Do I Really Need to Know?
My husband’s illness has me taking over the paperwork. I had to empty space in a long-unused file cabinet. Most of the content was from the time I was married to my first husband, who has long since passed away. I found a series of letters from Janice, a close friend of ours, dated during my pregnancy.
As I mentioned in a previous story, my husband was strictly “climb on, cum, and climb off” in bed with me. I knew no better, having been told by my mother it was a woman’s job to endure her husband’s needs.
He stopped touching me when I found out I was pregnant. There was no sex or intimacy until several months after I gave birth. When he initiated sex again, things were very different. He played with my body. Tried different positions. Actually gave me some pleasure.
Needless to say, it was a curious development. Had he read something? Watched pornography? Surely he hadn’t had an affair?
Janice couldn’t have been a better friend. Often the comments on MH remind me of things she would reveal to me about her marriage. Her husband wasn’t satisfying her, either. She wanted to try new things in bed.
Janice and her husband moved just about the time my husband restarted our sex life. Naturally, I’m afraid the letters from her will give me the answer I fear about the changes in my husband all those years ago.
Should I finally know what happened? Or should I leave it to Rest In Peace with my husband? Shred the letters and never know? Or read them in hopes there was nothing between them? I have not seen her in years, and I’m remarried, so I’m not even sure if I would be upset if they had an affair.
What should I do?
Wow! What a very dangerous place for you to be. I would just shred them all without even a 2nd thought.
I read a story some time ago about a lady who received a letter from her 'soon to be husband' during world war II. He never made it home and was killed. The letter traveled around for more than 30 years before it at last reached her. It made news headlines. The newspapers wanted to know what was written in the letter…….? She decided NEVER TO OPEN IT because she said while she still had not read his letter, he was still alive to her.
Rather honor your late husband's memory and remember the value of a friend.
SecondMarge;
I think it would be best to burn the letters…there’s nothing to gain here for anyone, least of all you….your last paragraph kind of answers your question….I hope you find peace..
Dale3
The truth will set you free.
If you do not seek the truth in this situation, you will always wonder You will not be free. If you learn the truth, you can then take appropriate action. You can forgive. Then you can let it go, and you will be free.
Ask Jesus to help you get through this difficulty. He is trustworthy, and he will do it.
I definitely agree. Read them.
I think it would eat at me to the point where I read them.
Since you have moved on with your life, finding out they had an affair might not be as painful as not knowing.
Good question.
I wouldn’t want to suspect a friend. I would want to either forgive or forget my unwarranted suspicions.
I would not read them and burn them to remove the temptation. Finding that there is not bad news simply maintains the status quo. Finding that there is bad news will have a negative impact.
Context:
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things
Phil 4:8
forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:13-14
What is the chance that knowing this will make you look more like Jesus and compel you to love others well?
Please Let us know what you decide Marge.
I think I would read them, IF I was in a place where I could pre-forgive and not judge my spouse’s memory. I think with us we carry the good and the bad — in ourselves and our spouses. The truth+forgiveness will help put it to rest quicker and more thoroughly than ignoring+doubt.
I agree with PacMan here. Now that this suspicion has been raised, for me at least, it would be difficult to live in doubt, never knowing what happened. Even if I could completely forgive anything that MIGHT have happened, not knowing would still probably eat at me. I think it might even be easier to forgive if I knew what did or didn't happen. I would probably pray, reach a place of preemptive forgiveness for the worst of what might have happened, then learn the truth and either apply that forgiveness or be relieved.
The decision is yours; make it only after praying deeply about it, and letting God lead you.
Hi SecondMarge,
I hope I'm not too late with my reply. Firstly, I want to wish your husband a speedy recovery, and may the Lord be with him in this tough time.
Regarding the letters: I would say read them. I'm with the others that say it would be worse not knowing what those letters said, and to always wonder about something might haunt you; at least, even if you find what you fear to find, you will have peace of mind.
And if you know the truth and it is indeed what you feared, then you will have the opportunity to forgive him, which, in my opinion, will lift any burden upon your chest.
Kind regards,
southernmost
Heartfelt post SecondMarge, as are all your posts. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. Sorry you both are going thru such a difficult season right now, hang in there sister!
Regarding the letters, pray for wisdom and strength and read them.You both were in different places then, and love between two people, especially males and females, is a difficult emotion to understand.
My husband has two close female friends that he loves and stays in contact with. No hint of sexuality or flirtations. Yes they are proactive to protect their marriages, yet they are very close, more like siblings. They love each other and I’m okay with that. I’m not threatened.
Opposites attract and human love is a mysteriously powerfully emotional force.
You will feel better knowing about the letters, just keep everything in perspective with an open, trusting mind and heart.
LadyGarden