Excitement, Trauma, and Everything In Between

I have been an avid reader of MH, and I have always fantasized about being one with my husband-to-be someday, just as all the married couples here have lovingly narrated.

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years now, and we are about to get married next year. Our relationship started from a distance before deciding two years ago to close the gap. I moved to his city, and now I am living in one of the apartment units that his family rents out.

We both came from very conservative, Catholic families, so we both knew that we would want to wait until after marriage before having sex. This wasn’t a challenge for us at first since we started off with a long-distance relationship. However, after moving closer to each other, we have all this liberty to spend time together, and we can’t seem to avoid the fact that we both feel a connection whenever we’re together. His touch just sends electricity through my body.

But, in order to keep our promise and, at the same time, not deprive ourselves of the emotion and connection that we feel, we dry-hump on rare occasions. The first time, it just happened; we didn’t really talk about it or anything. But after doing it a few times, we felt our guilt eating us up, and we knew we had to talk about it. I opened up with how I feel about what we’ve been doing, and he understood. I told him that I take it as a call to get to know him more; I consider it a divine connection. He sometimes denies me this pleasure, and I try very hard to be okay with it, but I can’t help but get hurt sometimes. Most of the time, I ask for it. There were only a couple of times when he initiated it.

I have talked to him about this, but I still can’t seem to get over the fact that I want him more than he wants me. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my head, and it sometimes makes me feel sad.

Another reason that I would want to do this is that I was a victim of childhood rape, and now I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of it. I would want to “practice” but not really go all the way just so that I would know how I would react to it. I wouldn’t want our wedding night to be a disaster because of my trauma creeping up.

What should I do to not feel this way? I feel bad that I am feeling this way. Am I mistaking the “connection” that I feel for lust? I sure hope not 🙁 I would appreciate your advice.

Thank you and have a great day!

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7 replies
  1. PacMan says:

    I’m writing this at a time when no other comments are listed, but I’m guessing others might be saying “A 7 year engagement is too long.” I actually agree 100%. I was engaged 6 months and that felt too long. 🤣 I believe that it is healthy and good to have a physical relationship while still saving intercourse for marriage. I think dry humping and heavy petting SHOULD be happening, especially given your past trauma. There is a chance that his lack of initiation is actually in light of that trauma. Of course there’s also the chance that he is lacking desire for some reason. My hope is that you can move beyond guilt and enjoy a physical connection in a positive way. And I also hope you are able to communicate VERY candidly about everything…. from desire to trauma to how that orgasm felt. Work out the sexual (mental) issues before walking the aisle. Don’t get married unless he is 100% into you with his whole life.

  2. O-surfer says:

    I hope you have had counseling by a believer who has had experience helping women overcome the trauma you went through. You and your fiancé should also go through pre-marital counseling to help you discuss these concerns in a non-threatening way. It’s fairly common for the husband and wife to have very different sex drives and the counseling can help you and your fiancé learn how to handle and discuss your differences.
    Regarding his seeming reluctance, there may be many things contributing to that—sexual instructions he’s had, “church guilt”, false information, physical discomfort, etc. He may even be embarrassed. That’s another reason discussion and counsel are important. You both need to learn how to be each other’s ‘safe place’ for calm discussion of feelings and needs.

  3. Keystone Jack says:

    We had a very wise pre-marital counsellor. After a few sessions with him he said, "What are you waiting for?" We told him it was more convenient for the family on a certain date. He said, "You're just driving yourselves crazy. Get married. You're doing it right. Move the date up & stop the temptation." We were in a similar, but not the same, situation as you. I was sexually experienced. She was not. We were trying to wait until marriage, but I kept pushing. We waited, but just barely. We did pretty much everything but penetration.

    Don't look at the imbalance in your sex drives as a detriment. This is how God built you. This marriage has His blessing. It took me a LONG time to realize that part of the foundation of our marriage was that there was a pursuer and one being pursued. If he has a lower libido, enjoy the hunt! Once you've captured him, the feast is much more satisfying. It will change as your marriage grows.

    There is no "normal" for how many times a month couples have sex. There is no "normal" for who pursues & who gets pursued. There is no "normal" at all! Dive in! Love big! Drink deep!

    One small note on the PTSD. Drop the "D". I do not accept that this is a disorder. It is how God built our bodies to manage traumatic stress. You are not broken. You need to make sure that you leave victimhood behind and embrace being a survivor instead. Your husband is the one who can make sure you arrive there safely. Let him love you no matter what you feel about yourself. He is genuine. Trust him. God gave him to you.

  4. King Arthur says:

    I don't know what to tell you, except my sister-in-law had a small ceremony at my father-in-law's house to get married and a big wedding several months later. That may be the best thing for you.

    Tomorrow, June 23, is my wedding anniversary, We will have been married 41 years. Can't remember back when we were engaged.

  5. Anxious_Bride says:

    Oh, wow! Thank you so much everyone! your comments are really enlightening. So much that I just had to share it to my fiancé. Now he knows this community, too.

    He had told me the reasons why he's "shying away" from dry humping. I understand him. I guess for now I'm okay but I don't know how I'll be once the frustration sets in. I'm counting down the months til our wedding day and until then, I guess I would just have to live with what he gives me.

    Thank you all for your responses <3

  6. Annewin says:

    I know what the waiting feels like and the feelings of guilt if you go past your personal boundaries. We felt that it was God’s will for us to marry as virgins and the year before our wedding was a time when we got to know each other in a very special way that could not have happened if we were already having genital intercourse. The strength of our desire for each other laid a foundation to knowing and loving the inner being of the other person.
    As Christians we have God’s Spirit within us and when we marry He can join our spirits to each other. I believe this happens when we receive the Sacrament and consummate our union. It is something that we can only know if we experience it and it can only ever happen once in a lifetime.
    It is as if the physical union completes a circuit between our minds. We have had many hours of fun joined together and the exchanging of our body fluids is not the only thing that is happening. These fluids are the electrolyte that conducts the electricity between our minds
    I believe the intensity of the desire you have for each other will stay with you for the rest of your lives. We found that the time of wanting is not something we could ever forget, and we seem to have programmed ourselves to want each other. We want to spend eternity together.

  7. sarah k says:

    This was a year ago, I'd like an update.

    There are differing views as to whether humping is acceptable before marriage. Some say yes; others take the view it is not.
    I fall in the latter camp.

    I noticed there is no mention of self-masturbation. Masturbation, I believe, has an important part in the life of a Christian, both as an aid to maintain sexual purity, and to get to know your body before giving it to your spouse.

    I also believe there is a third value of masturbation, that being as an offering, thanksgiving and honouring God for the gift of your body and sexuality.

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