Loneliness During the Wait

So I am going to ask a question that is different than usual. I’m a Christian guy, 26, and still a virgin. I’m attractive but have never really had a lot of success with women. I’m putting myself out there but haven’t had any luck; either they weren’t into me, I wasn’t into them, or we just didn’t get along. Lol.

At this point, I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I masturbate when I’m lonely, but it’s not really a solution. I’m not sure there is one, but when it comes to romantic loneliness, that desire to cuddle with someone or kiss or even have sex, what advice do you have to deal with the loneliness?

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16 replies
  1. MiSWRAPP says:

    Hi, WakaWaka 123,

    I recently did a deep dive into loneliness because I too was struggling with it. The twenties are an interesting time!

    When I read through Matthew, Mark and Luke, I noticed a pattern…Jesus often sought out loneliness. He would slip out early in the morning and late at night to pray and spend time with God.

    I think of loneliness as opportunity to steal away with Him. (Now when I am single and even when I am married one day, because a spouse will not cure loneliness completely.)

    Matthew 14:12-14
    (After John the Baptist was beheaded)

    Luke 6:8-12
    (After Jesus heals on the Sabbath)

    Mark 6:46-50
    (Before Jesus walked on water)

    Mark 1:34-38
    (After Jesus healed many people)

    Luke 22:39-41
    (Before being betrayed in Gethsemane)

    There are other verses, but I like these five because they show how Jesus went to God to deal with life, grieving a friend, harassment from the Pharisees, trying to train his disciples, casting out demons and dealing with betrayal. Jesus truly is a high priest who empathizes with us.

    I run a blog where I write reflections on the many ways that I see God in my daily life (this was one of these things I wrote about on there). I have been blogging since I was 16 and it has helped me cope with loneliness and connect with God on an intimate level. If you do not like to write/read, maybe you could make music, paint, collect comic books etc.? I believe that any hobby/creative thing that we do can serve as a coping mechanism. Plus, you never know who you might meet while pursuing that hobby! I know those things won’t cuddle you or kiss you back, but I am sure that your future wife will love to read/see/hear all about what you did while you were waiting for her (I know I would!).

    Hope this helps and I will be praying for you!

  2. RMD says:

    Loneliness is hard, but lonely marriage is much worse. Don’t allow loneliness drive you to a bad decision in whom you date and marry. Never settle, but instead wait for the one you can’t live without, one who gets you, who meets each part of your soul. Make a list of what you need in a wife based on who you are, your ideals, goals, likes, desires, and make that your objective measure of who you are looking for. Once you do this, think of where a girl like this would be found, then look there. Online dating is great, but you must know who you want and need. My wife and I married 8.5 years ago. I’d been divorced and she was a widow. We met on a Christian dating site. We each had a list, and on it were the only criteria we would use to find a spouse. Two of the sixteen things were these:

    – Someone who is passionately in love with Jesus and with broken people.
    – Someone who love missions and has been on at least one missions trip

    I replied to only one woman because on her profile there was a picture of her in a worn tee-shirt in the middle of twenty orphans in the bush in Ghana. I knew I had found her. I met her needs and she met mine, and we have been deeply in love ever since.

    Know yourself, then look for a woman who will fill every part of you and you of her so neither of you will be lonely in any part of your soul. Most of all, pray for your wife now, wherever she is, that God will protect her and bring you together at the right time. Focus on being the best man you can be so you will be ready for her.

  3. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    I do with all my heart believe that God brings people together for his own purposes. I believe marriage is sacred and meant to grow us in Christ-likeness, both of us, and that sometimes loneliness is, too. Try to look for the lessons you can learn on how to be more like Him each day, whether alone or with a mate. Ask how being lonely now might help you be a better spouse and friend, or better able to comfort another when they are later going through what you have faced now. Most of all, don't isolate yourself. Make friends and find opportunities to serve others with your time and efforts. Not only will this feed your soul and help you feel less lonely, but it also will help grow you into the man of God that your future wife will be most attracted to. And who knows if those very friendships and service work will be the path to finding the person who will serve alongside you for the rest of your life?

  4. Honeymooners says:

    God has your spouse out there for you. My husband and I met in church as kids. Are you in church? What are your hobbies? What can you focus on now? God brings people together and everything is done on His timing. Develop relationships and friendships with people if you can.

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      I'm in church a lot, unfortunately there are not many young adults at my church but I visit and come into contact with young adults fairly often. I go to church for God, and my church satisfies all my needs except for finding a spouse. So I'm not going to hope to another one and give up all the good things I have here.

      I have close friends of both genders, I Just haven't had any luck with finding a romantic relationship.

