Encouragement Needed
I’ve been married 15 years and have very little sex drive. I think I live in my emotions all the time. I’m always analyzing: feeling not enough, too tired and worn out, afraid I’m going to be rejected (I’m not,) and feeling unsure about anything sexual. I’m totally inhibited, and even coming here and reading stories is a huge step. I want to serve and bless my husband, but I just get stuck! Has anyone else overcome this hurdle? Is it all supposed to feel awkward? Is it bad that I don’t feel turned on by him unless he starts something? I don’t really want to touch him or look at him. What is wrong with me? I have no history of abuse or trauma. Someone tell me there is hope.
Yes. There is hope. Try masturbation. I know several women who got in touch with themselves this way as a start. Also, talk to your husband about it, when neither you nor he is aroused. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. Find out his thoughts and what his sex drive is (high, medium, or low); that will help. Pray. Pray. Pray. Ask God to show you all there is about your sexuality. DON'T GIVE UP. 🙂
I am not a psychologist, but I would try small steps starting with something you feel comfortable doing, like a small kiss even if it’s on the cheek. Then work toward a passionate one. Your aversion to being touched or touching is a classic abuse victim symptom. Maybe you buried a memory? Have you tried counseling? How about visualizing starting again with something you like.
I hope things improve.
Dear Val:
There is indeed hope! Coming here to read is a huge step for you, and a step in the right direction!
"Is it supposed to feel awkward?" Yes, growth is always awkward, so praise God for that.
I recommend that you and your husband read the book Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, then discuss it. It is a Christian book on sex. It will help sex seem more like an everyday part of married life, and help with your inhibitions.
"Is it bad that I don't feel turned on by him unless he starts something?" What you are describing is "responsive desire." You don't have sexual desire until you start having sex. When someone is seduced, it is their responsive desire kicking in. Much is written about responsive desire of women on the various marriage blogs. While I agree that women are more responsive in nature than men, in my experience with my wife as well as talking to other women, women should experience spontaneous desire as well.
It could be something as simple as your testosterone being low. When your husband initiates sex and you respond, do you lubricate and orgasm? Go get your hormones checked. A typical ob/gyn or family doctor isn't going to be able to help. Go to the American Academy of Anti-Aging Medicine web site. Click on Directory and find a doctor in your area. Or better yet call a compounding pharmacy and ask for recommendations.
May God bless you greatly for wanting to bless your husband with your body and soul!
My wife was the same and we slowly tried new things like, introducing toys, masturbating in front of your husband which now she is more confident in her body and is more sexual not to mention the massive orgasms she has.
I have gone through "lower drive” times in my life. Sounds like a similar mental state to what you are describing. I remember praying—even during sex—that I would desire it more so that my husband would feel loved and desired. I have been a part of a Young Living essential oils team for a while and there are definitely oils which help balance hormones and play a role in increasing desire—there’s a book (secular, I believe) with “Lucy libido” in the title. I’m sure you know someone who uses Young Living. My group has an advisor who has done quite a bit of medical research and one big dietary fix for most people is to cut sugar intake drastically and avoiding processed foods. Those tend to alter brain chemistry and our hormone balance. Also, for many people, increasing exercise can increase desire.
My wife and I have been married for almost forty years. When we first got married she couldn't keep her hands off me. After children came, this started to decrease. Then came menopause and it got worse. For probably 15 years, she never instigated sex, it was all me. Yes she had a very long menopause.
A couple of years ago she started improving. Still not back to were we started at but it is improving.
You haven't given a lot of information and I'm not asking for it, so this will lead to these next thoughts. Children and age, as well as medical issues, can cause problems. Also, my wife is on the large size; this has had an impact because she doesn't think she's sexy. Sexy is not physical, it's mental. It's a state of mind.
If I wanted to have intimate relations with her, I had to work at it—a lot. I gave her flowers, took her to dinner, made dinner… anything I could to make her feel wanted and romanced. I'd give her complete body rubs, starting with her feet, then work up both legs to her buttocks, then go to the top of her head and start down. Every once in awhile, I'd try one of the special places to see what reaction I'd get. If it was positive, I'd push it. If it was negative, I'd work a little harder. Eventually, I'd get one of her hot spots going, and we were off.
Where are we today? She doesn't trip me and beat me to the floor yet, but she's starting to drop hints. This is huge success for us. I got her interested in MH, and it is good as we will take turns reading the stories. She now sees that married couples can really enjoy each other by seeing and hearing what others do. I've also got her interested in watching erotica geared more towards women—just a man and a woman making love. When I started watching with her, she'd say,"Not again?" Now, most of time, she just relaxes and in few minutes her toes are wiggling; this is when I know to start talking erotically or rubbing her special places.
