What to Do With Forbidden Fantasies - MarriageHeat

What To Do With My Fantasies?

I’m hoping to start a conversation about what to do with “forbidden fantasies.”

In my case, my main fantasy relates to my wife receiving sexual pleasure from other men (and women, to be honest).  A second fantasy involves watching and being watched by others.  My third fantasy is to go back in time and to break the rules and have sex before marriage.

None of these is in line with basic Christian ethics (and the third is impossible!) I’m wondering how other couples have worked through taboo fantasies and whether you’ve managed to play them out in some way.  I would also like to hear from people who have experimented in ways that do not conform to traditional Christian ethics. Have there been consequences so far?

I would imagine that many men have similar fantasies.  Am I right?

Women, how would you feel about your husband revealing these kinds of ideas?  Would it be a turn-on or a turn-off?  Do these types of scenarios interest you too?

I find marriage and sexuality to be endlessly fascinating but also confusing.  From a Christian standpoint, what is a taboo, and who says so?  If my conscience is clear about experimenting and pushing boundaries, is it still sin?  If it is sin, are the consequences spiritual, practical, social?  Will I experience those consequences in this life, or will they be reserved for the afterlife?

My wife and I have become more liberal and experimental with age, and there have only been benefits.  I wonder whether we shouldn’t be trying to push the boundaries even further because of how fun and rewarding the new territory has always proven to be.

I would love to hear everyone’s thoughts!

From MH: This discussion post will no doubt be highly controversial. We include it because these are points of struggle for many Christians, and we believe we can help each other. There is benefit in being able to confess these concerns and ideas as well as in hearing how others deal with them. As always, respectful responses are welcome. But keep in mind that this site’s purpose is to build and support a culture of hot Biblical monogamy. Detailed descriptions of sex outside that bond won’t be published, nor encouragement to act on such urges outside of marriage. Suggestions on how to deal with them together in fantasy would be.

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14 replies
  1. Stag-on-a-hill says:

    Thanks for posting. The issue might (or might not) be the possibility of idolatry. I’ve struggled with this in my own life. I’ve had to ask – What is really controlling my life/decisions?, what is capturing my heart? Serving Christ and the glory of his kingdom or the pursuit of sexual pleasure? My own experience is that I love nudity (see my posts) and in a sense I would love to pursue that more, but as I give myself to Christ and his kingdom in an active sense, a vibrant, self-giving and practical sense, I find Jesus keeps re-capturing my heart – again and again so that my drive to nudity or whatever, keeps getting re-channeled into greater and more glorious pursuits that are actually much more satisfying, healthy and more transcendent. And in a sense I just don’t have time for the nudity thing so much, and I’m excited about that fact… I’m grateful nudity is only a small thing in my life because I have so many other more wonderful things that dominate. I still love nudity and I have fun with that a tiny little bit, but i’m saved from forever pushing the boundaries in a never-ending search for a greater sexual/sensual thrill that is ultimately fairly empty and potentially destructive. My thoughts anyway!

  2. bedtiger says:

    Hi there Prince Of Denmark.
    First of all I must commend you on your honesty and willingness to seek God’s will on this matter.
    I guess I’m going to be a little predictable and say that I would urge extreme caution when it comes to fantasising about things that are Biblically prohibited, even if one is open with ones spouse about it.
    This may come across as a bit blunt and obtuse but I would consider how it would be to fantasise about committing a non-sexual sin. For example, someone is particularly nasty to me and I end up fantasising about causing them physical harm. Am I sinning even though I do not commit an act of violence? Of course I am!
    I don’t really see how the sexual context means it is any less sinful, especially given how similar Jesus teaching on both lust and anger is.
    Yeah, sorry to be so black and white on this issue but I really can’t see how Jesus teaching can apply to this any other way.
    With love in Christ

  3. ILoveSex says:

    I agree 100% Bedtiger! There seems to be some who think that we sinners only sin in action (deed) but not in thought. That is not Biblical. We sinners sin in thought, word, and deed, by things done and things left undone. If something is sinful, how does fantasizing about it somehow make it less sinful? If a man hates his wife and fantasizes about strangling her to death, or poisoning her and then cutting her up into tiny pieces in order to dispose of her (sorry to be so graphic), but never goes through with it, does God say, "Phew! You almost sinned there! I was totally fine with you thinking about, even fantasizing about, offing your wife, but I draw the line at actually doing it!?" No, He does not. If bestiality is sin, then how is it somehow, someway, less sinful to fantasize about screwing my dog? We sin in thought as well as deed. In fact, the deed is simply taking the initial sinful thought to its logical conclusion. (Mt 15:19) I believe that's why God makes no distinction between hatred and murder, for example (Sermon on the Mount). It's all the same sin to Him.

  4. King Arthur says:

    Good Questions. Here are some more: What does the Bible say? If your spouse revealed her fantasies to you, how would you respond? If you "pushed the boundaries," do you think you'd regret it later? What about your kids? What should you tell them? I could go on, but you get the idea.