    • Cuddles says:

      I'm a lady in waiting. When I realised that I needed a husband bc I didn't want to live out the rest of my life alone after my sexual awakening, I made one simple request of The Lord.
      Would He please give me a Bible-believing, active Christian man (obviously in my age group, retired) and to bring him to me. I want us to fall deeply in love, have a short engagement and a looooong honeymoon, and for us to learn quickly and solidly how to stay in love.
      I only asked once and I know He heard me, so I commenced thanking Him each time it came to my mind.

      About two weeks later when I returned to church after a hiccup of a few months bc of my sexual awakening, there he was! He had arrived some time before I even asked!
      He hasn't landed in my immediate world as yet but he's certainly on his way.

      And your special lady is journeying towards you.

      Meantime God is teaching me to pray for him, me, and us while I hafta just be satisfied with glimpses across the room so to speak (it's just a small church and discretion is needed!). God has made it clear to me to leave my man be bc he has excess baggage. It's gotta be when he's ready. He's attracted to me but is terrified of loving again. Yep, the last time round for him stung!
      Suffice to say that listening to the Holy Spirit and then praying it is imperative before they arrive. I look at it this way… the more that is prayed about and requested before they arrive, the less turmoil and trubble down the track. Probably overly simplified but that's how I roll.

      Be encouraged WakaWaka123, she's journeying closer and closer to you every single day, and it IS possible for our great big God who just LOVES to perform miracles for her to end her journey in your church.

      Why not?

      Cuddles xxxx

    • Cuddles says:

      @pnwwoodsman

      I also respect your beliefs, views, and your opinion on what God will or won't do. I also agree with the scriptural basis for trusting God to move heaven and earth if necessary to answer the faith-filled prayer of one of His dear children regarding His bringing the one that He knows to be His best choice, as in CrazyHappyLoved's comment.

      In my first comment to WakaWaka123 I left out several parts of what I guess is basically my testimony for the sake of brevity. It seems that I need to tell a little bit more of my story so that folks can get some kind of understanding about "how I roll", so here goes…

      Been married once, a few separations dotting the decades that held some good times while being churchgoers. A lot of unhappiness and misery was in there too (both our faults, always is) with him ending it over a decade ago. I was Mrs. Fix-it for most of it, but nothing I did helped. In retrospect I wasn't really trusting God or my husband and was deceived bc I thought I was doing His will. Our marriage just crumbled over the years bc neither of us had learned how to actively build it strong through forgiveness, clinging to each other, and the like.

      The three of us (him, myself, our marriage) were weak, so attack from powers of darkness eventually came and we all fell over. There was no adultery or anything like that. He ended it, and it really was over. He has never changed his mind on it, and I have moved on.

      I've had tragedy and bad health too. I know and recognise God's Grace and Mercy which He has poured out over me all through when I was emotionally crippled and just couldn't believe that He could make a difference in my life.

      I was seriously seeking God twelve years ago by prayer and fasting for my church's Consecration Week and He gave me two words: "Believe Me". At first it seemed wonderful, added zoomph to my life and destiny scriptures, but then a weight of responsibility settled in on me. Arrrggghhh, the things I used to do!

      I ran away from those words straight into a wilderness experience. I became depressed, I went non-compliant with my heart and diabetes meds plus others, I was unhappy and miserable. I just wanted to die. I remained that way for some years and God kept me alive even though I was in rebellion.

      I was one step away from homelessness for nearly all that time. I had nowhere to live, couldn't afford the big rents in our area so my ex graciously offered for me to live with him in his little one-bedroom public housing unit. I was grateful to him for giving me his bedroom, but it DID mess with our heads.

      Then I was given a govt housing unit of my own to suit my needs which just so happened to be right near my old church (hint, hint, after I'd said years before I'd never go back there!). God patiently whittled away at all my objections, and after six months, I finally went back with a quality settled decision that from now on I was gonna *Believe Him*, praise His Name!

      That first day was my pension payday weekend and I found myself giving my tithe willingly, wondering at the same time how on earth I was gonna manage without that chunk of money! Only months later, I was giving to missions regularly also! God has been faithful, He blesses me in so many ways and keeps on pouring it on and more!

      I was still regularly getting very sick and always ending up in hospital, sometimes fighting for my life. No longer. My health has improved significantly!

      I'm a worshipper. I was a song leader years ago. I was just average at it but loved doing it all the same.

      When I returned to church, I couldn't sing a note, literally. My voice had been so hammered by ill-health. God has restored my voice and now I sing out with everyone, enjoying once more being overwhelmed with His prescience when I praise my wonderful Saviour!

