I have been an avid reader of MH, and I have always fantasized about being one with my husband-to-be someday, just as all the married couples here have lovingly narrated.
My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years now, and we are about to get married next year. Our relationship started from a distance before deciding two years ago to close the gap. I moved to his city, and now I am living in one of the apartment units that his family rents out.
We both came from very conservative, Catholic families, so we both knew that we would want to wait until after marriage before having sex. This wasn’t a challenge for us at first since we started off with a long-distance relationship. However, after moving closer to each other, we have all this liberty to spend time together, and we can’t seem to avoid the fact that we both feel a connection whenever we’re together. His touch just sends electricity through my body.
But, in order to keep our promise and, at the same time, not deprive ourselves of the emotion and connection that we feel, we dry-hump on rare occasions. The first time, it just happened; we didn’t really talk about it or anything. But after doing it a few times, we felt our guilt eating us up, and we knew we had to talk about it. I opened up with how I feel about what we’ve been doing, and he understood. I told him that I take it as a call to get to know him more; I consider it a divine connection. He sometimes denies me this pleasure, and I try very hard to be okay with it, but I can’t help but get hurt sometimes. Most of the time, I ask for it. There were only a couple of times when he initiated it.
I have talked to him about this, but I still can’t seem to get over the fact that I want him more than he wants me. I can’t seem to shake that thought out of my head, and it sometimes makes me feel sad.
Another reason that I would want to do this is that I was a victim of childhood rape, and now I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of it. I would want to “practice” but not really go all the way just so that I would know how I would react to it. I wouldn’t want our wedding night to be a disaster because of my trauma creeping up.
What should I do to not feel this way? I feel bad that I am feeling this way. Am I mistaking the “connection” that I feel for lust? I sure hope not 🙁 I would appreciate your advice.
Thank you and have a great day!
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