Can Sexual Domination be Christian?

Today’s Ignite story is from tdx30, who have written several times about their consensual Dominatrix/submissive home lifestyle. MH is built on the premise that God-honoring sex between a married man and woman can include anything that they both agree upon, provided it is safe, sane, and loving.

But there may be room for discussion on how a sexual D/s relationship fits into a godly worldview. What would be your concerns in that area? Is sexual domination loving if it’s what both, or especially the submissive partner, desires? Is there a difference between dominant roles during sex and for life in general? And does it make a difference if the roles are Mistress/slave rather than Master/slave? If the submissive partner requests it, can private acts of abasement (such as sleeping on the floor, like in today’s post, not physical or verbal abuse) play a part? What about a vacation taken to allow the couple to be more obvious about their chosen relationship, similar to milder forms of exhibitionism that might feel more comfortable in a new environment?

These are just some starter questions, but we are sure there are many other factors and scenarios to consider. As always, offer your insight with humility, please. What do you believe and why?

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11 replies
  1. MattBZG says:

    My short answer is that I think when sex becomes *about* power or violence, it has gotten distorted from its God-intended best.
    My longer answer is that normal healthy sexual expression usually has an *element* of "violence" and "power imbalance" in it. When we trust the other sexually with our body, it is something absolutely beautiful. The trust required to make yourself sexually vulnerable to another person can be very freeing and enriching to our self. And to our mate, the act of making ourselves vulnerable is a like a gift that is honouring… so vulnerability (aka power imbalance) can and does add a beauty to the shared sexual experience.

    Likewise, the physicality of the act of sex itself always has an aspect of 'violence', some times more than others! And pushing past pain and enduring physically to respond to the urgency of the shared sexual experience and push the body to its limits or breaking point brings great release and celebration to a marriage. In this sense, there is a physicality or violence about two coming together passionately. Consequently, most of us will have known a sore back the next day, chaffed knees… or the challenge of keeping ones rhythm with the body desperately on the point of cramping or konking out!

    Such experiences can be very much the result of loving one's partner passionately and sacrificially and a part of a great and enduring sex life.

    But with all this said, I think when sex gets embroiled and centred around physicality, violence or exercising power over the other, I would suggest it has become distorted. It may be desired by one or both, even enjoyed. But I know that not everything I desire is good for me, nor an expression of God's created nature in me, nor welcomed by God.

    I'd encourage couples where these desires are evident to search deeper in their walk with God, keep asking Him to shine his light into the desires and motivations. I usually find that when I seriously ask myself why I do things, or why I desire things that my mind quickly throws out a perfectly "reasonable answer"… but if I take the time to scrutinise this initial answer then usually there is something not so good lurking behind my first "reasonable explanation" that is actually rooted in my own hurt, unforgiveness or brokenness. Jesus frees us from these hurts and broken things!

    Please friends at MH do not read this as judgementalism, I'm just trying to be thoughtful. I fully get that we are all different.

  2. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    I believe a lot of what's described here crosses the line in a marriage, especially the abasement thing. In our marriage, if there is any domination it's always restricted to just sex. For example, my wife does like to be slapped on the ass in doggy style. She enjoys being called "bitch" in the heat of the moment. In general, she likes it when I take control sexually and she allows me to cum on/in her anywhere I want. On vacations, such as to places like Hawaii, we'll occasionally push some limits because we know we're "anonymous." All of that is in contrast to how we live our "normal" life and that's as a couple that is strictly equal. She's an MD and a very smart, sophisticated woman and it would shock people to know how she can get in the bedroom. We wouldn't be comfortable taking things to the level described above.

  3. J V C says:

    Bondage and discipline take many forms and the dominance of one partner by the other may be unstated but accepted by both. To try and illustrate this I would like to tell the story of a couple who marry as virgins and with no sexual experience apart from kissing. During their courtship, they discuss their excitement at looking forward to having sex and admit to each other that they are masturbating.
    In their first months of married life, they explore each other's bodies and feel that their intercourse is bonding them and strengthening their love for each other. Their frequent lovemaking means neither needs to masturbate but they both still feel guilt from their previous habit; this has an influence on their married sex life because they decide to give each other full control over each other's genitalia to prevent any future temptation. This works well for her because her needs are less urgent.
    He is very aware of how good being inside her feels and that intercourse is infinitely more rewarding than any solo pleasuring. But when their regular lovemaking is not practicable, he finds it hard to resist masturbating.
    Resisting this urge involves considerable discipline on his part, but their bonding is so strong that he is willing to wait until they have an opportunity for sex so she can enjoy his excitement for her; he accepts the discipline of honoring the pledge they made because it enhances the wonderful feeling of closeness they share. When they make love, a current flows between them that seems to connect their minds.
    He is not bound by any physical constraints, but he has made himself vulnerable to her and finds it very rewarding. They often share their emotions when in a state of post-orgasmic euphoria and are always completely honest and open with each other. They talk about enjoying it when the other one is having an orgasm and are happy that they are totally dependent on each other for when they can cum.
    She tells him how much she likes the orgasms she has when he licks her. And because she always wants her vagina to be filled by him after she climaxes, her smell and taste become extremely arousing to him. He often dreams of the lovely feeling of her soft lips as his tongue parts them and probes her vagina before moving up to her clitoris. Feeling in her vagina with his tongue, where his penis will soon be, always makes him super excited.
    He feels freed from being in sole control of his needs and finds this enriching and empowering. He is quite aware that his becoming highly aroused by licking her is partly a reward response because it is always followed by him entering her.
    But by his obedience, he tacitly concedes her dominance, and they are both very happy.