      I am valued and loved at church. I'm known for my big smile, warm hugs, and encouragements. I have made many friends there, after being basically friendless. God has also restored some family relationships.

      All this and more. All because I stopped running away, instead now peacefully resting in God. My faith is growing and strengthening as I trust Him daily, and I've adopted the KISS (keep it simple, stupid!) method which works well for this complex soul.

      When I encourage someone to believe that God wants to do something wonderful for them it's because I KNOW He can. I don't do it lightly. It's not Pollyanna thinking, although I must add that I do choose to be cheerful. My Heavenly Father is that Great Big God who does miracles. He's that patient One who has a plan and purpose for each of our lives and He wants us to have His best. Always.

      All of this and so much more is why my faith is such that I can ask Him for my heart's desire and know that He hears me. He does have His best choice of a husband for me. It's part of the plan and destiny especially for me and my new man in the mind's eye of the Ancient of Days.

      I'm aware that my new man and I haven't connected and married as yet, but for me it's as good as done bc I believe God. Simple.

      The day that I first saw him at church after God told me at home that I was going to see him that morning, the instant I laid eyes on him the Holy Spirit started to somersault in my belly. Rocking and knocking around so that I thought He was going to knock me to the floor. I didn't know He would do such a thing! And the Holy Spirit was witnessing to me clearly and strongly that this man was 'the one'. God has since led me to scripture and other witness to verify to me that I'm not losing the plot.

      So now it's waiting and preparing time. Preparation of a sexual awakening which continues to unfold, discovering my sexuality by using vibrators while masturbating, a comprehensive makeover which is all about me learning to love me, availing myself of govt subsidized physio help to learn to walk strongly and unaided, and the latest is to learn some romantic (and some naughty dirty talk too) Spanish phrases which I assume are to turn him on lol. Praying for him, me, and us too of course.

      And just to top it all off, while I was watching the NYE fireworks at the beach, God says to me clear as a bell "2020's your year".

      Woohooo! I'm taking it and I'm going all out for it!

      Why wouldn't I?

      Cuddles xxxx
      .
      .

  5. SinglePringle says:

    As someone who's pretty much in the same position as you – bar the loneliness (because I'm lucky to be very close to my family), I get that it's hard and frustrating putting yourself out there and not getting the return you desire. The only advice I can give is to find a project to do. Something that you can pour your creative energy into as a distraction. Find a meet-up that you can attend regularly. I go to comic cons which at least allows me to meet a lot of people with similar interests. Learn to be comfortable with yourself on your own (if you're an introvert) or surround yourself with people and relationships (if you're an extrovert).
    As others have said, marriage isn't a cure for loneliness, so it's better to learn how to combat it as a single than to go into marriage thinking that it'll solve your loneliness issue.

    • WakaWaka123 says:

      Oh i don't think marriage is going to magically solve anything. however I think realistically I have a deficit in my life when it comes to intimacy. I just don't know a whole lot of people on a deeper level. Likewise its pretty normal to desire to get married, and when that desire feels impossible then negative emotions are normal, and a remedy to that situation would actually help with those emotions.

      Is it going to magically fix my loneliness? Nope, not a chance. WIll it lesson it? Yes, if its a good healthy relationship.

      I actually have the best social life currently as Ive ever had. I hangout with people multiple times a week, i go out, ect. Im always trying something new, developing a skill, SOMETHING. I'm doing basically everything I should be doing to combat my loneliness but, it isn't really working.

      But that really doesn't help the desire for a close romantic relationship. Sometimes I just want to cuddle and watch netflix with someone, or just have SOME sort of physical affection (its probably been a year since Ive had any).

      Side note: thanks for your reply! Every now and then I See your name pop up and always look forward to hearing your thoughts!

    • SinglePringle says:

      I see! That makes sense. I guess because I've got someone who I can talk to about the frustrations of Christian dating in real life that probably helps. But even then, there are still times we both feel super down about it.

      The only advice I could give is to find someone in a similar position to you in real life that you can kind of vent to. It really does help. Again since a lot of my friends are very "touchy feely" in the sense that we hug a lot, that physical side of things is satisfied. Of course I'd love higher levels of intimacy but I can't miss what I've never had (I know this isn't the case for you as you've dated and mentioned that you've "fooled around" a little bit but it was still very limited).

      Maybe find a group of people that you can develop deeper friendships with and interact with on a regular basis. From what you're saying, I guess you live alone so the loneliness will feel a lot worse. Or just sit there and talk/pray to God. There might be moments where only God can satisfy the loneliness you're feeling and others you need something physical. But if there are ways you can minimise feeling lonely then that's a start.

