I have been reading MarriageHeat stories for a while. Thanks to all the contributors.
I have been married for almost twenty years and been unsatisfied with our sex life for pretty much all of it. My wife has a series of physical and emotional issues that really affect our sex life. She has deep, deep issues with sex. I won’t go into the details because her/our specific problems are not the point here. We have sought a lot of help and counseling and been working on this for almost two decades. There’s been some progress, but it’s very slow.
So when I read MarriageHeat stories about incredibly horny couples who are getting it on day and night in every possible position, I can be filled with frustration. That’s what I want for us! Why can’t we have even a tiny bit of that?
But then I reflect and remember that God has asked me to take a different path. And so I wanted to share three things that, on my better days, I have learned and try to remember.
God doesn’t guarantee anyone a great sex life.
Historically Christians only talked about sex in negative ways, which has been a huge problem. But now it often feels the other way: that if you just follow all of God’s instructions – particularly his instruction to wait until marriage – you’ll have a great sex life. And sure, you might. But just like God doesn’t guarantee you a million-dollar income, perfect health, or other things if you just work hard enough, he doesn’t guarantee you a great sex life. Sometimes God asks us to carry a different burden. I know that he has asked me to do so.
Every spouse and every marriage is different.
Every marriage is unique and built on two different, unique people. So our sex lives are each going to be unique as well. What works for one marriage may not work for another. This can be hard to take if you or your spouse are not happy with your sex life. You can seek good advice and counseling and work hard to improve things, but get frustrated that your spouse (or you) isn’t responding the way the advice predicts that they should – or that you think they should. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, each in the image of God, but as unique persons. You are special and unique, as is your spouse, and as is your marriage.
You are not alone, especially when you most feel alone
Sex is a gift from God, and God has given each of us a particular gift different from anyone else. So give thanks to God for whatever you have and don’t have sexually. Avoid the great temptation to be consumed by jealousy, anger, or despair. And understand that you are not alone. Pretty much everyone is struggling sexually in one way or another, every day. (Or, if they happen to have a perfect sex life (unlikely!), they may be struggling in other areas where you have been blessed.) So while sexual problems may feel unique and isolating, don’t feel alone, because you aren’t.
I’m not saying I have it together—I give in to jealousy, anger, and despair all the time. But in my stronger moments, I am able to thank God for teaching me these things.
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