  4. Jhotman says:

    Honestly, I found the story pretty offensive. While the argument can be made that anything agreed upon between husband and wife is God-honoring, I feel that the mistress/slave dynamic and debasement that is described falls drastically short of our Creator's intentions.

    Since the marriage relationship is used to describe the relationship between Christ and the church, maybe a good question to consider is does this act or attitude of sex parallel that which is described of Jesus and his bride, the church?

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I don't see any reason to take offense at someone else's choices. The story seems like a consensual relationship between two people devoted to each other for life. Obviously, he or she could take steps to change the situation if either of them were unhappy with their arrangement. In most BDSM relationships, as I understand them, the submissive partner maintains complete control over what they will and won't do and the treatment they accept, and these terms are negotiable at any time. There is no fear that they will be abused because the Dom cares for the sub's needs as well as his/her own, not seeking their own pleasure exclusively at the expense of the sub.

      Analyzing BDSM in light of the analogy of Christ and His Bride by Paul in Ephesians 5:21-33, the wife is to honor and respect her husband as the Church does Christ. Does that include honoring his preferences as to her exercising control over his chores, diet and sexual appetites? Could it include agreed-upon "consequences" to which he willingly submits when he fails to meet goals that he asked her to set for him? Is it dishonoring him for her to accept the authority that he delegates, or is that actually honoring him?

      My biggest concern is that, in connecting (what seems to me) harsh emotional treatment with sexual pleasure, a person could be "brainwashed" or at least influenced to want it. And that training could work in both directions, the Dom also receiving positive reinforcement for dominant behavior from the sub. That seems manipulative to me, though maybe not to the people directly involved. To them, it probably feels like mutual pleasure.

      Sure, in Christian marriage, each spouse has authority over the other's body, but taking that to the level of punishment for not wearing a sexual appliance seems more mean than I would be comfortable with. I know some people take pleasure from being treated even worse than just being told to sleep on the floor, but is that healthy or loving? I guess that depends on the perspective of the married couple themselves. To me, it might look like a lack of honor, but perhaps to them, it feels like a way of respecting the desires and preferences of the dominated partner who wishes to cede control in certain contexts.

      Man, I could write a thesis on this!

  5. faraboverubies says:

    Loving domonation and submission can definitely be part of a Christian marriage. When both partners are willing and a strong level of communication and trust is present, it can be a beautiful dynamic. My husband and I practice a wife-led marriage, at his request, and we are the happiest we've been in a long time.

    • tdx30 says:

      I know what benefits we both enjoy in our marriage as mistress and slave (on the ranch only), such as 1) lots of communication and zero arguments, 2) great and frequent sex since mistress needs to keep me on edge a lot, and 3) my beautiful wife also feels treasured, protected, and adored. That can be true in any marriage but seems to be enhanced in our relationship. The other benefits, of course, are this; 4) bad habits can be broken, 5) chores made more fun and testosterone put to good use. But the most important one in our relationship (and since this site is and will always be anonymous) is that my wife feels she is in control of our sexual activity, and as a female who had been sexually abused as a child, that control over when and how sex would happen to and with her makes lovemaking feel safe. She has forgiven her abuser, but the shadow of abuse still lingers even now many years later. I think that is why I found it so easy to submit to her sexually. It became an expression of my love and understanding for her. What benefits have you found in your relationship where your husband has asked you to take the lead in certain areas of your life?

  6. faraboverubies says:

    I agree completely with all your points. When we started this dynamic a few years ago, it was all new. I didn't have a lot of confidence at first but that's blossomed so much since my husband offered his submission. We have communicated so much more, been open to new things, had less conflict, and more connection. I feel loved and cherished and so does he. Wife- centric sex keeps him ready willing and able-and both of us happy. It is very much akin to always being in the courtship stage of a relationship when everything is exciting.

    • mickmack13 says:

      Howdy, Ma'am. I'm new here and type with one finger. I'm a little slow typing, too, because I'm not the best at spelling. I've been married now 39 years, 7 months. Wonderful Wife. Can't say enough. No complaints. We believe that God said what He meant, and meant what He said too. It Is Written, plain and simple. I'm just a guy, no better or worse than any other. I try to live my life according to His Word. I'm not so good at that either. Of course, I pray, but I sin a lot too. I've been a badass, still am, just older. Since I was a youngster, I've always kept authoritative women in high esteem. I didn't want to get a butt whoopin' from a buddies' mom, nun, or teacher. But sometimes that's just what I needed. I did get one on occasion, and it would get me runnin' straight and true. Its what I needed, so it's what I got. Figure me as a junkyard dog; my Wife-mistress keeps me near when She is home. When the sun goes down, off comes the chain but the gate is closed. I like it a lot when She paddles my butt—not too hard, but enough to let me know She loves me. Wow, that took some time. I hope I didn't bore you. God Bless, faraboverubies.

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