      Side note: That's really sweet of you to say and the feeling's definitely mutual 🙂 It's nice to know that there are other Christian singles like myself on here and that alone helps me to feel a bit better while waiting.

  6. pnwwoodsman says:

    What I'm about to say won't win me many friends. But bear with me.

    God will NOT pick your partner. And the odds of you meeting the "one" are slim. Our society has become increasingly disconnected, and psychologically complicated. The epidemics of abuse, broken homes, broken relationships, and so on have loaded so many people up with deep amounts of baggage.

    We lack a healthy courting or dating culture in modern times, with more ways to connect and fewer people truly knowing each other. As sex positive Christians, we're an often misunderstood subset of a subset. Now, certainly people do get married, but think about this.

    You meet someone, who you may have something in common with. Assuming they're compatible with you in general ways, personality type, enjoy shared activities, etc. it's still very challenging to communicate about topics like sexuality that may be important to you while not alienating her or running afoul of what the church may teach about such matters, or even the freedom to communicate about them. And this is of course, assuming that you're emotionally and psychologically healthy yourself, and don't "burden" your partner in any way – because as patient and as tolerant as you may be about their challenges, their patience may not extend to you, because no one wants to be the "fixer" in a relationship, and being too reliant on the other is considered "co dependent" so basically, you both should probably be people who don't need or really desire too much to be in a relationship at all, lest your church, their friends, and popular psychology condemn you for wanting to be in a relationship with someone in the first place.

    Then let's say you actually do form a commitment and one or the other of you doesn't bolt based on a perceived "sign", hostile friends and relatives, or simply a bad reaction to spicy food that day. You make it to marriage, and then spend a large portion of that time differing on the things you didn't talk about when dating, the things you somehow didn't discover about each other, or the interference of their friends, family, the pressures of work, finances, and inevitably, when you do have sex that will cause children, who are going to be a huge drain on your time, energy, income and emotion. Add into this heady cocktail, life's inevitable knack for throwing you curveballs, and you're facing a true challenge. You'll likely be let down in your career, battered by society and the church, and your spouse will be dealing with their own baggage that dates back to unmet needs in childhood and young adulthood while trying to just keep the rent paid and the lights on.

    Now some couples do get married – and have reasonably good marriages. Assuming they're not mismatched in drive, don't change their goals and learn too much about themselves to not change dramatically. Of those couples, even the good Christian ones are by and large unsatisfied with many aspects of their lives, including sex, which you see on the sex positive sites here. For every couple posting wonderful stories about their sex life, there's probably 9 others in ten who are sneaking off to rub one out in the shower just to have some pleasure in their mediocre day, while hoping their spouse doesn't catch them and make them feel like a pervert. This is presuming they don't have inherent guilt about doing it in the first place from religion or their childhood.

    That being said, somehow, some couples on MH have figured it out. Somehow, perhaps in a simpler time and place, they met, communicated, were honest and communicative, don't judge each other's fantasies and quirks, and have a passionate, thriving sex life. That isn't to say they don't have problems or challenges by any means, but somehow these people manage to be actual adults. They're not threatening to walk out on each other or beating each other up, they actually work through things, communicate, and come back together naked and unashamed, the way we were made in the first place. But these couples are the EXCEPTION not the rule.

    The church is broken, religion is broken, society is broken, and all our idealism and desires won't change the facts that we are screwed up. We don't know how to meet anyone and build a dating relationship, much less a marriage. We swipe right and left, place flowery personal ads, instagram and facebook our best sides, and the birth rate lowers, the divorce rate stays about the same, assuming we even make it to marriage to begin with. We refuse to own biology, psychology and science – which a rational mind would call our "design" via God, and instead cast it as a boogieman to be feared. We huddle in our churches and rant about what's "out there" when in reality, the "devils" that destroy homes and families are within ourselves. They don't have to destroy families anymore because they aren't being built to begin with.

    The Scripture says he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Most people, before enduring the pain of real life, are wired to desire connection and a mate. But we refuse to acknowledge the practicality, the inherent biological drive, and the key role of femininity and masculinity in the thriving and well being of each other. We're all off in our own camps, worried about our own "wellness" and doing nothing for one another to achieve it in the most basic, natural institution designed to help us do so.

    Finding a great Christian spouse is like buying a winning lottery ticket. It does occasionally happen. But I wouldn't count on it. And if you win, by all means, share with us how.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I respect your opinion on what God will and won't do, but I find biblical precedent for believing that God answers prayer for guidance toward the spouse He has planned for us, specifically in the story of Abraham's servant being shown that Rebecca was Issac's intended bride. Does He do that for everyone who asks? I could never make that claim. But "faith is the evidence of things not seen." Just because he hasn't done it yet doesn't mean he won't.

