope they help in some manner
    Wishing you and Husband a warm, connected, happy life together

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