  5. LovingMan says:

    My wife and I also have become more liberal over the years. However, breaking your marriage covenants will not lead to greater happiness. I am talking, in particular, about sex with anyone other than your spouse. I don’t feel that a fantasy that you act out with your spouse is wrong. That is just spicing things up. But honestly, there are consequences in mortality AND in eternity for breaking God’s commandments.

    Satan wants married people to look outside of their marriage for gratification. The lie that great sex is from outside of marriage is one of Satan’s favorite tools. I think that one of the messages of MH is that being emotionally and sexually faithful to your spouse can be both fun and glorious. For example, the Holy Bible says “Rejoice with the wife of thy youth … let her breasts satisfy you always…”

    I think that finding ways to overcome inhibitions and fully enjoy each other sexually is vital. I believe that God WANTS us to have intense erotic fun with our spouse. When you do this, I believe that it glorifies God. The great sex also will bond the married couple in a way that nothing else can.

    But there ARE boundaries and the biggest is “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” So pushing that boundary will not lead to true happiness. The message from the world is that Christians live in dull, boring marriages. Maybe some do, but I think those couples are doing it wrong. The world (& Satan) wants us to believe that great sex is in one night stands or in extramarital affairs. That is a lie. When you break God’s laws, you lose the company of the Holy Spirit. You may also shatter the bond you share with your spouse.

    God’s commandments help us to be truly happy. They don’t make us miserable. So within our marriage, we can have a rocking sexual good time! I believe that is what
    the stories on MH teach us!

    Sorry, I know I’m rambling. But here’s another point: I think that we, as a Christian community, have done ourselves a disservice by not being a lot more open about how great sex can be within marriage.

    I am personally grateful to our Savior because I have committed some sins in my life. (Everyone has sinned, of course, to one degree or another.) Jesus paid the eternal price for my sins so I could repent. I know now that living within the boundaries of marriage is a big improvement over living without the presence of the Holy Spirit.

    And the sex life I share with my wife is amazing! We do have to be willing to discuss sex and get therapy when needed. But quite honestly, marriage sex means making love, and whether we are having a rip-roaring sex session or a tender slow sex session, it is all making love. I frequently pray in my heart for my wife while we are making love. You can’t do that in extramarital sex.

    Last point: (I promise)… There are numerous studies that show that long-time married religious couples have the most satisfaction in their sex life. Unmarried and promiscuous people tend to have less sex and even less quality sex.

  6. LovingMan says:

    Prince of Denmark, I know I got rather long winded & preachy in my previous comment. And I don’t know if I really answered your question. So here is a short answer. . . Find ways to keep sex hot with your wife but keep it only with her. That will be the way to true happiness.

  7. Christhusbandandwife3in1 says:

    Wow. This post hits home on so many points. I have had many fantasies about my wife being with other men, and she knows that I've had these fantasies. I was hoping that if she did have another man for sex that it would help our sex life. Our marriage is strong, but the sex is a lot lacking for my taste. I even told her once that I was ready for her to go for it if she wanted. Thank God she didn't have the physical urges that I had mental fantasies about. She still thinks it is cheating on me if she has those fantasies. I am now very pleased that she won the day; and I believe that Christ has also won. I had even made it to a point that I got onto swinger sites to see if anyone in our area was interested in bedding my wife. Mentally it was highly erotic for me, thinking that our sex life would be better…after the fact. I was fighting Christ along with my personal feelings ,emotions ; I was so horny and aggravated at the time because I was thinking about getting my rocks off instead of anything else. (idolatry complete). Then one day while I was on a site for swingers without my wife knowing my full intentions, God spoke in a very loud voice that was silent to everyone but me. ENOUGH MIKE!!!!!! From that point on, I prayed about our sex life… my fantasies..and my wife that God has given me as my life and wife and best friend. Then it hit me like a Mac truck. Why would I want someone else to enjoy my wife if I cant enjoy her body. (jealousy and commonsense hit) If we as Christians believe Genesis and all of God's word is truth, and we are following Christ with our hearts like we are supposed to. Then I believe Christ will save us from our selves again. I sincerely pray for all of us as Christians that we keep the marriage bed pure and help each other out on such matters and keep each other accountable. I know we have free will and that is how God created us. You may need to stop the fantasizing for a while and have self discipline over your thoughts. Glorify your marriage and Christ and not the flesh. All I'm saying is to not walk too closely to the edge of the cliff. May God please keep you safe and close to Him in spirit.

  8. Mercury7 says:

    Thanks, Prince, for your honesty in sharing. I agree with you that many of us have "forbidden fantasies." They may be similar to yours or of other types. Sometimes we can "choose" or modify those fantasies, but often they seem to come from deep within us and defy our attempts to understand where they came from or to try to change them. Your question was, "What should we do with those fantasies?" There could be many answers to that, but I think they fall into 3 main approaches.
    One is to try to repress or ignore them. Some people may have more success with that than other people will. For some, the fantasies are quite persistent. Trying to ignore them or shove them down may not bring good results.

    A second approach would be to move toward living out those fantasies. As others have already stated, since they are outside of God's will, that approach would also not bring good results.