      Some will choose to wait for a spouse with the characteristics they believe indicate a good match for them. Others will choose to love someone that seems to be all wrong for them in the eyes of their friends and families, but they make it work because of their dedication to each other. I believe every relationship is meant to grow us in holiness and unity, especially marriage.

      What to do while you are looking and waiting for the person that you will choose to love forever, WakaWaka? Here are a few suggestions: get involved in social groups built around your interests, join the choir or praise band at your church, travel, go on mission trips, help at a community soup kitchen, take night classes if you work or a part-time job if you are in school… Anything that will expand your social circle, open up opportunities to meet new people, and keep you engaged in living life to its fullest with people you care about until you find the woman you'll dedicate yourself to in marriage. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."

    • SinglePringle says:

      pnwwoodsman, I agree with the fact that a lot of people are searching for "the one" and that in my opinion is a mistake. I believe that for a majority of people there is more than one person out there for you. Some are better than others and when you decide to marry them, you decide to make it work and forsake all others because of your promise before God.

      However a lot of the issues from marriage nowadays come from wrong choosing at the dating stage. People get desperate and therefore settle for things that should have remained dealbreakers that will become issues later on in marriage.

      I also think good pre-marital counselling and honest conversations about sex within marriage would help this. One advantage I feel that I've had as someone who's never dated in this sexualised society is that I truly understand now that there are things I wanted in a husband when I was younger that aren't nearly as important now and vice versa.

      There is hope. I know a lot of great single women who are holding out for the right man and are choosing not to settle because it's not worth it. I am an educated middle-class woman and refuse to settle with a man that doesn't have a similar educational background to myself because that in itself causes issues most of the time.

      I see what your post is trying to get at. But we singles know marriage isn't a walk in the park. I have seen with my parents that marriage isn't easy. But if it's something we still want at the end of the day, we need encouragement and cautioning about what marriage entails.

  7. pnwwoodsman says:

    Actually, do those things because you want to do them. Or don't.

    There's safeguards in our paranoid society especially in religious groups about "protecting the flock" where you're going to be discouraged from getting to know members of the opposite sex and talk to them one on one in those circumstances. If you are outgoing to members of the opposite sex, you'll likely be treated as predatory.

    If God selects our mates, then God meant for Jacob to have Rachel and Leah. And I'm sure the rest of this site won't want to hear my rambling about THAT.

    "Others will choose to love someone that seems to be all wrong for them in the eyes of their friends and families,"

    Maybe sometimes those friends and families notice something of concern. Maybe their opinion should be taken into serious consideration. And other times, maybe they're just bigots. Again, it's hard to know, and hard to say, so should those of us interested in relationships try NOT to be because only THEN will we be pure enough to earn that reward?

    The kingdom offers rewards. But there's no promise any of them are on this earth. And some of us are just trying to get thru the day not being so freakin' alone. We weren't made for that.

  8. pnwwoodsman says:

    "There is hope. I know a lot of great single women who are holding out for the right man and are choosing not to settle because it's not worth it. I am an educated middle-class woman and refuse to settle with a man that doesn't have a similar educational background to myself because that in itself causes issues most of the time."

    Educational background and worldly wisdom (while valuable in some respects) have NO bearing on intelligence. A person can be educated based on being an inquisitive and naturally intelligent person, and still have a challenge financially or from a mental wiring angle (not mental illness, but for example, issues with testing) that make them not "qualified" by a document as an intellect.

    "I see what your post is trying to get at. But we singles know marriage isn't a walk in the park. I have seen with my parents that marriage isn't easy. But if it's something we still want at the end of the day, we need encouragement and cautioning about what marriage entails."

    My point is that marriage could be great. But our attitudes towards everything, particularly in the church, often aren't practical or biologically realistic, in my opinion. Has nothing to do with "the world" and everything to do with us. Many of our standards aren't God's. He didn't call the ones with the most degrees, or the most wealth. God looked at the possible, not at the pedigree.

    • SinglePringle says:

      […W]hen it comes to marriage, there are things that I believe will make it easier and things that will make it harder. It's all about choosing my battles wisely. Faith, Money, intellect, values, sex, communication, hobbies, etc. are all things that are thrown into the mix when choosing a spouse, and one thing I think helps is the 80:20 rule. However, one person's 80 will differ from another's and I don't think we should look down on people for having different requirements in a spouse.

      [From MH: please keep further comments focused on the OP's original question of how to handle the loneliness he's experiencing in this stage of life before finding a mate.]

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