I would recommend seeing a health care provider to get some tests done to make sure your hormones levels are where they should be. If your husband won't do the things I've mentioned or if there other struggles, see a therapist. If you have questions, ask.
I’m LDS and I have used an LDS sex therapist by the name of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, and several of her discussions are about sexual desire within women. Now you need to know that she thinks that MH is a wonderful way for me, a 62-year-old widower, to find safe erotic stories to help me cope with my still very strong sex drive. She agrees that MH is safer and adheres to the values that keep me away from porn.
Masturbation is not an issue like some outside of our faith would think in the LDS membership, and once married, there’re no restrictions on sex within marriage other than adultery and porn. My late wife and I enjoyed a wonderful sex life up until the end, which because of her issues, consisted of mutual masturbation and her performing oral sex on me.
Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints typically enjoy wonderful and creative sex lives.
I believe there is always hope for change. The fact that you want to and are willing to is a huge step in that direction.
Many women need to be "turned on" by their husbands and have to simmer a while before they get to a boil. It is not unusual at all; in fact, it may be typical. But hormones levels, stress and responsibilities, general health, and certain medications definitely can have a major impact on libido. So can any resentments or shame or other negative emotions, so counseling can help, too.
Most of all, I recommend prayers for an increased desire for your husband and God's blessing on your sex life. Some people think that is sacrilegious, but God made sex and it is GOOD! He never put any restrictions on its enjoyment, even in the law for the Hebrews, except that it be reserved for a married man and woman and avoid the menstrual period. So if He made it, commanded us to do it ("Go forth and multiply"), and made it pleasurable, why would it be wrong to ask for his help in increasing the pleasure and fulfillment, the bonding and closeness we can have with our spouse through it?
I am also praying with you for His blessing on your marriage and your sex life. ?
“have to simmer a while before they get to a boil. “
I love it. I feel like a lobster but I love it.
Just laying here on simmer.
Hi Valleygirl! You said that "even coming here to read stories is a big step," and I would say that having the courage to ask a question goes even further! So well done, because it seems to me like you're already making progress! 🙂
Other members of the MH community might be able to speak to the other things you mentioned, but I can at least offer encouragement in one area. You say that you "don't feel turned on by him unless he starts something". I'd encourage you that it's not necessarily a bad thing, but possibly a manifestation of a responsive vs spontaneous sex drive as ILoveMarriage mentioned. (That assumes you DO still get turned on when he does start something). Look up it to learn more and see if it describes your situation. You might just be on the more responsive end of the normal spectrum (which would still be considered "normal," by the way). You could even naturally have some spontaneous sex drive too, but you might have just been pushed more in the responsive direction by your emotional state and inhibitions, whatever the cause of those are.
Outside of that, consider spending some time studying biblical perspectives on sex and trying to get a better understanding of God's awesome and beautiful design for it! You may find that you're harboring some unconscious toxic beliefs that you learned early in life about sex that are inhibiting you from letting go and fully enjoying God's gift to husbands and wives.
If you haven't already, open up to your husband about this turmoil you deal with and seek his support as you deal with it. We can encourage and advise you as part of the broader Christian community, but God and your husband should be your primary sources of day-to-day support and encouragement.
As others have suggested, I would also encourage you to take a look at your emotional, mental and even physical health as a whole and see what might be contributing to your situation that you might not have recognized before. That could be anything that others have mentioned, from diet and medications to stress and hormone imbalance. Issues in one area can easily spill over into another, so it could be that you don't have any problems that are actually rooted in sex, but instead have things encroaching from another area of health, be it emotional, mental, physical or spiritual.
Finally, welcome to MarriageHeat! I hope that reading stories and seeking encouragement and advice helps you grow in understanding God's awesome design for sex, and inspires you to participate more fully in it! And don't hesitate to ask follow-up questions. You'll find we're very warm and welcoming here, and passionate about helping people enjoy God's gift! 🙂
My bride has had cycles of emotional battles that tend to decrease her drive. We have be married for 21 years and are both in our late 30's. After child birth her body changed, and she thinks that I don't think she is attractive despite all the flirting and compliments I give her daily. And I have to be honest, her curves are AMAZING!
I agree with most of the responses and have also encouraged my wife to masturbate to try and help keep her in touch with her sexuality. This has helped us and may be worth a try. Having the tired and worn out feeling is something my wife deals with also. I know when she is out working in the garden she is at peace and can go from sun up til dark. I think that is likely because she is focused on something other than her emotions.
Being able to rest your mind is something that will take time. Try yoga or meditate to perhaps find some peace. And know, at the end of the day, that he loves you and will want to help any way he can.
I cannot say I have ever been through anything you have or are experiencing but my husband & I most certainly will be praying for you. Blessings and favor on you. Seek the Lord with all your heart and he will guide you.