    A third approach is to accept, "Whether I like it or not, this seems to be one part of how my unique sexual drive operates. Therefore, as a couple, let's find the best way to deal with this in our marriage."

    Not everyone will agree with these possibilities: 1) Maybe your spouse does not accept or agree with those fantasies, so they may primarily remain in your own mind to enhance your lovemaking or your masturbation. 2) Maybe you utilize those fantasies to write erotic stories for your own enjoyment or for others to also read. 3) Maybe your spouse is willing to listen to your fantasies, and you can occasionally give an oral description of the fantasy as a part of the build up the two of you have to a session of sexual pleasure. 4) Maybe your spouse understands and accepts your fantasy to the degree that the two of you both agree to act it out to some extent in role playing – not as a step toward doing it with others, but as a step to give you partial "satisfaction" of that fantasy withing the boundaries of your marriage.
    Some of my fantasies fall into each of those 4 ways of responding. Those are my thoughts in trying to respond to the specific question you asked.

  9. LovingMan says:

    Christhusbandandwife, loved what you shared. Your advice is the best here, in my opinion. We all are subject to temptation.
    For me, I have to turn the bad thoughts over to Christ. It’s kind of an Alcoholics Anonymous thing. (Turning it over to your Higher Power, which for Christians is Jesus Christ.)

  10. Victor0884 says:

    Thank you for sharing a struggle I think a lot of us deal with. The cuckold fantasy is very common among men, more common than I thought. I struggle with the cuckold fantasy and I know it is against what the Bible allows in the marriage bed between a man and wife. Even though I know that, it is still a big fantasy that I have and I have shared it with my wife. In order to relieve some of my desire, we have talked about it and used it as foreplay. My wife is ok with it as a fantasy, and we know acting out such a fantasy could bring some really unwanted consequences. We leave it as a fantasy and use it for a spark to have really great sex. We have even had some role-playing with it involving toys, and my wife role plays like I am the other man pleasuring her while her husband is watching. Share it with your wife as a fantasy, see what her reaction to it is, and then maybe do some role-playing; that would be my suggestion.

  11. Happy Husband says:

    There are a lot of questions in your post that hit various levels. The easiest questions seem to be about whether it is okay to share forbidden fantasies with your spouse. To this I say, of course it is. Things that are buried and hidden inside a marriage will rot and smell. I know that my wife has been excited by thoughts and images of threesomes during our marriage, although she claims that is in the past. I know I struggle with that now and, like you, Prince of Denmark, I have had fantasies of watching her receive sexual pleasure from others, both men and women. She knows this and knows that I have no actual desire for this to happen. What she really knows is that my fantasy is centered upon her being completely overcome with unrestrained sexual pleasure. We have used that insight so that now she knows that I enjoy watching her experiencing pleasure, so she now is willing to engage in masturbation activity with me watching, etc. She is glad that her pleasure is the focus of my desire.

    As for questions about exploring boundaries, I take it that you are wondering about actually involving other people in your sexual activities, which I cannot imagine would be either Christian or healthy. By this I mean any other person touching you or your wife for sexual gratification. As for being seen by others, such as two married couples making love in front of each other, I think I have already provided feedback on this in other posts that while I don't think the Bible condemns this, as the married bed is undefiled, the situation would essentially be sexual temptation dynamite for the involved couples. I am not sure that I have helped.

  12. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    I think what you're going through is very normal and yet it's super hard for us happily married, committed guys to talk about. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, and she's a really beautiful woman physically (and inside, too!). She seems to be getting hotter with age! When we go to the neighborhood pool, the beach, etc. and she's in her bikini or whatever, she gets a lot of looks, including from other married guys as well as younger dudes. We often go to the pool with other families, and even her female friends will comment on how good she looks, how firm she is, how perfect her breasts are for a 46-year-old woman, etc. And she is pretty amazingly hot! The looks, the comments, etc. from others really get me worked up sexually. Last summer, a couple of guys probably 18 or 19 were fawning at her, and it got me super horny.

    When her female friends comment on her looks, it gets me even hornier. I remember one saying to me, "It must be easy to get it up for your wife, huh?" (note: the friend who said this ain't so bad looking herself). It's hard to know what to do with these thoughts, except that when we get home from the pool, we'll usually go upstairs and start sex with her in her bikini (which is a massive turn-on for me). Interestingly, when we get home from the pool and sex commences, her pussy is usually dripping wet, so she's enjoying the attention, too, without in any way acting like it. Last summer, I did let some things slip from my mouth in the act, and she liked it, but this all is something I struggle with, especially when I'm getting horny from watching other guys look at her and fantasizing about group sex, etc. As I've previously posted on here, she also plays to some mmf simulation in our sex life. But the fantasies running through my mind can be overwhelming.

    Where I think I'm landing is the realization that it's great to be married to a gorgeous woman who gets noticed and lucky me for having her as my lady. So it's all good.

    • SecondMarge says:

      My late husband could have written almost the same. He loved the looks I got and imagining or role playing it when we got to our bed. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s a bad thing. It’s a great way to add spice. I didn’t understand at first but then I too was wet knowing the looks I was getting were making my husband hard.

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